Is anger always a part of a BPD's make up?

[KtotheK]

I've been reading lots of posts on here and many of if not most people write about their BPD partners inevitably turning to anger and unpleasant behaviour. I suspect my ex had BPD a they show many of the other traits but from what i re-call they were never angry towards me. In actual fact I don't recall them really getting angry at me although I know anger came out at other people. I seemed to escape it. They would get so upset and would resort to anger and frustation at family members (to quite extreme degrees) and work colleagues (1 in particular who they clashed with and would often rant at me about them ... .which did lead to them avoiding work etc for days in a row at times. The boss could be their best friend one day and then the next the worst person in the world.  I am now questioning if I wasn't at the direct receiving end of anger etc am I barking up the wrong tree with BPD? So much of what I have read rings true with my ex but this aspect sounds so pivotal? I was certainly seduced and manipulated and over 3 years I was let down several times... .idiolised and then was walked out on, replaced and left thinking did they even care, did they even love me etc etc. Wanting the world with me one day and then the next walking out the door and never looking back. Etc etc ... .I now question this aspect and would appreciate  any thoughts. Thank you

[redriver]

Hi KtotheK, My ex GF that I suspect was BPD, she never really showed any anger or aggressive behaviour. There are different kinds not sure that would be the right word to use, but none the less. Mine was always happy go luck she was very funny and playful, but if she thought you looked at her in a judgmental way she would up and storm off, in an emotional huff. After she would calm down you always got a story about how her EX used to look at her that was and made her feel stupid. Look into waif and queen borderlines’. Mine fits into almost all the traits but the rage was never part of it.

What were some of the traits that you noticed during and after the relationship?

I’m amazed how similar others stories are to mine.

[KtotheK]

Hi! Thanks for responding.
The previous time to this walk out, my ex came round and everything was fine. We had been back together about 2 months and i wanted to know whether we were okay and ready to try properly (to give you some further background info I've only just come to realize possible BPD after she hinted at it - we are now a year and a bit on from this  Said walk out that I am writing about) I  hope that makes sense!

As I started this convo she listened for about 2 minutes and then went completely defensive, blamed me for everything that had gone wrong in our relationship so far - threw everything but the kitchen sink at me and walked out the door. I then had no contact from her ... .until 9 months later she re-connected and we started again for her to leave again 3 months later!
My feelings were never really considered... .she would encourage me to talk and say what I was feeling as she did prior to Said chat above but then would dismiss my feelings as I poured my heart out. I now see how the intimacy / closeness pushed her away etc. it really is so hard. She presented  getting low and down prior to the most recent break up. Suggested that perhaps she has a personality disorder and then left me to go to the otherside of the world having said to me that she wanted the world with me and that I was her one and only blah blah .she has since in the space of 3 and a bit months been with 2 other people.

[OptimusRhyme]

Rage and anger can take a lot of different forms, some of them really subtle, and BPD (from what I understand) is a network of behavioral patterns that can manifest quite differently from sufferer to sufferer.

Some of the absolute horror stories I've read (on this board and elsewhere) made me really question myself at the beginning of my NC and recovery - "holy hell, she didn't get me fired or call the cops or slash my tires, maybe she was right and I really was the problem." But the degree of manifestation doesn't really make a difference to the end quality of the relationship, does it? Whether you're left quietly with a broken heart and a horribly confused mind, or violently with a public/financial meltdown, the relationship was dysfunctional.

"Storming off in an emotional huff", especially when there's some historical projection (her ex looked at her like that) and fear (it made her feel stupid) could be interpreted as using anger to ward off pain and shame.

Similarly, for your ex,  KtotheK,  I might suggest that when you say you seemed to be spared her anger, but she confided her anger for others in you, that others in her life might have the exact same experience about her gripes with you - triangulation and balancing support mobs off one another also strikes me as a part of the behavioral network of BPD.

If we can see that the behavior is an internally-referenced system (that is, their condition and behaviors towards you aren't personal, and no matter what you did or how good a partner you were, their actions won't change), then I'd think if she's capable of anger at others, she's certainly capable of anger at you, regardless of how conscious you (and her!) were of it.

