Ex girlfriend BPD making my life miserable

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I dated my BPD girlfriend for six months.  Everything was good for the first four and a half, she seemed happy up till St. Patrick's Day when she first got "upset" at me because she felt like I didn't feel as close as I should to her (she was talking having a baby and moving in together and I said we should wait just a bit longer but I definitely wanted those in the future with her).  That night she told me she was going into a depressive state that would last months and I probably wouldn't be able to survive through it.  She then woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me "I didn't deserve what was coming." and hugged me tight.

After this, we started having fights about once a week, with a load of condescending remarks thrown in.  The first was about what she called my "Savior" complex, she got upset that I wouldn't fix it and didn't think it was a real problem (I'm a public defender).  She disappeared for a couple days saying she was upset and needed room, then reappeared as if nothing had happened. 

The second fight was about me using the sentence "What am I doing tonight?" because, even though she understood I was asking if I was seeing her that night, it could be implied that she was my boss and she didn't like the implication.  I tried to break up with her at that point, and I guess I should have, but she called me up crying asking me to come over and talk with her, so I did.  She told me that she felt like a bad person inside and didn't deserve love or to be happy so she sabotages relationship and she didn't want to do that with our relationship.  I said okay, we can work on this and get through it.

The third fight I asked her if she and her ex husband had thought previously about moving in together for the sake of the kids, since they were now getting along well together, she had a huge house that he was paying for, and he also had an apartment that he was paying for.  She got really upset about this, told me it was a double standard that I could ask these type of questions but she couldn't ask for me to simply not say phrases she didn't like (bringing up the past fight).  She said she needed to figure out the relationship and disappeared for a couple of days, reappearing at a bar I was at after asking what I was doing that night.  I kind of freaked out, asked her if she had figured things out, she said no, and I then told her that if she hadn't figured it out I kind of wanted the night to have fun with my friends without worrying about where our relationship stood.  She went off and cried, then started sending me a bunch of text messages saying it sounded like if she didn't make a decision then I would just pick up someone else at the bar, to which I assured her I loved her and wasn't going to go home with someone else but I need to know where we stand.  We "made up" a day later, and she then gave me her rules to follow, she wanted independence, for us to only be together when we were happy, and no resentment in the relationship.  Also, when she was tired she either needed me to help prioritize the things she had to do, or go away until she was better.  I asked her if she would be telling me which to do, and she told me I'd have to figure out which to do.

Our fourth fight happened a few days later when I went out to surprise her with dinner after yoga class.  I had done this before, but when I did it this time she seemed very turned off.  She didn't eat, told me she was going home to eat, and that she probably didn't want to do anything that night.  I asked her about it later and she condescendingly told me she didn't have time to deal with me right now.  When she did finally talk to me about it, she told me I had taken the choice away from her to have me there, stepped on her boundaries and her independence.  I asked her why she didn't tell me this last night and correct me on it before getting upset, and she said I "blindsided" her and didn't give her any choice but to be upset.  I asked her how this was any different than her showing up at the bar I was at, and she said that I lured her to the bar by telling her where I was and I picked a bar that i knew she and her friends hung out at so it was her territory.

I was thinking of breaking up with her at this point, but she called to tell me she had the flu and wanted me to come take care of her.  After some more condescending remarks I told her alright.  For the next three days I'd wake her up every six hours, give her meds, massage the areas that hurt, then cuddled with her until she fell back asleep.  One day I gave her a dose of ibuprofein to go with the tylenol.  She started asking me what was wrong and I told her I was really tired, which I was.  I fell asleep and when I woke up, she was in a sun dress and hat and said she was going out.  I advised her against that but she didn't want to hear it.  She asked if I was joining her and I told her I really wanted to get some sleep at home but when she got done I'd come back.  When she texted me a couple hours later saying the flu had come back, I texted that I would be over in a bit.  She texted back ":)on't bother, I want to be alone from now on."  I didn't hear from her for a couple days, she then told me she was overwhelmed and needed space and a step back from the relationship.  I told her that was fine and text me whenever.  I figured this was all over.

This is where my issue gets bad.  The Thursday and Friday after I ran into her out in public at a couple bars.  I waved to her at the first bar then backed out after hugging her friend.  The second time I said to her I was there with friends.  The next day (Saturday) she started talking to mutual friends about how I was stalking her and was controlling during the relationship.  They told me don't worry about it and one even gave me the friend group's history with her, how she had used the stalker line many times before, and how she had burned a lot of bridges and nobody really trusted her.  I talked to her ex husband, who said she was borderline, and her ex boyfriend before me, who said she was with him when she was married and she didn't tell him and when he broke up with her she started stalking him.  This is when I got the full picture of what was going on.

I wanted her to stop telling mutual acquaintances the bad stuff.  I ran into her Saturday, asked if I could have ten minutes of her time.  She wouldn't even look at me and told me no and go away.  I then told her I didn't like her telling people that I was stalking her because if that got to the wrong people it could ruin my career, and we were going to run into each other since we hang out in the same groups.  She said she was fine, I told her I wasn't fine with what was going on and needed it to stop, she then started yelling in the bar ":)ammit PD it's over, we didn't work out" I told her that wasn't what I was talking about, and really wanted her to understand there wasn't any stalking going on and I needed it to stop.  She then yelled again "Get over it and go away!" at this point everyone in the bar was staring at her and me, so I backed off.  She then decided to kiss a random guy there, I guess to knock her point home.

