My husband

[anniejo777]

Hello.  This is my first post. Wow.  I had no idea something like this existed.  So, I've been married for going on 6 years and I have no idea where to even begin.  It's been tough, verbally abusive at times and I"M ALWAYS THE ONE AT FAULT!  I have been the one at fault for every SINGLE issue we've had. I accept it because I've learned how to "stop the bleeding". I don't have the energy to fight him so, i just let him yell at me and pray it's over soon. I used to fight back but, that stopped years ago.  He has crazy mood swings and one day he loves me to death and the next it can change in an instant.  It's always about all the changes I have to make. Never once is it him.  He won't acknowledge there is anything wrong with him.  If i even suggested it, it would be world war III.  His mom is very mentally ill. Bi-polar and schizophrenic.  I wonder if he has BPD and bipolar/schizophrenia.  So, the toughest part of all of this is, i'd leave but, 3 years ago, my brother went missing and we presume he was murdered although him and his car were never found.  I've been in very heavy grief which just compounds all this and I lost my mom shortly before my brother so, I feel very, very, very alone in the world and honestly, i don't make enough money to leave or even bring up the idea of separation,  It's also very convoluted with things being "fine" for months at a time.  Sometimes the blow ups only happen twice a year but, that's mostly because I don't speak up, I'm not being who I really am.  It;s not right.  No-one should live like this.  Marriage should not feel like this,  I know this is not right, I just don't know what to do... .I guess that's a start for me...

[Overseas1899]

Hello anniejo,
I am so sorry to hear of your brother and mother. Have you spoken with a Therapist to help you with some of this?  You are grieving - for your mother and brother, and also for the relationship that you thought you were going to have.
Re your husband:  know that you are not alone. Read, read, read. Knowledge is power. Read Stop Walking on Eggshells. I was angry for a long time but that started to change when I started to use some of the tools in that book. I found it a little surprising when I would try a tool and it would work! 

[JMJ]

I admire your bravery in posting, as I haven't done so yet. I'm in a similar situation, with different complicating factors, and just want to let you know that you're not alone. The extended periods of near normalcy are bewildering to me, and leave me doubting myself.

[Happy outside]

My husband treats me the exact same, so you are not alone. I too have learned to keep my mouth shut and pray that the episode ends quickly.

[DaddyBear77]

anniejo777 - welcome to the BPD family. I am really glad you found us.

First, I wanted to let you know, your story is VERY familiar to a lot of us here. If you've been reading, you'll see a very similar issue in the post I put up a few days ago, where I also talk about not being who I really am. You'll find that sentiment repeated many times here.

For me, there are three really important things I've learned:
1. Excessive blame is a hallmark of BPD. You are far from alone here.
2. I do NOT have to accept the blame, especially not in an "all or nothing" type manner. In particular, I can trust my intuition, my gut, and when it says "something isn't right about what he/she's saying" - it usually isn't.
3. There's absolutely NOTHING we can do to STOP the other person from thinking it's all our fault.

That last one is big - SO big, in fact, we have an acronym for it - JADE - you can read about it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=228111.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280750.0


As for the part where you're stuck, yeah, I can see that you're in a very difficult spot. I'm really sorry to hear that. I know in a lot of communities, there are free or low-cost resources that can help you start thinking about an exit plan, and start you on the path of building a support network. Feeling alone in the world is horrible, but finding those connections outside of our relationship with a pwBPD is really important. That's something I'm personally working on, too.

I'm glad you found us and I really look forward to hearing more about you and what's happening.

~DaddyBear77