I'm doing it all wrong and not sure how to stop fighting with my husband

[so_overit]

I feel lost and overwhelmed. I've got 6 yo twins who I feel are in emotional danger.

My husband asked if he could quit and take 2 weeks off as we were moving to a new home. He wanted to help get the new house dialed in. That was early February. I'm the one holding the only job (work from home), I take care of everything financially, and then hear I'm resented and that he is jealous and angry with me. He had an interview yesterday, but says he would not care if they don't want him.

I feel like I have to protect my kids every day, to someone who doesn't see them as a blessing and lets them know this almost every day thru his actions and words. They are on the same rollercoaster that I am, one day he is nice and next he is not. He told me he doesn't want to be with them at all, so I do not know why he is here.

I asked him to leave on Monday, then he told me that we (girls and I) should be the ones leaving. I am paying the mortgage and all the bills so I have no idea how he would be the one staying. 

He does not have a job but stays in bed as long as he wants in the morning. I get no affection, no support (financially or emotionally), all our relationship is superficial. He fakes it pretty good in front of friends and family too.

I would rather be here by myself so that I could know exactly who I can count on (myself), and I could know what every day will look like. A counselor he was seeing told me to ask for a separation, and when I did, I was told he won't go... .

He is surrounded by triggers (kids) but won't leave, and I find myself getting in the ring every time trying to defend them. I've got an Irish temper and I know I need to learn to stay out of the boxing ring with him but I am not sure how to do this. I tell myself I will, but then I am so mad when I hear the things he says to my babies.

I don't want my girls to grow up in a 1 parent home but then I wonder what would be better. I feel like I'm fighting with someone who is not really HIM. When he is not in this dark place he is kind and sweet. I guess this is what they call Jekyll/Hyde.

There is no money left after bills now that he quit, so I cannot seek therapy for my problems. I don't have a network (we moved to new state) and my family doesn't even know he is BPD. I have nobody to talk to about this. HIS mother does know, but I feel like a betrayer talking to her about this. She is worried about her grandchildren, and me and lives in another country.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

  so_overit

That sounds like a very challenging situation that you find yourself in. Hopefully, here, you'll find some support. We have all been through similar circumstances, although each one is unique.

Are there any universities or colleges in your area that offer free counseling services or services on a sliding scale? If nothing else, there is free, On-line Cognitive Therapy Program that you can look into.

How are your communication skills when you are dealing with him and you can see that he's starting to dysregulate? I know that you said that you climb into the proverbial boxing ring with him when he is upset with the kids, perhaps, the lesson on Ending Conflict would be a good place for you to start doing something differently.

We are all here to support one another. I would suggest that you continue to read the posts, read the articles contained on this web site, and some of the recommended books. Educate yourself as best you can about BPD. The more you know, the easier any decision you make will be.

Keep writing. Tell us your story - it helps you to get it out and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering.

[Cheetah1]

Hugs momma.  I don't have any great sage advice, but i feel like I understand and have similar issues.  It's so hard. 

[livednlearned]

Hi so_overit,

I can understand your concerns. It's hard to protect your babies when there is a parent with mental illness, who is dysregulating and triggered over what to us feel like small things.

How are your twins doing? Do you see specific signs that concern you?

Glad you are posting and getting support. This place was so helpful in helping me understand what I was dealing with. There are skills and tools we can use to help prevent things from getting worse. I found these skills worked especially well with my son when he was younger, too.

LnL

[so_overit]

Thank you for the responses and links. I was a little MIA, as my husband and I decided to try at-home neurofeedback. He is on his 10th session (started April 8). The first 3-4 sessions were like a miracle, he was calm, able to handle the kids, not snapping at everything. It brought tears to my eyes to be around what I consider the "old him" before he showed me his BPD side.

We hit a bump in the road last weekend, where he reverted back, and it was pretty bad.
He is seeing things differently though, like a hope he hasn't had in a while.

My twins seems to have learned one thing, when things go wrong, you scream and explode. So I'm trying my best to just walk away and draw a boundary. I hadn't "gone there" with him since shortly after I posted here, but this last weekend I confronted again. I'm trying to be more conscious of this, it is just so hard as my momma-bear side comes out full force when my littles are taking the heat.

I try and talk openly about all of it with them. They are pretty in tune that dad has a problem. He was nice to be around at the beginning of neurofeedback so of course, I am hoping this will ultimately change things for us.