Suspect husband is flirting ... What should I do ?

[AnonUK]

Background - My husband of 2 years shows BPD traits. We live in 2 separate apartments very nearby and he comes over in good times and then pulls off and stays alone in bad times. I am almost isolated and do speak to my family over phone. He is highly functional and has a good appearance socially. After reading about BPD I am trying to be patient and more watchful in my reactions and want to be empathetic and validating... .

Problem - After all the hard work that I have done to gain his trust... .w were really enjoying the best times of our relationship ... .working and staying together. This went about for abt 4 months and then there was some distraction. There was a female that came to him for some work and then he started communicating with her... .He told me everything about her and the conversations that were happening. I did tell him to stop 'flirting' and he jokingly said "I feel happy when I see your possessiveness. I deliberately tell you all about her to make you jealous so that you will care for me more". This went on for sometime. My husband goes out of the way to help her for anything she needs or talks/chats with her. All this has suddenly changed the good times that we were having ... .he now have started living in his apartment ... .he does come over to mine for breakfast and lunch... .This is happening for last 2 months. However from the past 15 days he is not talking much ... .just formal talking ... .keeps saying very busy and don't have time for you... .when I confront and ask him about whats going on he says "I will tell you when time comes... .I do not have anyone else to talk other than you. I will speak . give me sometime"... ."I am not telling you now to protect you... .you will unnecessarily start worrying abt me".
I have very categorically and firmly told him  that any cheating on his part is the end of our relationship... .I trust him and at least know that if he is dating her he will tell me ... .He just does not sit and discuss this with me - as of now.

Question -
How should I end this silent treatment ? if I force him to a conversation he starts accusing... .mentioning all the 'mistakes' I committed since the past 2 years and before... .how I am not a good wife or how I should have taken care of him before to avoid this situation ... .and this silence is killing me ... .I  do not know where he goes and what he does ... .What should I do ? Should I wait patiently till he is comfortable talking about it ?
I fear that this situation is a volcano and can erupt anytime ... .

He is raging, abusive and accuses me of everything ... .however still I believe that he will not leave me for this female ... .we do share a bond of trust ... .Apart from n number of fights he has never let me down ... .have always come back to me ... .and he himself has told me a lot about this female ... .I just empathised with him ... .but have given him a warning that any cheating won't be tolerated ... .
What should I do ?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

#1 - you don't end a session of silent treatment or force him to talk to you about topics he doesn't want to discuss.  We can't control our person with BPD.  We can set boundaries around the behavior we will tolerate, but mostly, we have to choose to walk out of the room when abuse starts to enforce them.  We can change our own behaviors that make the drama worse.  But we cannot make them do anything directly. 

It sounds like he has all the control in this relationship and there are red flags that go beyond his possible emotional and/or physical cheating.  You live alone unless he's in a good mood.  You are isolated and only talk to family on the phone.  He keeps you in his tower until he's ready to take you down to play with you, like a toy.  And a new game is to hurt you by implying, at least, that he has a replacement for you lined up - this is to control you and make sure you toe the line or he will get a new person in your place.  That is the only reason for his comments.  To control you.

What do you do other than work and see him when his mood permits?  Do you have any friends?  Hobbies?  You don't need to be his Rapunzel, even in a BPD relationship. 

How do you enforce him not cheating when you don't even live together and have no way to know what he's up to?  Do you joint pay cell accounts?  You can look up his calls online for free and see if you pick up any pattern to the numbers called that you can't identify.  If you can't do that, all you have is the word of am emotionally disordered person who is manipulating you. 

I'm sorry, there is no waiting for him to be "comfortable" about a cheating conversation - even without BPD people get defensive.  BPD is about making everything someone else's fault.  So even when a pwBPD does something that violates trust or abuses someone else, they point out how you deserve it, how it's your fault anyway. 

