Long Term Effects

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Hi, everyone.   I am new to this forum and this is my second post.

I met my BPD guy when we were in our mid/late teens.  We had an intense on-again/off-again relationship until I was finally able to break it off some years later by leaving for college in another state.  He was diagnosed BPD while we were together.  In my forties now, I'm looking back at the ripples, ways that relationship affected me that are visible today.

Reticence on social media
While he never harmed me physically that I remember, the relationship had a rapey, abusive quality.  There was stalking and there were many attempts to exert control.  While I have zero reason to believe he is stalking me now, I am still reticent on social media.   I don't post pictures of myself online and avoid situations where I might be photographed and tagged by others.  This is a challenge.  But I believe he doesn't have a right to see pictures of me.  And keeping key aspects of my personal life private helps me feel safe even though I know it's impossible to scrub web of all references.  I do maintain an online presence for my business, though not as fully as I might if I didn't fear stalking.

Ambivalence about home state
I had to physically move out of state to break the bond with my BPD guy.  Would I ever move back to be closer to my extended family?  Unfortunately, I can't truly assess that question without considering the consequences of being in proximity to BPD-ex.  My feelings about him, fear of him/curiosity about him and our relationship, and my feelings about the state and any possible future there, feel hopelessly intermixed.  It annoys me that this is the case.   

Happily married to great guy
The one good thing about that early BPD relationship experience is that it forever cured me of interest in bad boys. Period.  It is kindness and nurturance that draws me these days in friendships with men and women.  I feel lucky to have gotten the bad-boy thing out of my system at an early age.  If I hadn't I may not have recognized my husband for who he is.  We've had many happy years together and I hope for many more.

Anyway, thank you for reading.  I'm not in therapy or anything but it feels helpful right now to be able share some of this stuff with people who can relate, and to hear what you have to say. 

[Insom]

Hi, everyone.   I am new to this forum and this is my second post.

I met my BPD guy when we were in our mid/late teens.  We had an intense on-again/off-again relationship until I was finally able to break it off some years later by leaving for college in another state.  He was diagnosed BPD while we were together.  In my forties now, I'm looking back at the ripples, ways that relationship affected me that are visible today.

Reticence on social media
While he never harmed me physically that I remember, the relationship had a rapey, abusive quality.  There was stalking and there were many attempts to exert control.  While I have zero reason to believe he is stalking me now, I am still reticent on social media.   I don't post pictures of myself online and avoid situations where I might be photographed and tagged by others.  This is a challenge.  But I believe he doesn't have a right to see pictures of me.  And keeping key aspects of my personal life private helps me feel safe even though I know it's impossible to scrub web of all references.  I do maintain an online presence for my business, though not as fully as I might if I didn't fear stalking.

Ambivalence about home state
I had to physically move out of state to break the bond with my BPD guy.  Would I ever move back to be closer to my extended family?  Unfortunately, I can't truly assess that question without considering the consequences of being in proximity to BPD-ex.  My feelings about him, fear of him/curiosity about him and our relationship, and my feelings about the state and any possible future there, feel hopelessly intermixed.  It annoys me that this is the case.   

Happily married to great guy
The one good thing about that early BPD relationship experience is that it forever cured me of interest in bad boys. Period.  It is kindness and nurturance that draws me these days in friendships with men and women.  I feel lucky to have gotten the bad-boy thing out of my system at an early age.  If I hadn't I may not have recognized my husband for who he is.  We've had many happy years together and I hope for many more.

Anyway, thank you for reading.  I'm not in therapy or anything but it feels helpful right now to be able share some of this stuff with people who can relate, and to hear what you have to say. 

[g2outfitter]

Happily married to great guy
The one good thing about that early BPD relationship experience is that it forever cured me of interest in bad boys. Period.  It is kindness and nurturance that draws me these days in friendships with men and women.  I feel lucky to have gotten the bad-boy thing out of my system at an early age.  If I hadn't I may not have recognized my husband for who he is.  We've had many happy years together and I hope for many more.

