Why the obsession with understanding post-breakup?

[justsomeone87]

Hi everyone, am new here but it is great to find a resource with so many people who have been affected by relationships with pwBPD. I never knew that these relationships often play out the same way.

I was with my wife (who has BPD) for three years. We had one child together. We broke up two months ago after she cheated on me. But in all honesty, I feel like the dumpee because she only cheated on me so that I would leave. She is incapable of breaking up with someone, so when she wants a relationship to end she makes the relationship intolerable to her partner until THEY leave.

One week before she cheated on me, we had an argument. During the argument she told me she wanted me to leave, and that she had something that would make me want to leave. She told me she was talking to a guy and was planning on cheating on me. We had a huge fight and it almost ended there. After the fight we talked and decided we wanted to try working things out. During the following week, she told me she loved me, was sorry and was impressed with how well I was handling everything. She also liked to bring up our long term plans (such as finding a house together) and we celebrated our child's first birthday and valentine's day.
After that week though, she came home from work dressed extremely provocatively. She also smelled like sex and came up with a bizarre story about where she went on lunch. She confessed to cheating very quickly... I left that night and told her it was over. She found a new BF about 2 weeks later, she did not have him lined up beforehand.

It is mind boggling to me why she acted like everything was OK. Now I see the signs that she NEVER gave up her plans to cheat on me, and was following through with them the entire week. Even though our relationship has ended, I am still STUCK with this obsession. The part that confuses me is that I thought they fear abandonment, but I feel she abandoned me.  I guess she hated me so much she discarded me before finding a replacement? I didn't do anything to warrant that kind of hatred, to the point that she tore our family apart. I guess this is why I am so obsessed with it all.

I don't want to get back with her. Since leaving I've realized how extremely abusive she was toward me. It is not even an option at this point because she is with her new BF. But I notice I still crave her attention and want her to WANT to recycle the relationship with me. I am guessing I am not at Acceptance if I still crave her attention. It's been so hard to get over her and I don't know why.

[heartandwhole]

Hi justsomeone87,



I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup. Infidelity is a very difficult betrayal to recover from. Add BPD into the mix just makes things even tougher, in my view. You've found a great place for support. Members here have been in similar situations and understand where you are coming from. The obsession with understanding is something most of us on this board can relate to. 

These relationships can be super intense, and recovery doesn't look like it does in a "normal" breakup. In my experience, it takes time, effort, and compassion to get the mind and heart (and body) back into balance. Be gentle with yourself as you grieve this loss. We're here walking with you.

When I first arrived here I felt shattered and confused. I felt depressed and didn't understand what I had just been through. This article helped me a lot :

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD

If you have time to read it, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

What is the situation with your child, justsomeone? Has anyone filed separation papers?

Keep posting. It helps to share.

heartandwhole

[redriver]

HI,
I totally get how you are feeling; I’ve been there and still am there some of the time. Mine was similar in the way it ended, after almost three years. Ws old one day it was over and she did not love me. We really had no fights or hard times. For the first time in my life I felt I had a person that understood me. We talked about bigger plan, while she was on the dating sites talking to potential replacements.
When you read the stories on this site it’s amazing to read HOW MANY of us have almost the same story that in some way makes me feel better, that I’m not alone. What I have found now to be the saddest part of t all. Is I felt I was at least worth a really conversation to say she wasn’t happy, and that she would at least try, not some vain BS half assed attempt.
Yours finding a new BF in two weeks, also must feel horrid. Mine as the same. Met new guy, and I was never a thought after that.

[justsomeone87]

HI,
I totally get how you are feeling; I’ve been there and still am there some of the time. Mine was similar in the way it ended, after almost three years. Ws old one day it was over and she did not love me. We really had no fights or hard times. For the first time in my life I felt I had a person that understood me. We talked about bigger plan, while she was on the dating sites talking to potential replacements.
When you read the stories on this site it’s amazing to read HOW MANY of us have almost the same story that in some way makes me feel better, that I’m not alone. What I have found now to be the saddest part of t all. Is I felt I was at least worth a really conversation to say she wasn’t happy, and that she would at least try, not some vain BS half assed attempt.
Yours finding a new BF in two weeks, also must feel horrid. Mine as the same. Met new guy, and I was never a thought after that.

