Just a whole lotta strange...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi guys, Ive been lurking these forums for about 3 months looking for answers of some kind. I never knew of this disorder until recently when I found myself questioning what my now exgf was putting me through.

Long story... .

I met this girl at work, I immediately was smitten by her persona. I didnt know at the time I was 9 yrs her senior(she was 20 at the time), but she was always open to talk and we hit it off with texts and calls. I only worked nights while she worked days, so besides her words I didnt know much about her. fast forward a month she initiates meet ups and on the second one she seems really freaky and we almost go all the way but didnt as a car pulled up, so we decided it wasnt the right time and we parted ways. to me everything is going great, so next morning I text her and she says she cant do it anymore and broke off contact with me for 2 weeks until I saw her again at work and she asked me to sit next to her and shared a bag of trail mix. she explained she was going through a lot of issues at home, and I never questioned after. we text as we did but she's hesitant on meetups which I found weird since she pushed for them before, so after asking around at work I found out she had a boyfriend. I stupidly never confronted her until I was on my way to work one day and I see her getting into a car with a man. The confrontation happened on valentines day to which she said she was on and off with him because she's scared due to his controlling nature and his suicidal threats. She tells me she loves me and hugs me so tightly that I fall under the spell again. I remain on texts while she never truly dumps him until she is stranded in Salem MA with her fam and she calls him to see if he can pick them up to which he said no, so then the fallback guy (me) gets a call and I make it work to drive almost 3 hrs to pick them up. The whole drive back she's very lovey dovey and keeps saying we need to talk that she's done with him. the following week I get calls and texts from her everyday, all day as if we were a couple, but Ive seen all that before and just kept it as it was. at some point the following week it was her ex's birthday and on the day she texts me "It so and so's bday today" to which I quickly reply "where are you guys celebrating?" (as if I cared) she completely flips and cuts all contact. That night I actually drove by her house on my way to work and she wasnt home so I continue down the street, who do I see but both of them at the stop light her looking miserable and then she glances over and sees me. I smile and just keep driving. As soon as I could I texted her I was done with her and to leave me alone, she replies that he just showed up at her house and didnt want to leave so she just left with him to get it over and done with (yeah, okay) I just stood my ground wished her the best and said goodbye. Two weeks go by and I get a "I miss you" I hold off on replying but as soon as I do I get a call... .basically a day before the bf went off on her in front of her family and basically told her to stay with me. That is our beginning:D That was the last of the ex except for him stalking her at work and a home and texting her all the time from different numbers.

So we start dating to see where things go by this point she had overshared soo much of her traumatic life... .abusive father, sent to a mental institute, druggie mom, foster care, was kicked out after the father left, mom killed cats... .heavy periods, vaginal cysts... .abusive relationships where she was only used for sex... .the works. I felt as if I had known this woman forever. Our dates were great I treated her like a Princess. anything she wanted she had, we still had not had sex and I never pushed for it as she said her ex's always forced themselves. I treated her with respect. She finally decided to make it official and I met her whole family, they all loved me, even her sister whom she said never liked any of her exs... .yet she was always hesitant to meet my family saying her anxiety was bad or her depression didnt let her leave her room. at a certain point I just didnt force it anymore (another fault of mine). we went to concerts, movies, fairs, places she wanted to show me, everything was great from my stand point. She said she always enjoyed when we were together and missed me immediately after I left. At some point we became sexual but her drive wasnt as mine was, so we would probably have sex like 2 or 3 times a month and she said it was all in her mind due to her previous experiences of waking up to her ex having his way with her as she was sleeping or the other one just calling her to have sex and leave. She said she felt the most comfortable with me and when we did have it it was good, but our relationship was limited to her house which she shared with her gparents, sister, mother, brother... .which hampered a lot in terms of all out enjoyment. First year of dating was good but there was a lot of room for improvement and we both knew.