Anyway, thank you for reading.  I'm not in therapy or anything.  It feels helpful right now to be able share some of this stuff with people who can relate, and to hear what others have to say. 

Awesome! I think I can speak for the rest of us good guys (who have been discarded as trash by our exBPD)... .we appreciate the fact that kindness and nurturance are still valued traits .

Glad you came out with something positive.

[Insom]

Aw, thank you for underlining the positive, g2outfitter (made me smile).

FWIW, as I look around at my group of friends, it's the good guys, the kind and responsible ones, who overall appear to be doing really great - in loving relationships, spending time with friends, families, doing well at work, and so on.  I'm not sure if this is an age thing. Or if, as I've learned more about how to be in the world, I've managed to fall in with kinder people. 

Speaking of age, one of the things I've read about BPD is that the symptoms can fade as the BPD person enters middle age.  Can anyone confirm this?  I'm annoyed at how this residual fear of my BPD-ex still kind of haunts me . . .

[vortex of confusion]

Speaking of age, one of the things I've read about BPD is that the symptoms can fade as the BPD person enters middle age.  Can anyone confirm this?  I'm annoyed at how this residual fear of my BPD-ex still kind of haunts me . . .

I don't know if age is that big of a factor. From my own experiences, age isn't as big of a factor as stressors in the environment. I know a couple of people that seemed to be okay and seemed to be functioning well enough. Then after a series of stressors in middle age, they went down hill rather fast.

[g2outfitter]

I don't know if age is that big of a factor. From my own experiences, age isn't as big of a factor as stressors in the environment. I know a couple of people that seemed to be okay and seemed to be functioning well enough. Then after a series of stressors in middle age, they went down hill rather fast.

This is true of my exBPD.  She is 40 and I knew her for 3 years so I don't know what she was like in her younger days.  I do know she was married 4 times before she turned 35 but how she acted during that time, I don't know.  However, when I was with her the stress of everyday life just seemed to overwhelm her at times and then it was eggshells time.  Both times she broke up with me was just because life presented her with a few more challenges than normal.  It seemed to be the key to her impulsive behavior.

[vortex of confusion]

I do know she was married 4 times before she turned 35 but how she acted during that time, I don't know. 

Married 4 times before 35 is a bit excessive in my opinion. One of the hallmarks of BPD is unstable relationships.

[g2outfitter]

Married 4 times before 35 is a bit excessive in my opinion. One of the hallmarks of BPD is unstable relationships.

Yes, she definitely had BPD traits... .I just don't know if those traits were more prevalent prior to me meeting her and if they waned as she got older.  My exBPD was very high functioning and showed no signs of self-harm or suicide thoughts.  She rarely showed rages of anger either.  Mostly, fear of abandonment, promiscuity, short term relationships, impulsive actions, mood swings and oh the lies!

[Insom]

Thanks for the feedback, vortex and g2outfitter.  What I'm gathering is that BPD traits may or may not get better over time and might possibly get worse.  And that even high functioning BPDs can deliver pain.  (Which I'm sorry to hear.) 

Anyway, this entire forum, reading your stories, has given me food for thought.  Long buried memories are coming up.  Allow me to assure those of you in the early phases of detaching from a relationship with a BPD person, that time does heal.  Obviously, I'm not completely detached, or I wouldn't be writing.  But time heals much.

PTSD?  Gone.

Anger?  Gone.
I look back at what I wrote the other day "I believe he doesn't have a right to see pictures of me," and it rings false.  It's how I used to feel when I was bubbling over with righteous anger.  No more.

Cravings for BPD ex?  Gone (I think).  Clearly he marked me.  And I do still think about our time together.  But in no way shape or form do I crave him as a romantic partner.  Unresolved issues?  Probably.  But he does not hold the key.