Painful Arguments - Over and Over Again - It's Working

[DaddyBear77]

I went back and I listened to a couple arguments I had with my pwBPD in 2015. I know they're old, but happened to record those arguments, AND we had LITERALLY the exact same argument last week. So this is clearly consistent. I'm not really worried about the age of them.

I thought about sharing the whole transcript, but I thought maybe that would be going a little to far.

Instead, here are some key "talking points" (distorted thoughts?) that have been consistent throughout the past several years:

"I shouldn't have even married you"

"what I'm trying to do is get you to be a decent person, and stop abusing me, and stop being an abusive, cruel, lying ass."

"The OTHER thing ... .is that I expect you to protect our family from your vindictive c--- of a mother who wants to break us apart and see me without my child and suffering. "

This is a small sampling, but they're good examples.

It really helped me to listen to things in her words, and put them down on paper.

When I first listened to them, I said "Wow! These are crazy accusations! That's not me at all!"

But as I've been trying to write this post for the past 45 minutes or so, I've re-read them over and over again, and I'm realizing that I'm starting to believe her! I'm actually starting to think I AM a horrible abusive partner.

WHY in the H-LL AM I BUYING INTO THIS?

[teapay]

Some of these quotes sound familiar to me.  As you mentioned often you find yourself buying into them.  That perpetuates the dynamic, especially if you cave in. Your BPD probably senses it is effective on you and therefore employs it.  It is essentially your issue, though.  It is something you are responsible for and have control of.  As you develop a stronger sense of self and reality and institute stronger boundaries and consequences the relationship will eventually right itself overtime.  This is the best area to expend your energy.  The BPD will either adapt behavior to healthier patterns and the relationship improve or will implode and the relationship will end (protect yourself!).  Either way with a stronger sense of self you will definitely improve and be better able to solve whatever problems that may emerge in a way that is better for you and by association your child.   If your BPD can develop healthier patterns of living as a result you would have done her the biggest favor you could have done.

This isn't an easy or short process, but there is really no way around it, only through it.  Avoiding it only kicks the can down the road as you can see in your recordings.

[Grey Kitty]

WHY in the H-LL AM I BUYING INTO THIS?

Yes, that is a very good question.

And I think the answer is that you've stopped buying into it finally. You know better. At least when you aren't in the middle of a fight being accused/attacked that way, you know better than to buy into it and believe it.

Instead of that question, here's the hard one for you today:

These are completely unfair and unproductive and unanswerable subjects of discussion in a conflict. If you look for articles on how to fight fair in a relationship, these are all from the don't-do-this column!

You've let yourself get dragged into these arguments for two years, and it has resolved nothing, and improved nothing. Do you think anything good will come out of two more years of it? Ten more years of it?

Why are you even participating in a discussion/fight/conflict like this?

Why don't you just insist you won't discuss it this way with her and leave her presence, since she won't drop it? (Presumed outcome; if you become consistent on enforcing this boundary, she will probably start letting you drop it)

... .anyhow, I just re-read and saw where you said you are starting to believe it. I have to say that at one point in my marriage, I was in your shoes. And the only reason I can come up with that I started to believe it is that I let myself get trapped into hearing it enough times that it started to wear me down, and I started to doubt my own sanity and reality. Those were dark days.

[DaddyBear77]

Yes, this is my very dark time. I can confirm that without a doubt.

I am concerned for both my mental health and my physical health. The fact that I'm here talking about it and speaking rationally tells me that I'm probably not too far gone, but make no mistake, this is serious. Serious enough for me to have made a series of medical appointments over the next 2-3 weeks, and going to the doctor is something I rarely do.

I am stable and fine and I WILL get through this, but yeah, this is certainly a dark time.

[byfaith]

Hey DB,
Yes I have done the whole "am i this person she is saying i am?" What i would do is take what my wife said to me and take the worst parts of it out and then begin trying to pick the the "truths" out!

Step back from the painting and look at the whole thing! Spend way more time looking at the whole picture.

Dont believe her crap! Yes we have our faults as human beings. We are not the horrible people they say we are!

From personal experience yes this takes a physical toll. We need to take care of ourselves. Just ask yourself how much of this can i put up with? The patterns do not change, at least in my situation