DOWNWARD SPIRAL
After the new year changed so did everything for the worse. we became distant as soon as she started school back up. She kept mentioning her depression was getting worse and worse, to which I asked her if it was me and she replied with "no youre perfect I'm the problem" sex dissipated which I attributed to her depression getting worse. We only met up here and there, phone convo's were sparingly, though still very long. Most of our convo's were through texts. One day she texts me while at school that she wants us to see each other and calls me right after school but the conversation got so negative she just stopped talking and I asked if she wanted me to let her go and she never replied and the phone cut off. I tried calling back, no answer... .texted her that I didnt cut her off and all I get is a "I cant be in this relationship anymore" I text her back asking her  If she really felt that way and got no reply. two days go by and 1130pm I get a "Guess Who" text from an unknown number... .its her who finally changed phones as her exes kept harrassing her old number. She calls me quick tells me she was mad but then just decided to change her number... .then she request that "we remove labels from our relationship" so she wont feel as pressured because she can't provide what a girlfriend should, it would only be temporary... .I was hesitant but agreed and she said that she was still in love with me. A month goes by of regular relatioship interaction minus the regular meets. she sends me picks to let me know she still thinks about me sexually and all.

Our END
Easter Day comes and she says she's made me a basket because she loves me. I get a pic of her dress and she asks if she looks pretty, to which I reply she's stunningly gorgeous. After that no reply so we dont meetup. next day comes I greet her early I get replies but somethings off... .next day nothing, next day nothing. on ther 3rd day she's usually at school so I text her on her break nothing call her when I know she's out and at home no answer... .do it through the day looking for a reply... .130am I get a reply "Pertaining to everything Im not looking for a romantic relationship" Im taken aback so I call multiple times and only get a text that says she wont pick up she'll only text, which sh's done before but we always talk. I ask why things have to change, she says she wants to focus on herself (mind you Ive never pushed her to do anything) we continue and she drops "A girl fingered at school" my mind went blank and only replied with how was the experience "it was fine but I wasnt uncomfortable and got really wet" this is a girl who gets wet by just touching her breasts and she hasnt had sex for 4 months (with me anyways). I ask if that was something she was going to pursue and she  said "IDK the other girl told her she has a boyfriend so they are not dating or anything" Im lost at this point so I ask what that means we are completely over and she says "she really believes she's into girls" I say goodbye and she wont have any of that saying sh'e still the same girl and now I will have plenty of booty call options to which I tell her she's been the only girl Ive looked at like that and she replies "Ill probably end up purposely overdosing at some point" conversation dwindled and I said I only wanted to show her her worth and wished her and her family a great one.

AFTERMATH
I couldnt sleep right or eat she dominated my mind. 4 days went by before I sent her a How are you text... .she replied a lil later saying She wasn't ignoring me just shopping with her sister whom I told her to say hi to and she replied "She said hi, " conversation after was a lil dry. I asked her to talk on the phone and she avoided it like the plague. some days later I get a long text saying "I know ___ is up in the air between us, but always know that no matter what labels your gonna be an important person in my life, Ill always love and care for you... ." some days go by and its exactly a week after the breakup and I ask her if we could talk on the phone... .the only reply I get is a lyrics video link to a song on youtube about a that does everything for a girl treating her right in every way and she still leaves for another guy only to realize that the first guy is her true love and they reunite. As soon as I heard the song (like 30 times) I just let her know how I still felt how we could grow from all this and how I still viewed her the same. Yet she avoided all contact afterwards... .been 2 weeks now,  After 4 years of "knowing" her I was discarded in the most worthless way. Improving as the days go on, but still trying to make sense of how it ended.

She was at one point diagnosed with PTSD
BPD Traits
Oversharing, clingyness, suicidal thoughts, fear of abandonment (even when I gave her presents she'd ask if I was dumping her), feeling of emptyness. Push, Pull
Severe Depression
Anxiety
Manic

All this and she's only 23 now.

Sorry for the crazy post guys but just needed to get it out. I see all the red flags now but lost myself with her. Feel used as she progressed through school with my help while I feel like Im back at point 0.

[vaztek2003]

Hi guys, Ive been lurking these forums for about 3 months looking for answers of some kind. I never knew of this disorder until recently when I found myself questioning what my now exgf was putting me through.

Long story... .

