Clearing skies after the storm

[Confused_betrayl]

Hi, this is my first time on a forum about mental health. I was in a very abusive relationship with a woman whom now I think for sure had BPD. I didn't even know what BPD was until my friends and others that know the illness pointed it out to me. I know I was living in a whirlwind sometimes but was confused a lot about how it got to that and what it came out of the blue and blindsided me.our 10 year common law relationship really started to get worse and stressful about 3-4 years ago and we did seek marriage counselling, but she only lasted s couple of sessions before she had an aggressive outburst and the therapist stopped the sessions. I was seeing a therapist myself for a year before we went to a therapist for marriage counselling help. I am a very passive person and just took the abuse for years trying to keep her happy and avoid an argument. I was recommended a book to read called " stop walking on eggshells" and I am sure that she had BPD. As I was reading the book I could not believe the similarities of a BPD behaviours and the hell that I was living in. Anyway , I felt that talking to others about this could definitely help me heal and understand. We are separated and there is no chance of reconciliation, my head and mind have been getting clearer as days pass and I realize that she did have a mental illness that I did not understand. Would love to get some advice now on the after math , she is and has been very manipulative and malicious since I've left. I had suspicions of her malicious intentions soon after the failed marriage counselling sessions but I really gave her the benefit of the doubt only to be hurt more in the end.I do not trust her at all now and have seen the real BPD show through clearly through the separation. She never did seek any help for her issues but instead denied she had any issues at all. It was all me and for awhile I started to believe it myself. The psychological manipulation, lies ,devious and malicious things she planned and pre calculated along with her uncontrolled mood swings had me in a state of confusion and self doubt. It really impacted my self confidence in a negative way that I am only now regaining. She beat me down for years until I finally realized that I had to get out and get out fast. Anyway this is just a brief description of my experience with a person with BPD. As far as I know she has never been diagnosed with this disorder but for my recent research and my relationship experience with her, I am sure this is the underlying problem.

Hope to hear from somebody else

Cheers

[bunny4523]

Hello and welcome,

It is a very intense and confusing disorder.  I'm glad to hear that you are starting to get some clarity.  It will take time to rebuild yourself after the beat down you experienced.  Be patient and post as often as you need to.  It helped me to post about details of the things I experienced.  Because like you, I got to a point that I entertained the lies about me. 

You sound like you are in a very good place to start your healing.

What is your  biggest struggle with yourself right now and what is she doing to make things harder on you?

Bunny

[Confused_betrayl]

Hello and welcome,

It is a very intense and confusing disorder.  I'm glad to hear that you are starting to get some clarity.  It will take time to rebuild yourself after the beat down you experienced.  Be patient and post as often as you need to.  It helped me to post about details of the things I experienced.  Because like you, I got to a point that I entertained the lies about me. 

You sound like you are in a very good place to start your healing.

What is your  biggest struggle with yourself right now and what is she doing to make things harder on you?

Bunny

Hi, yes I am in a much better place right now. The more time that goes bye with being out of the relationship, the stronger and clearer I feel. I am struggling with some guilt for leaving the 10 year relationship but I know now that it is for the better. I have much support from friends , family and my therapist. She is being very difficult with the separation, avoiding the registered letters from my lawyer, not letting me on the property to get my belongings and wanting everything that we built together for the past 10. Years. I am shocked by her lies and hey lying is worse than I could have imagined. It hurst so much to know that I loved this person and stayed in this abusive relationship for so long. I have been avoiding any contact with her( face to face) as she does have a pattern of falsely accusing ex partners of criminal acts ( threats, etc.) and I don't want to put myself in a position to get in trouble with the law. She told me a story years ago about her last relationship and that she knew the relationship was coming to an end, and accused her partner of threatening her and had him removed by the police. Then helped him find an apartment. Knowing what I know now, and my experience with her, I believe that this was lies and manipulation on her part, but I can't say for sure as I was only told her side of the story.