Joint physical custody with uncooperative BPDstbexw

[DaddyBear77]

As I'm having open discussions regarding divorce with my high functioning uBPDw, it has become very clear to me that we disagree strongly on custody arrangements. pwBPD thinks that sole physical custody with no overnights is best for D3, very soon to be D4. On the other hand, I feel that creating two homes and sharing physical custody in a nearly 50/50 fashion would provide the best outcome.

I've read studies that say that 50/50 is looking like the better choice. I've also read that when the two parents can't cooperate then it's better to favor one parent.

My question is: when you went through your divorce, how many of you (fathers in particular) asked for 50/50 in the face of your stbx holding an adamant position of "sole custody is best"?

[DaddyBear77]

... .and to clarify, this isn't a family law question. I'm sure an attorney would help me go in whatever direction I decide.  I'd really like to know what the outcomes are for your children and if you feel it was best to do whatever it was you did.

[SettingBorders]

DB, you HAVE to go for 50/50. Your Ex Wife is so unstable she won't teach you daughter how to solve problems, consistency, good manners or how to deal with feelings. Your daugther needs you as a role model!

How involved have you been in childcare so far? Create continuity. If you have cared 20 percent, you start with 20 percent, if it was 70, you go on with 70.

Go for nothing less than 50/50 on the long perspective and set up perfect circumstances for that. I mean: find a good flat/house/appartment that is close to her daycare facility and her friends (if you don't have already), make sure you have quality time for her when she's there, etc.

[DaddyBear77]

Thank you SettingBorders - I fully intend to seek 50/50 or as close as possible. I already provide 30% - 50% time now so this would be consistent.

My question is more of an anticipatory question:

How do I deal with / protect D3 when I already know that getting 50/50 will be a massive battle, resisted every step of the way by uBPDw?

[david]

Document the time you have now. It will be a great help in court. 30% - 50% is a wide spread and you should narrow that down. If it is close to 50/50 the courts will probably go with 50/50 and it would be up to opposing counsel to show the courts why that is not a good idea. Document what you do when the kids are with you. Showing you are an involved parent goes a long way in court.

[Panda39]

My SO was initially EOW (every other weekend) and Wednesday dinners and went for 50/50.  When the divorce was done he ended up with over 50% M-F and one weekend a month.  His divorce was final 2012 and in 2015 both daughters voted with their feet and moved in with him full-time due to some messed up stuff their mom did to them.  They were 9 and 13 when their parents separated and are now 16 and 20 so not as young as your daughter. 

But I agree, you have to go for it.

You will never get 50/50 if you don't try... .fight for your daughter, live an alternate life, set a different example... .

Panda39

[Turkish]

When my ex was still living with me,  she communicated that the kids (then D1 and S3) would be better with her.  I reacted: I said I'd sell the house and liquidate my 401 (k) if she tried for more than joint custody. It was a bluff, mostly,  but she saw I was serious.  Over the subsequent months,  I was able to negotiate joint custody with little drama. 

[GaGrl]

DB, I just saw another post where you indicated that your wife is anorexic. You have complications on top of complications.

Your best move might be to go for full custody with a psychological and custody evaluation ordered (for both of you, to show you have nothing to hide). Get it all out there for professionals who can support what is best for the children.

[insideout77]

It's very hard to beat the EX-Bbd in court one of the best ways is actually scaring her that  you can and will. I did the same and and lined up all the financial support to fight to the end for 50/50. We also threatened that if it went to court we would actually try for 90/10 , essentially pointing out to her and her attorney that they were rolling the dice and it may go either way unless they settled. Ofcourse they did and I have 50/50 final .

[Skip]

I already know that getting 50/50 will be a massive battle, resisted every step of the way by uBPDw?

Then it is a family law thing.

Document the time you have now. It will be a great help in court. 30% - 50% is a wide spread and you should narrow that down. If it is close to 50/50 the courts will probably go with 50/50 and it would be up to opposing counsel to show the courts why that is not a good idea. Document what you do when the kids are with you. Showing you are an involved parent goes a long way in court.

I wholeheartedly agree with david. It sounds like you are headed for a contested custody situation... .try to reach an agreement with your wife, but be prepared for the long game.

