Saw DHS today

[Panshekay]

Our son and I and my 3 year old grandson (my youngest son's child) went down to DHS today to see if we could get info on the 11th allegation which caused our son not being able to pick up his 6s.  We were taken into a room which I am sure is recorded or has a one way mirror. The new caseworker said the call was made by a woman late on Friday, claims that our son is molesting his son... .before I knew it my son burst out sobbing stating how many times are you going to allow my son to have to go through this?  You are leaving him with a suicidal mentally unstable parent, then he asked for a trash can so he could vomit.  I was already crying... .I got up to take my 3 year old grandson out of that room since that was no place for him.  I took him outside and called the caseworker who was on the 8th complaint.  I was sobbing saying I could not take it anymore. I hung up, our son came out crying saying that they had to talk with some other people to see where this allegation was going. My phone rang and it was the caseworker. She asked where we were... .told us to stay in the parking lot and she would drive over and meet us with the 9th allegation caseworker who we really feel sees things for how they are. They spoke to us for about 20 min, said they had never seen someone try to destroy the other parent and cause so much conflict as this.  They showed empathy, compassion and said we know this is difficult, we see it. We see how it is. You both have been through the ringer... .our comment was it's not ourselves that we care about, it's about our sons son. That's who is suffering.  The 9th caseworker said she also got to speak with my GS GAL and she now has ALL the info and sees it for how it truly is.  But here I still sit, in my sons home waiting for the call on the most recent charges or no charges. Hopefully  they call soon as I still have a 175 mile trip home to make tonight. It's been a emotional crap shoot horrible weekend. One I don't want to repeat.

[ForeverDad]

They spoke to us for about 20 min, said they had never seen someone try to destroy the other parent and cause so much conflict as this.  They showed empathy, compassion and said we know this is difficult, we see it. We see how it is. You both have been through the ringer... .

But... .despite all the stress, pain and sabotage, you have made progress.  Rather than getting another standard notification you have gotten some action.  Where it goes from here, you'll find out soon enough.  Hopefully they've finally had their wake-up call and DHS & GAL & Court will work together to address this.  Mother will still try to sabotage and use the system against your son, but do everything you can to help them see this as purposeful abuse and not just some poor triggered mother who gets even more chances.

[Panshekay]

Thank you ForeverDad for your continued support.  You are right. This caseworker from the 9th allegation has been our saving grace. She is a spitfire!  She tells it like it is... .if it wasn't for her seeing the truth who knows where we would be... .which was all I asked, I said dont believe me, I only ask that you just look at the facts. Quit taking what our soon to be xdil says as factual... .no one ever fact checked anything she said. This case worker was a Private Investigator for over 5 years prior to this. This caseworker deserves a medal, not because she agreed or believed us, but because she did her homework and went above and beyond what anyone else had done. Everyone else wanted it off their plate.  This young woman has integrity. Thank God! 

[Panda39]

                           

Gawd! this stuff is so awful    I'm so sorry you all had to go through that yet again    But like ForeverDad I see the silver lining here too, you've got yourselves some advocates that are helping you, that do see what's going on and are sharing their opinion with the right folks.

I don't pretend to understand how the system works but do these people ever talk to each other?  Why does each charge have it's own caseworker or if they do it that way, why don't they talk with the other 10 case workers and look at the situation as a whole?  11 allegations 1 that might be something in their eyes 10 that are unfounded? Can't see a pattern here? Crazymaking  

I know this sucks, but during my SO's divorce we had our fair share of crap too (we less than you but enough) and what we found was the longer things went on (and it was miserable) the more his ex showed her true colors... .her instability, in some cases neglect of their daughters, the parental alienation etc.  

I know this isn't much and you have little choice, but hang in there.  It feels like the tide is turning just a little bit.

Panda39

[Thunderstruck]

Ugh, I'm sorry.    We had that allegation too. Don't take it personally but they (DHS) are obligated to investigate every claim. We didn't even know that DH was accused of sexually abusing SD until after the police investigation was done (yep, for allegations of sexual abuse not only does CPS investigate but the police do too). It was a very stressful and scary time. First was a CPS allegation that we were using drugs, then the sexual abuse, then uBPDbm filed two restraining orders trying to prevent DH from seeing SD and all of this was within a one month time frame.