Yeah. It just feels weird to be discarded so quickly and easily. Here I am going through the full grieving process for over two months still while she just forgot about me and replaced me like nothing. I don't understand how they are afraid of abandonment, but abandon so easily with no grieving process. I really did love her entirely and completely up to the moment I left.

The new BF is also twice her age and in his 50's. I mean I guess I could feel good that this relationship is doomed as all her past ones have been, but she is 26 and pretty attractive. She will have no shortage of codependents willing to fall for her for many years, and will just continue to leave a trail of broken hearts as she replaces them.

I also get caught up on whether or not she ever loved me. Is the initial lovebombing a genuine feeling that she shares, or just a tactic she consciously uses on her target? I thought it was love-at-first-sight since it seemed so real at the time.

[massagequeen]

wow! I feel releived I am not alone in this. I finally left my husband of 6 years 3 days ago and I am suffering big time. where to begin! and to top it off I just went through a year long custody battle that I am still waiting for a judge to decide based on my stable and complete family! We have a blended family . I have 2 boys ( with a horrible ex) he has one son ( whome I have raised full time as my own and is still with me) and we have a 20 monthold son together. Have you ever felt like the universe continues to crap on your life? this is me!
 This man is attractive , charismatic, romantic and the sex is so deep it cannot be discribed . I feel addicted to him. he has cheated numerous times victimizeing these other wemon along with me pretenting to be someone totally diffrent. he is a psycolgical liar and lies about things that do not even make a diffrence. He has drained our family resourses to date these woman and live the highlife while I scrimp and save wondering why we just cant make it by or get anywhere. this is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life and could loose my children at the same time. I lay in bed alot depressed. he constantly texts and calls telling me he will change and loves me. its like a romance novel. he has threatened to kill himself . he has started therapy and group therapy for general addiction and has sworn up and down he will stay in treatment his whole life in order to save the marriage. but this has happened many times before over and over. I crywe have sex he makes promises and strokes me telling me im the best thing tht ever happens and then I get sucked in again. I need to protect my children and my financial future at this point . we just sold a buisness and he will have it gone in no time. in the past I have cut off his access to money but he always figures out away to get at it. he has offered to hand all the assets and money over to make resititution and I'm going to run like hell to the nearest lawyer and write something up before he changes his mind.the sick part is I love this man my heart is ripped out of my chest but I cannot wait around looking over my shoulder and babysit this man the rest of my life. hehas put my health at risk on top of this . I am anxiety ridden and drink to cope withthe pain. myspirit is broken. I feel victimized and deceived. but I know he will never change and in order for me to get control of my life and problems I need to leave. I even hold out hope that if I leavehe may someday change and I can take him back a couple of years down the road but I know its not realistic. wemon flock to this man and he will find another very quickly and do the same to her. he has a way of makeing me feel I was the crazy one imagineing it all. Please help
me I need support. I am afraid he will say all the right things and I will take him back.

[justsomeone87]

wow! I feel releived I am not alone in this. I finally left my husband of 6 years 3 days ago and I am suffering big time. where to begin! and to top it off I just went through a year long custody battle that I am still waiting for a judge to decide based on my stable and complete family! We have a blended family . I have 2 boys ( with a horrible ex) he has one son ( whome I have raised full time as my own and is still with me) and we have a 20 monthold son together. Have you ever felt like the universe continues to crap on your life? this is me!
 This man is attractive , charismatic, romantic and the sex is so deep it cannot be discribed . I feel addicted to him. he has cheated numerous times victimizeing these other wemon along with me pretenting to be someone totally diffrent. he is a psycolgical liar and lies about things that do not even make a diffrence. He has drained our family resourses to date these woman and live the highlife while I scrimp and save wondering why we just cant make it by or get anywhere. this is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life and could loose my children at the same time. I lay in bed alot depressed. he constantly texts and calls telling me he will change and loves me. its like a romance novel. he has threatened to kill himself . he has started therapy and group therapy for general addiction and has sworn up and down he will stay in treatment his whole life in order to save the marriage. but this has happened many times before over and over. I crywe have sex he makes promises and strokes me telling me im the best thing tht ever happens and then I get sucked in again. I need to protect my children and my financial future at this point . we just sold a buisness and he will have it gone in no time. in the past I have cut off his access to money but he always figures out away to get at it. he has offered to hand all the assets and money over to make resititution and I'm going to run like hell to the nearest lawyer and write something up before he changes his mind.the sick part is I love this man my heart is ripped out of my chest but I cannot wait around looking over my shoulder and babysit this man the rest of my life. hehas put my health at risk on top of this . I am anxiety ridden and drink to cope withthe pain. myspirit is broken. I feel victimized and deceived. but I know he will never change and in order for me to get control of my life and problems I need to leave. I even hold out hope that if I leavehe may someday change and I can take him back a couple of years down the road but I know its not realistic. wemon flock to this man and he will find another very quickly and do the same to her. he has a way of makeing me feel I was the crazy one imagineing it all. Please help
me I need support. I am afraid he will say all the right things and I will take him back.

