Any advice for starting CT with my bfwBPD-need guidance

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all!
I have agreed to try couple's therapy with my bf of 4 years (tumultuous!) Anyone who has read any of my posts here knows I am extremely confused as to whether to leave or stay. He demonstrates most of the traits, has triggers that send off eruptions, gives out emotional punishments that are completely out of proportion to the incident, is attempting to separate me from my kids and sister (they don't like him/respect our relationship as they have seen/heard his dysregulation). They all feel I deserve better than this and are adamant that they will no longer subject themselves to his behavior/rantings. I obviously have trouble setting/enforcing boundaries. I made a huge step last week when I did just that. I paid dearly for it, but I am proud of myself for doing it. Do I bring that up at T? How far do I go in my description of our r/s-do I just spill it and watch him "go off" as a result so the T can see the truth? I have so much to get off my mind, but I don't want it to be an ambush. In my personal T I am learning to build my self esteem so as not to take this anymore. Yet I realize that is not part of the basis for couple's T. Any suggestions?

[allienoah]

Hi all!
I have agreed to try couple's therapy with my bf of 4 years (tumultuous!) Anyone who has read any of my posts here knows I am extremely confused as to whether to leave or stay. He demonstrates most of the traits, has triggers that send off eruptions, gives out emotional punishments that are completely out of proportion to the incident, is attempting to separate me from my kids and sister (they don't like him/respect our relationship as they have seen/heard his dysregulation). They all feel I deserve better than this and are adamant that they will no longer subject themselves to his behavior/rantings. I obviously have trouble setting/enforcing boundaries. I made a huge step last week when I did just that. I paid dearly for it, but I am proud of myself for doing it. Do I bring that up at T? How far do I go in my description of our r/s-do I just spill it and watch him "go off" as a result so the T can see the truth? I have so much to get off my mind, but I don't want it to be an ambush. In my personal T I am learning to build my self esteem so as not to take this anymore. Yet I realize that is not part of the basis for couple's T. Any suggestions?

[Dedicated Mom]

Hello! Notice how much your partner can take responsibility for his own behavior in the counseling versus using the space to vent and seek validation for gripes. It might be interesting for you to have a witness to your experience, and that's another positive aspect of counseling (for you). I hope the counseling helps you get some clarity!

[Grey Kitty]

First off, couples therapy with a pwBPD often is ineffective, so don't be too surprised if it doesn't help much.

Second, I would recommend you be truthful there, and that you let the therapist do their job, which means working with the therapist on the goals for therapy.

Third, given how much trouble you are having with his refusal to let you spend time with your kids... .make resolving this issue the primary goal of couples therapy. As get your bf to stop isolating you from your kids!

I'd strongly suggest you avoid any "solutions" that involve either inviting them to the therapy sessions, or trying to change/manage them.

[ACObound]

I would 100% agree with GK's analysis on CT.  1st CT lasted 4 sessions before my uBPDw would not go.  2nd CT lasted 8 sessions with constant attempt to make her the as the only victim.  The 2nd CT was great. Kept us in the moment, had us establish goals, validated by not invalidating etc. He even got to witness a rage directed at him instead of me.  When he suggested that she see and individual therapist to help manage her emotions, we were done.
It wasn't a waste of time.  I had two goals on going. 1) a therapist be able to possibly witness our relationship interactions.  He sure saw that.  2nd that a professional (instead of me) suggest or help her see an individual therapist(I have been seeing one for 2 years and working on co-dependency and other me issues) which he did.   As GK mentioned don't be suprised if it doesn't help and remember to take care of yourself.  Good luck.

[Notwendy]

I think it helps to be clear about what you wish to accomplish in CT. If your wish is for your BF to finally hear you out, see the light and realize his issues and change, then CT is probably not going to be successful. Most change occurs when we do the work to change ourselves and changing someone else isn't usually possible.

