Traumatic Breakup (3 weeks ago)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So here is my story.


I had just broken up with a girlfriend of 4 1/2 years in early 2016, due to her cheating on me twice throughout the relationship and me waiting until a year later to break up with her because I couldn't look at her the same, no matter how hard I tried. 2 weeks after the break-up, I met this 18 year old girl (my now BPDex) when I was 23 about a year ago in February 2016. I was in a friend's suite-style dorm, where she had just moved in. I met her across the hall during a small party, where we hit it up pretty fast talking about our similar interests. That same night, the first time I met her, I invited her to my room. We didn't do anything but talk, until 6 in the morning about all of our passions and interests. It was honestly, and still is to this day, the best conversation I've ever had with anybody. We had intercourse the next day, and then dated for 2-3 weeks. However, little things would tick her off, and I remember her trying to break us off after the first week saying that she didn't want to hurt me, because she knew what she was capable of. Granted, I had my first Junior level physics test the next day, but put her before it, and failed (as did half the class, because the average was a 35 ), yet the relationship continued. Anyways, things were not all that great, she would get into arguments with me. During the beginning, I was very independent and would not put up with this crap. So I broke it off with her. After this, she went on a sex rampage with her guy friend after getting drunk and had sex with some very unattractive people. I told her I no longer wanted to even talk to her at this point since she was being so irrational.
 
The next few weeks were some weird times for sure. At one point, I had left my dorm (which was a single) unlocked and returned from a day of classes to find her lying naked in my bed. I remember saying I'd like to try to work on things, but then cut it off yet again after some time. Later that night after breaking up with her, she went to one of my fraternity's parties and hooked up with some guy, let's call him Tom, and repeatedly told him I was her ex, but then would come over to me and start hooking up. After the night, I drove her home and told her that it was unnecessary to try to make me jealous the way she was, but she denied this, even though I know that was her intent. We then cut it off for a couple months, and during this time she would see this guy Tom. I was hanging out with my friends during this time, and she seemed to be flaunting that she was with this guy.

Around May, at the end of the semester, she wanted to talk things out a bit, and we actually proceeded to then have sex. She said I was different and then wanted nothing to do with me, which I was fine with, because I was being a bit hostile over everything. However, upon returning home, we hit things up over text and Facetime, eventually even telling her that I loved her during that time. It was mutual. We agreed that we would start dating when I took a course over the second half of summer starting July 8, which also marked the beginning of the relationship. However, a week before arriving, we got into an argument and I went on to have sex with my previous ex (we were not in a relationship at this time). This caused many future problems.

After being with her on campus for a couple of weeks, I finally told her what had happened, and we were very close to breaking up. However, she took me back. This was the first leverage she had on me, which lasted all the way until the end of our relationship. However, the funny thing was is that she said she was "sexually assaulted" by someone, even though she had feelings for this person. Now, I would NEVER say that someone is not sexually assaulted if they say they are. The problem with this is that when we were on a break a few months later, she went out with this same guy, and kissed. She returned to me and told me who it was, which just really made me wonder about what she had said earlier.

Things went smoothly for a bit. We had quite a good honeymoon phase, with minimal arguments. However, when the semester started, things began to heat up. She would become incredibly jealous of my responsibilities in my professional fraternity, school, and other friends. All my time NEEDED to be devoted toward her. She would constantly attempt to break up with me, once of 2 or 3 weeks, which I would eventually convince her not to, since they were over very petty arguments. She would apologize after every one of these arguments, but would eventually bring them up again at a later point.

Fast forward to a surprise birthday party I and some of her friends had set up for her. I had brought her out to dinner, and had to make a few texts here or there to make sure her friends were set up upon our return. I told her it was my mom I needed to text about some problems back home. However, on the way back, she completely flipped on me and said she would not be coming over to my dorm, where the surprise was being held and also said she wanted to break up with me. I finally told her that we were planning a surprise party and she lost it. She eventually went to the party, but we still ended in an argument at the end of the night that I can't even remember.

