How to communicate with a BPD mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

 Hi All,

This is my first post - and I'm hoping that some of you could provide me some guidance.

Background:

My mother was diagnosed with cluster b, BPD and Narcissism a few months ago. She was originally diagnose with BPD about 7 years ago and 5 years prior to that, she began therapy for issues commonly associated with BPD i.e. anxiety and depression, and started on anti-depressants. I was around 14 or 15 years old. All in all she got a lot better. My childhood seems to have been very similar to others with parents with BPD - unexplained outbursts, critical statements, manipulative behavior, combined with all the hugs and kisses and support you could ask for, but I got through it in once piece. Until about a year ago.

I began to experience pretty severe anxiety attacks every couple of months and I self diagnosed them as a response to stress at work. My boyfriend pointed out a common thread - these attacks ONLY happened after a difficult conversation with my mother. It was then I realized that I needed some help myself.

Back in December I began to see a therapist who used to specialize in the treatment of persons with BPD, now she helps the family members. We talked about setting boundaries and understanding the trauma that was my childhood (I had never considered myself as a person with a traumatic childhood, only now do I understand how deeply rooted my trauma was and how it is now surfacing). And so, I have begun to set limits with my mother.

It started off good. It wasn't easy, but I stayed strong and I felt really good about it. I didn't feel trapped anymore, felt like I had a game plan to develop a healthier relationship with my mother. I even told her that during my last visit home, I would be getting a hotel room. My therapist recommend I create space and not stay in such a toxic environment. Being able to "leave the room" is huge. That conversation with her was very very hard, but I felt good after and felt I was being consistent with what made me comfortable in my limits.

Flash forward two months and I am now to the reason I have begun reading and posting on these boards.

She will not let my last visit home go. She is prying and digging into why I didn't want to stay at the house, which I guess I expected. I had told her (before going home) that it was to better build our relationship and I was sorry that it made her feel so bad. But that's not good enough for her, she needs more.

I want to find a way to tell her what is going on, but without giving her too much to use later as emotional blackmail or retaliation. She wants to sit down and hash out exactly "what's up" with me, but that's the last thing I want to do. I know that she is creating horrible scenarios in her head as to why she is "losing her relationship with me" and don't I "understand what this does to her". She doesn't know I am seeing a therapist but she can tell that I am doing something different. I have considered writing her an e-mail telling her that I am learning how to communicate with her and her BPD, but I wonder if this is the right course of action. She's very open about her diagnosis (a  little too open, hence the narcissism) and I think she might be supportive of me trying to understand her, in her own way. I suppose i am still afraid of the outbursts. I know honesty is the best policy, but is it the right time?

Any feedback or advice is appreciated! Especially any of you who may have experienced a similar situation when first trying to set limits and boundaries with your loved ones.

Many thanks in advance.

[itsrainingapples]

 Hi All,

This is my first post - and I'm hoping that some of you could provide me some guidance.

Background:

My mother was diagnosed with cluster b, BPD and Narcissism a few months ago. She was originally diagnose with BPD about 7 years ago and 5 years prior to that, she began therapy for issues commonly associated with BPD i.e. anxiety and depression, and started on anti-depressants. I was around 14 or 15 years old. All in all she got a lot better. My childhood seems to have been very similar to others with parents with BPD - unexplained outbursts, critical statements, manipulative behavior, combined with all the hugs and kisses and support you could ask for, but I got through it in once piece. Until about a year ago.

I began to experience pretty severe anxiety attacks every couple of months and I self diagnosed them as a response to stress at work. My boyfriend pointed out a common thread - these attacks ONLY happened after a difficult conversation with my mother. It was then I realized that I needed some help myself.

Back in December I began to see a therapist who used to specialize in the treatment of persons with BPD, now she helps the family members. We talked about setting boundaries and understanding the trauma that was my childhood (I had never considered myself as a person with a traumatic childhood, only now do I understand how deeply rooted my trauma was and how it is now surfacing). And so, I have begun to set limits with my mother.

It started off good. It wasn't easy, but I stayed strong and I felt really good about it. I didn't feel trapped anymore, felt like I had a game plan to develop a healthier relationship with my mother. I even told her that during my last visit home, I would be getting a hotel room. My therapist recommend I create space and not stay in such a toxic environment. Being able to "leave the room" is huge. That conversation with her was very very hard, but I felt good after and felt I was being consistent with what made me comfortable in my limits.

Flash forward two months and I am now to the reason I have begun reading and posting on these boards.

She will not let my last visit home go. She is prying and digging into why I didn't want to stay at the house, which I guess I expected. I had told her (before going home) that it was to better build our relationship and I was sorry that it made her feel so bad. But that's not good enough for her, she needs more.

I want to find a way to tell her what is going on, but without giving her too much to use later as emotional blackmail or retaliation. She wants to sit down and hash out exactly "what's up" with me, but that's the last thing I want to do. I know that she is creating horrible scenarios in her head as to why she is "losing her relationship with me" and don't I "understand what this does to her". She doesn't know I am seeing a therapist but she can tell that I am doing something different. I have considered writing her an e-mail telling her that I am learning how to communicate with her and her BPD, but I wonder if this is the right course of action. She's very open about her diagnosis (a  little too open, hence the narcissism) and I think she might be supportive of me trying to understand her, in her own way. I suppose i am still afraid of the outbursts. I know honesty is the best policy, but is it the right time?

Any feedback or advice is appreciated! Especially any of you who may have experienced a similar situation when first trying to set limits and boundaries with your loved ones.

Many thanks in advance.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Itsrainingapples! Welcome! 

Thank you for being brave and posting some of your story here with us! You are not at all alone. So many of us will be able to relate.

I am very glad that you've found such a great T who understands BPD. That is wonderful and such a key to helping you to recovery. Sounds like you are learning some great tools to help. The scary and unsettling part is actually walking in that recovery and taking the necessary steps to care for YOU. It is strange isn't it, yet so empowering! 

I have been advised to stay separate from my uBPDm's house too by my T. Here's the strange part: my mom passed away in 2012, yet I cannot easily stay in her house because it is so extremely triggering for me. She is still every place in that house, the decorating the same, and I feel her presence there all these years later. My sister struggles with the same thing.

She will not let my last visit home go. She is prying and digging into why I didn't want to stay at the house, which I guess I expected. I had told her (before going home) that it was to better build our relationship and I was sorry that it made her feel so bad. But that's not good enough for her, she needs more.

To answer your question about the pressure to tell her more, I would recommend that you stay firm and not yield up any more information than you really want to. Emotional enmeshment is a common characteristic in a pwBPD. I was terribly enmeshed with my uBPDm, feeling as if I had to tell her everything. She would pout or give me the silent treatment or FOG if I did not tell her what she insisted on knowing. I still struggle with that as an adult in my 50's, the telling of too much and feeling obligated to do so. I think one of our greatest desires is that our pwBPD would hear us and understand, once and for all, how they've affected us, but it will not work. I am sorry for the hurt that this causes, and those of us here on the journey to recovery have experienced the disappointment and grief that goes along with it.

There are a couple of great tools we frequently recommend using to communicate with a BPD. I will list one below. You don't have to give reasons why to her. You don't have to defend. With practice it will get easier and the FOG will ease. Be patient and kind to yourself as you journey. It takes time. Click on the link below for a workshop about 'jade.'

Don't JADE

 
Wools