I feel like my wife was heading down the same path as your husband. She propositioned my friend about 6 months into the marriage and destroyed all trust back then. I forgave her and we stuck together, but it was tough. You know the saying, once a cheater always a cheater. In hindsight I should have ended the marriage back then, but I loved her.
She still emotionally cheated on me all the time, meeting people online and texting them. I only found out because one month I noticed she used 3000 text messages on the cell phone bill, and we do not text each other very much. Going into the bill details I could see many numbers I did not recognize, along with MMS/photos shared. She claimed it wasn't cheating because it wasn't physical and was just for attention. In my view, an affair is an affair even if it isn't physical (and it's possible it WAS physical cheating, because they were local numbers). She has lied about work, pretending to go in when she secretly called off. She is a compulsive liar. I think it is almost certain she physically cheated on me many times throughout the marriage. But I had no "proof" and she'd accuse me of being crazy/paranoid if I brought anything up. She'd also call me controlling and obsessive for looking at the phone bill (I am sorry, but seeing Text Messages used: 3000, jumps right out at you!). The incident when I left was overwhelming evidence and she admitted she "tried" to cheat on me but claims she was "catfished" and the guy never showed up. I do not believe her but it doesn't matter, attempted cheating is cheating.

I took all forms of abuse. Verbal, physical (she'd punch me in the head, kick in the legs, threaten me with knives, throw objects at me, grab objects and hit me with them, pinch, bite), and emotional. The ONLY boundary I had was not to cheat on me, and she crossed that one. I had to leave.
 
Like your husband, she always tried to make me out to be the crazy one. I do suffer from Bipolar1 Disorder,  but am on medication for it. One of the symptoms of Bipolar episodes is paranoia,  which was her favorite word to use against me. I have now learned what she did (making me feel crazy) is called gaslighting.

I put up with so much. She even made a false statement to the police which led to DV charges against myself. Cops were involved in one of her rages, and took statements from both of us. I lied and told them she did not attack me at all to cover for her because I did not want her to face charges... .She told them I pushed her and hit her! They arrested me and she became the "Victim".  In my opinion it was entirely a power grab for her, and triangulation to have a 3rd party formerly declare her a "victim".

I took a pleabargain on that because I did not have the resources to defend myself in court, and am still in a probation program today. It destroyed my career, and gave her full custody of my son. At the end of the probation the charge is supposed to be dismissed (deferred judgment), but it has been extremely difficult to find work in the mean time. And to top it off, after it happened she always criticized me for not being able to find a high-paying job, even though it is entirely her fault that I can't! I've had multiple high-paying job offers rescinded after they run the background check.  In fact I think it is the real reason she abandoned me - I was making good money before this incident, and now it is hard to even find a $10/hour job that will take me with DV Assault on my record.

I'll also mention, during the relationship before this happened she made repeated threats to call the cops and claim I hit her. I'd tell her that would be wrong to do, and she'd respond "well who are they going to believe? Me or YOU?". When she DID make the false statement, she apologized to me and told me she did it because she was "angry with me". I once brought up how wrong it was to do that in an argument and she flipped out and told me "Well I control how your case goes, so you better be ___ing nice to me". Which is true in this state, before a pleabargain can be offered by the DA the "Victim" has to give the OK.

CPS was also involved due to it being a DV call and found me guilty of emotional child abuse. Even today I have to kiss my ex's ass and am in the FOG because she has FULL CONTROL of custody of my son. It is horrible. She threatens to take away my son all the time if I don't give in to her demands. I am completely powerless to stop it.