Something similar happened on Valentine's day. I was searching for a promise ring for her (since Valentine's day was very close to our 6 month) and she actually flipped out again that I hadn't responded to a text for a bit. I told her I had to run some errands at the mall, and she said she wanted to break up. So, I ruined the surprise, yet again.

Fast forward to April 5 of this year. Everything seemed to be going well. We were both extremely stressed from exams coming up, and I actually had a major one the next day (she would repeatedly try to break up with me the night before a test so that I wouldn't argue with her). I finally told her that I was okay with it, that it was needed. I cried, and, surprisingly, she cried. She said that she had been lying to me and that it was my fault that she was lying (she ALWAYS thought that I was lying).

Rewind a couple weeks. I had a friend tel me that some guy (TOM!) at a bar was telling him that "There's this Albanian girl that has a boyfriend, but I know she wants me." I told her and she did not believe me until I showed her the text. A couple weeks later, I see a text from him saying "I know you better than he does," and I confront her about it (I never looked at her phone, I just saw it while I was lying in bed with her). She said he didn't mean anything by it, and, through manipulation, was able to convince me that nothing was going on. However, she knew I was upset that she didn't respond. She said that she had blocked him, but after she asked if I had simply blocked a friend that she didn't like, I asked her if she had done the same with Tom. I looked at her phone and she had unblocked him. I got upset and she walked away and said "Why can't you trust me?" So I let it go

Now, back to the breakup. I write her a decent note telling her to keep the promise ring because you never know what the future holds. I go to give her the note,  when I hear her and her roommates voices from the suite, as well as a guy's voice. She texts me, says she's not there. No one answers after I knock. One of her roommates, from my side of the door, then let's me in. I walk in to hand the note, when her roommates say she's not there. Then, I see her slide through the crack of the door to take the note. This is when I knew. I got 3 hours of sleep before my exam the next day with little to no studying. I also sent texts for 3 days straight begging her not to leave. She even said she may prefer to take on couple's counseling, but that seems far from gone.

Throughout the course of the last couple weeks, she was posting on social media some incredibly impacting things. On facebook she wrote "Ended one chapter of my life to find the next is even better." Then, I saw on her snapchat that she was getting rid of everything, and also saw a snap of this guy TOM, who is the definition of a f***boy. She then sends me a message while I'm out at the bars about a week later saying "Hey, I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful relationship." Me being drunk, I called her, and asked if we could talk about everything (pathetic, I know). She declined and sent out a last couple messages. I then blocked her on all social media, and on my phone, for a bit. I unblock her and a couple days later, she asks me to replace a part to her camera I broke, so I just venmoed her some money. That was the last contact we've had. However, I've seen pictures from a non-popular photo sight with pictures of her hanging all over this dude, and some friends of mine even said that she started calling him babe.

I do not think she knows I saw these pics, because I've blocked her everywhere. The reason I think this is because she came to a class that we decided to take together earlier this semester with the f***boy Tom. I know he's a guy that just loves starting crap, because he gets into fights at bars all the time. I didn't let it affect me to much.

This is just half of the total story of this toxic relationship in the ~9 months we were together.

Lately, I've been in a severe state of depression lately. She did this in the lowest point of my life. As president of my fraternity, there have been many financial issues, my car was totaled no more than 3 weeks before this, and my dog of 14 years was put down.

Until recently, I have been in a severe state of depression. We were suppose to move into an apartment I'm currently living in and split the rent together. Now I can't afford it and have to find someone to rent it out for the summer. The only good that has come out of this thus far is that I am now good friends with around 7 people that my BPDex pushed away. I cannot believe how forgiving they have been. I guess another good thing is that I am moving to Myrtle Beach for the summer to get away from everything. I'm hoping this depression ends very soon, because finals are coming up for some extremely difficult physics courses I am taking. I know she's absolutely no good for me, and have gone completely NC with her. But there's still that small piece of me that wants her back, despite the "heroin-addict-like" love that I gave to her.

