Things were good and now they are not...

[Pina colada]

My sister has BPD and other mental health issues.  I have gone no contact several times because she tramples boundaries; contacting my friends on social media, private messaging romantic interests, calling my house at all hours which resulted in having to change my number.  She is almost 8 years older and in her mid 60"s.  She was terribly abusive to me as a child so there was no bonding in childhood.  when I was 13 she apologized, I forgave her.  We became fast friends but little did I know she was betraying all my secrets I shared to our mom.  She also added lies to her stories, and on it goes.  A year or so ago our father was very ill.  I am the only child that lives in the same state.  BPD sis reached out and I embraced.  We talks things through.  We decided we liked having each other in our lives.  We talked but I was guarded and weary.  Sixmonths ago I was going through a hard time romantically, my sister was awesome and I will never forget her kindness.  Once that was resolved everything changed.  She was back to telling me what I could talk about, whom I could talk about etc.  I pulled back.  My sister and I so different.  My sister is into ego and higher self, we don't die, etc.  I believe in God.  I know she was frustrated when I couldn't relate to her thinking but I don't believe that way.  Also, my sister, aside from BPD has a lot of other mental health issues and is taking a lot of meds.  If I point something out she has said or done she will say she can not think about her words.  Basically she feels she can say anything to me and not be held accountable, but I am very sensitive.  We have no interests that are the same etc.  I started sticking up for myself which she didn't like and accused me of being mean.  Perhaps I was, but she has no filter.  About a month a go she texted me that she was not calling me on purpose, it's nothing bad, (the reason why) but she won't tell me why.  Huh?  Who does that.  I decided to do medium chill and not respond.  She kept mentioning to my dad, whom is older and not well I am ignoring her.  I texted and told her I am busy with working full time, taking care of our dad whom is sick, daughters college graduation, other daughters wedding shower, three birthdays all in one month.  I also told her she should visit dad and help.  Suffice to say she blocked me after sending several texts, emails, etc.  They all end the same way that I should not bother responding because she won't read anything.  That of course was one of my biggest complaints when we were speaking that she can say what she wants but I can't respond.  Anyways, just venting.  I guess this is just how it is with family members with BPD/NPD.

[LittleBlueTruck]

She sounds absolutely exhausting (and familiar, I guess that's why we're all here). You must be so, so tired of all this. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I read your story and for just a brief time, I felt a glimpse of what you're going through. You sound like you're a very good sister and have managed to keep healthy boundaries despite how difficult that often is. Good luck to you.

[Pina colada]

LittleBlueTruck thank you for kind and validating words.  I appreciate you saying I am a good sister because personally sometimes she is right and I can be "mean".  I just have no tolerance for her lack of responsibility for many things she says and does that are hurtful.  When we have relationships with people, be it family, friends, strangers, we do need to watch what we say at times.  If we all just spoke our minds, no one would get along. Back in February, she was supposed to stay with me for a few nights.  We were going to have a girls weekend.  She was taking the train in my town.  Her daughter also lives near so she would see us both.  She was texting me and calling me and we were not connecting.  I work full time.  She works very part time.  We worked opposite times that week.  Then my dad was ill.  He lives almost 50 miles away (100 round trip).  I was going over there to help him, clean, get him food, trash etc.  We didn't connect until Thursday.  Before I could call her she had accidentally called my phone and there was a five minute long message.  She was talking to her husband and didn't know she called and was saying terrible things about me.  She said I was blowing her off, things about my kids and she does not know them etc.  When I told her about it she said she didn't know she called me but it was a private conversation between her and her husband.  While that is true she likes to tell others what I am thinking, feeling, my relationships with my kids (which are all great, I have amazing kids)! etc.  While it was accident it was still upsetting and she cancelled her trip and I was looking forward to it and blamed me... .Yes she is so exhausting.  The crazy thing is before I knew she had BPD or what it was, I assumed all relationships with family members could be this crazy... .What is your story LittleBlueTruck?

[LittleBlueTruck]

It's hard to be expected to have superhuman patience and understanding and then be held to an impossible standard when you have a very human response to the chaos. I think it is understandable if you sometimes have human failings! Although, it is bizarre to consider them failings when you eventually respond in a negative way to a constant onslaught of negative treatment. In normal relationships, that is just cause and effect!

I am also sometimes "mean." Part of the way I know my pwBPD has had a big impact on me is that I feel equally guilty when I have done nothing but she's spinning it as when I legitimately do something unkind.

The person in my life is my mom. She lives with me and will provide childcare for my two young children when I return from maternity leave (rapidly approaching). She's more inward focused. Her "outbursts" involve just absolutely horrible character assasination of whoever is taking care of her at the moment (she has been financially dependent on others since I was about 19). She can seem perfectly fine and normal and if a relative or friend visits, she will pull them aside and talk about the abuse and humiliation and neglect she is suffering. She will then turn around and lavishly praise you for her excellent treatment and tell you how happy she is.

 When I was a child, her BPD manifested by her isolating her children and feeding us narratives of how horribly we were treated by pretty much everyone but her. There was no medical care, food insecurity, and we moved constantly. She seems to be particularly unable to love me. She is wonderful with small children but as my son gets closer to being an older child who can understand subtle emotional manipulation, I will have to send her away for their protection.

Sometimes I feel like my words have lost their power to describe the deep pain this has caused. Or I'm afraid I sound overdramatic. But it's been a type of very deep identity fracturing hurt for as long as I can remember. A hurt I can't show her or ask her to help with, because no emotion will ever be as important as the one she is experiencing at that moment.