Wife starting therapy - Conflicted

[OuttaDaFog]

Greetings,

About a month ago, my wife of just over 20 years started therapy for BPD.  I spent a long time in a fog, confused and feeling trapped.  A little over a year ago, I finally started to understand what I was dealing with and started reading about BPD.  Her mother definitely has low functioning BPD, but undiagnosed.  My wife's older sister probably had higher functioning BPD and sadly committed suicide about 4 years ago. 

The winter before last, I had gone through about 5 months of the cycle of "I hate you and have never loved you", which is usually followed by "you're the best husband in the world" for a while until the next cycle.  As any of you would probably know, during these cycles she would hate on me and tell me she didn't love me and would put down everything that was important to me.  I have been like a single parent for years, and most things around the house (cooking, cleaning, driving to appointments, housework inside and out, laundry, and most other household responsibilities) have been my responsibility, as she has refused to participate or assist.  Despite that, I would hear during her hate me cycles how I don't do anything and show no motivation, etc.  After the last cycle, I couldn't take it any more and was at my wit's end.  It was then I started to encounter the possibility that she was BPD and it started to make a lot of sense.  I also met someone at my church, who is a close friend and confidant in a similar situation. She was able to help me come out of the fog I seemed to live in all the time. 

Over the last year, I spent a lot of time on myself, and a few months ago, once our finances were such that I could afford it, started counseling (my wife has had a spending problem and it has been a huge issue that has nearly destroyed us).  About a month ago, my wife accused me of having an affair.  I went to study (going for a master's degree) at a McDonald's instead of home.  She flipped, backed me into a verbal corner and I told her how I felt, as I didn't feel like I had a choice, that I no longer wanted to be married.  It was an honest answer and I have basically lost any love for her as my wife from how it feels right now.  I care about her and love her as a person, but the rest had gone by this time. We have 2 kids, high school and college, and I refused long ago to leave her because I was worried she would neglect them (she spends days in bed due to depression and anxiety). She also had slapped our daughter a few times when I wasn't home.  The last time I threatened the police and it was a big issue with her, but it never happened again to my knowledge.  This was another reason I didn't leave her.  Since my admission, it has been difficult with her.  She has been in a panic and wanting this to be fixed and all better like yesterday.  I have explained that this will take time and right now she needs to give me space.  I know that is tough for her.  Right now, we can't afford to split up and I don't have anywhere to go, nor do I want to leave the kids, still.  Right now I told her that we are kind of in limbo and that I need time.  The more and more that I think about it, I am still very angry that I was put into this situation and there is so much for me to forget, I don't know if I can.  Despite all that, I don't know if I can handle another several years of this emotional turmoil.  The more we have talked, the more I have realized how serious her condition is.  I don't know what to do.  Part of me feels bad and wants to help her (I'm codependent, of course), and the other part wants to just finish my degree in a year and leave.  I'd love some thoughts or advice, please.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[gotbushels]

Hi OuttaDaFog 

Welcome.

I'm glad to hear your found answers to many of the issues around your life with your wife, her mother, and her sibling.

As any of you would probably know, during these cycles she would hate on me and tell me she didn't love me and would put down everything that was important to me. 

Yes, many of us here know what these cycles can feel like for you.

I have been like a single parent for years, and most things around the house (cooking, cleaning, driving to appointments, housework inside and out, laundry, and most other household responsibilities) have been my responsibility, as she has refused to participate or assist. 

You're not alone in this. Many partners of pwBPDs report having to do much of the "living" in the relationship. I too know what it's like to do the cooking, cleaning, housework, laundry, amongst other responsibilities while my partner lay in bed or refused to eat what I cooked for her.

(... .) I'd love some thoughts or advice, please.

It's good that you understand that it's difficult for her while you're going through all these things. It will help you when you're feeling angry about the situation you're in. It's also good that you're considering your children in your thoughts—in families with a pwBPD parent, the children often suffer without much of a voice.

For the emotional turmoil, what helped me a lot was to understand which feelings belong to whom. Yes, there's a lot of emotional turmoil in this relationship, yes, it often means we're supposed to be the big pillar of stability, but that doesn't mean we can't be clear about feelings and anxiety.

After you find some clarity here, it doesn't mean you'll use it in an argument, what it means is that it allows you to unlock understanding that will then make it easier for you to tolerate her turmoil. I know this to be true.

I hope you find continued peace and I hope to hear more about how your story develops.