Fresh devastation by a BPD mother

[Red Clay Rambler]

Hello,   

Recently I have moved back to the city I grew up in order to be closer to my family. I have shocked myself by living with my mother for 6 months while I saved some money and looked for my own place. Although my mother has not been diagnosed to my knowledge, my own therapist once told me she sounded like she had BPD from my description of her. Everything I read about BPD seems to confirm this, minus the suicidal ideations (as far as I know.) I think it also extremely likely that my mother also has Histrionic Personality Disorder, as well.

For two months now I have had a solid daily meditation practice, just to try to get through this. But it is not enough. At this point I am so deeply triggered that I'm desperate to get out of here, but trying to make sure I don't make a bad decision about housing that I will then be stuck with.

Nothing, but nothing, I do with her seems to ultimately work. I know from long experience that I cannot be my authentic self with her, so as soon as I'm in her presence I shut down, because it's painful to me not to be authentic. During that time I find myself so angry sometimes I can barely keep a lid on it. I have a visceral response to get away from my mother, which takes a lot of energy to override. Finding myself feeling absolutely exhausted all the time. And then when I ever dare try to have a truthful conversation with her, she rages and goes into victim mode and accuses me of cruelty. There is no real, mature accountability from her, ever.

And it's been so confusing, because she's always had these big, histrionic, demonstrations of love, that can pass for love for a long time. But if I dare to challenge her idea of me with any authentic emotional realities that she doesn't like, right back to the rage and victim mode.

Honestly, it kind of feels like an all or nothing thing here. Like, either I get dragged down into her insanity and her constant neediness, or I just break ties altogether. I so want to do the latter, but have always been afraid to, and she is masterful at guilt trips. I still feel guilty, all these years later, although she was the one who abused me as a child (which she still resolutely denies.)

Maybe I'm stuck at trying to figure out a way to have a normal relationship with her, or even quasi-normal. That is so clearly impossible, and yet I keep trying. Being here in her space is reopening old wounds that are so painful I can barely function right now, which is jeopardizing the new business I have started. 

Comments welcome!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Red Clay Rambler:  
Welcome to the community!
Congrats on your new business!  That has to add some stress in your life right now.  Sorry about your situation with your mom and your history of abuse.  

I am so deeply triggered that I'm desperate to get out of here. . .Nothing, but nothing, I do with her seems to ultimately work. I know from long experience that I cannot be my authentic self with her, so as soon as I'm in her presence I shut down, because it's painful to me not to be authentic.  

Can you share what you mean by not being your "authentic self"?  I think to some extent, most of us act a little differently, depending on where we are.  The workplace can pose some restrictions on how we act.

We can't change someone who has BPD or BPD traits, but we can make things better if we use certain skills and techniques to manage the way we interact with and react to the person with BPD.  Certain communication skills can enhance your emotional IQ and can serve as tools for life.  They can be used in a business environment/workplace and with friends (as well as dysfunctional family members).

The reality is that with a person with BPD (pwBPD), you can reduce the amount of walking on eggshells, but most people will likely still be walking on eggshells to some degree. Most nons won't likely have the normal mother/daughter relationship they would like to have. (at least on a consistent basis).

I find myself so angry sometimes I can barely keep a lid on it. I have a visceral response to get away from my mother, which takes a lot of energy to override.  And then when I ever dare try to have a truthful conversation with her, she rages and goes into victim mode and accuses me of cruelty. There is no real, mature accountability from her, ever.

Maybe I'm stuck at trying to figure out a way to have a normal relationship with her, or even quasi-normal. That is so clearly impossible, and yet I keep trying. Being here in her space is reopening old wounds that are so painful I can barely function right now. Honestly, it kind of feels like an all or nothing thing here. Like, either I get dragged down into her insanity and her constant neediness, or I just break ties altogether. I so want to do the latter, but have always been afraid to, and she is masterful at guilt trips.

Are you in therapy at the current time?  You may have to RADICAL ACCEPT her for who she is and do your best to minimize the impact on you.  Is your father in the picture, or was your mom living alone, before you returned home?  

Hopefully, you aren't working your business from your mom's house?  It has to be overwhelming for you to be staying there right now.  Can you spend as much time as possible away from your mom?  Perhaps, find ways to occupy your time elsewhere?  Maybe, at another relative's home, a friend's home, gym, park, etc.  You do have your goal to get your own place.  That is something to focus on and look forward to (some relief in sight).  I'm thinking that once you move out, you won't be around her as much and might have an easier time with setting boundaries.

It can be helpful to set some BOUNDARIES with your mom.  Boundaries are for your benefit and are up to you to consistently enforce (your mom won't likely like them).  DON'T INVALIDATE is a strategy that can make things easier for you.  It's important to NOT invalidate your mom's feelings.  That doesn't mean that you agree with her position on something, or even agree with what she is feeling.  Validating feelings is merely acknowledging that someone feels a certain way.  

Have you tried using boundaries and validation with your mom in the past?  It can take some practice to feel comfortable with using those skills.  If you click on the "green words" above, it will take you to some articles or workshops.  Check them out and let us know what you think.  There is also, a large green band at the top of the page, with a "Tools Menu". There are links to more helpful information there.

[Charlie3236]

Hi Red Clay Rambler and welcome! You have definitely come to the right place, and you seem to have a pretty good awareness of your own feelings and reality. I totally second what NaughtyNibbler has said, these are great techniques that will be very valuable IF you choose to keep mum in your life. Everyone here is at various levels of contact with their BPD loved ones, and there is no judgement in that at all. But the guilt is always the BIGGEST obstacle when deciding on how much or little contact is healthy for you. With my BPD little sis I've found that very low contact seems to work best, as well as firm boundaries in how she is allowed to talk to me. Like: "I'm not going to let you treat me this way. If you continue I will leave." Then I actually have to leave and/or block her phone contact. It's stupid and childish, but it's been the only way to keep her in my life and not lose my sanity.

There are great tools and insight here, we are here for you! Best wishes!