Peter Pan is a strong master

[WitzEndWife]

So, BPDh took his real estate test and passed with flying colors one week ago last Friday. Afterward, he was all fired up about finding a broker, and talked about working as a property manager in the city, and eventually getting his own broker license to start acquiring his own properties, once established. Awesome! Great! Fabulous! Yes!

But then I left town early last week for a business trip. He was supposed to Uber during that time, and he was going to be looking into brokerages, while moving himself into the new house. I got back, and all he'd been doing was work around the new house, and had only Ubered one day. He emphatically stated that he would be Ubering this weekend, which he did not, again, do, nor did he do anything yesterday. In fact, yesterday, via his Facebook posts, I learned that he went to the library, went on a lengthy bike ride, and then went out with a friend to a couple of bars. I've been staying at my parents' place (partly because we have no bed in the new place, and partly because it's healthy for me to have a bit of distance from him at times), doing my usual routine of waking up at the break of dawn to work out, and then working 10-12-hour days until I head home and collapse into bed.

I was particularly angry about H's day yesterday. I've been backing off and allowing him to figure himself out, but I've also been paying his credit card (it has a small limit), and he keeps going out to eat and things like that which only serve himself. Meanwhile, I make my own meals and usually only eat out if my company is paying for it, or if he and I are together. I'm always trying to be frugal, while he is constantly spending more than he needs to (insisting each expenditure is mandatory).

My thinking is that I write him a letter to explain to him how I feel, and to let him know that I will no longer be paying for his credit card. There is no excuse for him not to get on with his career. He passed his test, he has his permanent resident card and is permitted to work in this country, he lives in the city now (so no "long commutes" that he was complaining about before). I think it's only fair that he take care of his own expenses. I know that he will take this as some kind of rejection, but I need to do this in as loving a way as possible. I feel like he thinks that, just because I make a good salary, that there's this "money tree" that keeps giving and giving. Even when I complain about money, the money tree still somehow yields more. I need him to take me seriously and do his part. I think this boundary is the first step to doing that.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[flourdust]

Hi, WiW. Your story sounds familiar. On the one hand, the barriers he's blamed for his inaction in the past have been removed one by one. On the other hand, he's still inactive.

I think it's more than reasonable for you to make him responsible for his own credit card. This isn't really a boundary so much as it is a choice of yours not to rescue him.

You should prepare yourself for what is likely to be an epic dysregulation. You may need to stay away from him for some time.

You should also prepare yourself for financial problems. Just because he is responsible for his credit card doesn't mean he's going to pay it. Because you're married, what he does with his credit could blow back on you -- take precautions to shield yourself from that.

Good luck!

[Alayne]

Oh, man.  It's so hard seeing all of those success stories and that he's still not quite crossing the finish line.  Kudos on having the courage to take a step like this.

I like flour's advice.  The only thing I'd add - and I'd say this for anyone, BPD or otherwise - is that you should absolutely write down what you intend to say, but you should still deliver the news in person (unless you're trying to detach from the relationship then disregard).  I have never seen an email-based version of this go well with anyone.  Meanwhile, my BPD husband gets triggered over email because can read as much invalidation as he wants into the text.  If the face-to-face doesn't end in sunshine and roses (and, honestly, it is very difficult for the average person to do), you can always follow it up with a summary in writing to ensure clarity.

We're always passing around book recommendations here - one I recommend strongly is Crucial Conversations.  Nothing to do with BPD at all, but a lot of the tools are cross-applicable to our situations.

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks for the book recommendation, Alayne. I'll definitely take a look at it. It's bumming me out and stressing me out that everything seemed to be falling into place, and H is still trying to force me into the mommy role. Maybe once I move in and I'm off to work every day, doing my thing, and he sees me doing that, he'll get his rear end back on track. But this is one small thing I can do that will take some pressure off of me.

What I might also do is if he fills his card up again, I can say, "Well, I'm not sending you money for it. I just paid it off three times last month. Why is your card my responsibility? We have a budget. Sorry. When the money is gone, it's gone."

[flourdust]

Maybe once I move in and I'm off to work every day, doing my thing, and he sees me doing that, he'll get his rear end back on track.

Be honest with yourself. Haven't you had thoughts like this before?

"Maybe once we move out of my parents' house and closer to the city, he will... ."

"Maybe once he gets his real estate license, he will... ."

[WitzEndWife]

Be honest with yourself. Haven't you had thoughts like this before?

"Maybe once we move out of my parents' house and closer to the city, he will... ."

"Maybe once he gets his real estate license, he will... ."

True story. I have. I feel like we keep inching closer to him being responsible for himself, but never quite getting there. My thinking is that he's quite comfortable sponging and putting me into the "mommy" role, even though he simultaneously resents me for supporting him.

