Getting back my dignity - breaking the attachment

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So it is over 5 weeks now since I went no contact with my exBPD married lover. She made contact in the early hours of Monday morning with just three words, 'Thinking of you.' It started a spiral of emotion in me which resulted in messages, texts and three phone calls from me to her, all of which went unanswered.

Thanks to this site and the insight from the members here, I am able to dismiss all of my out of control emotion as a blip on the road to recovering my dignity. By responding to this woman I am simply giving her power over me. Her modus operandi has always been long periods of silent treatment and I now must now do likewise. Permanently.

I am a man with a strong personality and am in the public eye from my work. I get kudos and respect from people all over, and yet I allowed this woman to treat me as if I am worthless. Why did I do this? I justified it in my own head as a desire for sex. I didn't care what I went through as long as I ended up in bed with this beautiful femme fatale.

Well no amount of sexual intrigue is worth losing one's self respect and dignity and that is what I am clawing back now. I feel stronger than before this recent contact because the trauma of yesterday has given me a new found determination to be rid of this abusive poison from my life.

My exBPD has waif and hermit traits and the helpless maiden act she played out triggered my rescue fantasies for this alleged damsel in distress. The short lived love bombing phase consisted of us meeting in hotels for sex and her demanding, 'Are you mine?' That kind of co-dependent relationship was irresistible to me as I watched my parents play out the same anxious attachment to each other. Then the devaluing and silent treatment started, followed by her ghosting in and out of my life, with one lie after another about where she had been.

I confronted her with the truth yesterday. I told her in my messages that I didn't believe her husband found out about me and I said I am aware that her behaviour is consistent with BPD. We had these conversations in the past and now I confronted her again with this reality. It was met with silence and I believe she is fearful of me exposing her face to face (or even on the telephone) for who she really is.

Given that I have burst the bubble of fantasy, I don't expect to hear from her again. Other members on here disagree and say she will definitely try to make contact further down the line. If she does, then the words of Velvet Underground and the voice of Nico will come to mind:

Here she comes, you better watch your step
She's going to break your heart in two,
It's true It's not hard to realize
Just look into her false colored eyes
She builds you up to just put you down, what a clown
'Cause everybody knows (She's a femme fatale)
The things she does to please (She's a femme fatale)
She's just a little tease (She's a femme fatale)
See the way she walks
Hear the way she talks
You're put down in her book
You're number thirty seven, have a look
She's going to smile to make you frown, what a clown
Little boy, she's from the street
Before you start, you're already beat
She's gonna play you for a fool, yes it's true
'Cause everybody knows (She's a femme fatale)
The things she does to please (She's a femme fatale)
She's just a little tease (She's a femme fatale)
See the way she walks
Hear the way she talks

You can heed this musical warning by listening here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8LHZldVLvA

Does anybody else relate to this song? Do you feel you now have your dignity back?

[RomanticFool]

So it is over 5 weeks now since I went no contact with my exBPD married lover. She made contact in the early hours of Monday morning with just three words, 'Thinking of you.' It started a spiral of emotion in me which resulted in messages, texts and three phone calls from me to her, all of which went unanswered.

Thanks to this site and the insight from the members here, I am able to dismiss all of my out of control emotion as a blip on the road to recovering my dignity. By responding to this woman I am simply giving her power over me. Her modus operandi has always been long periods of silent treatment and I now must now do likewise. Permanently.

I am a man with a strong personality and am in the public eye from my work. I get kudos and respect from people all over, and yet I allowed this woman to treat me as if I am worthless. Why did I do this? I justified it in my own head as a desire for sex. I didn't care what I went through as long as I ended up in bed with this beautiful femme fatale.

Well no amount of sexual intrigue is worth losing one's self respect and dignity and that is what I am clawing back now. I feel stronger than before this recent contact because the trauma of yesterday has given me a new found determination to be rid of this abusive poison from my life.

My exBPD has waif and hermit traits and the helpless maiden act she played out triggered my rescue fantasies for this alleged damsel in distress. The short lived love bombing phase consisted of us meeting in hotels for sex and her demanding, 'Are you mine?' That kind of co-dependent relationship was irresistible to me as I watched my parents play out the same anxious attachment to each other. Then the devaluing and silent treatment started, followed by her ghosting in and out of my life, with one lie after another about where she had been.

