Almost ready to start the divorce process

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am at the point where I think it's time.

Some of you already know me. 
I have been married to a uBPDw since Jan 2013, with a son (b. Oct 2013).
For a long time my relationship with my wife has been civil at best. At worst she has been hostile and angry.  I can't remember the last time I had a "chat" with my wife. Our interactions now are purely transactional ("Have you fed the fish today?". Her emotional instability is insufferable and the rages and/or silent treatment triggered by perceived offences are daily occurrences now.  I can't take much more of this "marriage".  I have made efforts to improve our relationship in the past but recognise that it's futile. She is what she is.

The question is how to exit.

She's a SAHM with no income.  She quit he job as a secretary on the birth of our son. We are living of my very modest income and only just making ends meet.  Our house is rented accommodation provided by my employer who pays the rent.  So whoever moves out is going to have to spend money we don't have on a place to live.

I would like 50% custody and I am not seeking to spoil my son's and his mother's relationship. Our son attends a private school in which I work and I have a 80% discount on the fees, so I would like him to continue to attend it as it is definitely the best school possible for him in the region.

We have very little in terms of assets to divide. She has a house in her name an hour or so from here and although I helped pay the last couple of years of its mortgage (it's paid off now), I really don't want to fight for a share of it.  I have nothing of significance of my own to lose.

When should I tell her of my desire to split?  Should I go to a lawyer first? Should we separate first?  Would I have to pay for everything for her forever?  We can barely survive as a single household on just my income as it is.

I know the law varies from place to place, state to state, country to country, but I'm just wondering how divorce generally works for no-fault divorces in single income households with a kid.

[Dragon72]

I am at the point where I think it's time.

Some of you already know me. 
I have been married to a uBPDw since Jan 2013, with a son (b. Oct 2013).
For a long time my relationship with my wife has been civil at best. At worst she has been hostile and angry.  I can't remember the last time I had a "chat" with my wife. Our interactions now are purely transactional ("Have you fed the fish today?". Her emotional instability is insufferable and the rages and/or silent treatment triggered by perceived offences are daily occurrences now.  I can't take much more of this "marriage".  I have made efforts to improve our relationship in the past but recognise that it's futile. She is what she is.

The question is how to exit.

She's a SAHM with no income.  She quit he job as a secretary on the birth of our son. We are living of my very modest income and only just making ends meet.  Our house is rented accommodation provided by my employer who pays the rent.  So whoever moves out is going to have to spend money we don't have on a place to live.

I would like 50% custody and I am not seeking to spoil my son's and his mother's relationship. Our son attends a private school in which I work and I have a 80% discount on the fees, so I would like him to continue to attend it as it is definitely the best school possible for him in the region.

We have very little in terms of assets to divide. She has a house in her name an hour or so from here and although I helped pay the last couple of years of its mortgage (it's paid off now), I really don't want to fight for a share of it.  I have nothing of significance of my own to lose.

When should I tell her of my desire to split?  Should I go to a lawyer first? Should we separate first?  Would I have to pay for everything for her forever?  We can barely survive as a single household on just my income as it is.

I know the law varies from place to place, state to state, country to country, but I'm just wondering how divorce generally works for no-fault divorces in single income households with a kid.

[ForeverDad]

Well, you have been married for less than 5 years, so you don't have a "long" marriage.  Court will not expect you to pay alimony, or not for very long.  At most it would be half the length of the marriage and probably much less.

However, the longer you delay handling this in a legal format such as with divorce, the greater risk you have for some alimony or longer alimony.

Since she has been SAHM for years, court may be inclined to let her continue being the parent with 'majority' time.  It is up to you to challenge that perception and present your facts and documentation that her parenting is unstable or whatever and your parenting is more stable and better long term for the children.  We encourage the fathers here to seek at least 50% parenting time.  You may not get it at first but over time your spouse's behavior patterns may give the court basis to increase your parenting over time.  (I started with alternate weekends, moved to equal time, then full custody, then majority time.  It wasn't quick, that occurred over a span of about 8 years.)  The key is to get as much parenting responsibility and parenting time as soon as possible.  If you start with a lousy temp order then it can be even more of an uphill challenge to get improvements.

Mine was a high conflict situation before, during and after the divorce.  I recall my son's lawyer (Guardian ad Litem) reasoning that she wanted my ex to get child support in expectation she would behave better.  Didn't happen and I had to go back to court again.

You will probably have to approach the employment issue as this... .she worked before having the child, she can return to work again.  She will resist that so it may end up being after the separation or divorce.  But that doesn't mean you sit back and let her delay all she wants.  Court likely won't force her to work, but you need to have the stance in court that she's capable of working and returning to work will be better for all.  If she claims she has a small child and has to be SAHM, then you will need to speak up that (1) you two can use daycare and (2) once your child is old enough for school then less daycare may be needed.  The fact is that literally tens of millions of mothers work and daycare (or a sitter, perhaps a stable relative or friend) is a common sense solution.

Even if she isn't currently working you can request the court to impute her potential income.  So if you're earning $40K per year then it's not $40K vs $0K comparison, it's more like $40K vs 20K.  See?  Imputing her income does help the bottom line!

[Dragon72]

Thanks for the advice. It's interesting to get a general idea of how it might work.

I'm actually in Mexico and it could be wildly different to what you described. 
I need to speak to a lawyer really, but I'm a bit clueless on how to choose a good one who I might be able to afford and who has experience with "difficult" adversaries. 

I imagine that the Mexican system might be slanted towards favouring the mother's rights over those of the father when it comes to custody issues.

We'll see.  Thanks again.