[Icefog]

My ex never got angry outward at me but I now realize she internalized it all. She stated that she had been in therapy to help her manage her intense anger that she had in the past. It appears that what she learned from that was to become emotionally detached, internalize the anger, and become resentful. She no longer had angry outbursts but nothing was ever resolved and she became so resentful she just detached from the relationship and left... .abruptly and without warning or ever identifying anything was wrong. She has done this across many partners. She stated this to me in not so many words and when I asked her why she would not communicate her problems in the relationship with me so we could attempt to resolve them her response was "i'm not the kind of person who identifies  problems with her partner". That floored me. My response to that was "how is it that you are ever going to have a healthy relationship if you don't do that?" to this question there was no response and just a blank stare... .she had split again... .and then it was over... .   

[redriver]

When my Ex and I met I had NEVER heard of a personality disorder, When the relationship started it was wonderful, so much being validated and so on. I took the emotional episodes for “time of the month” or stress, I did not see any real red flags. Before she broke up with me she went very quiet and in word, she blamed it on stress and just being tired, I see now the pushing away. When I came across BPD it was like a bolt of lightning. I can’t nor anyone else say she is or is not BPD, but having traits and not being BPD can be just as damaging as having it. I found out after the breakup how many lies, I don’t know if she did cheat on me for sure, but it sure feels that way, but not one conversation after, not one has been truthful. She hooked up with a new guy right after we were done. She moved so fast within 3 weeks was living with him. Saying I love you’ s within the same time. The FB posts were just nonstop. She now is going to have a baby with him. I know she planned it, but has told everyone and him that it was an ops. I she contacts me once in a while to see how I am or how my kids are doing. I don’t cut her off and go NC, I’ve thought about it, but I’m still not there yet. That’s a long story of my codependence and disbelief along with denial. However I keep a list of all the lies I know about. I’m up to 35 that I can prove.
As for your EX hinting that she might have a personality disorder, I think is her telling you that she knows she does. Like yours mine would blame me for everything that was not right in the relationship, and take no responsibility at all. With everything else that was wrong in her life was always because of something else, or someone else.

[KtotheK]

Thank you ... .that makes a lot of sense. There was a time actually when I think about it that she absolutely exploded to a Mutual friend about me and was raging and in floods of tears all at the same time. That was about 10 months into our relationship - so quite early on (seems a lifetime ago - would have been 3 years this  month we would have be together but that does include the 9 month break). I guess you look back and realise the signs we there but you had no idea. That meltdown (exactly as my friend explained to me) was because I wasn't putting her first and thinking of her enough ... .I guess she was tettering on abandonment. How the dynamics changed throughout - the push pull I guess. Needless to say I have been left blaming myself and beating myself up for that 9 months, questioning every inch of who I am... .feeling worthless, feeling totally to blame. I was then seduced and manipulated (as I now understand it to be) and left once again. But thankfully to her this time around in as far as giving me a heads up (which is so strange) I have come to realise that I did not need to blame so much and I have been given answers. I only feel sorry for future victims as she knows she may have a problem but it not ready / prepared to do anything about it.

[KtotheK]

Thank you icefog and redriver

[wellwellwell]

My ex was often extremely passive and quiet. She'd avoid the smallest conflict as she couldn't resolve it. I later understood that she was teriffied of her anger. Later, she would explode with rage at me, but never at anyone else. That's why no-one, including my own family and her psychiatrist, believed what was going on. She also never engaged in self-harm or substance abuse, but towards the end she would tell me that she wanted to burn everything, including herself. My understanding is that in childhood BPD can find different ways to respond to their own anger and fear. It's the extreme difficulty with emotional regulation that's a hallmark of the disorder. It does often manifest as outbursts, but it can be internalised or deeply avoided. There are lots of 'I thought I was the only one' moments for me in this thread.

