Why can't I let go

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am having a very hard time. I have been recycled over and over by my exBPD. Each time it is harder for and takes more out of me. Then she is gone again with another replacement she found off of a dating site. They never last and she keeps my hanging on for that very reason I'm sure. This time it is different though, this time I think the replacement is just as needy as my ex. When I see my ex she can't put her phone down for 5 minutes. It is constant texts back and forth. Like the replacement wants to make sure she has total control over her so she can't possibly be able to do anything else. I ask her why make plans with me just to be on the phone texting constantly. It makes her so angry and she says that she will be on her phone anytime she wants. I am like that is fine, but we can't possibly do anything because you can't even give us 30 minutes. She doesn't think there is anything wrong with it. And I am somehow the bad guy by asking her to stop for a moment. I would never do that to her or anyone else.

My ex has been without a job for almost 4 months now. She has depleted me and her immediate family. Instead of looking for a job she has been chasing the new flame around since the first of the year. She finally landed a job that she was going to start on this week. Fast forward to Sunday. We had plans to go the horse races together. Plans she made by the way. Well about an hour before we were supposed to go she texted and said that the replacement showed up to her house uninvited so she had to cancel our plans and she felt so sick. Well the day went by and she didn't respond to me again. She has now left with the replacement who lives about 2 hours away. I don't think she even showed up to her new job at all.

What I don't understand is how after everything I have done she can just go off and ignore me like this. After all the hell she has put me through I still answered my phone responded to her texts. I helped her numerous times over the 4 years because she can't hold a job. I have put myself and my needs last somehow trying to make her happy. And all I get in return is totally ignored and shut out. I am left all alone with nothing and bleed dry from trying to help her. It is just sickening to me that someone can be that cold and heartless. And why is she even a catch? What is wrong with the replacement? Why would they want to take someone on that has a negative bank account, cancelled car insurance, and behind on car payment and every other bill? Do they really think they are saving her from me the cruel monster why has given her everything I possible had to give?

None if it makes any sense to me. I know I am better without her in my life. I know she only brings me down. But for some stupid reason I miss her. I thought I actually meant something to her. I don't know how to shake this.

[glaciercats]

I am having a very hard time. I have been recycled over and over by my exBPD. Each time it is harder for and takes more out of me. Then she is gone again with another replacement she found off of a dating site. They never last and she keeps my hanging on for that very reason I'm sure. This time it is different though, this time I think the replacement is just as needy as my ex. When I see my ex she can't put her phone down for 5 minutes. It is constant texts back and forth. Like the replacement wants to make sure she has total control over her so she can't possibly be able to do anything else. I ask her why make plans with me just to be on the phone texting constantly. It makes her so angry and she says that she will be on her phone anytime she wants. I am like that is fine, but we can't possibly do anything because you can't even give us 30 minutes. She doesn't think there is anything wrong with it. And I am somehow the bad guy by asking her to stop for a moment. I would never do that to her or anyone else.

My ex has been without a job for almost 4 months now. She has depleted me and her immediate family. Instead of looking for a job she has been chasing the new flame around since the first of the year. She finally landed a job that she was going to start on this week. Fast forward to Sunday. We had plans to go the horse races together. Plans she made by the way. Well about an hour before we were supposed to go she texted and said that the replacement showed up to her house uninvited so she had to cancel our plans and she felt so sick. Well the day went by and she didn't respond to me again. She has now left with the replacement who lives about 2 hours away. I don't think she even showed up to her new job at all.

What I don't understand is how after everything I have done she can just go off and ignore me like this. After all the hell she has put me through I still answered my phone responded to her texts. I helped her numerous times over the 4 years because she can't hold a job. I have put myself and my needs last somehow trying to make her happy. And all I get in return is totally ignored and shut out. I am left all alone with nothing and bleed dry from trying to help her. It is just sickening to me that someone can be that cold and heartless. And why is she even a catch? What is wrong with the replacement? Why would they want to take someone on that has a negative bank account, cancelled car insurance, and behind on car payment and every other bill? Do they really think they are saving her from me the cruel monster why has given her everything I possible had to give?