Staying with her wasn't an option. I know she would have continued her cheating, as she didn't even show remorse or regret over it. Which puts me at risk of STDs and having a relationship with a woman who relentlessly cheats on me is one I am not interested in, even if it keeps the family together.

The hardest part about separating is seeing her in a new relationship already. I am not jealous, but I know how her relationships go and know it won't last more than 2-3 years. I also know eventually, she will be violent and raging and my son is going to witness it, if not be endangered by the fights. Yet at the same time I feel like I can't fight for full custody because of the DV Charge I have. No judge is going to award full custody to the unemployed, "abusive", Bipolar Dad over the employed Mom with a clean record.

It feels good to get this all out, since this is what I am really struggling with. I don't like to use the word evil but I really see her that way. She is always superficially nice, and is still polite and friendly to me now, but she is capable of doing really disgusting things. The mask she wears is so fool-proof, she comes off as the sweetest girl in the world, and it drives me insane now to see it when I know how ugly she is underneath it.


Sad thing is I still miss her in some ways, even though she destroyed every aspect of my life. I definitely am codependent, and realizing how abusive she is once I left her has made me realize I have serious issues to begin with if I put up with that abuse for so long. I am going to start therapy soon.

[massagequeen]

I feel like I have turned crazy and might have something mental wrong with me also. Do you ever feel like you drove them to it ? that if maybe you had met their needs better then they would not have done it in the first place? the weird thing is we had a very healthy sex life there were never even signs as he seemed to dote on me more while doing it. he is a wonderful father to my children and kind and loveing most times. I spend hours trying to figure him out to no avail.

[vortex of confusion]

Yeah. It just feels weird to be discarded so quickly and easily. Here I am going through the full grieving process for over two months still while she just forgot about me and replaced me like nothing.

Something to keep in mind is that there are times when they have been looking for an exit plan for a while and have grieved the relationship before ever ending it. I have been on both sides of that. With the ex, we had been married for 17 years when I kicked him out. He had been abusive and checked out and I had been trying to figure out how to get out and be able to support 4 kids on my own. Even though I had repeatedly tried to talk to him and tell him what I was wanting, needing, and feeling, he seemed completely shocked when I asked him to leave. I was the one that ended the relationship and it looked like I wasn't grieving.

I don't understand how they are afraid of abandonment, but abandon so easily with no grieving process. I really did love her entirely and completely up to the moment I left.

I think it becomes a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. In ex's need to be right, he would subconsciously sabotage things. It is really difficult for me to wrap my head around at times because I am looking at things through my lens. How could somebody do <fill in the blank> and not realize that it would be a problem? I still love ex. I have 4 kids with him. That doesn't matter because I refuse to be treated the way that he was treating me.

I still don't understand how he could do the things that he did. I still don't understand how he didn't think it would be hurtful to show me a picture of his latest love interest and tell me how great she was. Even though things were supposedly over between us, it still friggin' hurt to hear how great this other person is. He said a lot of great things about me too at one time. Then, I wasn't so great any more. I wasn't even good enough for him to have a little bit of sensitivity to the fact that it might not feel too good to have his latest love interest waved in my face.

A lot of the obsession for me came from the feelings of confusion from being in a situation where the actions and the words did not align. Those things tend to cause a lot of cognitive dissonance.

I mean I guess I could feel good that this relationship is doomed as all her past ones have been, but she is 26 and pretty attractive. She will have no shortage of codependents willing to fall for her for many years, and will just continue to leave a trail of broken hearts as she replaces them.

Why would you feel good about somebody else having a doomed relationship?

I have asked myself that question several times because I have seen ex go through a lot of different people that didn't hang around for long. Most of them didn't really get past the getting to know you phase. I don't know what ex's future looks like. I am trying to get to a point where what he does doesn't matter to me. I want to be in that place where I can be happy for him if he does happen to find a relationship. The truth is that I am not quite there yet. It seems super silly because I have moved on. I think that I find the fact that he is likely to have doomed relationships comforting because that means that perhaps it wasn't all me. It is a bit of an ego stroke for me to think that I am not the one that screwed everything up like he sometimes tried to get me to believe.

