Can relationship between BPD and BPD/NPD really be so strong?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My exBPD gf found my replacement little more than a year ago. My replacement is total BPD/NPD. He is criminal, he lies, does drunk driving, beating, drugs and so on. The point is that my ex has also confronted him. Lies have come out. But my ex says that he is changing and because of her and that he makes her feel so loved and that no one else hasnt loved her that way like he does.
My replacement was telling tears in his eyes how he lost his daugher, but then came out he hasnt had any daughter at all. My replacement says that he has lied because he feels so insecure and he thought he didnt had any chance with someone like her. Thats his excuse. I think its ridiculous. He also cant keep any job. Because of lies and then he steals something etc.
This is quite embarrasing for me, i cant understand how is that possible. Every time i think about it i feel myself so cheap and used. Like even someone so bad can still be better than me in love.

[happendtome]

My exBPD gf found my replacement little more than a year ago. My replacement is total BPD/NPD. He is criminal, he lies, does drunk driving, beating, drugs and so on. The point is that my ex has also confronted him. Lies have come out. But my ex says that he is changing and because of her and that he makes her feel so loved and that no one else hasnt loved her that way like he does.
My replacement was telling tears in his eyes how he lost his daugher, but then came out he hasnt had any daughter at all. My replacement says that he has lied because he feels so insecure and he thought he didnt had any chance with someone like her. Thats his excuse. I think its ridiculous. He also cant keep any job. Because of lies and then he steals something etc.
This is quite embarrasing for me, i cant understand how is that possible. Every time i think about it i feel myself so cheap and used. Like even someone so bad can still be better than me in love.

[roberto516]

It's a curious topic. My ex, if you believe her, said her exe's cheated on her, criticized her appearance, put her down, etc. And she seemed more willing to fight for them than she was for me. Maybe it's because she is finally realizing she isn't too good at relationships and it was wrong place wrong time for me to be left so easily.

But a part of me thinks, albeit illogical, the emotional abuse that a NPD will give out is completely normal to them. It validates their own low self-worth thoughts. And so maybe they try harder. I don't know. But there does seem to be a link. If you think about it. If they find a caretaker, which is what they always wanted, that can be weird and scary. And the second we fail them they cut and run because of the fear of abandonment. Maybe the norm for them is to be treated badly.

Maybe if I began the relationship by doing what I wanted and not listening to her or trying to make it a real relationship we would have lasted longer. maybe she would have begged for me. Who knows. But I'm curious to see what others think.

Don't put yourself down. Trust me on this one. You know your self-worth. And how you treated your ex. That's all that matters. I have to remind myself of that all the time. how her family probably thinks we just didn't work out. It doesn't matter what they think. Or what she thinks. What I think about me matters. 

[happendtome]

Thank you, Roberto. I know i shouldnt think about this a lot, but the point is that it has shaken quite fundamentally my belief what comes to women and relationships. Somehow, it all brings back this saying that "all girls like bad guys". Even if they deny this. My ex said before our relationship started what are the deal breakers for her... .and then 180 degrees. What should i think really? And this guy is, besides all of this, also coward. Total mess.

[roberto516]

I'm in the same boat happenedtome. And I find myself with these thoughts as well. I'm not ruminating as much anymore. But the reason I do share here when I have thoughts like you do is because people here will show me that they were in a similar situation. If I stay in my own head it's gonna be easy for me to rationalize in a way that I don't feel good. So if I share, people tell me similar experiences, and I realize there is nothing that I can do for her. Only about me.

[chillamom]

Hi, happenedtome... .: "like even someone so bad can still be better than me in love".  This is a very interesting statement - perhaps that is ONLY what she can allow herself.  Someone with a good heart and good intentions, honest and sincere like yourself, may have actually been too threatening to her.  From what I have come to understand on this board and from so many books I can't even remember them is that BPD is a shame based disorder. If that's true, and I certainly believe it is, than someone who loved her in the best way would have been rejected because she felt undeserving.  I have read in several sources (and my clinician friends concur) the the BPD/NPD relationship often "works" (if you can call perpetual dysfunction "working" because the NPD's cruelty and self-centeredness fits in well with the deep shame and self-hatred of many people with BPD... .in other words, the NPD gives them what they FEEL they deserve.   I can understand your embarrassment, and I would feel similarly, but looking at it rationally, he might be a "good" partner for her (FOR NOW) just because he is NOT good.  The phrase "you're too good for her" is probably 100% accurate in your case.  I hope you have a good day, happenedtome. 

[OptimusRhyme]

 
I have read in several sources (and my clinician friends concur) the the BPD/NPD relationship often "works" (if you can call perpetual dysfunction "working" because the NPD's cruelty and self-centeredness fits in well with the deep shame and self-hatred of many people with BPD... .in other words, the NPD gives them what they FEEL they deserve.   I can understand your embarrassment, and I would feel similarly, but looking at it rationally, he might be a "good" partner for her (FOR NOW) just because he is NOT good.  The phrase "you're too good for her" is probably 100% accurate in your case. 

Think of it this way - this is a very similar mechanism to the codependent baggage some nons have  - because of childhood injuries and skewed behavioral patterns, the non accepts objectively abusive and poor behavior because it's part of their malformed concept of love. The npd behavior validating the unconscious core shame of the BPD is a strong bond - trauma bonding, and not a bond anybody should really want, but strong.

When I get into a similar headspace as the OP, I find it's useful to remind myself that the concept of love is subjective. Look at the actions and scenery of your ex's and replacement's love - lying, abusive, drunk driving, etc etc etc. Even if your replacement is the "Best ever" at your ex's particular love story, that sounds pretty miserable to me.

If someone came to you and said "oh man, Joe is the most amazing friend. He ignores me, puts me down, doesnt have any personal responsibility and makes lots of my other friendships more stressful. He's the best!", you would think their judgment was broken, right? So don't assume that her judgment of what love is or how it works bears any resemblance to yours, and it's easier to realize that her choices and judgments have almost nothing to do with your self value (except in the dynamic highlighted above, where your goodness might literally be toxic to her concept of love).

[happendtome]

Thank you, Chillamom. I understand what you are saying and i really should think about this way. Always. But i guess we all know "the meaning" when someone is dumped and the explanation is given that " you were too good".

I dont know what she is thinking and im not looking her explanations either. Because whatever she would say it wouldnt be sincere anyway. It would be just some kind of excuse that she is right. If i wouldnt agree then she would start to argue... .talking with her never lead me anywhere.