The fog lifts and I keep remembering...

[UnforgivenII]

Today I remembered.
Because I went on a school trip with my students. And last year I went on a school trip and when I came back he picked me up and it would have been the first time I slept at his house. I was so happy and so in love, I was in full love bombing stage and it felt like a first night after wedding.
It turned out to be a nightmare.
We went to bed and he came to bed fully dressed. He lloked like an astronaut. Layers of clothes. Sweater, tshirt, pj and socks. He was clearly distressed but I did not notice it at the time. I thought he was nervous, like me. But when I saw him I thought "Wow, this is weird".
He had troubles in starting. I reassured him as I could, I hugged him. And when it finally we made it, it was all dressed and he clearly did not get any pleasure from it.
It was the reddest of all red flags but I wanted my dream. He wrote me so many passionate texts before, he insisted so much.
What I did not know at the time was that my torture had begun. I should have run that same night. I know. I did not as it went against anything I was and I am. I justified it in many ways. I wanted to help him in as many ways I could.I would have accepted everything, any sexual problem, any psychological one, everything. But he never explained himself.
But his actions did not match his words. And it was just the start.
What I thought would have been a dream turned out to be the worst sex , the most vilifying and crushing of my whole life.
He did not kiss me. The devaluation had already started? Who knows. But it was cruel.
I did not know he preferred whores, and not beautiful ones.
I justified it all. Lesson learned. Next time, when I see not a red but a pink flag, I run.

Does it hurt? Not so much. It just adds to the picture of this pathetic little man, a liar from day one. Liar even with himself.Now that the fog lifts I see him for what he is, and you know, it is an ugly picture. He is ugly. I mean, really. Short, fat and bad mannered.
Love is really blind.

[UnforgivenII]

and even if I will make love just one more time before I die, I want it to be with someone who cares for me and who can also be ankward and goofy... .but real.

I want something real.

The man I had sex with after him, just once ( I did it just to prove to myself I was still able to. I felt totally impaired) was so different. He was gentle, caring, attentive. There was no love between us but there was frankness and respect. And it showed.

[jambley]

It is hard. Do something to forget - I painted my bathroom & bedroom, it helped me forget a few things.

[cubicinch]

my girlfriend idealised me, seduced me, but when it came down to it, she was sexual, but just using it as a tool it seemed on reflection. There was no emotion or affection in it, more like porn sex. She didn't have a clue, or just couldn't unlock those kind of emotions. She could orgasm but that was all about her, not me. She seemed to think pleasing a man was to give him porn style sex. 

[cubicinch]

It is hard. Do something to forget - I painted my bathroom & bedroom, it helped me forget a few things.

changing your surroundings a bit too, kind of fresh start... out with the old... .

[vortex of confusion]

It is amazing how different you can see things after the fog lifts.

I was telling my oldest child about the courtship between her dad and I twenty years ago. As I was telling her about how he would come to my work and hang out and all of the other stuff that seemed pretty innocent to me at the time, she said, "Mom, if he wasn't my dad, I would tell you that he was a creepy stalker dude and that you should have run." YIKES!

Why didn't I see that 20 years ago?

[Circle]

It is hard. Do something to forget - I painted my bathroom & bedroom, it helped me forget a few things.

I love this reply! ^ Good advice really. Put a smile on my face.

As for the original post; glad you are past the nightmare, and looking back. There are so many times when normal, excited sexual advances from men are treated as being polluted. Then, you hear about something like this guy, who you had all built up in your mind, and it puts things in perspective. The sex being frank, isn't all that bad.

[jambley]

 

[UnforgivenII]

my girlfriend idealised me, seduced me, but when it came down to it, she was sexual, but just using it as a tool it seemed on reflection. There was no emotion or affection in it, more like porn sex. She didn't have a clue, or just couldn't unlock those kind of emotions. She could orgasm but that was all about her, not me. She seemed to think pleasing a man was to give him porn style sex. 

Exactly. Porn sex. Detached and cold.
But sex is about... .Intimacy. Vulnerability. Bad words for a BPD.
I understand now his tastes were feral . Very far from me.
It has been wonderful, during the school trip, to walk around without the anxiety to meet him and his dear Friends. (He has not true friends. Just female orbiters.) I felt so free and relieved.
I am looking forward to move home and job. I am going to do It soon.
I am really looking forward to it.

[UnforgivenII]

It is amazing how different you can see things after the fog lifts.

I was telling my oldest child about the courtship between her dad and I twenty years ago. As I was telling her about how he would come to my work and hang out and all of the other stuff that seemed pretty innocent to me at the time, she said, "Mom, if he wasn't my dad, I would tell you that he was a creepy stalker dude and that you should have run." YIKES!

Why didn't I see that 20 years ago?

We must listen our children. They are smart.

[cubicinch]

Since you first joined us, it sounds like you have taken great steps of recovery. Keep going! Regarding the sex, you can tell as the song says: it's in the kiss... .  you can kiss the one you love, you can let your inhibitions go, melt and interact on a level with that person, but you can tell if they aren't reciprocating it. A kiss can reveal a lot.

[UnforgivenII]

I will remember this. The one who is unable to kiss, is unable to love 

[OptimusRhyme]

Just for a cautionary alternative point of view - sex was the one place my ex seemed almost able to accept intimacy and vulnerability, and her ability to mirror me was most convincing in the bedroom. There were certainly signs (she cried the first time we had sex, and told me that she cried while cheating on me because she missed me, etc), but her passion could seem meaningfully genuine (not just that moment, etc).

[AustenJ]

Keep living and loving, Unforgiven! You have come a long way! I'm proud of you!

 

[CorsaG19]

This is one of the biggest issue i have with my ex. I just cant get my head around it.

She was highly sexual.  She was honest that in the space of 18 months before me she had lost count of how many people she had slept with from meeting them on POF. Some she didnt even remember their name.  I later learnt she would meet some at the beach and have sex in her car! She said it was her way of trying to feel something.

When we first met we used to text and things would get heated and she would tell me everything she wanted to do to me.   Throughout the relationship she would do this when she was away ie at her mums or on holiday.  But when it came to it the sex was basic. She rarely took off her clothes and it was like she wanted to get it over and done with as quick as she could which usually meant her doing it all to herself with me watching (it was weird... .it would make me feel so crap) She never touched me in the end. Nothing.

I called her out about this 2 weeks ago and it went downhill from their.  I explained i couldnt understand how she would text me being naughty and she had cheated (she said she hadnt as we were technically not together) with a number of girls yet sex between us was 'boring'.  I said she just lay there like a sack of spuds.

I really hit a nerve with this.  She kept referring to herself as a sack of spuds in every conversation. I believe this is what triggered her to start finding a replacement. She knows sex wasnt a big thing for me as why else would i still be with her? Why would i have put up with all the abuse and stress from her?

She told the new replacement that i had told her the sex was rubbish and she replied she didnt agree with that (They slept together last time we split) I think that is what has hurt more than anything.  If she gave her all with her then why never with me?

[UnforgivenII]

Mind games. Control. Power. Manipulation. It is never about sex. Sex is a tool. And they feel nothing. Not with you neither with anyone else. They can just masturbate or watch porn. Sex is about intimacy. They hate intimacy.