Concerning or overreacting?

[Alayne]

I need an outside perspective from parenting friends.  This is all new to me and I don't know if I should consider this incident concerning or a function of me being hyperaware.

For background, I'm realizing that my husband is a high functioning BPD.  We have an 18 m.o. and twins on the way.  I love the guy, but while I simultaneously work on our relationship, I'm having to evaluate the risk his outbursts might pose to our kids.  He is NOT physically violent.  (He was physically abused by his father.)  He does throw things or slam doors.  In our day-to-day parenting, he is the fun parent and I'm the structured/boundary-setting one.  He's acknowledged that he needs to be firmer on discipline (such as it is for a toddler).

This morning, he was coloring with our squirmy son, who must have been pushing the papers around and generally trying to climb onto the table.  My husband shoved the papers and crayons to the floor and said, without any heat or anger, that that's what happens with the papers go on the floor and we can't color like that, etc...   He then picked them up and let our son decide what he wanted to do next.

Honestly, my heart was in my throat when it happened.  I've seen my husband clear entire desks when in a rage and it brought back ugly memories.  Unlike those times, however, he sounded in control - not yelling, not angry, just trying to make his point clearly.  In that it worked: our son was subdued for a few seconds before rebounding.  I don't think it's the right technique for communicating with an 18 m.o., but I also know that my husband is practicing being firmer and it takes some trial and error to find the right balance (hell, I know I haven't found it yet.)

So: does this go in my "I'm worried about my BPD spouse" category or under normal parenting mishaps? I love that he tried. I love that he was in control.  I hate that the action mirrors something he does when raging.

Thanks much, always.

[takingandsending]

Hi Alayne.

I have S11 and S6 with uBPDxw. Discipline of our boys has been an ongoing challenge, particularly as my xw often applied discipline arbitrarily depending upon her emotions. So, here's what I think but don't know: there is no one perfect approach to discipline, whether BPD or not. In the best light, discipline is teaching boundaries, and what I have learned from this community and website is that boundaries only work when they are applied consistently, resonate with what we truly believe, and are not punitive but rather loving.

Your h was trying to create a boundary for your toddler. You have a question: was he doing so out of what he believes or as a reaction to what he was feeling about your son's behavior? If you want to encourage him to be better at discipline, see if you can help him find two things that really resonate with him. Start by applying consistent boundaries around those two things.

All too often, the disordered parent is reactive and leans toward punitive response to children upsetting their emotions. That's what my xw did and does with my sons. For me, I learned, too late, that I had to step in to protect my sons. I always thought it would get better, but it got worse. As my T told me, my xw does not have the capacity to act as an adult when she in dysregulated, so I have to be the responsible adult. In this case, doesn't sound like your h was dysregulated. But you are right to watch. It is all too easy to be in FOG and not act on behalf of the little ones who can't act. Would you consider discussing healthy boundaries with your husband using SET? You can try to dialog it on this board.

Hang in there. Your instinct is probably telling you right.