One month post-split, trying to stay positive

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been a month since my uBPD husband and I broke up after 7 years of marriage and major deterioration during the past 2 years. Overall, I've felt resolute, positive about the future, and strong. I'm seeing progress - our house is under contract, we've told my 6 year-old (we also have a 21 month-old). I have the support of my family and my friends, who have increasingly witnessed a lot of the major issues he (we) have had.

But I'm feeling exhausted from having to take the high road in the face of his negativity and vitriol. It breaks my heart that he has made me the enemy, and that he can speak to me so disrespectfully and so cruelly. Intellectually, I understand that it is his disorder, and that he is acting this way to avoid confronting the reality that HE is the one who failed our relationship, our children, himself.

Emotionally, though, I feel bludgeoned. It's hard to stay strong and positive. It's hard to concentrate on work and on being happy and engaged with my kids. I'm terrified that he's going to treat me like this forever.

I have my friends, I have a therapist - but it's hard to shake the feeling that they don't truly understand the extent of what I'm experiencing. It's so easy to slip into that skewed thinking I had grown accustomed to, where I believed the distorted reflection of myself that he mirrored. It's like I have to have this mantra where I tell myself that I am not a bad person, I'm not controlling, I'm not cruel to him, I'm not un-supportive. I am not that person that he constantly tells me I am.

Hopefully it'll get easier as the house is officially sold, the kids and I move into our new place, etc. But I know that I will probably have to interact with him every day because of the kids, and it makes me wish that he would just disappear.

[Adastra]

It's been a month since my uBPD husband and I broke up after 7 years of marriage and major deterioration during the past 2 years. Overall, I've felt resolute, positive about the future, and strong. I'm seeing progress - our house is under contract, we've told my 6 year-old (we also have a 21 month-old). I have the support of my family and my friends, who have increasingly witnessed a lot of the major issues he (we) have had.

But I'm feeling exhausted from having to take the high road in the face of his negativity and vitriol. It breaks my heart that he has made me the enemy, and that he can speak to me so disrespectfully and so cruelly. Intellectually, I understand that it is his disorder, and that he is acting this way to avoid confronting the reality that HE is the one who failed our relationship, our children, himself.

Emotionally, though, I feel bludgeoned. It's hard to stay strong and positive. It's hard to concentrate on work and on being happy and engaged with my kids. I'm terrified that he's going to treat me like this forever.

I have my friends, I have a therapist - but it's hard to shake the feeling that they don't truly understand the extent of what I'm experiencing. It's so easy to slip into that skewed thinking I had grown accustomed to, where I believed the distorted reflection of myself that he mirrored. It's like I have to have this mantra where I tell myself that I am not a bad person, I'm not controlling, I'm not cruel to him, I'm not un-supportive. I am not that person that he constantly tells me I am.

Hopefully it'll get easier as the house is officially sold, the kids and I move into our new place, etc. But I know that I will probably have to interact with him every day because of the kids, and it makes me wish that he would just disappear.

[vortex of confusion]

  Welcome to the forums!

It is very, very difficult to stay positive in your situation. It will get better with time.

I kicked ex out of the house well over a year ago after almost 20 years and 4 kids.

All of this stuff is super exhausting. I spent several years at the end trying to make sense out of what was going on and trying to figure out how to change myself and be different and, and, and. . .

When he was finally out, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders and I was finally able to breathe. Sure, the fall out was horrible but at least I could finally allow myself to feel all of the things that I had been trying to deny or push aside. Give yourself time. One month is nothing. It is quite likely that you will have periods where you will be even more exhausted. I know that I have days where I feel so unbelievably exhausted and tired and find myself wondering if I was all of the things that ex tried to paint me out to be.

Then, there are other days when life is absolutely amazing without him. He only sees the kids on the weekends so I don't really deal with him during the week. The kids and I are planning an epic road trip. I have accomplished so much since ex left. Give yourself time. Let yourself feel stuff and be gently with yourself. It gets better. 

[babyoctopus]

 
 "It's like I have to have this mantra where I tell myself that I am not a bad person, I'm not controlling, I'm not cruel to him, I'm not un-supportive. I am not that person that he constantly tells me I am."

I can so relate to this. I have been called manipulative, grouchy, mean, un-supportive. I began to hate the person I became when with him. I did end up acting mean sometimes, or defending myself, making excuses to him, over-explaining, other times a doormat. Everything but me.

Now, separated, I feel like I have to learn all over again who I am exactly. Sometimes I don't know. Between acting all cheery for the kids, stoic at work, and "OK" with friends, I really have no one to confide my fears, my sadness.

I know it will all be worth it when I am free, but it is taking all my willpower to get there.

[Adastra]

Thank you both for responding to me.

Vortex of Confusion: It's helpful to hear a perspective from someone who is one year out and feeling positive, and Babyoctopus: I can really empathize with you about feeling isolated and how much willpower it takes.

For me, I write music so that has really helped. When everything was leading up to our split I had reached a point where I asked myself - how many times am I going to write the same song about being stuck in this cycle.

Here's one that I now realize is about the warped mirror we're given by our BPD partner and what it does to how we see ourselves:

I kept my mirror bright and clean
the face it held was dazzling

Then some occlusion did occur
All that I’d been became a blur

I wish I could tell differently
But what you see is what you believe

Who am I to make a claim
of solid mass that cuts and stains

I should have found a truer friend
One who’d defend until the end

Instead I trusted shadowplay
to soften what I could not say

And now I can no longer see
and swords are leaping out of me

My love, we are a tarnished pair
Let’s cast the stone and break the spell

Here's one about the cycle:

Punishment

I can’t let down my guard with you
You give me no reason to

Yet still I ask again and again
for something that you cannot give

Why don’t I ever learn
that’s my punishment
look who you’ve made angry
that’s your punishment
We’ll both be sorry now
that’s our punishment

Who is the jailor and who is jailed
our love is chained and bound to fail
Repeating what we cannot quit
Like Sisyphus we deserve it

Do you think I like it
my punishment
How much can we take
of our punishment
it’s a bitter pill to swallow
this punishment
We’ll both be sorry now
that’s our punishment


UGH it's crazy reading the lyrics of my songs, and when I do this exercise it helps me see how right I was to make this decision (although technically he's the one who said he wanted out of the marriage).

I'm sure there will be plenty more sad songs - but now they'll be about missing my kids when they're with him two nights a week. At least it's a new heart-break, and not the same old lyrics.

[babyoctopus]

 
Adasta:

Your sing lyrics are poetic, beautiful, sad, and so real, esp:
'I can’t let down my guard with you
You give me no reason to

Yet still I ask again and again
for something that you cannot give'

I would literally kick myself for: confiding in, being vulnerable with, and exposing my heart to my husband. Think of it: This was the person I was supposed to more than anyone be able to do those things with! And here I was, kicking myself! 23 YEARS of kicking myself... .

Instead of songs, I used to draw diagrams of the cycle in my journals- trying desperately to understand it- trying in vain to figure out how I could break, or change my behavior to prevent it from starting. But the reality was, we are constantly somewhere in that endlessly replaying loop. Its happening NOW, even post-split. The only way to win is to get off the merry-go-round.

Even though I am heading to divorce, there are still days I wish he was the person I thought he was. I don't want to be single at my age. I don't want to be unmarried. But I also don't want to be in this cycle anymore. I want out. I will get out.

Good luck to you, my friend, Stay strong.