How to balance No Contact while staying in house with stbxudBPDw

[RedPill]

Hi everyone,

I just re-read the No Contact portion of the Insights section. What struck me on this read was the argument that the primary benefit of NC is to protect my mental health and advance the detachment process. I'm ready to open myself up to moving forward now, whereas earlier I was stuck in shock and FOG after being spurned with a divorce request.

However, we are both still staying in our small house. I have the patio couch and she has the bedroom. My reasons for continuing to co-habitate as this unfolds are:

• Custodial. We have a D15 and I am afraid to leave her alone with unstable stbxudBPDw.
• Financial. I can't afford a separate apartment while splitting the mortgage on our housing-bubble priced home.
• Strategic. I do not want to concede ground to stbxudBPDw. I am already in a very exposed position (long term marriage, primary wage-earner) and I fear that leaving the home and perceived childcare responsibilities will negatively impact property and custody outcomes.

So how does one balance NC in this situation? We do not talk but do exchange texts and emails while we work on splitting bills, a parenting plan, etc. Do I just accept that I won't get true NC until D15 is out of college and independent? Is BIFF contact a suitable and healthy replacement? Thoughts appreciated.

On a positive note, It's a beautiful day and D15 & I are going to a baseball game. Should be fun!
--
RP

[Turkish]

In only had to do this for about 4 months,  with at the time D1 and S3. Our son turned 4 a little over a week before she moved out.  At 7, he still asks questions 

A teen is a whole other dynamic. That's a discussion,  perhaps,  for the co-parenting board
 
BIFF is a good place to start,  it helped me,  and you can tailor it to fit verbal communications as well.  What helped me was to view the relationship as business: the business of raising our kids.  That helped me detach from the drama,  hers, certainly, and mine--- tempted to engage unhealthy because I was at the same time working through hurt and betrayal.  None of this is easy. 

Learning the communication tools (Lesson 3 on the Improving Board) also helped. If you're seperated, this opens things up to both of you having relationships, yet another dynamic.

Where do you see this going and how is your daughter handing it?

[Skip]

Strategic. I do not want to concede ground to stbxudBPDw. I am already in a very exposed position (long term marriage, primary wage-earner) and I fear that leaving the home and perceived childcare responsibilities will negatively impact property and custody outcomes.

It's a community property state with no-fault divorce, so you are reasonably protected. You are right, though, if you leave it changes things and not in your favor.

The idea of "No Contact" in a living situation with a child is not a good idea - its not healthy for the child and its not practical.

The best thing is to be light, friendly, open... as opposed to uptight, terse, guarded.

Detachment happens in stages and it helps to think in terms of what you are detaching from in the moment - right now that might be the conflict in the relationship. If this is the case, stay away from anything that has a possible conflict component.

[RedPill]

Thanks for the insights.

Turkish:

Where do you see this going and how is your daughter handing it?

Regarding the house, it's tricky. No equity due to the housing bubble. I have the income, she has a separate trust inheritance but not sure if either could afford to stay in the house alone. Most likely we will have to sell and find individual places. Need advice from the lawyers but still gathering/organizing information.
Regarding my daughter, she's being pretty accommodating in an uncomfortable situation. She's not acting out, doing well in school, and trying to interact with both of us but separately since her Mom avoids me. I can tell she is on eggshells around Mom, as we both were before it all went down.

The idea of "No Contact" in a living situation with a child is not a good idea - its not healthy for the child and its not practical.
The best thing is to be light, friendly, open... as opposed to uptight, terse, guarded.

Skip: Thanks for this reminder. I have been very tense and guarded. I'll try to stay light and friendly for my daughter's sake.

[Grey Kitty]

NC is literally NO contact at all. You cannot do that and share a house with her. If you are co-parenting, it would be nearly impossible, and would work against parenting.

As Skip said, keep it "light, friendly, and open." I'd like to clarify a bit around "open".

As your wife, you had good reason to share nearly everything with her, your thoughts, dreams, plans, feelings, everything. As your ex-wife, most of these things are no longer her business, and you don't need to share them with her.

Obviously there are a lot of things that are her business still, like things about your child, stuff about sharing a house, and some of your thoughts about getting out of the house. Do stay open about these things.

Most of what isn't her business (anymore), won't put you at risk or harm you if you do share something about it. If you are clearly trying to hide a lot from her, that will put her on edge, so don't be evasive when you don't need to be... .

I know I had to make a real adjustment that there were a bunch of things I was considering and planning that I was used to talking to my wife about... .and it was no longer her business, given our current status.

Most likely we will have to sell and find individual places. Need advice from the lawyers but still gathering/organizing information.

Don't get ahead of your legal plans... .but once you figure out that this will happen sooner or later, sooner is far better for you and your wife, so you can move forward with your lives. (Have you posted on the legal board here about legal issues? If not, do so!)

[RedPill]

Thanks for the reality check GK. It's a whole new type of relationship, isn't it? It's hard to try to turn the page so abruptly. Both of us have chosen to shut each other out as the process grinds to a start. I've been badly wounded by the surprise divorce request, but the reality of the years of blame, guilt, and struggle to please her are helping to erase the "fantasy future" where someday we would be happy.

Have you posted on the legal board here about legal issues? If not, do so!

I have posted questions about custody but responses are few. Maybe the post got rolled too far down the page. I'll keep at it.