Is there a way to focus on what you are thinking and feeling without regard to her? I am not sure how to explain this. My being obsessed with him and his behave was a way to distract myself from feeling the hurt and pain. It was a nice little distraction. I would like to say that I have moved beyond that yet can't just yet. I still get hopping mad over some of the stuff that he has said and done and continues to say and do.

I also get caught up on whether or not she ever loved me. Is the initial lovebombing a genuine feeling that she shares, or just a tactic she consciously uses on her target? I thought it was love-at-first-sight since it seemed so real at the time.

Yes, she loved you. I have often had the same question. Did ex ever love me? He did. His idea of love is different than mine. Think about when a little kid gets a new toy. It is the greatest thing in the world and all they want to do is play with it and gush over it. They absolutely love the toy to the exclusion of everything else. Then, over time, they get bored with the toy and want a new toy. Or, they break the toy and the toy is no longer any fun. I sometimes feel like ex would have been happy as long as I was the happy little toy that did what he wanted/needed. Once I broke and lost the ability to be the perfect toy, I was no longer worthy of any effort.

I don't think it is a conscious thing at all. It stems from living in the moment and having their pain temporarily eased. When ex was telling me about one of his love interests, he was going on and on about how great she was and how they had a spiritual connection and how she inspired him and blah, blah, blah. It was easy for him to get swept up in those feelings. She didn't know him or see him for who he is. I remember a time when he would do that to me. Heck, when I told one of our kids about how things started out between me and their dad, her comment was, "Geesh mom, if he wasn't my dad, I would ask you why you didn't run. That sounds pretty creepy."

Instead of asking if that is a tactic she uses on her targets, perhaps it might be better to ask yourself why you were susceptible to it. Healthy relationships don't usually start off with the love bombing and obsessive type stuff. And, healthy people tend to raise an eye brow if somebody is being overly praiseworthy/love bombing.

[justsomeone87]

I feel like I have turned crazy and might have something mental wrong with me also. Do you ever feel like you drove them to it ? that if maybe you had met their needs better then they would not have done it in the first place? the weird thing is we had a very healthy sex life there were never even signs as he seemed to dote on me more while doing it. he is a wonderful father to my children and kind and loveing most times. I spend hours trying to figure him out to no avail.

Gaslighting can make you feel crazy when you actually aren't. Fleas can make you temporarily crazy. Or you could just have your own long-standing/childhood issues. I'd recommend seeing a psychologist.

And yeah, especially in the first few weeks after separation, all I could think about was every single mistake I made in the relationship. I felt responsible for her rages and infidelity. For example, one time she went on an 8 hour rage (more of a rampage). She didn't have her medicine that weekend and Sunday she lost it completely. I blamed MYSELF for not being more attentive and realizing that her prescription was low and needed to be refilled. But honestly, she is a grown woman and was completely capable of filling her own prescription when she noticed she was running low on meds. It was not my responsibility.

And the truth is, no one deserves to be cheated on. It is betrayal, it destroys the foundation of the relationship (trust), and a single incident of betrayal, if you choose to continue the r/s, can take years of recovery and genuine remorse from the partner who cheated. People with BPD genuinely aren't capable of feeling remorse, only regret. The difference between those two? Regret is "I did something that led to a negative consequence for myself", and remorse is "I did something that hurt someone else, and now feel guilt". Both lead to changes in behavior, however regret in someone with no empathy leads to "next time, don't get caught" while remorse leads to "don't let there be a next time". I knew that if I didn't leave, serial cheating was going to occur because accepting this incident would be a sign of no self-respect.

Lastly, disappointments occur in every relationship. Including healthy ones. What determines if a relationship is healthy or toxic is the response to disappointments. pwBPD will act out when disappointed. They may not even give a sign that they are disappointed and just hold it in, until they blow up or cheat or whatever they like to do to hurt you.

In a healthy relationship, you should take a timeout and discuss the need that wasn't met. The need itself may be irrational, or maybe it was rational but the other partner didn't realize it was a need. Each person's needs are different, and are based on their life's experiences.

For example. Let's say Susan and Johnny are a couple.
Susan wants to have lunch and she and Johnny agree to meet up at 1:00PM
Johnny is late and doesn't show up until 1:20PM. He doesn't text/call letting Susan that he is going to be late either.
Susan, who grew up in an environment where punctuality is important, is disappointed. She is further disappointed he did not warn her about being late and feels disrespected.
Johnny, who grew up in an environment where being late was no big deal, doesn't even realize Susan is disappointed.