Some of the factors the court considers when determining the best interests of a child include, in your state (NJPS 9:2-4c):

    The parents' willingness and ability to communicate effectively and cooperate with each other on matters related to the child

    The wishes of the parents as to the custody of the child and each parent's willingness to accept custody

    Whether or not there has been a history of a parent's unwillingness to allow parenting time to occur, so long as the prevention was not based upon abuse

    The bonds and relationships between the child and each parent and any siblings

    Whether or not there is any history of domestic violence, and if so, whether or not the domestic violence is likely to present a danger to the safety of the child or the other parent

    The wishes of the child as to custody, provided the child is old enough and has the capacity to make a mature decision

    The needs of the child and whether or not a parent is able to meet those needs

    The safety, security, and stability of an offered home environment

    The quality of the child's education and whether or not disrupting or continuing the educational situation would have an adverse or positive effect on the child

    The moral fitness of the parents

    The geographical proximity of the parents' home to each other and the child's school

    The amount of time each parent spent with the child prior to and after the separation, and the nature, quality, and extent of that time

    The employment schedules and responsibilities of the parents

    The age of the child and the number of children the parents have

    Any potentially negative conduct of a parent shall not be considered unless that conduct would have a substantially negative effect on the child

[scraps66]

I asked for 50/50 joint legal and physical custody... .and in retrospect should have asked for full custody and seen where that could have gone.  My ex came up with screwy plans like switching every two days between house, or, "you can see the kids as much as you like," as if it was strictly up to her.

My motivation was simple, limit the amount of time ex would have with the kids to the greatest extent possible and realistically.  I got that, without hardly trying and I feel as if ex knew if I went further she would run the risk of losing shared custody as the court would have had no choice but to get everything out in the open, custody evaluation, psychological evaluations, etc.  In her mind she would conceded to shard custody - and then do whatever the hell she wanted.  My mistake, sort of, was not backing her off and filing for full custody being the rational and not crazy parent.  I'm not so sure it wouldn't have cost the same in retrospect.

My advice, stop trying to discuss these things with her.  History probably tells you that she will want to do the opposite of what you suggest regardless of any blatant benefit to the children.  So stop.  It becomes her not allowing you to get what you want.       

[SettingBorders]

DB: Now I understand what your question was about. :-) I am at the same point, somehow. So this threat is very interesting for me as well.

Many of the peers adviced you to use force (get an advocate, try to get as much parenting time as possible, full custody, financial blackmail ect.). I want to challange that, because it might escalate the fight even more. In ":)on't Alienate the Kids" the adviced strategy is to seek moderate solutions. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216244.0)

I'd like to know why you think that force and fighting back is smarter? You really get more out in the end? Is it really best for the kids? Isn't there a chance this would backfire?

[Panda39]

SettingBoarders,

Everyone's situation is different.  In my SO's case his uBPDxw could be neglectful and her living situation was unstable. 

IE: she didn't drive, evicted 3 times during the divorce, couch surfed, lived in hotels until she bounced a big check to one and is now a convicted felon, pulled daughter out of freshman year of high school for a year to "home school" which translated into no school, failed to get medical and dental care for the kids when they needed it... .the custody evaluator called the house disgusting (dog feces on the livingroom floor)... .

So that is why my SO fought for 50/50 (ended up with more), to provide as much stability and care for his daughters that he could.  Even that didn't protect their daughters from their mom's dysfunction... .but it did give them a place to land when things hit the fan with their mom.

Daddybear has a young child and things seem to be working out okay as things stand now, however IMO you don't want to gift away time with your child 50/50 is fair and reasonable.

Panda39

[Sluggo]

DaddyBear,

I asked for a custody evaluation and it was the best 20K I spent.  It was 76 pages and took 6 months.

It acknowledged: 
1.  wife has personality disorder
2.  wife distorts reality
3.  wife is unable to see husband as a parent with any value. 
4.  The kids are under emotional abuse with wife.
5.  50/50 recommended but with condition if further alienation continues, then full custody for father. 

That eval was released in November, and since, the alienation is getting worse and wife not able to follow orders is getting worse.  Custody evalualtor just testified last week in court that she recommends full custody for me.   

I have no idea what the judge will decide.  However, the eval gave me the '3rd party opinion' of our relationship.  It had a positive affect on me that I was not crazy, and that yes my marriage was compromised by the above.  It empowered me.  It gave me back some of my self worth as a parent and a husband that had been peeled away over the 18yrs. 

[SettingBorders]

SettingBoarders,

Everyone's situation is different.  In my SO's case his uBPDxw could be neglectful and her living situation was unstable. 