Everyone around me, including her best friends, know she is 100% wrong in what she did, but cannot tell her what to do. The funny thing is, she had told them the night I was at the bar that he cared about her, and saw the texts saying "Everyone is around me but all I can think about is you." I saw him there hooking up and grinding on other girls, so I'm not sure how true that is. I'm not very egotistical, but I believe that I was perhaps the greatest thing that ever happened to her. Now, I'm not sure I want to be that nice guy anymore, because it hasn't seemed to do anything for me in the past few relationships.

I also wanted to ask if anyone knows of a possibility of her returning? She seems so hateful right now, after I did nothing in recent months. The only mistake was what occurred in the week before I saw her. It sucks that she rebounded the night after we broke up from a 9 month relationship. I don't know how to cope.

Thanks for reading all that guys .

[2glean]

So here is my story.


I had just broken up with a girlfriend of 4 1/2 years in early 2016, due to her cheating on me twice throughout the relationship and me waiting until a year later to break up with her because I couldn't look at her the same, no matter how hard I tried. 2 weeks after the break-up, I met this 18 year old girl (my now BPDex) when I was 23 about a year ago in February 2016. I was in a friend's suite-style dorm, where she had just moved in. I met her across the hall during a small party, where we hit it up pretty fast talking about our similar interests. That same night, the first time I met her, I invited her to my room. We didn't do anything but talk, until 6 in the morning about all of our passions and interests. It was honestly, and still is to this day, the best conversation I've ever had with anybody. We had intercourse the next day, and then dated for 2-3 weeks. However, little things would tick her off, and I remember her trying to break us off after the first week saying that she didn't want to hurt me, because she knew what she was capable of. Granted, I had my first Junior level physics test the next day, but put her before it, and failed (as did half the class, because the average was a 35 ), yet the relationship continued. Anyways, things were not all that great, she would get into arguments with me. During the beginning, I was very independent and would not put up with this crap. So I broke it off with her. After this, she went on a sex rampage with her guy friend after getting drunk and had sex with some very unattractive people. I told her I no longer wanted to even talk to her at this point since she was being so irrational.
 
The next few weeks were some weird times for sure. At one point, I had left my dorm (which was a single) unlocked and returned from a day of classes to find her lying naked in my bed. I remember saying I'd like to try to work on things, but then cut it off yet again after some time. Later that night after breaking up with her, she went to one of my fraternity's parties and hooked up with some guy, let's call him Tom, and repeatedly told him I was her ex, but then would come over to me and start hooking up. After the night, I drove her home and told her that it was unnecessary to try to make me jealous the way she was, but she denied this, even though I know that was her intent. We then cut it off for a couple months, and during this time she would see this guy Tom. I was hanging out with my friends during this time, and she seemed to be flaunting that she was with this guy.

Around May, at the end of the semester, she wanted to talk things out a bit, and we actually proceeded to then have sex. She said I was different and then wanted nothing to do with me, which I was fine with, because I was being a bit hostile over everything. However, upon returning home, we hit things up over text and Facetime, eventually even telling her that I loved her during that time. It was mutual. We agreed that we would start dating when I took a course over the second half of summer starting July 8, which also marked the beginning of the relationship. However, a week before arriving, we got into an argument and I went on to have sex with my previous ex (we were not in a relationship at this time). This caused many future problems.

After being with her on campus for a couple of weeks, I finally told her what had happened, and we were very close to breaking up. However, she took me back. This was the first leverage she had on me, which lasted all the way until the end of our relationship. However, the funny thing was is that she said she was "sexually assaulted" by someone, even though she had feelings for this person. Now, I would NEVER say that someone is not sexually assaulted if they say they are. The problem with this is that when we were on a break a few months later, she went out with this same guy, and kissed. She returned to me and told me who it was, which just really made me wonder about what she had said earlier.

Things went smoothly for a bit. We had quite a good honeymoon phase, with minimal arguments. However, when the semester started, things began to heat up. She would become incredibly jealous of my responsibilities in my professional fraternity, school, and other friends. All my time NEEDED to be devoted toward her. She would constantly attempt to break up with me, once of 2 or 3 weeks, which I would eventually convince her not to, since they were over very petty arguments. She would apologize after every one of these arguments, but would eventually bring them up again at a later point.