I met this girl at work, I immediately was smitten by her persona. I didnt know at the time I was 9 yrs her senior(she was 20 at the time), but she was always open to talk and we hit it off with texts and calls. I only worked nights while she worked days, so besides her words I didnt know much about her. fast forward a month she initiates meet ups and on the second one she seems really freaky and we almost go all the way but didnt as a car pulled up, so we decided it wasnt the right time and we parted ways. to me everything is going great, so next morning I text her and she says she cant do it anymore and broke off contact with me for 2 weeks until I saw her again at work and she asked me to sit next to her and shared a bag of trail mix. she explained she was going through a lot of issues at home, and I never questioned after. we text as we did but she's hesitant on meetups which I found weird since she pushed for them before, so after asking around at work I found out she had a boyfriend. I stupidly never confronted her until I was on my way to work one day and I see her getting into a car with a man. The confrontation happened on valentines day to which she said she was on and off with him because she's scared due to his controlling nature and his suicidal threats. She tells me she loves me and hugs me so tightly that I fall under the spell again. I remain on texts while she never truly dumps him until she is stranded in Salem MA with her fam and she calls him to see if he can pick them up to which he said no, so then the fallback guy (me) gets a call and I make it work to drive almost 3 hrs to pick them up. The whole drive back she's very lovey dovey and keeps saying we need to talk that she's done with him. the following week I get calls and texts from her everyday, all day as if we were a couple, but Ive seen all that before and just kept it as it was. at some point the following week it was her ex's birthday and on the day she texts me "It so and so's bday today" to which I quickly reply "where are you guys celebrating?" (as if I cared) she completely flips and cuts all contact. That night I actually drove by her house on my way to work and she wasnt home so I continue down the street, who do I see but both of them at the stop light her looking miserable and then she glances over and sees me. I smile and just keep driving. As soon as I could I texted her I was done with her and to leave me alone, she replies that he just showed up at her house and didnt want to leave so she just left with him to get it over and done with (yeah, okay) I just stood my ground wished her the best and said goodbye. Two weeks go by and I get a "I miss you" I hold off on replying but as soon as I do I get a call... .basically a day before the bf went off on her in front of her family and basically told her to stay with me. That is our beginning:D That was the last of the ex except for him stalking her at work and a home and texting her all the time from different numbers.

So we start dating to see where things go by this point she had overshared soo much of her traumatic life... .abusive father, sent to a mental institute, druggie mom, foster care, was kicked out after the father left, mom killed cats... .heavy periods, vaginal cysts... .abusive relationships where she was only used for sex... .the works. I felt as if I had known this woman forever. Our dates were great I treated her like a Princess. anything she wanted she had, we still had not had sex and I never pushed for it as she said her ex's always forced themselves. I treated her with respect. She finally decided to make it official and I met her whole family, they all loved me, even her sister whom she said never liked any of her exs... .yet she was always hesitant to meet my family saying her anxiety was bad or her depression didnt let her leave her room. at a certain point I just didnt force it anymore (another fault of mine). we went to concerts, movies, fairs, places she wanted to show me, everything was great from my stand point. She said she always enjoyed when we were together and missed me immediately after I left. At some point we became sexual but her drive wasnt as mine was, so we would probably have sex like 2 or 3 times a month and she said it was all in her mind due to her previous experiences of waking up to her ex having his way with her as she was sleeping or the other one just calling her to have sex and leave. She said she felt the most comfortable with me and when we did have it it was good, but our relationship was limited to her house which she shared with her gparents, sister, mother, brother... .which hampered a lot in terms of all out enjoyment. First year of dating was good but there was a lot of room for improvement and we both knew.

DOWNWARD SPIRAL
After the new year changed so did everything for the worse. we became distant as soon as she started school back up. She kept mentioning her depression was getting worse and worse, to which I asked her if it was me and she replied with "no youre perfect I'm the problem" sex dissipated which I attributed to her depression getting worse. We only met up here and there, phone convo's were sparingly, though still very long. Most of our convo's were through texts. One day she texts me while at school that she wants us to see each other and calls me right after school but the conversation got so negative she just stopped talking and I asked if she wanted me to let her go and she never replied and the phone cut off. I tried calling back, no answer... .texted her that I didnt cut her off and all I get is a "I cant be in this relationship anymore" I text her back asking her  If she really felt that way and got no reply. two days go by and 1130pm I get a "Guess Who" text from an unknown number... .its her who finally changed phones as her exes kept harrassing her old number. She calls me quick tells me she was mad but then just decided to change her number... .then she request that "we remove labels from our relationship" so she wont feel as pressured because she can't provide what a girlfriend should, it would only be temporary... .I was hesitant but agreed and she said that she was still in love with me. A month goes by of regular relatioship interaction minus the regular meets. she sends me picks to let me know she still thinks about me sexually and all.