IE: she didn't drive, evicted 3 times during the divorce, couch surfed, lived in hotels until she bounced a big check to one and is now a convicted felon, pulled daughter out of freshman year of high school for a year to "home school" which translated into no school, failed to get medical and dental care for the kids when they needed it... .the custody evaluator called the house disgusting (dog feces on the livingroom floor)... .

So that is why my SO fought for 50/50 (ended up with more), to provide as much stability and care for his daughters that he could.  Even that didn't protect their daughters from their mom's dysfunction... .but it did give them a place to land when things hit the fan with their mom.

Daddybear has a young child and things seem to be working out okay as things stand now, however IMO you don't want to gift away time with your child 50/50 is fair and reasonable.

Panda39

Hello Panda39,

I did not mean you. I think that 50/50 IS a moderate solution. I did not have 50/50 solutions in mind when I wrote my posting, but I meant some suggestions that DaddyBear should fight for more.

To fight for more than 50 percent of time with one's child, is very close to what I am currently feel I should do, altough it contradicts some of my ethic principles and I fear that it could cause my ex to disregulate more. So by challanging these thoughts I hope to find out some reasons and - maybe - justifications. In my case, my uBPDx wants 50/50 and I want 70/30 with our daugther who is still a baby. I am all the time fighting with doubts if forcing 70/30 is realy the best way to help my child. Because this DOES escalate the conflict.
Anyway, I didn't want to offend anyone, I am just chewing some ideas over and over and try to consider them from every ancle. Sorry if what I wrote did offend anyone.

[DaddyBear77]

I didn't intend for this to become a Family Law thread. I really thought there was a valid question regarding what's best for the children. But in retrospect, it appears that the nearly unanimous consensus here is
1. 50/50 if pwBPD's issues are manageable / do not appear to be affecting the children to a clear, documentable degree, but
2. Ramp up request / demands from there to FULL custody when/if it becomes clear(ly documentable) that the pwBPD has crossed that line.

Is that a fair summary?

Daddybear has a young child and things seem to be working out okay as things stand now, however IMO you don't want to gift away time with your child 50/50 is fair and reasonable.

This is exactly right - things ARE working out AS THINGS STAND NOW, but I am absolutely certain that my ability and competency as an equal parent will be attacked.

It sounds like you are headed for a contested custody situation... .try to reach an agreement with your wife, but be prepared for the long game.

So, let me be clear - MY position is firm - equal parenting time - and I will fight for and defend that position with everything I have.

My pwBPD has already made it clear she will oppose this from the start, so my instructions to my attorney(s) (still shopping) are - be prepared.

I'd like to know why you think that force and fighting back is smarter? You really get more out in the end? Is it really best for the kids? Isn't there a chance this would backfire?

SettingBorders - I know this question wasn't necessarily for me but I think I have somewhat of an idea of an answer.

Divorce, and specifically the Family Court process here in the US, is an adversarial process - this is fully discussed in  Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

I wouldn't call it "fighting" per se, but taking an "assertive" approach is the only way, I believe, that things will go well (i.e., in favor of the non). We can expect our pwBPD to blame, make (false) accusations, and just generally be persuasive.

Custody evalualtor just testified last week in court that she recommends full custody for me.

Sluggo, congratulations on what you've been able to accomplish - your situation seems to be VERY clearly one in which things have skewed toward full custody vs 50/50

[Skip]

So, let me be clear - MY position is firm - equal parenting time - and I will fight for and defend that position with everything I have.

My pwBPD has already made it clear she will oppose this from the start, so my instructions to my attorney(s) (still shopping) are - be prepared.

Remember, attorneys are implimenters, you are the CEO. You can set tone and you have to gain their respect to keep that tone.

"I will fight to defend that position" is a philosophy that will get your crushed in family court - either financially or custody wise. I think the most effective strategy is "I will show the court how beneficial it is for my daughter to spend 50% of her time with me".

This is not about beating your wife - it is about winning over the judge.

Subtle difference? No. Don't focus on her position - learn what the judges are looking for are start being every bit of that right now. Establish that you spend at least 50% of the parenting time with here and that it is beneficial to her.

[david]

Judges want both parents to agree to a settlement. If that doesn't work a parent needs to convince a judge why their proposal makes sense for the child and is also not punishing to the other parent just for the sake of winning.

[Skip]

Judges want both parents to agree to a settlement. If that doesn't work a parent needs to convince a judge why their proposal makes sense for the child and is also not punishing to the other parent just for the sake of winning.

Well said.