None if it makes any sense to me. I know I am better without her in my life. I know she only brings me down. But for some stupid reason I miss her. I thought I actually meant something to her. I don't know how to shake this.

[once removed]

I thought I actually meant something to her.

a lot of us fell into the hole of chasing that validation, that meaning, from someone else, who showed us they were incapable or unwilling to give it. do you mean something to yourself?

I don't know how to shake this.

in the long term, by taking personal responsibility, for actions past, present, and future. that involves having boundaries.

if you "get recycled" it suggests you have no power or control over the situation/circumstances. do you?

[redriver]

I read you post, and I think there are many similarities in your story as in mine. The reality is we are rational people trying to find a rational answer from a person or situation that are not rational AT ALL. I desperately clung onto any hope that she would wake up and see the light. See that I would have done anything for her, and did many things to help over the few years we were together. What I find odd in your case as in mine, is your EX has no issues in telling you abut he replacement, it’s like a sick game they like to play. My EX and were still having sex after we broke up, one evening we were in bed, and while lying there naked she took out her phone and showed me this new guy she went on a date with the night before, and told me how wonderful he was. There were other times before that she was messaging lots with another guy, and while I was lying beside her, she would say “of I just need to say goodnight to so and so” not a second thought to this at all.
The most painful parts the things that make me so mad is that she told me after she made it official with the new guy, “he is so much like you, you would really like him”.  We would have planned to go out or see a movie; she would cancel last minute with some lie.
The way I have to think is I’m not OK being someone’s understudy, I’m not a consolation, I and you need to put ourselves first and find people that want us first. They have an ability to suck you into a lie, make you question you facts, and manipulate us like its second nature.

[glaciercats]

Your right Redriver. It is a sick twisted game and they are always in control. Same thing happened to me. We could be laying there after sex and she would just start texting the replacement like no big deal. But the funny thing is when she is with the replacement she totally ignores me. It must be because it is still new and fresh and she isn't sure what all she can get away with yet. The lack of respect and remorse they show is totally mind blowing. I would have never disrespected her in that way. And I can't tell you how many times she has made plans with me only to cancel at the last minute. I don't know why I am even hung up on this. Because when I'm with her all she does is hurt me. I have decided to take her number out of my phone so I won't feel the urge to text her and be ignored until of course she needs something from me. Maybe that will help me put some distance in.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

@glaciercats,

Most of us have gone through having difficulties at letting the people we love go. What really helped me was that if I did not get away from her she would get me in a lot of trouble with police, courts and who knows what else through her lies and manipulation. I knew that if she decided to accuse me of rape or abuse I would be in a lot of kaka. I’ve heard so many stories of people getting charged or whatever else has happened to them and it is ugly. These people are very vindictive and will do anything to make you suffer.

Stay away my friend, I know it is now easy but it is better way to go.

[redriver]

@glaciercats,

She would even show me the pics that she was sending to some of these guys nudes and all.
Mine will contact me once in a while. I can tell it's when she is feeling low and needs to make sure I am still there for her in what ever way she needs. But she never misses telling me how happy she is, and how great life is now. I've gone to not communicating with her, unless she contacts me, but I always stop responding as soon as "he" comes up. Or I change the topic, she has called me on that, and I just say "yup", I'm not telling her about the women I'm with.
 I think we can not "get over" how we are treated because as you said I would never treat a person like that, ever.
Mine was never violent, had a few outburst's but never like what you read. She was the hold it in kind, used the emotion to blackmail.

[glaciercats]

@redriver

Kind of went thru the same thing with the pics. She wouldn't exactly tell me she was sending them to anyone. But she would show me a few and ask which I liked better. Or anytime we were out somewhere she would always take a selfie. I know it wasn't for me it was for me to screen them before the others got them.