Our END
Easter Day comes and she says she's made me a basket because she loves me. I get a pic of her dress and she asks if she looks pretty, to which I reply she's stunningly gorgeous. After that no reply so we dont meetup. next day comes I greet her early I get replies but somethings off... .next day nothing, next day nothing. on ther 3rd day she's usually at school so I text her on her break nothing call her when I know she's out and at home no answer... .do it through the day looking for a reply... .130am I get a reply "Pertaining to everything Im not looking for a romantic relationship" Im taken aback so I call multiple times and only get a text that says she wont pick up she'll only text, which sh's done before but we always talk. I ask why things have to change, she says she wants to focus on herself (mind you Ive never pushed her to do anything) we continue and she drops "A girl fingered at school" my mind went blank and only replied with how was the experience "it was fine but I wasnt uncomfortable and got really wet" this is a girl who gets wet by just touching her breasts and she hasnt had sex for 4 months (with me anyways). I ask if that was something she was going to pursue and she  said "IDK the other girl told her she has a boyfriend so they are not dating or anything" Im lost at this point so I ask what that means we are completely over and she says "she really believes she's into girls" I say goodbye and she wont have any of that saying sh'e still the same girl and now I will have plenty of booty call options to which I tell her she's been the only girl Ive looked at like that and she replies "Ill probably end up purposely overdosing at some point" conversation dwindled and I said I only wanted to show her her worth and wished her and her family a great one.

AFTERMATH
I couldnt sleep right or eat she dominated my mind. 4 days went by before I sent her a How are you text... .she replied a lil later saying She wasn't ignoring me just shopping with her sister whom I told her to say hi to and she replied "She said hi, " conversation after was a lil dry. I asked her to talk on the phone and she avoided it like the plague. some days later I get a long text saying "I know ___ is up in the air between us, but always know that no matter what labels your gonna be an important person in my life, Ill always love and care for you... ." some days go by and its exactly a week after the breakup and I ask her if we could talk on the phone... .the only reply I get is a lyrics video link to a song on youtube about a that does everything for a girl treating her right in every way and she still leaves for another guy only to realize that the first guy is her true love and they reunite. As soon as I heard the song (like 30 times) I just let her know how I still felt how we could grow from all this and how I still viewed her the same. Yet she avoided all contact afterwards... .been 2 weeks now,  After 4 years of "knowing" her I was discarded in the most worthless way. Improving as the days go on, but still trying to make sense of how it ended.

She was at one point diagnosed with PTSD
BPD Traits
Oversharing, clingyness, suicidal thoughts, fear of abandonment (even when I gave her presents she'd ask if I was dumping her), feeling of emptyness. Push, Pull
Severe Depression
Anxiety
Manic

All this and she's only 23 now.

Sorry for the crazy post guys but just needed to get it out. I see all the red flags now but lost myself with her. Feel used as she progressed through school with my help while I feel like Im back at point 0.

[roberto516]

Sorry for the crazy post guys but just needed to get it out. I see all the red flags now but lost myself with her. Feel used as she progressed through school with my help while I feel like Im back at point 0.

Welcome vaztek. Your story resonates all too well with me. Especially the distancing only to say "I want to work on myself." But you're quote above is what resonates with me. It feels exactly like that. We prop them up, emotional support, love, sacrifice, etc. only for them to leave. But that's her loss. You seem like a good guy. I don't know how I wouldn't have raged at her for saying some of the things she said to you. But it's a push/pull for sure. It sucks that we allow ourselves to play a part in this saga.

