Pretty devastated...

[Rayban]

Let's look at the series of events;

1. She breaks up with you saying she needs space. (Translation I've found someone else Im grooming, but I still want you around as insurance)

2. A few weeks go by, the replacement is not around, maybe they had an argument, so she calls you, and becomes intimate with you. It's her weapon to keep you attached.

3. Replacement has gone through grooming passed her screening, and you are offered friendship for your troubles. (See this often on this board. In BPD talk this means go take a hike, I'm done with you, but I need you on standby in case I need you for triangulation or to fix my car or something like that.

4. You are naturally in limbo and in so much pain  (I've been there and I sympathize with you). You aren't able to realize it right now but she gave you the gift of freedom. As Pretty Woman mentioned you hold the power right now.

5. You have alot of questions right now, and a lot of resentment, which is perfectly normal. You wish to have a discussion with her seeking closure.  That won't happen . You might see her again, and that time she will finish you off.

My friend, sorry if I'm blunt here but here are the facts;

You almost lost your life because of her, you've lost your job, your family is keeping there distance and your reaction is that you want to go back for more. I know you love her, but you have to start thinking with your head here. You want blouse?  Then stand up polish yourself, and get the help needed to become somone she should regret losing.  Start with baby steps, but your goal should be to show not only her, but the whole world that you rose above a difficult situation making you stronger,  and a better person then she could ever be. Stay strong.

[Pretty Woman]

Rayban gives very good advice. We know it hurts, God we know. I feel for you, I really do. I almost lost my job... .and for what?

I am very fortunate I have a great boss and work for a good company. I had to pull it together or she would have gotten the best of every part of me.

Don't let your ex get the best of you. You can still succeed in life. She is NOT the end all be all. It may feel like it now, but give yourself time, and give yourself credit. Stop worrying about what she is doing. What she is doing is not relevant. You are no longer in a relationship with her. Now is the time to work on what you CAN control.

You and your life.

What do you want, Msh? What makes Msh happy? What is your plan to reach that happiness?

[HelenaHandbasket]

Hi msh--I think so many of us have been where you are now (whether we've dated pwBPD or not), in terms of the heartbreak and wondering what we might have done to deserve it. I know it hurts SO much, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. I hope you're being kind to yourself right now and leaning on your support system. Do you think it might be a good idea to talk with a therapist? A good therapist can be a huge help. I was in a dysfunctional, emotionally abusive relationship years ago and knew I needed to leave but couldn't bring myself to do it. I started seeing a therapist with the sole purpose of getting myself strong enough to leave, and it worked beautifully. I've NEVER regretted leaving and now I'm happily married to the best guy in the world. Maybe therapy would help you feel stronger.

[msh28]

Honestly, I'm THAT angry I feel like driving my car into her living room.

I don't understand the need to blatantly lie to someone's face and HOW on earth they can't even show even a little hint of guilt. I mean, I'm in the hospital and all she wanted to do was get away, what kind of sick person is that? I don't think I'm ever gonna look at things differently now, I just feel spite.

Then to string me along saying she's not with anybody and asking me if I'm with anyone (with no intention of trying to get back with me) What the F***?

We broke up not even a month ago and she's already got someone living there with her. What kind of a slut is that?

[Rayban]

Re-read your op my man. Think about what you wrote. You're at a going away party for a coworker, and she's off talking with her ex. You're on the sideline. She makes sure you see her arguing with her ex, and you watch him walk away, almost crying. She nexes her plan to drive you home for the opportunity to triangulate you with him. Despite the argument, he accepts a ride from her, you refuse the lift, and she leaves with him. Like you mention this was a redflag that you decided to dismiss. She agreed to date you, but he got the ride.

You're measuring stick should be her actions not her words. I obviously dont know if this guy is still in her life, but I could tell you that it's highly likely that that's the role she had lined up for you.

You probably want to deny this, despite seeing it with your own eyes, but this is the tip of the iceberg. She as a myrade of guys on the sideline.  :)o you want to be part of them?

The reality is that you want her to confirm to you that you were somewhat special maybe different?

Don't waste another second of your time with her. Words are cheap. Judge by her actions. Rise above.  :)on't let her destroy you.

[HelenaHandbasket]

Does this person enrich your life?  Does this relationship make you feel safe, like you have a soft place to fall with this woman?  Do you like the person you are in this relationship?

If not, then I think the path is clear.

[msh28]

We're not in a relationship any more it's just annoying that she's keeping me hanging on to crumbs.

I'm pretty sure she's seeing somebody else but why won't she admit it? We aren't together any more I just want to know whether or not to move on and start seeing other people. It doesn't seem fair she's keeping communication open for what?

How can I make her regret her decision or is it too late for that now?

[HelenaHandbasket]

I understand that you're not together at the moment--I was just trying to give you some things to think about in terms of deciding whether you'd take her back if she asked you.

My two cents: I don't think there is any way for you to MAKE her regret her decision--remember that these are people who have very little control over their own emotions and whose actions and reactions tend to be very counterintuitive (making their motives hard to figure out). And even if there were a way to make her regret her choices, is that important in the long run? What will focusing on that accomplish other than keeping you tied to her emotionally and giving her that much more power over you?

She very well may regret it someday, and I really believe that the old saying "living well is the best revenge" is 100% true. My hope for you is that you will soon feel ready to start moving on and leaving this pain in your rearview mirror. I don't think you'll be able to do that if you are focused on revenge or making her regret her decision to leave you. I know all this is MUCH easier said than done (believe me--I have a history of dysfunctional relationships myself--before I met my awesome husband I basically dated one nightmare after another). But my experiences have taught me that the hard work of moving on from a toxic relationship is more than worth it. Sometimes it takes EVERYTHING you've got to force yourself to cut off contact, not open their emails, not take their calls, not check up on them online, etc. But eventually you will find yourself getting stronger, and chances are you will look back on this relationship and think "oh my GOD I'm glad I'm out of that."

So to answer your question, yes. I think you should move on and start seeing other people.  I'd also encourage you to talk to a therapist. It was hugely helpful for me; it really helped me understand why I kept getting involved with dysfunctional men, why I didn't think I deserved better than that.  It helped me get stronger and learn to stand up for myself, and I was finally able to break that pattern of dysfunction. I know all this is easier said than done, but I wish you all the luck in the world. Hang in there--I know you're in a tough place right now.

[heartandwhole]

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