Having a hard day... looking for support

[cbm419]

social media is a curse to us Exes of BPDs.

Caught myself reviewing pictures from when we were together, how much he changed, how it was literally years of pictures of us.  I saw the kind of sad, melancholic photos he used to post before he met met, and the bright smiles in the time we were together. And now, the sad guy is back since we broke up 6 months ago.

I keep slipping into the rut of "thoughtless hope"- "forgetful wanting" - "abuse amnesia."

my heart is trying to make my brain forget:

The physical abuse: permanent titanium plates in my face from it
The cheating: over 50 instances over 3 years, being cheated on as a knee jerk to any fight or request for space if we had an unresolvable disagreement (which could be anything from a major decision/choice by one partner, or me not liking a song he liked... .and not understanding "how important" music was in his life.)
The Rages: I mean, we all know how those go, though mine were pretty intense (see: physical abuse)
The dissociation: Elvis leaving the building for hours up to days of silent treatments
The codependency: two way attachment that led to isolation, loss of friends, substance abuse
The childlike behavior: him acting like a baby all the time, can't make a decision without my input, then snapping at me if he didnt like one small aspect of my advice... .
The forced attention: If i made separate plans, being spammed over text the entire time, or some inevitable crisis that required me to leave, my friends getting sick of me being present only in body but never able to commit to them attentively.

yet here i sit at work, frozen with remorse, sadness, longing for him.  I hate this so much. 

He has not discarded me.  has been sleeping around lightly, but always contacts me trying to win me back.  We live 3 hours apart now, i have a new job in a new city, am in recovery from alcoholism (he smokes weed and drinks heavily practically every day).  Its just not going to happen.  But my stupid heart and my stupid feelings cycle so much. If we talk its a mix of fighting or longing from one person or us both (usually just him), that always slides into a fight of some form or another.

I hate this.  I've never had a breakup like this.  I mean, any sane person would view our relationship history and run for the hills.  yet here I am, waxing romantically over him.  I find myself seeking people that remind me of him on the dating scene (DANGEROUS).  My therapist tells me to accept my emotions and thoughts, process and challenge them with logic, and over time it will be easier to reframe these emotions and thoughts as negative, and over time they will pass and become less frequent.

Its not working so great today, to say the least.

sorry for the rambling post, its just a bad day.
 

[allienoah]

It is terrible that you are feeling so low today. PLEASE remember the physical abuse first and foremost. NOBODY has the right to do that to you. You will be sad. I deleted my social media as I don't even want to know what is going on with him. And as he did with me and my almost-replacement after a break-up-he trolls. Remember you are safe being 3 hours away and keep yourself safe. I found that listening to affirmation cd's in the car to and from work help me. I was never the new-agey type of person, but I needed someone telling me positive things about myself. My friends/family all just think I am insane for always taking my bf back. It is so difficult to stop the rumination, but please try to focus on all of the ugliness.

[asiyah93]

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I totally understand.

As the above poster said, please remember the abuse. Never forget it. It hurts to remember but think about it: you're already hurt from missing him. To remember how he wronged you and how he put you in real danger may cause you pain but it is necessary for your survival. You will have days when you revert back to missing him. That's ok; IT HAPPENS. Be compassionate with yourself and at the same time be realistic; take off the rose-colored glasses and remember that he put you in real danger and harm, and that you have a right to live in safety. Write things down, vent to your papers, let it all out.

[lovenature]

Sorry to hear you are hurting cbm.

It is very difficult to go from a flicker of hope to no hope at all. Without years of therapy to "manage" their traits a PWBPD will only get worse the closer you try to get; unconditional love triggers fear of engulfment the most.

If you really want to heal you need to stay NC, our minds and hearts need time away from the craziness to normalize again, and along with enough knowledge we can get to live a better way of life.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi cbm419,

I can empathise with exactly how you are feeling.  I too was there at the outset of my break up with my physically abusive exBPDbf.  Now feel blessed though to have escaped the titanium... Can't imagine the physical pain you must have gone through to need those.  Just awful and enough to give you nightmares I'm sure, without all the rest of the emotional stuff that's heaped on us.  Please rest assured that my days like the one you're describing are far FAR fewer now in frequency and intensity due to one major difference.  Strict no contact.  It's been the magic pill. 

Keep posting too and look after yourself. 

Love and light x