I confronted her with the truth yesterday. I told her in my messages that I didn't believe her husband found out about me and I said I am aware that her behaviour is consistent with BPD. We had these conversations in the past and now I confronted her again with this reality. It was met with silence and I believe she is fearful of me exposing her face to face (or even on the telephone) for who she really is.

Given that I have burst the bubble of fantasy, I don't expect to hear from her again. Other members on here disagree and say she will definitely try to make contact further down the line. If she does, then the words of Velvet Underground and the voice of Nico will come to mind:

Here she comes, you better watch your step
She's going to break your heart in two,
It's true It's not hard to realize
Just look into her false colored eyes
She builds you up to just put you down, what a clown
'Cause everybody knows (She's a femme fatale)
The things she does to please (She's a femme fatale)
She's just a little tease (She's a femme fatale)
See the way she walks
Hear the way she talks
You're put down in her book
You're number thirty seven, have a look
She's going to smile to make you frown, what a clown
Little boy, she's from the street
Before you start, you're already beat
She's gonna play you for a fool, yes it's true
'Cause everybody knows (She's a femme fatale)
The things she does to please (She's a femme fatale)
She's just a little tease (She's a femme fatale)
See the way she walks
Hear the way she talks

You can heed this musical warning by listening here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8LHZldVLvA

Does anybody else relate to this song? Do you feel you now have your dignity back?

[Doughboy]

Well I was feeling pretty good until I read those song lyrics... .

Now the shame for falling for her tactics, twice, and accepting the blame, twice, is back, .

[RomanticFool]

Hi Ox,

I'm sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. I totally empathise as I am going through similar. I have fallen for my exBPD's tactics a thousand times over during the past 14 years.

I posted the lyrics so that we may all see that the infamous phrase 'femme fatale' could have been (and perhaps was) created with a BPD person in mind. I do not feel shame at what I have endured, just regret at the time I have wasted on these children in adults bodies. We deserve so much more. Those of us who have love to give are entitled to receive it without having our hearts constantly put through the wringer.

I was told many years ago by a wise man that if a relationship doesn't fulfil your emotional needs then walk away from it. I used that mantra as my guide in my twenties but then as I got older and became attached to a series of dysfunctional women, I forgot about self care and my own healthy standard. I swapped it for a couple of depressingly negative women who were simply not worthy of the love I had to give. Or if we are going to be charitable, were not healthy minded enough to recognise a good man when they saw one.

I take responsibility for allowing myself to be in that situation. Probably through watching my parents play out a push/pull relationship I came to view this as normal loving behaviour. I didn't know that love should be about mutual nurturing and respect and a genuine interest in other people.

All of us on this site have suffered at the hands of people on the borderline of psychosis - and frankly not all of them are on the borderline of it. Indeed the lack of empathy that is a feature of the borderline personality disorder, is shared with sociopaths and psychopaths.

Their behaviour has left us all traumatised and feeling rejected because they are not healthy, well adjusted people. They reject any duty of care towards others because they are incapable of making that emotional connection. There is a big empty void where their emotional lives should be. They fill this void with their own selfish needs and wants without a thought for anybody else, because they are not able to think of others. If I wasn't suffering so, i would pity my exBPD lover. As it is, I owe it to myself to take the rose tinted glasses off and see her behaviour for exactly what it is: self centred, scheming, lacking in empathy or any kind of duty of care, erratic, distancing, depressive, angry and after 14 years deeply deeply boringly destructive. Yes BORING.

Who wants to constantly give their heart and soul away to somebody who is incapable of doing anything other than trampling all over it? We scold children for throwing tantrums and being selfish, I don't see why we should let these people off the hook. I don't feel shame about this because I was the only adult in the relationship.

I now want to live a healthy fulfilling life with a woman who wants more than simply filling her empty void with a series of men blinded by her beauty. My journey now is to get on with things and steer clear of these human vampires who drain us of our life blood and joi de vivre.

Good luck to you.