I do think she will contact me again. I'm not sure when because it's never been this long before. But I know from what I've already seen that this new thing she is in will not be paradise after a few days. And as with your experience I know she wants to know I am still there for her. But right now I think she is so wrapped up in this new life I am the last thing on her mind.

She has told me before that she is a hard girl to keep. I mean who says that? And she wants to constantly be told she is beautiful and wants to be complimented. I just know me as a person wants words that are sincere and from the heart. Not just words thrown around because I demand it.

This new thing she is in seems so fake. But I guess that's what she wants. I think from the beginning I have always been to real for her. And in the end I think that is what destroyed us.

[cbm419]

I can totally relate. What I'd see this as is a chance to get away from her grasp once and for all. Looks like this replacement could turn out to be her future recycle target. That's a GOOD thing. Gosh. I wish my BPD ex would let me go already. He refuses to date or even have casual sex (something he did many times when cheating while we dated, with apparent ease).

I find that borderlines seem to be very all or nothing. They want someone who is totally demanding and controlling and all up in their business, or they want someone who they can blow off and manipulate with distance tactics. Seemed to be a pattern with my ex.

Keep in mind by being there for her all those years and helping her through endless ruts and drama, you were exerting a soft form of indirect control. I did this with my ex. It's taken a while for me realize I was in fact nurturing his disorder, not him as a person. Because nurturing a person usually means results, growth. None of that ever happened.

Try to use this new distance to take back the space in your head she's had free rent to live in so long. People like us tend to target partners who will occupy space in our mind we've left empty or spaces we don't like to look at very much. We usually have codependent tendencies.

Try connecting with your hobbies or old friends (I know I lost touch with many because I was devoting so much energy and attention to my ex). Or try going on a few dates just to see what getting to know a new, normal potential partner could look like. You're not going ring shopping, just dipping your toes. You'd be amazed how liberating a coffee or drink with another single person can be in aiding you to let go. Keep in mind, you ARE SINGLE!

It's really rough with these people. Consider a no contact period. Doesn't have to be indefinite. I found when I did this for a few months and came back to the table, it was easier to see the forest for the trees and not get sucked back in.

I do offer some support to my ex, from afar, but won't see him in person or really have any long phone conversation, if any at all. Once these people see they can't use you for a source of fuel, they won't keep coming. And this replacement sounds primed to become her new gas station. Roll with it. This is a good thing.

My therapist reminds me, all the time. If you don't have a marriage, a child with a borderline or they aren't your blood - run. Just run. These people only recover with years of hard work and even then they struggle and relapse into old ways. And so long as she has caretakers like you or this new guy, she's not recovering.

It takes time for your heart to listen to your head, but the distance is a start.

This site is great. But also can lead to rumination. Take back this issue and make it squarely about YOU. You won't be able to reason your way out of this relationship by studying BPD. It's helpful at first, but it's just a start. Going too far with that is keeping the issue about her health problem, and it's never going to lead you through your own problems. Read about codependency, consider attending a codependency anonymous group. It's the best free group therapy in the world. Codependency is your problem, not BPD, so getting in person support and knowledge on that is what will set you free.

Good luck friend!

[Duped 1]

My therapist reminds me, all the time. If you don't have a marriage, a child with a borderline or they aren't your blood - run. Just run. These people only recover with years of hard work and even then they struggle and relapse into old ways. And so long as she has caretakers like you or this new guy, she's not recovering.

This is really helpful!

[glaciercats]

@cbm419

Thank you so much for the amazing post. You have totally hit on everything that has happened and everything that I am feeling. I have decided to take this time of no contact to work on myself and my codependency issues. And your correct I am single and its time for me to get my feet wet.

It seems like in my relationship with her I started out with the desert first and now I am looking for scraps in the dumpster.  It should grow better over time, not have the good at the beginning and then nothing left at the end.  Without trust, mutual respect, and loyalty how can you ever have anything real anyway?

Good luck to you as well!