[vaztek2003]

Thank you very much Roberto. That was a red flag in itself in the way I found myself walking on eggshells as to avoid causing her problems. Other relationships before It was give and take, but I guess since she described all these horrors in her past, I just didn't want to be another one so I held back. Maybe she was a great manipulator but I allowed it to happen, even after sometimes asking myself if it was something I ts was willing to do forever. I honestly gave this woman the world, mall trips would be 400 and up on her alone, makeup purchases, lets just say I became a VIB Rougue at Sephora very quickly. She didnt force me to as she would even tell me that it was too much, but I just felt a crazy connection with her... .never knew the emphasis would be on "crazy" She broke it off and she cut contact, I just hope she sticks to it. Only thing I asked her at the end was if she was looking to move on, yes or no... .and she couldnt even show me an ounce of respect to reply. She's a gorgeous woman, with an incredible body and she has failed countless times at looking for help so more victims will follow.

[roberto516]

Other relationships before It was give and take, but I guess since she described all these horrors in her past, I just didn't want to be another one so I held back.

I think we all relate to that. I remember early in the relationship sitting on her balcony talking about her exes. I still remember it. I told her about my first BPD ex, BUT i remember even telling her that I had pushed her away at the end, and that I self-sabotaged. What did she tell me about her exes? That one cheated on her when they were engaged, and that the most recent one was controlling, and belittling. Do I doubt it? No. But not once in that conversation did she talk about any role she played. But I could imagine he cheated on her as an unhealthy way to cope with the fact that she probably stopped being attentive to him. Doesn't make it right. Then she told me about a trauma she experienced at 14.

So yeah, I did the same thing. I thought "This poor thing! I will never treat her like that!" Well guess what? I can now be another story for someone else. I'll be the "He said so many mean things to me. Called me borderline, called me evil, selfish, etc." What they won't ever learn is that there's a pattern there, but they don't think it's their fault.

And yeah, they tend to be gorgeous. My ex is going on 36 in August but with makeup she doesn't look a day over 28. So she won't ever have to learn. She says she's trying to learn now. But this is a life pattern. It won't change for them. The day they both are done "working on themselves" (which to me is just reinforcing selfishness, and self-centerdness in their case) they will just pick and choose whoever fits what they want. It's almost not fair. But oh well. What can we really do?

Sorry for rambling. Just wanted to let you know that your statement is all too relatable.

[vaztek2003]

No problems. Its so scary how eerily similar they are.

We always had the conversations about the horrible exes (in her balcony) as she smoked which is another thing I put up with. How the first one was physically abusive and only used her for sex and money, and the one I replaced, how controlling he was and how he would sexually abuse her while she slept or would stalk her at work or just randomly show up at her house (he really did have the where's my iphone app on on her phone, ) but as you said they are always the victim. Even at home it was "Oh nobody cares about me, I can be in my room depressed for 4 days and nobody bothers to check" I was this womans emotional support to the point that everyday Id get a text or a call on how somebody wronged her which made her cry... .which is what made the final days stick out. Always respected her, treated her like royalty as her friends even started telling her that, which "made her happy" her family would tell her that they didnt make men like me anymore. Yet one day it was as if I was a stranger.

The love song she sent me when all I wanted to do was talk on the phone is what messed me up badly as it got my hopes wayyyyy up, to then drop em back down by ignoring all my replies and cutting all contact... .again all I wanted was to have a phone conversation. Replies which I know she read and probably shared  with her ONLY friend who she doesnt really care for as she used to do everytime her exes hit her up on fb or instagram. 2 weeks now. She's the one that is missing out and deep down I know she knows it too. her damn room is surrounded by things I gifted.

[roberto516]

Yeah man I hear ya. All the times her mom would tell her when she saw me walking her dog was "you better treat him right." How her dad always said "he's such a great guy to you." How her relatives and our mutial coworkers woukd say "man you are lucky to have him."

Doesn't matter. Now she can tell them I raged at her and they will think I'm scum.

But you're right. It's not our loss at the end of the day. It's theirs. Maybe they will find someone better. If they do so be it. You seem to be on the right path though. I applaud you for taking this all very civilly. Part of me wishes I did.

[vaztek2003]

Honestly the only reason I kept it civil was because I wanted her back... .well the her I met in the beginning. This is before I knew anything about BPD. I just figured we could work it out as a normal couple would. Did not know she wasn't normal and would just cut all contact coldly. As I said she has plenty of reminders of me all over her bedroom, heck even the phone she texted me that it was over I gifted her, !

We must pick ourselves up and move forward to betterment.