"I thought"

[Octy]

The crazy making r/s that started with "I thought". In the beginning she was still staying with her ex as they were sharing a car. Another ex(now husband) had just contacted her. I refused sex until she made a decision to go forward with me or the second ex. She told me she chose me one night and so it began. Later I found out she had flown to see this other ex as a "friend". I found out she was still having sex with her local ex and was sexual on her trip. She said she thought I only wanted to have sex with her, even after being direct and refusing at least five times. Like I didn't have a heart she could hurt. I forgave her.

Near the end one day she said again  all I wanted to do  Is have sex with her. Two days later she ghosted me to Hawaii for
 her now husband. Came back, stopped by to pay me some money and cheated on him with me(hard to believe we had ever ended).
When she told  him he acted strong like he wouldn't accept it.  A week later she came for a planned trip a thousand miles away to see my family without committing If she would be with me even if he called(I was already a shell of myself because of more than I can write here, but I was in the fog as an understatement). My family knew nothing. She wanted sex all the time but I felt the phone could ring at any minute and I would lose her. I was torturing myself. I would say after ten ours a day driving (we were car shopping) that I just wanted to cuddle and sleep. She would blackmail me to not touch her unless we had sex. No watching a movie or she would just go to sleep if we didn't have sex. He did call crying and asked her back. I found out she had said we were drunk when we had had sex but I was sober as could be for two months because of the pain the r/s was causing(the pain would swing to drinking when it was finally done). She slandered me after it ended as someone only using her for sex.

I read some interesting accounts of exBPD persons who put there exes down(after building up of course) about their sex life as they destroyed the SOs self esteem through lies and cheating, but Im still interested in the topic as it seems they had no conscience about their words from moments earlier. Avoiding all responsibility for inappropriate actions or accusations(I always cheated in her eyes but her list was proven). So contradictory, yet so sure of themselves. Triggers everywhere. Ugh.