[Doughboy]

Their behaviour has left us all traumatised and feeling rejected because they are not healthy, well adjusted people. They reject any duty of care towards others because they are incapable of making that emotional connection. There is a big empty void where their emotional lives should be. They fill this void with their own selfish needs and wants without a thought for anybody else, because they are not able to think of others.

Mine will be filling her time with her kids, her students (inner city so they have "real" problems, and her Church.  She has many ways to avoid her own feelings of "empty".

Has been 50ish days since I have seen her, 32 since she ended things with the ultimate block, 25 since we last talked, and 15 since she sent a nasty text that instigated the no contact.  I know this is such a short period of time but it is painful.

Like many others I do not see her ever reaching out again but apparently I am wrong.  It will take her quite a while to develop that longing with all of her other things to occupy her.

[RomanticFool]

Once again, I empathise with your pain, but at the moment forget about what she is doing and concentrate on YOU.

Is there something in your relationships with your parents (possibly mother) that has co-dependent elements to it? Was the nurturing you received growing up erratic? Do either of your parents have BPD traits?

In my own background, my father was absent when I was young as he was in the Air Force and used to be stationed away from the family. My mother often left us kids with her relatives when going out shopping and this probably led to abandonment issues. When my father returned, their relationship was tempestuous to say the least and my mother was often moody and temperamental. One thing I remember is that she would often eat chinese food in front of us when they could not afford to buy it for the whole family. I don't know if something as simple as this could engender low self esteem and self worth issues in me. However, I do know that I came to see constant arguing and divorce threats as normal behaviour.

You need to heal yourself. Make a decision that you are happy with no contact and commit to it as soon as you are able to. I know you have had no contact for a while but you seem to be waiting for her return. Close that door shut. Whatever promises were made in your relationship cannot be given any validation because you are an adult and she is a child. Whatever insults she aimed at you and attacks she made on your character were because she does not have the emotional maturity to see things from your point of view or the capacity to take criticism. Like a child she will either love you or hate you - no grey area. You cannot have a grown up relationship with a child.

Once you see the relationship in those terms, you can see the futility of hoping for a better outcome. You are much better advised to heal yourself and when you are strong enough, begin a relationship with a woman who is emotionally capable of having an adult relationship. There are plenty of them out there.

The best way to overcome feelings of powerlessness is a life well lived. By going about your business and leisure and finding things to do that interest and excite you and with time, you will heal. Once you have detached from her, I promise you that you will wonder how you ever allowed her to have such a firm hold on you when you knew deep down how unhealthy the relationship was. I have been told that the goal in the this situation is indifference.

Be good to yourself. You are not to blame. You have been deceived by a child in an adult's body. A BPD is not capable of empathy and so the best thing you can do is find somebody who is. Until then, we are all here for you.

[Skip]

Hey RM,

I can feel your pain and your anxiety. You are asking yourself some hard questions and I encourage you to stay that course.

I think it might help to take a step back on how you are reacting right now... .possibly even over reacting.  Sometimes we do self-defeating things to ourselves.

We all did immature things in our relationship, we want to stop that streak in our recovery and do it as soon as we can. Admittedly, the hurt and anxiety make it hard, so it's one step at a time, even if small steps.

She made contact in the early hours of Monday morning with just three words, 'Thinking of you.' It started a spiral of emotion in me which resulted in messages, texts and three phone calls from me to her, all of which went unanswered.

It started a spiral of emotion in me which resulted in messages, texts and three phone calls from me to her, all of which went unanswered I confronted her with the truth yesterday. I told her in my messages that I didn't believe her husband found out about me and I said I am aware that her behaviour is consistent with BPD. We had these conversations in the past and now I confronted her again with this reality. It was met with silence and I believe she is fearful of me exposing her face to face (or even on the telephone) for who she really is.

You need to let this go. I rarely suggest to members to change phone numbers or email, but I do suggest it here. You need to block yourself from any future contact. Download her old emails and pack hem away with her personal stuff. Block her access to you. Nothing good can possibly come from it at this point.

And not to be alarmist, but people get killed for staying in contact with the wife. This could get worse, fast.  And you could also lose your wife in this and in a painful way.