I'm not sure though, if telling him in person that I'm not going to pay his credit card is going to go as well as writing him a letter will. He and I are both writers and readers, and I feel as though, when I've been able to gather my thoughts in writing, things have gone much more smoothly than when I've told him something in person. In person is when he actually seems to infer mal intent and lash out at me. When it's in writing, he's a bit more pensive and less impulsive.

I was thinking of saying,

Dear H,

Since we've had a little time apart, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how to make our lives in our new house better, and how to keep my stress levels down. I really want for us to have a happy, healthy relationship, and for both of us to feel good about what we have together.

I have to admit that I was a little (okay, a lot) frustrated this week when I saw that you were spending days at the library, bike riding, and bar hopping while I was over here working 10-12 hour days, trying to be frugal, and paying bills and credit cards, and buying new furniture for our new house. It feels unfair to me to be waking up early every single morning and going to bed late every night for work, and to be the only one who is doing these things. I don't begrudge you your friendships or your exercise and other activities, but I, like most people, tend to fit those things in around my responsibilities.

It doesn't feel like my needs are being taken care of. I just have to figure out how to pay for everything while trying to get us out of debt. It causes me a lot of stress. And high levels of stress for one partner are not healthy, and they can destroy relationships.

I'm not saying this to be critical, I'm saying this because I care about the relationship, and I'm saying this because I need your help, as a partner. I'm excited for you that you finally have your permanent residency and you can practice real estate, and that we have this great house in the city, with access to all these great resources, and I can't wait to see what you'll build for yourself with all of these things. But I do realize that, by paying your credit card and your dental bill, I'm not helping you or me. And, with the new house, I simply have to budget for our essentials. So, from now on, those things will no longer be my responsibility. I'm not doing this because I'm being hard on you, I'm doing this because I believe in you, and I love you very much. I hope you can see that because I would do anything for you,and I feel like I have.

Let me know if you want to talk about this.

Love,
Me



Thoughts?

[flourdust]

I think it's a clear letter. If I was to nitpick, I'd say that it probably JADEs too much, and you could cut it by about 50%.

Regardless of how you communicate, in writing or in person, it's very unlikely that he will take this well. There will be raging, blaming, all the usual. So, do not write the letter with the idea that if you just explain it enough or make it gentle enough that you will avoid the coming storm. Keep it simple and to the point -- and give him fewer targets in the letter to pick fights about -- and deliver your message.

When you do get blowback -- stick to your simple message: "I'm not paying your bills any more" and do NOT get drawn in to arguing sentence 3, paragraph 4, etc. etc. etc. That will get you nowhere.

[isilme]

True story. I have. I feel like we keep inching closer to him being responsible for himself, but never quite getting there. My thinking is that he's quite comfortable sponging and putting me into the "mommy" role, even though he simultaneously resents me for supporting him.

I will just have to chime in to say that it takes time for anyone to change, and for a pwBPD, he HAS managed some milestones.  He probabyl feels entitled to sitting on his laurels for a while.

I think it may just simply be stated, "I am putting money towards (house, car, savings, my own/shared debt, whatever), so you need to Uber or find gainful emplyement as a broker/real estate person to pay your own luxury expenses and pay off your personal credit card each month.   

Done.  You may take a small hit in the creidt department, for a while at least, but after he extinction bursts, he may get on the ball, slowly, resentlfully, but on the ball. 

He is NEVER going to be fully 100% able to adult they way you are.  And you know what, in most relationships, even ones wihotut PDs present, this is true of all couples I know.  One is tidier.  One is more responsible.  One is more emotional.  One is more flighty/unpredictable.  No couple I have met has each partner fully, equally capable in all thigns at all times.  Sometimes it shifts based on health and other circumstances, sometimes one is just usually stronger than the other.  You are obvioulsy the stronger one.  As the woman, this can run contrary to ideas we as a society have about strong sensible male head of households, with the woman as the more dependent personality.  I've even made  comment to a friend who insists she a female version of my H (it sounds weird, and I don't doubt she's got some fleas her H has to help manage, but yeah, they ahve a lot in common, and I ahve a lot in common with her H as far as my coping techniques for life) that I sometimes hate how I feel I fill more of the "guy" role as far as having to be super rational, tamp down on emotional responses to things, be steadfast so H ca have his panics and his freak outs.   

Its easy to resent a mommy role.  I hate it when I've felt like that.  But it comes down to not doing things to enable, and you are right, he needs to pay his own card or the price for eating out too much.  It will be good you can still stay at your parents', while he adjusts to this new level of responsibility.

I agree you need to tell him in person, quickly, briefly, with as little attempt to explain as possible.  Just say, "not paying it anymore - you are capable of doing it.  So do it.