Is there anything I can do at this point?  I don't think common sense will work, and I'm worried every time we see each other she'll start it back up.  It's like any communication I can do will be used against me, but she can still randomly contact friends (my friend sent me a screenshot of a conversation with the BPD, asking me why she's contacting her)  I really just want it to all go away.

[publicdefender]

I dated my BPD girlfriend for six months.  Everything was good for the first four and a half, she seemed happy up till St. Patrick's Day when she first got "upset" at me because she felt like I didn't feel as close as I should to her (she was talking having a baby and moving in together and I said we should wait just a bit longer but I definitely wanted those in the future with her).  That night she told me she was going into a depressive state that would last months and I probably wouldn't be able to survive through it.  She then woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me "I didn't deserve what was coming." and hugged me tight.

After this, we started having fights about once a week, with a load of condescending remarks thrown in.  The first was about what she called my "Savior" complex, she got upset that I wouldn't fix it and didn't think it was a real problem (I'm a public defender).  She disappeared for a couple days saying she was upset and needed room, then reappeared as if nothing had happened. 

The second fight was about me using the sentence "What am I doing tonight?" because, even though she understood I was asking if I was seeing her that night, it could be implied that she was my boss and she didn't like the implication.  I tried to break up with her at that point, and I guess I should have, but she called me up crying asking me to come over and talk with her, so I did.  She told me that she felt like a bad person inside and didn't deserve love or to be happy so she sabotages relationship and she didn't want to do that with our relationship.  I said okay, we can work on this and get through it.

The third fight I asked her if she and her ex husband had thought previously about moving in together for the sake of the kids, since they were now getting along well together, she had a huge house that he was paying for, and he also had an apartment that he was paying for.  She got really upset about this, told me it was a double standard that I could ask these type of questions but she couldn't ask for me to simply not say phrases she didn't like (bringing up the past fight).  She said she needed to figure out the relationship and disappeared for a couple of days, reappearing at a bar I was at after asking what I was doing that night.  I kind of freaked out, asked her if she had figured things out, she said no, and I then told her that if she hadn't figured it out I kind of wanted the night to have fun with my friends without worrying about where our relationship stood.  She went off and cried, then started sending me a bunch of text messages saying it sounded like if she didn't make a decision then I would just pick up someone else at the bar, to which I assured her I loved her and wasn't going to go home with someone else but I need to know where we stand.  We "made up" a day later, and she then gave me her rules to follow, she wanted independence, for us to only be together when we were happy, and no resentment in the relationship.  Also, when she was tired she either needed me to help prioritize the things she had to do, or go away until she was better.  I asked her if she would be telling me which to do, and she told me I'd have to figure out which to do.

Our fourth fight happened a few days later when I went out to surprise her with dinner after yoga class.  I had done this before, but when I did it this time she seemed very turned off.  She didn't eat, told me she was going home to eat, and that she probably didn't want to do anything that night.  I asked her about it later and she condescendingly told me she didn't have time to deal with me right now.  When she did finally talk to me about it, she told me I had taken the choice away from her to have me there, stepped on her boundaries and her independence.  I asked her why she didn't tell me this last night and correct me on it before getting upset, and she said I "blindsided" her and didn't give her any choice but to be upset.  I asked her how this was any different than her showing up at the bar I was at, and she said that I lured her to the bar by telling her where I was and I picked a bar that i knew she and her friends hung out at so it was her territory.

I was thinking of breaking up with her at this point, but she called to tell me she had the flu and wanted me to come take care of her.  After some more condescending remarks I told her alright.  For the next three days I'd wake her up every six hours, give her meds, massage the areas that hurt, then cuddled with her until she fell back asleep.  One day I gave her a dose of ibuprofein to go with the tylenol.  She started asking me what was wrong and I told her I was really tired, which I was.  I fell asleep and when I woke up, she was in a sun dress and hat and said she was going out.  I advised her against that but she didn't want to hear it.  She asked if I was joining her and I told her I really wanted to get some sleep at home but when she got done I'd come back.  When she texted me a couple hours later saying the flu had come back, I texted that I would be over in a bit.  She texted back ":)on't bother, I want to be alone from now on."  I didn't hear from her for a couple days, she then told me she was overwhelmed and needed space and a step back from the relationship.  I told her that was fine and text me whenever.  I figured this was all over.

This is where my issue gets bad.  The Thursday and Friday after I ran into her out in public at a couple bars.  I waved to her at the first bar then backed out after hugging her friend.  The second time I said to her I was there with friends.  The next day (Saturday) she started talking to mutual friends about how I was stalking her and was controlling during the relationship.  They told me don't worry about it and one even gave me the friend group's history with her, how she had used the stalker line many times before, and how she had burned a lot of bridges and nobody really trusted her.  I talked to her ex husband, who said she was borderline, and her ex boyfriend before me, who said she was with him when she was married and she didn't tell him and when he broke up with her she started stalking him.  This is when I got the full picture of what was going on.