[RedPill]

Okay. I've read through this thread twice to absorb it well. I agree with DB's general assessment re: 50/50 vs. Sole Custody depending on pwBPD's ability to effectively parent. I am in a similar situation and could use some guidance. To briefly recap: ustbxBPDw initiated surprise divorce proceedings in the end of April. In conversation, she said our D14 (almost 15) should have equal time with both parents. I agreed. However, her legal Petition for Divorce asks for Joint Legal Custody and Sole Physical Custody. I was planning to ask for Joint Legal and Physical Custody, but should her request change my position? I posted this question on the Family Law board but have not gotten any input yet. Feel free to continue the conversation over there.
Thank you!

[insideout77]

I don't see why it should change, but it should be part of an overall winning strategy! Do you have a good lawyer who is familiar with BPD ?

[livednlearned]

I didn't intend for this to become a Family Law thread. I really thought there was a valid question regarding what's best for the children.

I think people are responding with FL feedback because what is best for children in low-conflict divorces is different than what is best for children in high-conflict divorces. Most of the research I've looked at doesn't distinguish between low and high conflict and/or mental illness in one or both parents.

It might be more beneficial to read literature about children raised by BPD parents and the effects to help shape your thinking on what's best for your kids.

But in retrospect, it appears that the nearly unanimous consensus here is
1. 50/50 if pwBPD's issues are manageable / do not appear to be affecting the children to a clear, documentable degree, but
2. Ramp up request / demands from there to FULL custody when/if it becomes clear(ly documentable) that the pwBPD has crossed that line.

Can you tell us a little about your ex's issues and how they impact the kids?

Maybe we can help you brainstorm some ways to approach this.

[DaddyBear77]

Can you tell us a little about your ex's issues and how they impact the kids?
Maybe we can help you brainstorm some ways to approach this.

Thanks livedandlearned. First of all, I'm preparing to file but haven't done so yet. Im treating this as a stbx because that's the direction, but the courts are not actually involved. Yet.

The issues I face are:
1. Between mom and dad: Constant discord, arguments, fighting, dysregulated rage (not directed at D3 - yet).
2. False accusations of abuse, including allusions toward me emotionally abusing D3. uBPDstbx is so invested in this concept that she's working with a women's crisis center in lieu of actual therapy.
3. D3 is being isolated from extended family. Arguably this is a minor issue currently, but D3 will soon ask about Daddy's mom and dad and I suspect this will lead to confusing unnecessary alienation
4. There are signs of narcissistic abuse already aimed at D3. One example: D3 wouldn't snuggle with Mom. Mom said "either snuggle with me now or I'm leaving the room without tucking you into bed." D3 stands ground. Mom leaves room. D3 breaks down in tears and comes to me for comfort.

There's more stuff along the lines of 4 above, and it's so hard to keep track and list out all the subtle and not so subtle things happening here.

Does that give more clarity to the situation?

[livednlearned]

Mom said "either snuggle with me now or I'm leaving the room without tucking you into bed."

Poor D3

You mentioned in your original post wanting to protect D3 from alienation, and behaviors like what you mention above.

What are some of the things you are already doing? When D3 came to you in tears, how did you comfort her? You may already be doing things instinctively. There are a few skills that can increase emotional resilience in kids, and they are not always intuitive. We can walk you through some of these skill sets if you aren't already familiar with them. The parental alienation stuff can be a real head bender  

[DaddyBear77]

You mentioned in your original post wanting to protect D3 from alienation, and behaviors like what you mention above.

Yes, parental alienation is a real risk but currently it's only threats: "When D3 comes to me when she's older I'm going to tell her how awful you've been to me" ":)3 needs to know how you treat me so she knows not to let other men treat her this badly" - things like that. Again, those are just threats now possibly without teeth, but I'm preparing.

What are some of the things you are already doing? When D3 came to you in tears, how did you comfort her?

My number one goal is to isolate D3 from as much of the mommy/daddy "adult conversations" as possible. D3 will say "are you done having your adult conversations yet?" Or "Please don't have an adult conversation now!" I've read our lessons here on how it takes two to argue and I get that, but all too often uBPDstbxw won't let it drop. All in all the prospects for cooperative parenting seem extremely low.

When D3 comes to me after mommy has done her rejection thing is to hold her and say, as honestly as is appropriate for a 3 year old, "Mommy isn't feeling well. She loves you very much and so do I. Would you like to... ." and I try and redirect her while giving her a hug and trying to soothe her.