You are not the first guy to get caught up with someone in an affair. Most that do get hurt badly. Affairs feel like intense romances, but they are more fantasy than reality for the partner who is still married. They are supplementing the marriage. And even if you both left the spouse (unlikely), these relationship has very low success rates, and the likelihood of future infidelity are very high.

I now want to live a healthy fulfilling life with a woman who wants more than simply filling her empty void with a series of men blinded by her beauty.

I allowed this woman to treat me as if I am worthless. Why did I do this? I justified it in my own head as a desire for sex. I didn't care what I went through as long as I ended up in bed with this beautiful femme fatale.

Is this part about her, or about you? She was not fully emotionally available (or legally available), the likleihood of a divorce and sustained monogamous relationship was very low,  and "good looking in bed" is not the basis of a romantic relationship.

Who is responsible for the blindness? Her? You?

Skip

[RomanticFool]

Hey Skip,

Thanks for your message.

I think it might help to take a step back on how you are reacting right now... .possibly even over reacting.  Sometimes we do self-defeating things to ourselves.

I agree that I am over reacting. I had a part to play in the dysfunction of this relationship. I can be emotionally volatile when wronged.

We all did immature things in our relationship, we want to stop that streak in our recovery and do it as soon as we can. Admittedly, the hurt and anxiety make it hard, so it's one step at a time, even if small steps.

I am probably trying to rush my recovery as I have been in so much pain I just want it to stop.

You need to let this go. I rarely suggest to members to change phone numbers or email, but I do suggest it here. You need to block yourself from any future contact. Download her old emails and pack hem away with her personal stuff. Block her access to you. Nothing good can possibly come from it at this point.

Agreed. I think she has actually blocked my phone number as she forbade me to contact her by phone as her husband allegedly found out about us. I will block her on phone and also WhatsApp just in case.

And not to be alarmist, but people get killed for staying in contact with the wife. This could get worse, fast.  And you could also lose your wife in this and in a painful way.

I live in the UK where guns are not so prevalent and we live in different cities, so it is highly unlikely that this would result in murder. If anything she is scared of me, not due to violence, i am not a violent man, but she thinks I am angry and aggressive. At least that is how she has always painted me. However, if my wife found out about it, I would definitely lose her and that worries me.

Affairs feel like intense romances, but they are more fantasy than reality for the partner who is still married. They are supplementing the marriage. And even if you both left the spouse (unlikely), these relationship has very low success rates, and the likelihood of future infidelity are very high.

I think the fantasy of us ending up together has fuelled this relationship for years. We are both married but the fantasy existed mainly in my head. She never gave me any reason to think we would end up together, quite the opposite. I think you told me before that BPD relationships have a 99% failure rate. That statistic has sobered me up about this relationship!

Is this part about her, or about you? She was not fully emotionally available (or legally available), the likleihood of a divorce and sustained monogamous relationship was very low,  and "good looking in bed" is not the basis of a romantic relationship.

Who is responsible for the blindness? Her? You?

I think in all honesty it is my blindness. When she came back into my life 5 years ago, I think she wanted to be friends. It was me who pushed the sexual element. However, the closer we became the sex would have happened anyway as we had a history. The fact of the matter is I have had an obsessive sexual attraction to this woman ever since we first met. It was so bad that I felt I couldn't be near her without the desire to rip her clothes off. I used to tell her it was painful to see her without sleeping with her. She never made any comment about that, except than to say that I needed my eyes tested as she viewed herself as ugly. She has the worst body dysmorphia for a beautiful woman. She told me that in her 20's she thought herself beautiful, as she grew older she began to hate herself. Given that this started when she was only early 40's I always felt it was more than the usual fading butterfly. In fact, I bought her a ring with a butterfly on it to illustrate how beautiful I have always found her.

To be honest, I think if I had wanted a relationship without sex, she would have been fine with it. However, when the sexual relationship did start up again, we had fantastic chemistry. She would then lovebomb me and get me to reassure her that 'you are mine.' There came a period of time when she would go abroad with her husband and be desperate to hear from me. One time she asked me to call her in Vegas (we both live in the UK) which I did. Everything was going well until her brother died and she started drinking again (we had both been sober for 10 years at that point).