CT is useful in that it may keep the conflict from escalating so the discussion of issues is clearer. But that doesn't mean he is going to hear you- that is up to him. The CT can act as a referee. This has value as you have probably already noticed that discussing issues alone with your BF can become circular discussions. The CT may be able to help you to communicate in a more effective manner and not be as emotionally reactive.

What I have found works is boundaries, and staying firm with them. This is easier said than done as it involves us dealing with our fears, including our own fears of abandonment. Fears that if our partner isn't happy then they will leave. Holding on to boundaries is risky. It risks the relationship. This doesn't mean we threaten to leave, or that we don't want the relationship. It acknowledges that both parties in the relationship have choices. When we give in to our partner's demands, we take care of our fear that they won't be happy, but if we are compromising on our own values, we in a sense, abandon and diminish ourselves while teaching our partner that their bad behavior works. The partner is likely to continue doing what works.

It is sadly not uncommon for a partner of someone with BPD to give up important relationships- with parents, siblings, children, and friends- because their BPD partner doesn't like the relationship. To not give this up takes standing up for their right to have these relationships with people they care about. But it makes sense, someone who isn't able to stand up for their own values isn't able to stand up for their relationship with someone else.

Yes, it is true that your children are young adults who do not need to be cared for by a parent. If you let them go, they will very likely do fine on their own in terms of taking care of themselves. However the loss of an important relationship is hurtful at any age.

[allienoah]

We had CT last night. We decided to stick to what is happening right now and see going forward what we can do. My bf related his version of what happened last weekend---I had posted the situation here. I filled in the blanks and kept the story "real". I did not project feelings on anyone, or dramatize. Clearly he was not happy about my bringing out the reality of the situation instead of feeding into his version. I did validate how he felt during the incident. The T saw how he physically reacted when I spoke. She noticed him tensing up, getting red in the face, and defensive. I have to admit I am sure she read my body language too, as he was spouting "his reality". Do I think it will help? I don't know. But Greykitty you are correct. My goal, if continued, is to try to resolve this issue with my kids. No I am not abandoning them, as they are adults, but I want the relationship I always had with them. I did not bring them into this world to discard a good bond with them over a bf that is being unreasonable and has BPD. He did admit and apologize for how much he has verbally abused me but I know full well that this is temporary. He badly wants to be doing the right thing, I truly believe that.
Having said all of that, the T didn't really have much to say. It was the first meeting so I guess that is normal.

[Grey Kitty]

One thing I suggested in an earlier thread was that you change the locks or ask your bf to return your key, with the idea that he is welcome at your house, specifically when you invite him, not at all times, and especially not at times you are inviting your children!

Not letting him have a key is a way to enforce that boundary.

Are you still considering this? Is it something to bring up in couples therapy?

[allienoah]

yes I am changing the lock. I am doing it this weekend. I can't have that situation arise again. He feels he should be welcome at all times as we had talked about moving in together by now. Obviously-except to him-that is not possible at this time, if at all. He is very angry/disappointed/afraid now but I have to enforce this boundary.
His being there unannounced, showering and thinking he was staying was brought up at therapy. He of course tried to say that he thought my D was going back into the city in anger, but the truth is that he was being passive/aggressive and wanted to prove a point. I hope the T saw right through that. I guess when we go next week she will have more to say. I would like to hear from her, as if she is the type of T that just sits and listens with an occasional comment, I don't think she is for us.

[Grey Kitty]

Glad to hear you are changing the locks--That is good boundary enforcement on your part.

If he blows up, or if he ends this relationship, remember that he is choosing to do so, based on you being pretty reasonable, and having boundaries... .not because you are a horrible person, etc., etc., etc... .even if he does say such things!

Since he has abused the privilege of having a key to your house, it is reasonable to take that away from him.

Since he has behaved badly around your kids, and/or behaved badly with you before/after they spend time with you, that should have natural consequences as well, like him not being welcome in your life when they are there.

If he lashes out at you when you do these things, that is what he chose to do--it is on him, not on you! And it, too, will have consequences.