I'd love to get feedback and direction on what's best here. I know we've gone a ways off the original topic so if it's time to split this off that's fine with me.

Thank you livedandlearned and thank you everyone else for your help here.

[Swiggle]

When D3 comes to me after mommy has done her rejection thing is to hold her and say, as honestly as is appropriate for a 3 year old, "Mommy isn't feeling well. She loves you very much and so do I. Would you like to... ." and I try and redirect her while giving her a hug and trying to soothe her.

I'd love to get feedback and direction on what's best here. I know we've gone a ways off the original topic so if it's time to split this off that's fine with me.

Thank you livedandlearned and thank you everyone else for your help here.

One thing that stuck out to me in your above example is telling your DD that Mommy isn't feeling well. She loves you very much. If your DD is rejected by her mom she may actually feel that she isn't loved. Telling her "Mommy loves you" may be invalidating the way she feels and she might not understand why she feels one way but you are saying the opposite.

I read the book "The Power of Validation" a long time ago and honestly I need to reread it as I don't think I always do a good job of this. If the above situation happened maybe you could frame like this. DD comes to you after rejection from Mom. You could say "It must be hard when mom does xyz, I love you and am here for you". Give her snuggles and hugs then maybe redirect her. You words at that point would be validating the way she is feeling and that will teach her to trust herself and her feelings. As parents we want to take away our kids pain and sometimes I think we do that in an invalidating way. It is great that your DD has you!

[david]

I second Swiggle. It isn't easy to do at first but eventually I learned that skill. It wasn't something I even thought about when ex and I were together.

[livednlearned]

Yes, parental alienation is a real risk but currently it's only threats: "When D3 comes to me when she's older I'm going to tell her how awful you've been to me" ":)3 needs to know how you treat me so she knows not to let other men treat her this badly" - things like that. Again, those are just threats now possibly without teeth, but I'm preparing.

One way to handle a threat like this is to ask D3 (whatever age she may be), how she felt when mommy said that. Chances are, D3 will have a new point of view to consider: her own. She may begin to realize that when mommy tells her you were being mean to her, D3 feels bad hearing that. It sounds like D3 is feisty   and has a sense of what she does/does not like. Getting her to reflect on how she feels when mom says inappropriate things may help her build personhood, a great antidote to BPD alienation tactics. An excellent book to read is I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms. I found the section on validating questions to be essential for helping my child develop emotional resilience.

My number one goal is to isolate D3 from as much of the mommy/daddy "adult conversations" as possible. D3 will say "are you done having your adult conversations yet?" Or "Please don't have an adult conversation now!" I've read our lessons here on how it takes two to argue and I get that, but all too often uBPDstbxw won't let it drop. All in all the prospects for cooperative parenting seem extremely low.

Have you tried repeating yourself over and over when this happens? "I will not discuss this in front of D3." I found it ridiculous and awkward at first, but after a time came to see that repeating myself sometimes a dozen times was the only way to minimize the gale force winds coming my way. This is only if you cannot physically remove yourself from the conversation, which is probably preferable (but not always possible). My T referred to this as turning myself into a stop sign. It's still a target, but it's a silly one. Who argues with a stop sign?

Oh, right... .BPD loved ones do

At least you can model for D3 how to deal with an irrational angry person, which is to not engage and have at the very least a verbal boundary.

When D3 comes to me after mommy has done her rejection thing is to hold her and say, as honestly as is appropriate for a 3 year old, "Mommy isn't feeling well. She loves you very much and so do I. Would you like to... ." and I try and redirect her while giving her a hug and trying to soothe her.

Her mom just said something terrifying to her child. You want to let D3 process the feelings and validate how she feels. "How did that make you feel? I would feel scared if someone said that to me. Want me to hold you right now? I'm here for you."

Otherwise, you start to train her to think that the terror she experiences when her mom rejects her is somehow lumped in there with love. It isn't.

Try to not tell D3 whether her mom loves her or not. The truth is, D3 gets to decide that for herself. Figuring out whether her mom loves her is going to be a lifelong trial for her. It complicates things when another trusted adult labels those behaviors as love.

You can only assure her that you love her, and demonstrate that love with actions that match the words.

Validation is going to be your best response to alienation and you are so fortunate to discover it this early when D3 is young.

[Sluggo]

DaddyB67,

D3 is being isolated from extended family. Arguably this is a minor issue currently, but D3 will soon ask about Daddy's mom and dad and I suspect this will lead to confusing unnecessary alienation

It may seem minor as it did to me but it got progressively worse like an alcoholic gets worse over time.  In my situation, the alienation started with my mom (8th year -18yrs of marriage), my siblings (13th- 18th year), my dad (17th - 18th year).  It unfolded over the last 10 years of my 18 year marriage.   