Healthy Relationship:
Susan talks to Johnny and lets her know her feelings. She politely lets him know how important being on-time is to her, and that she grew up in a family where if you are going to be late, you let them know. Johnny apologizes for being late and says he did not mean to disrespect her, he just did not realize that was important to her and left the apartment later than expected. They end up in mutual agreement - Johnny will try not to be late in the future, and if he is, will call/text to let her know. The issue is resolved with no blowup or even an argument. Johnny is now aware of this need of Susans, and knows what to do if he is running late in the future.

BPD Relationship (Susan w/BPD, Johnny is the non)
Susan doesn't mention she is upset. They have lunch together but Johnny notices that Susan is distant, cold, and not making conversation. He doesn't mention it.
Later, the two are in the car together and he points out how distant she has been today. She blows up and rages at him, accusing Johnny of not even having the respect for her to show up on time and calls him an idiot for not leaving earlier. This enrages Johnny as well, because he had changed his plans to have lunch with her and is now being blown up on. He calls Susan a jerk.
Johnny leaves and they don't talk the rest of the day. The next day, they make up and she apologizes for calling him an idiot. Johnny apologizes for calling her a jerk and tells her he won't be late in the future. Everything is back to normal...
... except, the relationship has taken a hit. Johnny now lives in fear of being late, so as to avoid another blowup. He also took a blow to his self-esteem by being called an "idiot" by someone he loves. Meanwhile, Susan devaluates Johnny for both being late ("not attentive to my needs" and for calling her a jerk, which she will use to justify acting out in the future. And if Johnny is late for anything ever again, Susan's response will be magnified. He is not aware of the option of calling her to warn her he is running late because she did not make him aware of that.

This is why you can't hold yourself responsible for failing to meet their needs. Their needs are an endless black hole, and half the time they don't even communicate the need to you and expect you to read their mind. You don't become aware of a need that they have until you've failed to meet it and they are blowing up at you for it. Or they begin acting out in other hurtful ways (such as cheating).

[balletomane]

I feel like I have turned crazy and might have something mental wrong with me also. Do you ever feel like you drove them to it ? that if maybe you had met their needs better then they would not have done it in the first place? the weird thing is we had a very healthy sex life there were never even signs as he seemed to dote on me more while doing it. he is a wonderful father to my children and kind and loveing most times. I spend hours trying to figure him out to no avail.

My ex was diagnosed with BPD and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I used to feel that any problems we had as a couple were down to me not being supportive enough, and I thought that if only I learnt to handle his difficulties the 'right' way, our relationship would work out. He also used to accuse me of being crazy, lacking in self-awareness, manipulative, and emotionally abusive with such vehemence that at times I started to doubt myself and wonder if he was right, even though on one level I always understood that this was projection on his part. But it is easy to fall into this trap of self-doubt. To get out of it, try reversing your positions: would you expect your partner to take responsibility for your fidelity and commitment to the relationship? To make sure that you never cheated by anticipating all your needs and basically being 100% perfect? I doubt it. Justsomeone is right - your ex's cheating is in no way your fault, and there is nothing different you could have done to prevent it.

[justsomeone87]

So I started NC with her the past few days. Today I received a barrage of angry, abusive texts from her blaming her current situation on me (her finances have turned into a mess since I left), and asking for my help so that she doesn't end up homeless. FOG kicked in and I offered to help in any way I can, when she suddenly texted me "He is a deadbeat father who threatens to kill me and makes me beg him to watch his own son on the weekends to allow me to work". Followed by "Sorry, that text wasn't meant for you. But now you know the hell I am going through!".

Every thing she said in that text is libel. I am not a deadbeat dad, I never threatened to kill her, and I am super happy to have my son on the weekends and always offer to watch him additional days when I can because I love him. I understand the Drama Triangle, professional victimhood, and smear campaigns, but those are some seriously hurtful lies to spread about me.

Anyway, since this happened I have no longer ruminated on her. I see her for what she is now, and no longer crave her attention. It was the shock I needed to realize how monstrous she really is. I withdrew my offer of support and told her not to contact me any more.