He could (in theory, anyhow), realize you are being reasonable, apologize, and then NOT lash out, not repeat the bad behavior, instead behave well, and earn your trust back. I mention this, because if he did, there would be consequences of this too--good consequences; he would be earning back some of the trust he's lost in you; the plan involving the two of you moving in together might be moving forward, for example.

[allienoah]

@grey kitty
Once again your support is so appreciated. I really do feed off of the positive reinforcement.

The situation has evolved to him not being around when my kids are there. He knows he is not welcome but that usually just feeds his anger so the before/after time is typically not good.
I like the "good consequence" part of your answer, this is something that will just naturally occur when I am comfortable with his actions.
I would like to be able to communicate to him that I need to trust him and his behavior.
He also feels he can't trust me because I failed to deliver on these things (moving in, separating more from my kids, etc.) I don't know that he will ever see that I am not comfortable doing what he demands all the time. I have stopped trying to placate him. I dug my own hole, as I used to agree with him to keep peace. Looking back, I never should have done that, as he takes it as carved in stone. He will also never acknowledge that his behavior has caused me great trepidation in moving forward in such ways.

[Grey Kitty]

Your description of how he is behaving toward you and how he is treating you isn't very trustworthy, at least according to my standards.

In my life, people who fail to live up to such standards find themselves pushed farther toward the outskirts of my life... .because they can safely live there even if I don't trust them very much; I don't put myself in as many situations where they could betray my trust.

Anyhow... .what he is saying about trusting you differs from my definition:

He also feels he can't trust me because I failed to deliver on these things (moving in, separating more from my kids, etc.)

It almost sounds like he's saying that he cannot trust you because he cannot completely control you. (If so, ick!) Perhaps that isn't really what he means... .or perhaps he's just randomly picking the world "trust" in a dysregulated rage, and doesn't really believe it?

But does it really matter why or how he defines it?

If you and he have incompatible ideas of what trustworthy behavior in a relationship looks like, that would put some serious limits on your relationship--you won't be able to trust each other... .and this is true, no matter if his view of trustworthy is distorted... .or if yours is... .or if it is a honest difference of opinion without a particular right or wrong here.

[allienoah]

His behavior isn't trustworthy. What I CAN trust is that he will dysregulate when he feels I've "pulled the rug out from under him" yet again. This usually relates to some unreasonable or impossible demand he puts on me. Then when I don't agree to do it exactly as he would, off we go.
Control is a huge issue here. My T tells me that is what this whole game is about. But you do point out that my bf and I have a difference of opinion as to what trustworthy behavior is. I don't necessarily think his idea of trustworthy is wrong, it's the context in which he puts it. For example:
He: Put your foot down with your kids. Tell them I have to be there if they are there. They don't get to restrict me being there
Me: I will talk to them and work something out.
He: Enough talking! Tell them to get their stuff out of your house. They are always welcome. The door is always open. But I have to be free to come and go. We said we were going to live together!
Me: I'll take care of it, calm down.

I guess there is my fatal mistake, saying I'd take care of it. Usually above conversation comes with yelling, insults, etc.

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, control is behind abusive behavior every time.

His version seems to be one where if you are "trustworthy", you are willing to throw anybody else in your life under a bus for him, aka your kids. And if you won't do that, you are betraying his trust.

You will help things a bit when you stop 'giving in' and promising to do exactly that -- throw your kids under a bus for him, even when he demands it of you.

It seems to me that if he forces you to choose between your kids and him, you will chose your kids. If he wants to be with you, he has to accept that your kids are an important part of your life. That is who you are. That is the real you. If he is "in love" with a fantasy version of you who has no kids, he isn't seeing the real you.

Perhaps he will come to accept and love you unconditionally as you are.

[allienoah]

I will choose my kids. Maybe he will love me and accept me some day unconditionally. Time will tell.
You are completely correct that I need to stop giving in. It is I who need to get stronger and more together. He is just being him. I am side-stepping and walking on the proverbial eggshells. So frustrated with myself and my lack of conviction when it comes to standing up to him.