Just got out of relationship with BPD BF (undiagnosed)

[pjjc]

Hello Everyone, I am new to this group. I found out about this group through a friend of mine.

My BPD BF and I were together for 2.5 years. Our relationship was wonderful, amazing, fantastic, etc etc to start. We have/had alot of the same interests. We got a long great, we never argued or had a disagreement, we had amazing sexual chemistry, he treated me with respect and genuinely cared about my needs, and we were both well received by each other's family and friends. He was the man of my dreams. 2.5 months into our relationship, as we were falling asleep he uttered those three words "I love you" to me. I was so happy and elated to hear that as I felt the same way. Something happened shortly after, and I still to this day don't know what happened... .we lost something.

We've had a few conversations about our relationship and the direction of our relationship while we were together but I was always able to convince him otherwise. However, this time I wasn't able to. We broke up on February 10th. My world and the life I knew for the last 2.5 years completely changed. I found my own place and moved out a few weeks after.

I have done a lot of soul searching, learning about myself, and self awareness in the past couple weeks. The same friend who suggested I check out this forum, recommended the book "The Human Magnet Syndrome" to me. I have come to recognize that I am a co-dependent in romantic relationships. The author's theory is that we naturally attract and are drawn to people who are opposite from us (me being a co-dependent unconsciously seek men who are narcissistic and/or have personality disorders such as BPD.

I did recognize we had issues in our relationship, but i felt that we would be able to overcome them together because we truly loved each other. I have a lot of self esteem and confidence issues of my own as well (stemming from my childhood). I felt like I gave up a lot of not all myself in our relationship, I don't think I had anything else to give to save our relationship at the end. I tried to overcompensate for the issues in our relationship by doing EVERYTHING for him. I put his needs ahead of mine. My entire life revolved around his. I am not happy with myself or my life, and I don't think he is happy with himself either... .I think we relied on each other for happiness and to make each other "whole". I recognize now that this is not healthy whatsoever. I honestly thought (and I still think) he finally decided to call it off because of me. I do kind of see now that it isn't totally my fault. We both had a role in how our relationship turned out. After reading the book, I thought he was just a narcissist but I do see some of the traits of BPD in him. Not ALL but some.

He did not have a good childhood. His dad was an alcoholic who cheated on his mom numerous times and left when he was just 3 years old. His mom told him that she never wanted another child, and she only had him because his dad had "tricked her". She resented him growing up because he reminded her of his dad. Their relationship is not the greatest now as a result. He HAD a substance abuse problem, he has mood swings (nothing crazy), he seemed to always beat himself up (call himself a loser) if he makes a mistake (even the smallest mistake that is totally fixable), his serious relationships other than his marriage were short lived (2-2.5 years). He was with his ex wife for 9 years. He once told me he spent their relationship trying to change her with no success. (Is trying to change someone a trait of people with BPD?) His last serious relationship was 2 years, he broke up with her because she was spending too much time with her friends rather than him (and I found this out through his mother that she wanted to have a child with him, and he wasn't ready). The irony in that is that he felt I wanted to spend too much time with him and he didn't like that.

Anyways... .We still talk on the phone, and see each other once (sometimes twice) a week. I know he's going through some things right now and I want to be able to support him (he has one good friend and his mom here so he doesn't have a lot of people he can turn to). He is being hot and cold right now and it's really getting to me. Sometimes when we get together, he will compliment the way I look or if we are doing something, we joke, laugh, tease each other, and he looks at me in "that way". I've been 'practicing' no contact. I don't initiate any contact either through text or call. I will only respond to his. He called me and texted me Wednesday night, I didnt respond as I was in the middle of something. I returned his call yesterday morning and we chatted for about 10-15 minutes. he must have called me 2 -3 times yesterday after that and we talked for at least 30 minutes each time... .The conversation was like any other conversation we had when we were together. We grabbed a bite to eat before he came over to watch the hockey game. I haven't heard a peep from him today.

I'm kind of at a lost as to what to do. I know I need to look after myself and put ME first. I bought a copy of the book for him, he said he will read it. I've asked him a few times, but he hasn't yet. I am hoping he will and maybe be able to identify with the book. I still feel the need to help him even though its not my responsibility. Should I somehow gently bring this up to him or let him realize it on his own terms? I still care and love him very much, and I believe he still feels the same way about me... .I just don't know what to do... .

I am rambling here.

Thank-you for listening/reading.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Hi pjjc  



Your story resonates with me and, I'm sure, with many others around here. If you read their threads, I'm guessing that you'll quickly start to see similarities in what you have experienced with what others have.

BPD is a spectrum disorder, as is narcissism. As a result, it's entirely possible that he presents traits of both POs.

I'm a bit confused by something that you said, what did you mean when you said that you feel the need to help him and asked if you should bring it up?

Also, it there a reason that you are not contacting him? Contacting him more than he is contacting you (chasing) can be bad, but so can forcing him to chase you.

[pjjc]

Hi Meili, Thank you for responding to my post... .I was just wondering if I should bring up the fact that his relationship issues stems from his childhood.

I wanted to give him his space... .I didn't want to smother him. I've also read that absence makes the heart grow fonder.


We actually had an in person conversation yesterday. I brought up the fact that I believe we BOTH have isssues stemming from our childhood and as a result we both were dependent on each other. I believe he does recognizes his issues. . During our conversation, he actually brought up the contacting each other part. He said it's not that he doesnt want to talk to me or know how I'm doing. He said there's often times he picks up the phone to do so but doesn't as he  thinks talk and texting daily is good for either one of us.

This is going to sound so silly of me to say but I feel deep down we are meant to be together. I believe he still genuinely cares and that connection is still there but as I mentioned above we both have to work on ourselves. Im looking into therapy for myself and I am planning on suggesting couple therapy and individual therapy for him. I'm just not entirely sure how he will perceive the couple therapy part. Is it possible to focus on ourselves and maintain some kind of relationship? We are going to have a conversation later and any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[Meili]

Whether or not to bring up that we think that our partners' issues are causing problems is a common question around here. It is generally cautioned not to do so. The reasons behind the warning are that our partners can, and often do, take it as an insult and become defensive. The situation can escalate very quickly and we find ourselves defending against attacks when we were just trying to improve the relationship.

Of course, everyone's situation is unique because we are all individuals have unique histories.

That being said, if you are going to try to suggest couples counseling, and you think that he will be at least somewhat receptive to the idea, then it is suggested that you use a lot of "I" and "we" statements rather than "you" statements. "I think that we would benefit from couple's counseling because I think that we can improve things between us." That type of thing.

It isn't silly that you think that the two of you are meant to be together. There are people in my life that I feel that way about as well. I think that a lot of us around here can say the same.