I wanted her to stop telling mutual acquaintances the bad stuff.  I ran into her Saturday, asked if I could have ten minutes of her time.  She wouldn't even look at me and told me no and go away.  I then told her I didn't like her telling people that I was stalking her because if that got to the wrong people it could ruin my career, and we were going to run into each other since we hang out in the same groups.  She said she was fine, I told her I wasn't fine with what was going on and needed it to stop, she then started yelling in the bar ":)ammit PD it's over, we didn't work out" I told her that wasn't what I was talking about, and really wanted her to understand there wasn't any stalking going on and I needed it to stop.  She then yelled again "Get over it and go away!" at this point everyone in the bar was staring at her and me, so I backed off.  She then decided to kiss a random guy there, I guess to knock her point home.

Is there anything I can do at this point?  I don't think common sense will work, and I'm worried every time we see each other she'll start it back up.  It's like any communication I can do will be used against me, but she can still randomly contact friends (my friend sent me a screenshot of a conversation with the BPD, asking me why she's contacting her)  I really just want it to all go away.

[babyoctopus]

 First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds super stressful and time-consuming. You sound like a caretaker and rescuer, which most gals would appreciate, good men are hard to find. However, your ex gf sounds like she's been controlling you through FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). Look it up on the boards to read what its all about. Its a common tactic and it can really wreak havoc in all aspects of the nonBPDs life, as you are discovering now.

Listen, you sound like a smart guy with a lot going for him. For crissakes whatever happens, make sure you ALWAYS are using reliable birth control. Can you imagine this scenario with your child involved? No.

Sounds to me like you need to find some new hangouts. Running into her constantly isn't helping matters. I know the pull of these relationships is strong, but for your own good you really need to stop engaging yourself with this woman- run don't walk is my advice. If you think its hard to get away now, imagine 1 year, 2 years, 3 years and 3 kids down the road... .it only gets worse, my friend. Its all up to you, though.

If you do decide to continue with her, make sure you have a good therapist and read all the books on the subject you can.
Good luck!

[publicdefender]

While I do miss "fake her", I can't see us ever talking again without her getting enraged.  Her ex husband made it clear that although he loves his two daughters, he hates the fact he had them with her and he's now tied down to her.

I just don't get why she is so openly angry after essentially breaking up with me through text message and telling people awful things about me.  Like most people on here I took care of her and treated her like a princess, and it went from condescending remarks to straight up attacks on my character, and I really want it to stop.

[Mavrik]

It will only stop if you disengage with her. Block her communications with you, phone, social media the lot.

Sadly whatever they say at the start of the relationships is not true, and IT WILL go wrong. It was a matter of time before she turned on you. And you went through the push and pull of the relationship, and she managed to charm you back in (that's what they do).

Her kissing the other man is a way to hurt you (mine slept with other men then told me how tired she was after all the sex she had).

You really need to step back and move away from this situation or it will drag you back again and again and the pain and hurt will continue.

She won't change, read all the posts on this forum and you can see the similarities of it all.

Even if she is telling your friends your stalking her ignore this as they know what she's like. If you challenge word will get back to her and she will continue. If you don't engage she will see it's not affecting you and will stop.

Your friends know what she's like so they won't believe her anyway

All the best with it and keep posting and offloading on here

[CorsaG19]

Im going through pretty much the same now. We were 'together' 6 months. I say 'together' because she would be really intense and want to be in a relationship together but all of a sudden i would be suffocating her and she wasnt ready for a relationship. At this point she would go off meeting other girls before coming back to me all depressed and feeling sorry for herself

She once said it was like she was driving on the motorway and she could see me in the distance and was desperately trying to get to me but there where all these cars around her crashing

She talked about moving in with me a lot and i finally gave in. She had been diagnosed with BPD (i wouldnt get back with her till she went to the doctor's as i thought she was bi polar). It went down hill from there. She made me redecorate... .

5 weeks it lasted. We had an arguement and i told her she was making me unhappy. 2 days later she has a new place 1 hour away. The last few days of her packing were horrendous. She turned physical. Accused me of hacking her facebook. Stalking her. She finally left after a massive physical fight

She made an excuse to see me a few days later. Apparenlty she had run out of petrol and forgot her bank card. She was near my house... .and hour away from hers?

Then my friend had a lunch and she attended. My fault for introducing them. She has no real friends of her own so has latched onto mine. She spent the day telling me about her new gf. All lies. Then wanting cuddles and kissing my next. How she wanted me blah blah blah.

Blocked her on everything and emailed her a nice email explaining how i cant do this anymore etc. Next thing i have a lot of missed calls. All rejected automatically by my phone. And then get an email telling me to stop hacking her facebook again or she will speak to the police about harassment. 3 days NC and i get another email last night saying she knows i have a letter addressed to her and i cant hold it from her. Another 8 missed calls.

So im the stalker. Harrasing her. Because i dont want to be her friend. We are the bad people because we wont do as they say!