[Icefog]

Your experience mirrors mine KtotheK and your feelings do as well. My time frame was 3 years as well but if I look at it objectively it really ended 8 months before as she had disengaged due to her distorted belief that I was not paying enough attention to her. I struggle every day, most of the time with what I could have done differently yet my rationale mind knows nothing would have worked based on the disorder. To validate that all I have to do is observe her past 7 or 8 relationships where she has left the bodies scattered about. I know how she left them as well and it is identical to how she left me. It wasn't about me... .in fact I question whether anything in the relationship was about me. I am at a point now where I have recognized so many mistruths she told me that I don't know what to believe about her or anything she told me anymore. Not that this matters... .I often hurt myself emotionally when I think of such things and I am working my hardest not to ruminate but its tough when you're in your head all the time. I have often wished I could erase my memory for the past three years.

[OptimusRhyme]

There are lots of 'I thought I was the only one' moments for me in this thread.

I'mma be honest, I really wish I had a video montage of all the times I've been reading this board and literally burst out laughing at how uncannily some of y'all's experiences perfectly mirrored mine. It'd be spooky, if it wasn't so validating.

[earlyL]

it really ended 8 months before as she had disengaged due to her distorted belief that I was not paying enough attention to her. I struggle every day, most of the time with what I could have done differently yet my rationale mind knows nothing would have worked based on the disorder.

I totally had the same as this, she had an affair and said it was because I was not around enough, I never heard her say sorry. This thread is so useful, I always wonder as my exBPD didn't rage in the same way, but the silent treatment was the equivalent. I did see her rage with people at work though, but she would usually just shout and then go off in a huff, she actually never did that to me personally until the end - which was all about her guilt. It has taken me forever to get this though, I really do struggle with if I had done something differently. I've thought about it more recently and if I had read some of these books, there is a chance I would have then treated her more like a person with an illness than a person, and I don't think that would have worked either.

[KtotheK]

[/quote] She also never engaged in self-harm or substance abuse, but towards the end she would tell me that she wanted to burn everything, including herself.

My ex didn't do any of the above either but would drink rather excessively when out and never remember what she wasdoing? Also episodes of cheating. Would also talk about driving her car recklessly which I believe is another trait? 

[OptimusRhyme]

She also never engaged in self-harm or substance abuse, but towards the end she would tell me that she wanted to burn everything, including herself.

My ex didn't do any of the above either but would drink rather excessively when out and never remember what she wasdoing? Also episodes of cheating. Would also talk about driving her car recklessly which I believe is another trait?  

Yep, my ex would tell me she was driving drunk because she knew it was a big deal to me and would get attention. Also told me she had to turn to wine and cigarettes to cope with how I made her feel. It's not as overt as a suicide threat or cutting, but it's a matter of degree.

[Careca9]

it is so odd reading this thread and seeing other with almost identical situations... .

My ex had no outward anger throughout the r/s, and like has been posted above when i first came on here i seriously had to question if my thoughts of BPD were right as there had been no anger at all. The worst i have seen is silent treatment/blocking + disappearing of the face of earth and clearly very angry toned texts post break up, prior all was almost perfect. As mentioned in the thread i also feel i've been quite lucky with this!

anyway my ex def has this condition or traits of it. For me finding out about BPD was like switching a light on over what was happening which was so weird to be on the end of. I now can see a number of very small red flags that sneaked into conversations that give more clues to her having traits of this condition. I'd def say that not seeing anger is by no way a reason not to believe you are in the right place. its clear from my experience and a few on this thread that some waif/quiet borderlines do not show anger or range outward and for them this likely manifests internally in their head.

[enlighten me]

My uBPD ex wife and I never argued. She did have a few occasions in the 14 years we were together where she had outbursts. Once she hit me in the face with a pan when I asked her what she was cooking. She said she thought I was being rude about her cooking and also put it down to the time of the month. Another I was awoken from what felt like a punch in the face. She was facing the other way and said she must have rolled over and accidentally elbowed me. It didn't fit and I always thought I must have been snoring and irritated her.

She did however do other more sneaky things. She told me that when she got mad she used to run me a bath and urinate in it to get her own back for some perceived slight.

So even if they don't get angry to your face they may be hiding resentment and get you back other ways. Spending was another one when she felt resentful.

[Aesir]

My ex seemed to cycle between anger and depression on a constant basis. Her anger which was usually based on blame and self loathing was almost always in the back ground. Everything seemed to piss her off at one point or another.