Fast forward to a surprise birthday party I and some of her friends had set up for her. I had brought her out to dinner, and had to make a few texts here or there to make sure her friends were set up upon our return. I told her it was my mom I needed to text about some problems back home. However, on the way back, she completely flipped on me and said she would not be coming over to my dorm, where the surprise was being held and also said she wanted to break up with me. I finally told her that we were planning a surprise party and she lost it. She eventually went to the party, but we still ended in an argument at the end of the night that I can't even remember.

Something similar happened on Valentine's day. I was searching for a promise ring for her (since Valentine's day was very close to our 6 month) and she actually flipped out again that I hadn't responded to a text for a bit. I told her I had to run some errands at the mall, and she said she wanted to break up. So, I ruined the surprise, yet again.

Fast forward to April 5 of this year. Everything seemed to be going well. We were both extremely stressed from exams coming up, and I actually had a major one the next day (she would repeatedly try to break up with me the night before a test so that I wouldn't argue with her). I finally told her that I was okay with it, that it was needed. I cried, and, surprisingly, she cried. She said that she had been lying to me and that it was my fault that she was lying (she ALWAYS thought that I was lying).

Rewind a couple weeks. I had a friend tel me that some guy (TOM!) at a bar was telling him that "There's this Albanian girl that has a boyfriend, but I know she wants me." I told her and she did not believe me until I showed her the text. A couple weeks later, I see a text from him saying "I know you better than he does," and I confront her about it (I never looked at her phone, I just saw it while I was lying in bed with her). She said he didn't mean anything by it, and, through manipulation, was able to convince me that nothing was going on. However, she knew I was upset that she didn't respond. She said that she had blocked him, but after she asked if I had simply blocked a friend that she didn't like, I asked her if she had done the same with Tom. I looked at her phone and she had unblocked him. I got upset and she walked away and said "Why can't you trust me?" So I let it go

Now, back to the breakup. I write her a decent note telling her to keep the promise ring because you never know what the future holds. I go to give her the note,  when I hear her and her roommates voices from the suite, as well as a guy's voice. She texts me, says she's not there. No one answers after I knock. One of her roommates, from my side of the door, then let's me in. I walk in to hand the note, when her roommates say she's not there. Then, I see her slide through the crack of the door to take the note. This is when I knew. I got 3 hours of sleep before my exam the next day with little to no studying. I also sent texts for 3 days straight begging her not to leave. She even said she may prefer to take on couple's counseling, but that seems far from gone.

Throughout the course of the last couple weeks, she was posting on social media some incredibly impacting things. On facebook she wrote "Ended one chapter of my life to find the next is even better." Then, I saw on her snapchat that she was getting rid of everything, and also saw a snap of this guy TOM, who is the definition of a f***boy. She then sends me a message while I'm out at the bars about a week later saying "Hey, I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful relationship." Me being drunk, I called her, and asked if we could talk about everything (pathetic, I know). She declined and sent out a last couple messages. I then blocked her on all social media, and on my phone, for a bit. I unblock her and a couple days later, she asks me to replace a part to her camera I broke, so I just venmoed her some money. That was the last contact we've had. However, I've seen pictures from a non-popular photo sight with pictures of her hanging all over this dude, and some friends of mine even said that she started calling him babe.

I do not think she knows I saw these pics, because I've blocked her everywhere. The reason I think this is because she came to a class that we decided to take together earlier this semester with the f***boy Tom. I know he's a guy that just loves starting crap, because he gets into fights at bars all the time. I didn't let it affect me to much.

This is just half of the total story of this toxic relationship in the ~9 months we were together.

Lately, I've been in a severe state of depression lately. She did this in the lowest point of my life. As president of my fraternity, there have been many financial issues, my car was totaled no more than 3 weeks before this, and my dog of 14 years was put down.

