Separated, wife recently moved out

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

I've been on these forums before a few times over the past 7 years of my relationship with my now estranged wife. We have broken up and gotten back together again numerous times, once when she moved out for a year, but we started seeing each other again after 4 months and most recently ... .for the past year I carried the burden of being the only one truly giving anything into the relationship. Finally she met another guy who she connected with as they both have childhood sexual assault in common and within a week she moved out without warning. She took everything of value and used force and friends to enable it. Fortunately she left the whitegoods and furniture, but cleaned out mostly everything else, especially any and everything that had any link to the children who she has essentially kidnapped.

I have been in contact with the school my children go to (ages 5 and 6) and they were unenrolled days after she moved out and have not been reenrolled in another school for nearly 4 weeks now - I also haven't had any contact from my kids in as long.

After she seemed satisfied that she had all the posessions she wanted, she broke into the hhouse when I wasn't home and took even more things, including the Television and some of my power tools. So I organised an intervention order at the courts and the hearing is in a week.

She stopped taking her medication about 6 weeks ago and manic symptoms graudually increased until it became obvious to me: for example, she was delighted at how much energy she had for only sleeping 1 to 2 hours a night; she bragged about giving herself orgasms with the power of her mind and she claimed she had been completely healed of all mental illness by God.

I have reported all this and more to our Child Protection services, who have been giving me the run around the whole time.

I have been seeing a counsellor and a psychologist, both who have been good.

As you are probabiy familiar with, my wife blames all of her misery and depression on me and believes her new state of mania is the real her and as such has slandered my name and made everyone believe I am domestically violent. When she came to take posessions, she deliberately baited me into a conflict and recorded me losing my temper, which I rarely do - she beelieves this is sufficient evidence. My counsellor believes differently, so I have that support.

I saw a solicitor and they said I already done all the best things I could (staying in the house after cleaning it dramatically - it was left in a state of squalor), continuing to make mortgage repayments, persisting with Child Protection and he advised against filing for divorce as she will probably do it and incur the costs herself. Our home is in arrears, so there is no equity. My wife told me to find somewhere else to live because I will be getting an eviction noticie and she will be selling the home. My solicitor believes that won't happen. Thoughts?

How can I defend myself against all the character assassination moves? She even has my old friends on her side after continually sabotaging our friendships.

Cheers

[Polymorphed]

Hi,

I've been on these forums before a few times over the past 7 years of my relationship with my now estranged wife. We have broken up and gotten back together again numerous times, once when she moved out for a year, but we started seeing each other again after 4 months and most recently ... .for the past year I carried the burden of being the only one truly giving anything into the relationship. Finally she met another guy who she connected with as they both have childhood sexual assault in common and within a week she moved out without warning. She took everything of value and used force and friends to enable it. Fortunately she left the whitegoods and furniture, but cleaned out mostly everything else, especially any and everything that had any link to the children who she has essentially kidnapped.

I have been in contact with the school my children go to (ages 5 and 6) and they were unenrolled days after she moved out and have not been reenrolled in another school for nearly 4 weeks now - I also haven't had any contact from my kids in as long.

After she seemed satisfied that she had all the posessions she wanted, she broke into the hhouse when I wasn't home and took even more things, including the Television and some of my power tools. So I organised an intervention order at the courts and the hearing is in a week.

She stopped taking her medication about 6 weeks ago and manic symptoms graudually increased until it became obvious to me: for example, she was delighted at how much energy she had for only sleeping 1 to 2 hours a night; she bragged about giving herself orgasms with the power of her mind and she claimed she had been completely healed of all mental illness by God.

I have reported all this and more to our Child Protection services, who have been giving me the run around the whole time.

I have been seeing a counsellor and a psychologist, both who have been good.

As you are probabiy familiar with, my wife blames all of her misery and depression on me and believes her new state of mania is the real her and as such has slandered my name and made everyone believe I am domestically violent. When she came to take posessions, she deliberately baited me into a conflict and recorded me losing my temper, which I rarely do - she beelieves this is sufficient evidence. My counsellor believes differently, so I have that support.

I saw a solicitor and they said I already done all the best things I could (staying in the house after cleaning it dramatically - it was left in a state of squalor), continuing to make mortgage repayments, persisting with Child Protection and he advised against filing for divorce as she will probably do it and incur the costs herself. Our home is in arrears, so there is no equity. My wife told me to find somewhere else to live because I will be getting an eviction noticie and she will be selling the home. My solicitor believes that won't happen. Thoughts?

How can I defend myself against all the character assassination moves? She even has my old friends on her side after continually sabotaging our friendships.

Cheers

[jonmnemonic]

I'm not sure where you live and what the local laws are but where I am if both people are on title then both signatures are required to list a property for sale and to sign any subsequent sales contract.

You can't stop her from smearing you and I wouldn't waste any time defending yourself against her attacks.  I know it's frustrating and you feel the need to defend yourself.  Coming from personal experience, it really isn't helpful.  People are going to believe what they will.  How you conduct yourself is a reflection of your true character and is more important than what your wife says about you.

[insideout77]

How can I defend myself against all the character assassination moves? She even has my old friends on her side after continually sabotaging our friendships.

I'm sorry for the pain you must be going through. Give it sometime and do not believe any of her threats. She has a total nutty sense of power and while she believes it , you don't have to go for it. She will not be able to sell the house if your name is on it.

 Try to look at it as she has taken an express train out of your life with all of her disordered friends on the train with her. you are beyond blessed my friend and you don't even know it yet. 

 

[ForeverDad]

I'm not sure where you live and what the local laws are but where I am if both people are on title then both signatures are required to list a property for sale and to sign any subsequent sales contract.

You can't stop her from smearing you and I wouldn't waste any time defending yourself against her attacks.  I know it's frustrating and you feel the need to defend yourself.  Coming from personal experience, it really isn't helpful.  People are going to believe what they will.  How you conduct yourself is a reflection of your true character and is more important than what your wife says about you.

I agree that her sense of entitlement is overblown, unless she is the sole owner of the property, she probably can't sell without your approval or the court's order.

There's a statement often made here, don't let your ex be the one giving you legal advice.  It is sure to be biased against you and intended to discourage you.  Get the real thing from family law attorneys or solicitors.

You have to be a virtual angel, you already know she will frame you to overreact and record it.  (Hmm, if you can record, then I would expect you can do the same.  However, historically courts have avoided listening to recordings but the agencies and professionals who work around the court probably can.  I've viewed it as a special type of insurance, a way to protect myself from some of the allegations, and having proof I am not the one behaving poorly helped me sleep a little better.

As for her smearing you with libel, slander or even allegations, you do have to defend yourself in the legal scenarios.  If it does go legal, never make plea deals lightly, they usually are a way for perps to admit 'less' guilt in exchange for court to move on to the next case.  If you're not guilty of anything bad, then don't plead guilty to lies.

However, JM's advice is generally sound if it is dealing with smearing that does not involve legal action.  This is probably "sour grapes", Blame Shifting, perhaps trying to make you look worse than her.  You may have to respond to certain claims but be careful not to be seen as bickering, tossing spitballs at each other.  She may act like a three year old but you need to weigh your actions and reactions judiciously.