Newly Diagnosed 22 year old daughter

[Samson1234]

I am a new member. The story is too long. So I'll just explain the present. I am living on eggshells. It seems as if my daughter has been stolen from me. She has always had issues. But I was always her "savior". Now she met a new friend, who is also my friend because she is my age. But nothing will do unless she sees her all the time. My daughter was extremely close with my Mom, who lived with us, and was the best listener ever. She passed away last March. Now this woman has taken her place. I am dealing with this all day every day because this woman, our friend, has a family and a husband and doesn't have all the time that my daughter requires.  There is so much more to the story but I don't want to ramble. I go through hours a day of texting about how much pain she is in.  How empty and alone she feels, she is sick to her stomach, can't you call her for me, can't you text her. Can't you tell her how much I need to see her. But then the woman ignores the calls and texts. So it is very frustrating. Right now I am numb about this whole situation, trying to be the rock as it eats me up inside. I really need an ear that understands so I came upon this board. I bought a book, I am learning, and found a support group near me.  But once a month just doesn't cut it. Any words of advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Samson1234,  



I'd like to welcome you to the group. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I'm also sorry to hear about your mom. I don't have a child with BPD, I do have an ex wife that displays BPD traits, I can relate with the guilty feelings a pwBPD illicit, it's a part of the disorder, a pwBPD have dependency issues, it sounds like your friend has set some boundaries.

It's sad to hear that your D lost someone that was a source of support for her, I'm sure that you're just as supportive, your thread title says recently diagnosed.

How empty and alone she feels, she is sick to her stomach,

Your thread title "Newly Diagnosed 22 year old daughter"  quote above made me think of the books that I have read and that there is group therapy for pwBPD, it makes it easier for people with the disorder to share what they feel knowing that the person next to them is going through the same thing, she can share with others that are going through therapy. I know that this is all knew, she's recently diagnosed, how did that go? How does she feel about therapy?

[livednlearned]

Now she met a new friend, who is also my friend because she is my age. But nothing will do unless she sees her all the time.

Hi Samon1234,

Welcome and hello

Your daughter reminds me of my SO's D19, who has a similar kind of neediness/clinginess. It can be very exhausting to be in a "savior" position, and ultimately does not stem the tide of need and desperation and emptiness that our BPD loved ones feel.

When your D asks you to text and call this woman, how do you respond? Is there a specific reason why she wants you to be the person calling and texting?

Any thoughts on how the friend feels about your D's neediness?

Your D is probably experiencing extreme separation stress, which triggers tremendous anxiety. There are ways to help her help herself, so that she learns to manage her anxiety and develop a sense that she is competent at soothing herself, although usually there is a period of stress as we change our roles up a bit.

Sometimes, changing their behavior comes down to how well we tolerate our own distress as we change our behavior.

[Samson1234]

Thank you for your responses. I am new to this and learning so many things. The diagnosis was something I wasn't expecting but once I started to read about it it made so much sense. She does want to get better so she is open to therapy in a way, but it will take a push to get her there. We go every other week to a wonderful specialist on OCD and Anxiety which is where we found out about the BPD. Now we are looking in the dialectical therapy.

For the other questions, yes, my BPDD has always had separation anxiety since she was very young. This is quite a switch for me to be in the opposite role. But my D still texts me all day and tells me of her pain and anguish which eats me up inside. Her friend understands very much all of what we are going through. The problem is that when they first met my D was at her house all the time and that was fine. But now Ds problems have worsened, she is barely allowed over or to call. When my D does call or text they go ignored. I have told this friend if you are busy to just let her know on several occasions but nothing has changed. it makes things harder on D without an answer.

This is just something I have never experienced before and we are waiting for our appointment. It's just so hard to cope in the meantime. It happens at least daily where her anxiety is so high, sometimes more than once and it takes a lot out of us.

[wendydarling]

Hello Samson1234

I want to join Mutt and livenlearned in welcoming you to the parents board.

I'm sorry your DD is in so much pain, it's awful to see our children suffer so, it was the excruciating pain that made my 28DD seek help and also motivates her to work hard on managing her disorder  through DBT and meds. Your DD sounds in a similar situation that my DD was in and through feeling the pain will hopefully receive help with open arms, it's important they take on the responsibility for getting well, I validated my DD's choice and I'm walking with her as works through, it's small steps. Hopefully DBT will provide your DD what she has been looking for in your/her friend - help. My 28DD has near completed a year of DBT and is in a much better place than she was, I want to share with you there is hope, it can get better, its small steps and we take each day as it comes. I hope that helps, hang in with us.

You are in a very stressful situation do you have any family or friends you can talk to? We are here for you too. What book are you reading?

WDx

[livednlearned]

But my D still texts me all day and tells me of her pain and anguish which eats me up inside.

How does your D respond to validation?

Validation works with my SO's D19, who is needy (and anxious) to the extreme. I made the decision to set boundaries for myself.

When she is staying with us (she lives with us for the summer), I am very structured in how much time I spend with her.

I have to be very intentional in telling her how I will spend time with her. For example, if I wake up on the weekend and her dad is working or traveling, I tell her that I have things I'm doing in the morning and afternoon, and can go for a walk with her at x o'clock. I find it helps to tell her, "I'm going out in 20 minutes, I'll be gone until 3pm, then I will be home and plan to get some exercise in before dinner." If we are in the same room and I have to go to another room, I will do the same thing, saying casually, "I'm going to have a shower in 10 minutes and won't be available for 45 minutes or so. We can talk when I'm back in the kitchen."

Otherwise after 30 minutes she will claim some crisis has come up that needs my immediate attention. Like the dog needs to get into the bedroom to sleep on my bed 

I have had to set a strong boundary with her coming into what are now considered private spaces, like bedroom, bathroom, and home office.

I will periodically respond to texts, and never answer phone calls. Occasionally, I will respond to emails.

It could be that your friend has had to set strong boundaries because they were so eroded during the onset of their friendship. Your friend may either be unwilling or unskilled in creating structure around their interactions, and is choosing to have very rigid boundaries instead.

In Search of the Real Self by James Masterson helped me understand why it's so important to have boundaries with BPD sufferers.

With D19, she has so much separation stress, and feels depression about being unable to separate from loved ones. Not wanting to experience the depth of that depression, her anxiety kicks up, and this drives her to cling and be needy.

She needs help handling the necessity that separation is a given -- it will happen -- and feel some success getting through the abandonment depression that separation triggers.

I see my role as one of maintaining a firm, and gentle boundary (separation) while acknowledging her anxiety and depression (validation) and make sure there is structure so she doesn't completely dysregulate (fear of total abandonment.

It's a balancing act, for sure.

If I give in to her neediness, it only exhausts and frustrates me, and then I'm no help to her at all.