Trying to take steps to break the cycle

[tennysongirl]

I've been kicked out of our house or been left multiple times by my husband with BPD. Most memorable was last Thanksgiving, where a small disagreement exploded a few days before and he packed up and left with his son while I was at the grocery store thinking I was giving him the space he needed to self-regulate and be calmer when I returned. Was informed via email he would be spending Thanksgiving with his ex-wife and his son, and did not want to spend it with me. He also had left me a note saying he was letting the house foreclose and that he was moving an hour away to be closer to work and his son. "I can't do this anymore, I want a divorce," etc.

Cue to a month or so later, we're moving together and he is seeking DBT therapy. I continue to see my personal therapist, with a month break to settle into new job and new routine.

Several months are good, calm, and we're both happy. He repeatedly tells me how happy he is and behaves as such. Two weeks ago, another small argument, and he wants a divorce again. Abandoned me on my birthday and went alone on a trip we had planned to take together after outlining all of the reasons I shouldn't still go ("It'd be weird", "I need space".
Emailed my therapist and his conjointly today while CCing me to let me know he'd like a group chat to get the divorce paper ball rolling. Predominant recurrent statements - "I'm ready to get on with my life, aren't you?" "I love you but I don't want to be married to you anymore." "I'm not changing my mind this time."

Normally, I'd be an emotional mess, packing my stuff and trying to make plans while in tears and verbally firing back. However, this time, I stopped packing, even put some of the things back (he says "I'd leave those packed if I were you", and have managed to remain calm and noncommittal, even validating, when he corners me and demands we talk "plans" for divorce. I have been kicked out so many times and reacted so passionately to his demands in the past, and I'm very tired of allowing him this power over me and kicking me out just as i settle in somewhere and have the foundations of a life.
So I requested we talk at a later date, told him that I've built a life down here that involves a job, and friends, and that I was allowing myself a decent length of time to think things over and figure out my next "plans". All throughout he insists he's not changing his mind and that he's not happy with the person I am, even though he loves me.

It felt good to not respond in kind for once... .felt good to "take my power back" so to speak. In the end though, my actions and decisions are up to me, and I am very torn. Life is very full, chaotic, and good with him when he's not reacting to stress poorly, and the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde patterns are starting to wear on me. Being kicked out every few months also severely affects my step-son, as he is used to me being there sometimes and sometimes not, so it's been difficult to build a stable relationship with him without feeling like I may be forced to "abandon" my SS when his dad's whims are in full control again.

This site has been helpful for me with getting perspective from others, being able to vent in a safe space, reading about similar situations, and just generally feeling like I'm not alone.

Another member mentioned that they never expected marriage to make them feel so alone, and that hits the nail on the head. Whenever I'm having a rough week, it immediately becomes about him and feels like there is no support system for me - rather I am the support system for he, his son, and his severely depressed ex-wife. However, I'm going to try to continue to break that cycle by being validating, removed but not cruel, and spending time looking out for myself instead of wasting that energy firing back and basically spinning wheels.

It's really hard to keep up the positive attitude for both of us sometimes, and today I am taking a break from anxiety (which situations like this invariably make worse) and plan-making to enjoy a beautiful sunny day.

[schwing]

You might consider that part of the "cycle" is allowing him to get close to you.

My understanding is that when he feels too close to you, this triggers his fear of abandonment.  And I know you probably have never made any threats to him that you would abandon him, never the less, because of his disorder, he still perceives "imagined" abandonment.  This is what motivates him to leave you.  This is probably what he is feeling when he tells you "I can't do this anymore, I want a divorce."

You see, he feels that you are going to abandon him (regardless of how you actually relate to him) and he cannot handle this imagined feeling that you are going to leave him.  And the best way for him to *avoid* being abandoned is to be the one who abandons first.  And so he abandons you and goes to his ex-wife.

And during this time, you get a break from this ambivalent behavior but I'm certain his ex-wife re-experiences more or less the same kind of push-pull behavior.

Technically, if he is applying what he should be learning in his DBT sessions, he should be exercising new techniques to manage his distortions and his disordered emotions.  But if he is resorting to leaving you and threatening to leave you, I don't think he is applying any of his DBT exercises.

Also, don't underestimate the toll it takes on you for going through each up and down.  In the case of your BPD partner, he is dealing with his fear of abandonment.  You, on the other hand, are actually dealing with actual abandonment.

Best wishes,

Schwing

p.s. "Knowledge comes, Wisdom lingers... ."