So, you have to set a very hard boundary.  How do you end the relationship if you prove or even strongly suspect he's cheating?  What steps do you take to enforce your boundary?  Do you stop talking?  Return any joint items?  Officially divorce?  These are the only things you can really do if you find he has been cheating.  He is not going to admit it. 

[AnonUK]

I like music and reading ... .so when he is not around I spend time reading or listening to music or internet... .once in a year I do go and meet my family personally as they stay in a different city... .quite far away ... .Regarding friends ... do not have many friends as this is a new city for me ... just a couple of neighbours with whom I talk ... .

After marriage I have come to stay with him and stay in his house. He does meet me for lunch and dinner - so I cook for him . His office is just next door ... so when he is working if he needs anything (any small help ... .tea etc) I help him. Except mobile phone, I have access to all his belongings - office and home. I know all his bank accounts... .He keeps all the cheque books with me. Asks me when he wants to use them ... .I know all his income and mostly how he spends it... .he takes most of the financial burden as I am not working (he does not want me to work for someone else... .and won't give any of his office work to me because he does not think I am good enough to work with him). Just to mention I myself was working for 16 years before my marriage ... .and we both were at one time colleagues and worked in the same organisation ... .

You are right in saying that he has the 'control' over our relationship ... and I think I allowed it because I wanted marriage to last and did not know about BPD and just was confuse as to what is happening ... .so I gave in to all his demands to adjust hoping that things might become better ... .regarding enforcing boundaries ... .till now I never actually enforced any major boundaries on him ... .anytime I did so would result in a all night fight leaving me in all sorts of doubts ... .I recently came to know about BPD and now want to handle the situation in a better way ... .


He never calls her on his own ... .but whenever the female called him he spoke with her in such a way which implied he was interested in the female... (which the female must have got the feeling) and then she kept on calling regularly and he must have spoken to her ... .he is a bully ... .he will always say "I never call her ... .she calls me" which is actually true... .I did argue that she calls you because she thinks you are interested and that is because of the way you talk to her ... .the reply to this is "I can't be rude to her... .she is struggling and asking me for help and I helped her". I have also argued about why don't you ask her to meet me ... I can also help her out ... ."If I tell her about you ... she will not be interested in me and she will go away and then I will have no one else to talk to ... " (he does have a group of his male friends... .but no female friends... .)and then if I say "I am here with you why do you need anyone else" ... .then starts the entire list of my "mistakes" that I have committed since 2 years ... .and how I did not take care of him and how and why he does not like talking to me ... .and how actually I myself am responsible for this situation ... ."If you had been a good wife, then this would have never happened... ."... but when I say ok fine then leave me ... .he will say "You are just like any other part/organ of my body... .I am not complete without you... .I cannot leave you."

Having said that ... .and whatever I know of him ... .with whatever investigation I have done... .he has probably HAD to tell her that he is married and that must have made the female a bit less interested ... .or at least clear on his status... .the calls seems lesser ... .but not sure ... .

When he was talking about this female ... I had very categorically mentioned to him that any cheating would result in divorce... .I have made it very clear and mentioned it time and again whenever he spoke about this female to me... .and I mean it ... .I am ready for a divorce if I find out that he has cheated me... .and he has understood it... .hopefully... .

[Grey Kitty]

First off, I suggest you be honest with yourself about this:

You *KNOW* your H is flirting, and you know for sure that he is flirting with one specific woman.

What you don't know is how far he's taken thing, although you don't think he's cheating. (Aside: Some people are incorrigible flirts, but they usually flirt with anybody of correct gender... .you don't mention this)

I did tell him to stop 'flirting' and he jokingly said "I feel happy when I see your possessiveness. I deliberately tell you all about her to make you jealous so that you will care for me more".

I kinda understand that this is based on his own insecurity--his fear that you don't love him, or would leave him. Just the same, that statement really bugged me; I just hate that kind of deliberate manipulation.

Anyhow... .it is completely possible he wants to flirt and make you jealous, but doesn't actually intend to cheat on you. He doesn't sound at all remorseful about it. You will probably have a really hard time getting him to stop.