Now Since filing for Divorce 15 months ago, that alienation has extended to me their father with 5 of my 8 kids.  Only the kids below 8 yrs and younger have still have not been alienated.

Alienation is painful experience and an emotionally abusive experience for the kids.  Dr. Craig Childress has some good videos and books on Attachment bases parental alienation . 

Sorry to hear all you are going through. 

 

[ForeverDad]

... .we disagree strongly on custody arrangements. pwBPD thinks that sole physical custody with no overnights is best for D3, very soon to be D4. On the other hand, I feel that creating two homes and sharing physical custody in a nearly 50/50 fashion would provide the best outcome.

The issue of 50/50 comes up frequently.  More and more states are leaning toward more equal schedules but that doesn't make it right for everyone.  Take a look at yourself, you stayed with the marriage for years, you really tried to make it work.  That is typical of us Nice Guys and Nice Gals.  But our overly fair or overly nice intentions, though natural inclinations for us, may not be appropriate in high conflict divorces.  Understand well that court will make sure your spouse's rights as a parent will be well monitored, you can let go and let the court ensure a measure of 'fairness'.  What I'm saying is that if you're too fair or too nice, it won't impress the court much at all.  While you shouldn't be vindictive, callous or retaliatory, you should (for the most part) forget about being 'super fair' and make the priority what is best for you and especially your children.

Your spouse wants you to have no overnights.  Yuck!  In short there is no basis for "no overnights" to be imposed upon you by an order unless there is solid basis for it.  Generally that would be if there was substantive child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment.  If that is the claim then, yes a parent may be blocked briefly while the professionals investigate the claim and report back to the court whether that claim or concern rises to the level of being 'actionable'.

A child's young age is not a factor to block overnights.  For example, a mother may claim "I'm breastfeeding, father can have only a few hours at a time!"  However, millions of nursing mothers are divorced or go to work every day and aren't around their children.  The obvious solution is to pump their breast milk, freeze or refrigerate it and hand it over at the child exchanges.

So, in short, a preschooler should not have overnights with the other parent blocked without valid basis.  For your spouse to demand no overnights is unreasonable and should be rejected by you.  What is reasonable?  It depends on your state court's laws, policies and procedures.  My county has an online Guideline for parenting schedules.  It's not fixed in stone, the court doesn't have to follow it but it does reference overnights as standard for all ages.  It lists children under three to have frequent exchanges, every few days including at least some overnights.  Children three and older have less frequent exchanges but do get regular overnights and alternate weekends.  A common schedule until they are preteens that works well with school is a 2/2/3 equal-time schedule where one parent gets Mon-Tue overnights, the other parent gets Wed-Thu overnights and then each parent gets alternate Fri-Sat-Sun overnights.  Older children may have even less frequent exchanges with the non-primary parent perhaps getting as little as alternate weekends and an overnight in between.  As I said, those are the 3 age ranges given as examples in my county — and supported by my Custody Evaluator — and likely elsewhere as well.

Yes, that's a lot of Family Law talk, sorry, but it gives you an idea what you can find on the Family Law board.

When D3 comes to me after mommy has done her rejection thing is to hold her and say, as honestly as is appropriate for a 3 year old, "Mommy isn't feeling well. She loves you very much and so do I. Would you like to... ." and I try and redirect her while giving her a hug and trying to soothe her.

One thing that stuck out to me in your above example is telling your DD that Mommy isn't feeling well. She loves you very much. If your DD is rejected by her mom she may actually feel that she isn't loved. Telling her "Mommy loves you" may be invalidating the way she feels and she might not understand why she feels one way but you are saying the opposite.

I read the book "The Power of Validation" a long time ago and honestly I need to reread it as I don't think I always do a good job of this. If the above situation happened maybe you could frame like this. DD comes to you after rejection from Mom. You could say "It must be hard when mom does xyz, I love you and am here for you". Give her snuggles and hugs then maybe redirect her. Your words at that point would be validating the way she is feeling and that will teach her to trust herself and her feelings. As parents we want to take away our kids pain and sometimes I think we do that in an invalidating way. It is great that your DD has you!

I agree with this better approach to validation. With some overall awareness, practicing in your head beforehand and constructive validation, you'll do well.