[redriver]

I’m not sure if this thread is the right place for this story, but we all seem to have some finer points in common with each other with respects to our EX’s.  So here is a story. When I first read about BPD it was like a punch in the face, the traits fit 6 that I saw more than once, more of a common pattern with her. I did lots of reading I read more about this than I ever had about anything else, just needed to put a handle on what the hell just happened. I had a POF account, truly I don’t really know why, but I set one up. This girl started to message me one day, very friendly not looking for any kind of commitment, she told me she was just looking to meet people hang out sext, and not much more. Within a few messages she starts sending all kind of pictures, this goes on for a few days, and then I did not hear from her. After a week I send a text just “hi how are you”. She responds back with “not good, I’m feeling depressed” I told her I understood depression and she could talk to me about it. Her response “well I have a Borderline personality; most people don’t know what that is”. I told I thought my EX had it. So we really started talking about it. Long story short we met for coffee I told her my whole story, and she told me hers. There were times she would stop me and tell me what happened next as if she was there. It was like I was having a conversation with my EX. We have talked many times since, and leaning about BPD form her side of the coin, and her seeing what life is like from my side of it. It’s an odd friendship, but truly insightful.  After talking to her and hearing how she treated her EX (almost the same as mine to me) I could see lots of regrets, and sadness knowing what she did and how. I do think on some level they do feel the pain and the sorrow or what they have done, but none that I have ever read about or that I now know can go to that person and say sorry in any way that is real.

[glaciercats]

That really makes a lot of sense redriver. Thank you for sharing your story. I think my ex does know she hurts me and does somewhat feel the pain. But her need for her own self and her need for instant gratification outweighs anything else. She has never in 4 years given me a true, meaningful apology. And without her working on herself she will never see this. It's never her fault though. It is her parents, her sibling, her roommates, mine. But she never owns any fault.

[cbm419]

@cbm419

Thank you so much for the amazing post. You have totally hit on everything that has happened and everything that I am feeling. I have decided to take this time of no contact to work on myself and my codependency issues. And your correct I am single and its time for me to get my feet wet.

It seems like in my relationship with her I started out with the desert first and now I am looking for scraps in the dumpster.  It should grow better over time, not have the good at the beginning and then nothing left at the end.  Without trust, mutual respect, and loyalty how can you ever have anything real anyway?

Good luck to you as well!

I definitely started at the ritz and ended at the super 8 as well. And as you and many others have described every recycle (mine was more classic on/off) saw things worse than ever. And not just with my exes behavior- mine was just as bad. I did and said things I never would have. My anger began to match his rage. I found myself using micro silent treatment attacks to manage the inner whirlwind and just get enough quiet to cope. And I began to fear losing him so much more. His fire was so persistent and insidious I felt my only option was to give him a taste of his own medicine.

How insane is that? I was adopting his own BPD traits. And yep. Left the situation penniless, jobless, alcoholic and with many friends so sick of begging I leave they left me instead.

I will say, don't beat yourself up for being so kind and helpful to this BPD person. At the time these were all the right thing to do. You didn't realize you were keeping a sick person sick. A lot of folks hear express immense guilt for being so supportive. I say the only wrong choice was sticking w it when we realized what we were dealing with and not cutting out RIGHT THEN. But that doesn't invalidate the kindness those prior decisions reflects on us positively.

Guilt about doing the right thing (before we knew it was wrong) is reverse FOG (its not their fog anymore- remember- they are long gone, probably before you even knew it. You now do it to yourself, so you can undo it too) that  keeps the door open for recycling. If we attach expectations and value to those past efforts, were liable to still see a glimmer of hope. Or, that we cannot abandon an asset we invested so much in.

That's dangerous thinking. I know it happened to me- I thought "with all this effort, im halfway back to the ritz, I just don't see it yet " wrong. Just wrong.

We have to accept ourselves first and commit to a better future.

Cheers!

[OptimusRhyme]

Just wanna say, cbm, you're a rad poster. Thanks for sharing your perspective and experiences; they're articulate and helpful.