Alongside her drinking came ghosting and abuse and I eventually detached from her. During this time her father died and she rang me several times crying down the phone. Of course, I was loving and sympathetic to her. Around this time she announced she was cutting all her hair off because women in ancient tribes would do this when their lover had deserted them. Bearing in mind I was dying to see her, I suffered deeply. Then she rang me from a gig in London telling me she missed me. Six months later she contacted me saying she was going to rehab with her son, who also has drink and drug issues and from what she has told me, I think he has BPD. Like her, he often complains of feeling empty and is suicidal. She told me she was going to rehab so we could have a future.

I supported her through rehab and then when she went into AA. We rekindled our passion during this time and she seemed happier than I'd seen her. However, she let it slip that she went to the London gig with another man, though she swore blind there was nothing going on, she just wanted the company. This was the beginning of the end because I never trusted her after that. More ghosting started and I began to challenge her behaviour. She works for a well known suicide prevention charity doing telephone service and the endgame started after I told her she was a disgrace to that organisation because of the way she treated me. It was not long after that I walked away.

So that is the history. I have a big part to play, but I felt it was her that always ended up destroying things. You may think differently.

[publicdefender]

I'm beginning to believe it really is our issues.  The BPD person can get into a relationship with pretty much anyone, until, A. The other person gets so done with the BPD's issues they break up with the BPD, or
B. There is something in the relationship that despite how bad it gets, the person sticks around until the entire bottom falls out and the BPD leaves.

For me, my therapist pointed out that my mom was very much hands off except when she needed to do something then it was very logical.  There was very little emotional comfort coming from her.  In fact, during one of my breakups, instead of hugging me and telling me it'll be okay, she gave me a xanax and told me to find a way to get over it.  Then here comes this person who gives at the beginning everything they have, and even during the devaluation phase she still gave little hits of that.

And maybe we share a little bit of the emptiness inside that they do, though not nearly at the same extreme - we have a crack or flaw that they cover.  And I hate to say this but after seeking therapy and getting on anxiety and depression meds I feel more like a fully formed human being than I did before.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Publicdefender,

I have long thought that I have either BPD or NPD traits. I have behaved badly myself in relationships in the past. I have issues around addiction and attend AA and often feel empty inside, not to mention I have temper issues, though I have done alot of work on these. My sponsor told me that I seemed to lack any sense of guilt towards women I have wronged and only feel crushed when I became emotionally involved with someone. I have often been derailed by my emotional life, especially after being dumped.

However, where I differ from a BPD is that it once took me 10 years to get over a broken relationship and even though I have been known to do rebound relationships in my youth, these days I need to heal before getting involved again. Though when I was younger I went from one relationship to another as I hated to be alone. Is that Co-dependency or a personality disorder?

In mitigation of any PD, I am a fairly normal human being otherwise. I don't have a turbulent life outside of relationships. I have stayed way too long in other relationships because I didn't want to hurt the other person, rather than because I needed the company. Is that evidence of empathy or co-dependency?

Then I start to think, many non BPD women have behaved cruelly towards me. Let's face it, most people do when they are splitting up with somebody. The danger with this kind of thinking is that I could then start to normalise BPD behaviour. At least with my exBPD I had the most passion I have ever experienced in a relationship. She may be a selfish sociopath but when it was good, it was like love heroin and I crave it.

I am not a misogynist in any way, shape or form, but I do resent the consensus that sees middle aged men as 'saddos' for wanting a strong sexual relationship and the expectation that in order to obtain this we should be: tall, dark, handsome, solvent, athletic, no baggage (you've read those dating ads, right?) etc etc etc.

My point is that I have suffered at the hands of many non women because I fall short of society's template for what a man should be. This is an important point for me because it was exactly what drew me to my BPD. She didn't care about any of that, she just needed me to tell her she was beautiful every day. NO THAT ISN'T ENOUGH TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP - before anybody criticises me - but my point is that in the early stages she did at least make me feel valued before the carnage started. And YES, it was carnage and NO, I don't want to go back to that. But my disillusionment with my dating partners probably led me into the arms of this crazy Goddess.