As I said in my other post, it took us until the 8th allegation until they finally found mom to be the problem. The report even said mom is causing problems and make poor parenting decisions. CPS/DHS/etc don't like their time wasted on malicious parents making false allegations. There are real abuse cases they need their attention. They already don't have enough resources to handle those as it is.

[Panshekay]

Thank you Panda39 and Thunderstruck... .having worked for the system I know legally they have to do what they do.  I really don't think they talk to one another very much, or look at past allegations. Most are overworked and burned out. I get that, but if that is the case... .find another job.  The hardest part for me as a parent/ grandparent is the lack of consequences for DIL.  I give both the caseworkers who spoke with us yesterday a lot of credit.  After asking to speak with them at the front desk and being told they were not there and then calling the one and leaving a message stating I can not do this anymore and crying uncontrollably... .just the fact that she immediately called me back and said "where are you, stay right there, we are driving over now, wait outside" spoke volumes.  You dont find that much in a state agency. After going there yesterday and waiting 25 min to be seen and watching the employees I forgot how lazy and uncaring some can be. There is such a thing as a "oh, those lazy state workers" mentality... .although laziness is everywhere... .when I was a state worker, I wasn't lazy... .but I did see a lot of laziness there. It was appalling. Having griped now I feel a tad bit better.

 I just got home from my 3 hour drive and got a message from our son stating DHS called and they said they should know more by today at 4:45. One thing I have learned through all of this is NEVER count on things going well... .until they go well.  I wish I knew what I could do to get the injustice that is going on out in the news media. Not just for us but for everyone. Why isn't my DIL being punished for her lies. She is destroying our son and grandson... .why is that allowed?  Like I told my husband, Thank God we are not retaliatory people.  We just have to continue to have faith and trust that it's going to turn out ok. Thanks to all of you. Each one of you make me feel so much better... .you give me hope... .I have tried to pay it forward a bit on this site. It's a good feeling.  Bless each one of you... .

[ForeverDad]

One perspective I learned from my experience over the years was that the system looks at each incident separately.  Yes, I know, what about the history?  All I can say is that for most of us it does catch up eventually.

Another perspective is that the system will look at incidents with the question, does this rise to the level of being 'actionable'?  A lot of my ex's behaviors and claims, when taken together, were actionable in my eyes.  But the professionals seemed to take incidents one at a time and once an incident was pigeonholed it was thereafter ignored as resolved.  For example, I was at work one day after I had parenting time when an emergency doctor called me, first time ever, and asked me what I had given our son the day before.  (I should have known.  Earlier that day, after my ex had driven son to school, she had called me what pills I had given our son over the weekend.  It became obvious that she thought she had an excuse to take him out of school, rush to the hospital and claim he was hallucinating his brains were coming out.)  Doctor was totally unconcerned about the 2 or 3 herbal alertness tablets son had taken and asked for anything else.  They had found nothing wrong with him.  I thanked the doctor for calling me, I said this was the first time the ER staff had ever called me for his many visits.  She said all she was concerned about was This Current ER Visit.  Clearly ER has a limited scope of official concern.  All other allegation incidents I found out about only later when requesting medical records.  (BTW, I know he was okay because he was already in class at school when I told her what the white pills were and she turned around and yanked him out to rush him to the hospital.)

Eventually, though, they can manage to connect the dots and see an 'actionable' pattern.

[Panshekay]

Thank you ForeverDad... .

Our son was called right before 5 tonight... .the caseworker said... .we are leaving this case open, but you can resume seeing your son tomorrow. That was it. So my thought is, DHS feels someone is molesting my GS, but NOT our son, because they would never allow him to have him for the next 3 nights, 4 days or they are giving my DIL enough rope to hang herself. Opinions? 

[ForeverDad]

In my other post I asked whether GS had ever been interviewed while in son's care?  I would expect the investigators would get different responses than they would from visits with child at mother's home.

That's exactly what my Custody Evaluator did, though not at our residences.  He had mother bring in son and observed them.  Then he did the same with me the father.  In his initial report to the court he noted a difference between our parenting relationships.  Would it make sense for the investigator who 'gets it' most to accompany the current investigator to a home visit at dad's place?