Until recently, I have been in a severe state of depression. We were suppose to move into an apartment I'm currently living in and split the rent together. Now I can't afford it and have to find someone to rent it out for the summer. The only good that has come out of this thus far is that I am now good friends with around 7 people that my BPDex pushed away. I cannot believe how forgiving they have been. I guess another good thing is that I am moving to Myrtle Beach for the summer to get away from everything. I'm hoping this depression ends very soon, because finals are coming up for some extremely difficult physics courses I am taking. I know she's absolutely no good for me, and have gone completely NC with her. But there's still that small piece of me that wants her back, despite the "heroin-addict-like" love that I gave to her.

Everyone around me, including her best friends, know she is 100% wrong in what she did, but cannot tell her what to do. The funny thing is, she had told them the night I was at the bar that he cared about her, and saw the texts saying "Everyone is around me but all I can think about is you." I saw him there hooking up and grinding on other girls, so I'm not sure how true that is. I'm not very egotistical, but I believe that I was perhaps the greatest thing that ever happened to her. Now, I'm not sure I want to be that nice guy anymore, because it hasn't seemed to do anything for me in the past few relationships.

I also wanted to ask if anyone knows of a possibility of her returning? She seems so hateful right now, after I did nothing in recent months. The only mistake was what occurred in the week before I saw her. It sucks that she rebounded the night after we broke up from a 9 month relationship. I don't know how to cope.

Thanks for reading all that guys .

[Mclovin1234]

Their grandiose statements ("I want to have your kids." "You mean the world to me." "I love you more than anything.", mean very little in reality. Always analyze them by their actions. There's a stark disconnect between their words and actions, and when we begin to analyze the actions they've committed, it becomes easier to cope with the failure of the relationship (lying, cheating, manipulating, feigned apologies, etc). My ex gf was notorious for her grand claims of love. Ironically, the more ridiculous the statements became in their intensity, the more often a break up or distancing would ensue.
   It's difficult to accept the possibility that the future you in envisioned with them, never had much a chance of actualiztion. Unfortunately their inability to regulate emotions, behavior, and their inability to integrate contradicting elements of their psyche (1)need for love, yet fear of abandonment, 2) praise and devaluation, 3)inability to see beyond black and white (absolutes), 3) impulsivity, 4)destructive relationship style (unable to communicate healthily or accept criticism, unrealistic expectations, infedelity (lies, cheating, smear campaigns, replacements), 5) hypersexuality or using sex as a means to control), 6) severe psychological trauma that oftentimes ligers beyond her conscious understanding, 7) defensive mechanisms meant to protect her, yet end of damaging her partner (verbal, psychical abuse, undermining your self confidence, capitalizing upon your lack of personal boundaries.
Also, it helps to assume resposibility for your part in the relationship as well. Codependency tends to be an issue and explains why we were willing to tolerate such as abuse, so long as we ended getting rewarded through her validation, sex, emotional closeness, excessive attention, praise, etc. Oftentimes this can be tied to our own up bringing and how we internalize what love is. Sometimes love and abuse can become confused. Next, personal boundaries. We tend to lack them. However, a healthy individual typically would not have tolerated her push/pulls, abuse, and constant invoking of drama. They would end the relationship permanently and refuse to allow her into their life. Lastly (this is just my option and is not all a full analysis, just a short synopsis), we tend to suffer from low self esteem and lean towards people pleasing. The solution to this for me, was analyzing the structure of my life; I tended to be people pleasing and derived happiness by others reaffirming my value, instead of reaffirming my own value and doing things that I actually wanted to do. I restructured my life around my interests, values, and personal/professional standards. Now I don't have to rely on someone else to provide me with happiness or "unconditional love." I've realized that unconditional love is something that comes from within the self and a normal, healthy relationship, is based on interdependence. Not the type of condependence and abuse you suffered at the hands of your BPD ex gf. A true healthy relationship is formed around trust, healthy communication, support, emotional maturity, mutual reciprocity, intimacy, stability and two whole people coming together in response to their shared enjoyment of one another's presence. You're not meant to be a savior, taking care of an "adult child."