[cbm419]

Just wanna say, cbm, you're a rad poster. Thanks for sharing your perspective and experiences; they're articulate and helpful.

That's why I come back. I've got distance and perspective now. But I leaned on the site so much, to arm me, to show the path to gain such a blessing. If I don't come back and share my experience and hope with newcomers and others, I'm doing a disservice to the very energy that set me free.

Were all gonna get there. And when we come back, we see in others the potential, the yearning, the light at the end of the tunnel that brought us here  in the first place.

That's why I love this forum. Thank you for your kind words. I wish you the best.

[glaciercats]

Thank you cbm,

I know there is no reasoning behind it all. But it just hurts so bad to do so much for someone and be told so many promises. Then they just vanish into thin air. What's funny is there were so many times I wanted to leave it all behind but I was still there for her. If I would have left then I wouldn't be hurting so much now. The pain is so bad.

[cbm419]

Thank you cbm,

I know there is no reasoning behind it all. But it just hurts so bad to do so much for someone and be told so many promises. Then they just vanish into thin air. What's funny is there were so many times I wanted to leave it all behind but I was still there for her. If I would have left then I wouldn't be hurting so much now. The pain is so bad.

Well bud, if it makes you feel any better, try to realize non BPD people break promises, ghost on lovers, use people... .all the time.

When I'm feeling particularly victim-like when reflecting about my BPD ex I try to remind myself "I'm not so innocent either."  I had my ulterior motives. I could tell very early on I was controlling this person, even if they handed me the joystick and begged me to play. I knew. When they decided it was game over I had already forgotten it wasn't ever really my game to play. I was borrowing them. I saw this dynamic take shape so many times in the fighting, the push/pull and on/off at the end.  I can only imagine what was going on up in his head. These peoples suffering is real, they aren't making it up.

But yea. I'm not so super innocent. I felt I was buying/earning commitment, loyalty and obedience with all my financial/emotional investment, all the time and brain power i spent. And now that my invisible contracts have been breached - I WANT JUSTICE. but. It doesn't work like that. Even with completely normal, sane people. They screw others over too.

It just sucks that with BPD, they attach themselves to codependent types like us (or we target them- again - I'm not so innocent), so the intensity level is just cranked to 100. My therapist reminds me I just have to get used to living in the middle again. No more insane emotional highs and lows. They are addictive but unsustainable.

[glaciercats]

I know I'm far from innocent as well. I have done my share of horrible things in the relationship. When I first meet her I had been in an abusive relationship, a different kind of abuse but still abuse, my self esteem was shot. I wasn't even looking for anyone really. Then she came along and made me feel like I was such amazing person. Like I mattered and was worth so much. Made me feel alive again after being dark for so long. The red flags were there, but I thought with effort on both parts this could and would work.

I became a person that I wasn't. The words I said to her were horrible. Even thought I felt cornered there is still no excuse for what I said. I just didn't know how to handle it and it felt like in a way she wanted me to snap. I ended up leaving our place we had together because things were so volatile. But over the next 3 years I still was there. Still spending all my time with her or on her. Still picking up her pieces trying to put her back together even though she was seeing various different people seriously during this time.

Through all these other relationships she still talked to me still kept me there. But this time it is different. She has moved to another city about 2 hours away and has now gone completely silent. This has never happened before. I worry about her and her saftey all the time. Even though I know this is the time I should be spending working on myself.

I have looked up a CoDA group that meets near me and I am going to go check the meeting out next week. I also really like playing softball and I'm trying to get on a team. Small steps but I'm going to start doing thing I once enjoyed.

I will always love her and think of her. But I don't see how it could ever work unless both people are willing. I just don't have the energy inside my anymore. I know she is suffering and I don't wish that on anyone. It is sad to me that it will always be this way for her. That she will always give her reins to someone else to control.

Thank you for listening. I had so much inside that I needed to get out.

[lovenature]

You will only be able to let go when you decide to remain 100% NC and focus on YOU.