She asked "Did you rape me yesterday?" Sadomasochism, Abuse history

[Hlinthewiking]

Hi guys, since this is another topic, I thought it needed extra attention and I created a new topic, I'v read all your comments in the other topic, thank you for them, they've been helpful.

We went to see her therapist together last week and it went well, I was able to tell the truth to her therapist and now she knows how to help better. Since then, no fights, everything is "good".

To recap, my girlfriend has Bipolar 1 and BPD, she see's 2 therapists and takes medication.

Something is going on that is beyond bothering me, it's getting worried about arrest.

It's the second time she approaches me and asks if I had sex with her while she was a sleep, asks if I raped her, tells me she has a memory of it. The first time she couldn't even reference me a day, she just said she had that memory. The last time it happened was yesterday and this time she thought it happened on the day before, Saturday.

I could barely keep my calm, since it's inconceivable to me to do that, I would never hurt her or desire to enter into sexual intercourse without her consent.
 The night she referenced, she was having a nightmare, moaning and turning in bed, I woke her up, said she was having a nightmare and calmed her down. In the morning after, I asked her what she dreamed about, she said she didn't remember, then hours after, when she was at work, she asked me if I had raped her that night. We spoke, it's actually even logical to know I didn't, since we didn't even had sex that night, we were both in clothes and clean, she noticed I was deeply bothered by it, felt guilty, apologized and said it could have been a dream, still she was not convinced, I could tell, she really does have the memory, even though it's false.

Today first thing in the morning was to text her therapist about this, I want to make sure it's something they discuss next session, this needs to be resolved. I'm starting to fear getting close to her or having intercourse, fearing she will go into a bad state and charge me with rape.

She told me she was abused as a child, but didn't really give me much detail, I didn't want to ask because I imagine it's a delicate topic, so I just offered support.

She's also has some sadomasochistic approaches to sex, which I'm not used to. She asked me to strangle her, hit her, she also scratches me and bites hard, to the point I bleed. She was a bit worse when we met, but I couldn't even keep an erection feeling so much pain, so now it's a bit better, we can do it "normally" but I would prefer is she did it a bit more gently.

Now I'm concerned she doesn't see sex the way I do, I think there's something disturbing, but I don't know, I just know that I need to find a way to end this thing about her thinking I raped her before something gets serious. Please help.

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[Grey Kitty]

First things first: You cannot ever, possibly, in any way, any how, end her thinking about anything. Including thinking that you raped her in her sleep.

All you can do is control your actions. (Heck, I can't even control my own thoughts, never mind controlling anybody else's thoughts!)

You can do things to mitigate your risks of being falsely accused of rape.

Anyhow... .a couple thoughts/questions... .

She's also has some sadomasochistic approaches to sex, which I'm not used to. She asked me to strangle her, hit her, she also scratches me and bites hard, to the point I bleed. She was a bit worse when we met, but I couldn't even keep an erection feeling so much pain, so now it's a bit better, we can do it "normally" but I would prefer is she did it a bit more gently.

Q1: Have you researched BDSM? There is a community of people who are into that kind of kink, there are books, podcasts, videos, LOTS of resources.

I lack personal experience, but I can tell you that there are rules, there are best practices, and this will make it safer and more enjoyable for both of you.

Note: strangling, aka breath play, and hitting (especially depending on where you hit!) both are potentially dangerous, and learning safe practices is highly recommended.

Q2: Can you and she talk openly about sex? About what you want, about what she wants?

It might help a lot if the two of you could discuss 'scenes' you want to try ahead of time, safewords, etc.

  It is common for one partner to be more kinky (her) and one to be more vanilla (you). Part of a good r/s is that you both want to satisfy and please the other, and enjoy that. This means that *sometimes* you do what she wants, as long as it doesn't harm you, even if it doesn't turn you on very much, and *sometimes* she returns the favor to you. Variety is good 

  Would you ever initiate sex with her when she is asleep? I'm assuming that the answer to that is a resounding NO, and given the questions she is asking you, that absolutely is the only safe answer. I'd suggest you tell her you will never do that to her... .and preferably not even wake her up to initiate sex, just because of the risks around it.

Q3: Aside from these accusations, do the two of you have a generally good sex life?

[Hlinthewiking]

Q1: I might have heard about it in the movies, but I don't know much and I'm not sure it gets to that, I'm talking more about pain then kink, but you may be right.

Q2: Yeah I believe we have that freedom, I'm just worried about feedbacking as it may trigger her, make her think like she's not pleasing me and defend herself.

  : My ex actually asked me to do it. She said she would like to wake up in mid sex, we did it once or twice and I thought it was exciting. Rape never occurred me to, it was never something either wasn't interested in and she never declined that I did it, if she did, I wouldn't have done it. Since I liked it with my exBPDgf I asked something similar once to her via text, was a couple months ago, I didn't even remember it until today checking old messaged, it was just a reference openly, conversation lasted less then 10 seconds, she implied rape in that case, which I thought was absurd but didn't reply and we didn't have any fights.

I woke her up with oral sex a couple times and she liked it, she seemed tired and I did it so she didn't have to move much, she was wake but sleepy, then after a few minutes she woke up fully and we had sex. I also tried initiating sex a couple other times when she was sleeping, but I groped her and tried to wake her up to do it, she just said she was tired and I should let her sleep, so I did. This is all that ever happened, so yeah, after this incident I'm not comfortable doing those things, which to me sound completely natural.

Q3: Yes, we can't see each other more then once or twice a week but when we do we both enjoy each other. It always starts kinda natural and mutual to a point I'm not even sure who starts it, the fact she hurts me sometimes turns me down, but she's doing less often now and I'm a bit more used to it, she also is more proactive then what I'm used to, which has positive and negative points, all in all we always please each other. The real problem is the accusations of rape, the mentioning of the sadomasochistic approach to sex was an attempt to answer why she was thinking I was doing that to her. I thought she harbored something inside that made her thing she needed to be punished during sex and thinking that she deserved that punishment took away some weight from inside her and made her climax and relax. Just a theory.

[Grey Kitty]

Waking a partner up with sex when you've been accused like this (your current situation!) is a absolute no-go zone. OTOH, if you are comfortable with a partner, regularly sleep with them (and by that I mean sleep, not a euphemism for sex), like it was with your ex is a different thing. Clearly a person asleep cannot consent to sex. Yet a partner can think it would be sexy or fun, and discuss it while awake in advance.

In summary, it seems like a somewhat risky thing in general, and an unacceptable risk for you with your current partner.

The real problem is the accusations of rape, the mentioning of the sadomasochistic approach to sex was an attempt to answer why she was thinking I was doing that to her. I thought she harbored something inside that made her thing she needed to be punished during sex and thinking that she deserved that punishment took away some weight from inside her and made her climax and relax. Just a theory.

People find themselves wired to be turned on by different things. It can involve pain, it can involve punishment. It could involve saran wrap. The list is long, and some of it is kinda obscure or uncommon.

Whatever it is that turns your girlfriend on, that is something you and she can explore together. Aside: Don't look to movies (especially 50 shades) for good info on how to do kinky things. There are good resources you can look at instead!

But the accusations that you raped her in her sleep sounds to me like BPD dysregulations / distorted thinking, that don't really have much of anything to do with kink or BDSM.