two steps forward, one step back

[Depression = 72% of members]

So it's been a while since I've last posted. To summarize where I am at in the relationship w my stbxBPDh, our divorce is "almost" finalized. I filed after he dropped his drunken TRO request, the court awarding me a "peaceful contact" RO, a reconciliation, pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, which just happened to be the perfect time for him to do his final discard to maximize the damage.  He left two days after he gave my a wonderful necklace representing his love for me on Valentine's Day. The few times that we have communicated, he tells me he is now going to AA and "hanging out" with his female friend from 20 years ago who he also goes to AA meeting with.

Since he left in February, I have read several books about personality disorders which help keep me out of the fantasy world and I'm looking for a new therapist who focuses on traumatic bonding/relationships since I'm moving soon. I know the emotional recovery is going to be long and that I'm not going to be able to do it without help. With that said, I feel like I am in the best place I can reasonably expect to be at this point. The fog is clearing a bit and I'm able to feel tiny bits of peace every now and then.

One thing that is hard for me to accept is that the "good times" that we shared were not real. I am just stunned at how I really thought he was the one for me. I really felt like he loved me during the times he played the part of my husband and friend. I now realize that I in fact wasn't married to two separate people. I was married to the person he is now who just happened to pretend to be a loving man a couple days out of each week.  

I feel this has been one of the harder things to come to accept. It's like I know all the facts but I can't seem to really accept that reality. How do I get to the point to where I accept what I know as true?

[MrsTrigger]

So it's been a while since I've last posted. To summarize where I am at in the relationship w my stbxBPDh, our divorce is "almost" finalized. I filed after he dropped his drunken TRO request, the court awarding me a "peaceful contact" RO, a reconciliation, pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, which just happened to be the perfect time for him to do his final discard to maximize the damage.  He left two days after he gave my a wonderful necklace representing his love for me on Valentine's Day. The few times that we have communicated, he tells me he is now going to AA and "hanging out" with his female friend from 20 years ago who he also goes to AA meeting with.

Since he left in February, I have read several books about personality disorders which help keep me out of the fantasy world and I'm looking for a new therapist who focuses on traumatic bonding/relationships since I'm moving soon. I know the emotional recovery is going to be long and that I'm not going to be able to do it without help. With that said, I feel like I am in the best place I can reasonably expect to be at this point. The fog is clearing a bit and I'm able to feel tiny bits of peace every now and then.

One thing that is hard for me to accept is that the "good times" that we shared were not real. I am just stunned at how I really thought he was the one for me. I really felt like he loved me during the times he played the part of my husband and friend. I now realize that I in fact wasn't married to two separate people. I was married to the person he is now who just happened to pretend to be a loving man a couple days out of each week.  

I feel this has been one of the harder things to come to accept. It's like I know all the facts but I can't seem to really accept that reality. How do I get to the point to where I accept what I know as true?