Never wants to talk about the hard stuff

[Bigboypants]

Hi guys,

It can be very frustrating. I'm generally very expressive, i like to talk about things and work through things. The last 3.5 out of 5 years there has been no intimacy at all.
We have tried psychologists... .it gets too hard and she doesn't want to go anymore. I try be proactive... .and nothing back!  Every time i want to discuss it it ends up in an argument.

I miss affection, physical touch and there is none what so ever.

Like everyone here there is so much more i could rant on about but the relationship has basically some to this point.

What is it inside someone that the little switches... switches too enough is enough and i need to move on... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry that you're having to go through all of that. It can definitely be hard, and the lack of physical affection just adds to the strain. I think that many of us here can relate to that.

I'm a bit confused by your question at the end. Are you asking how/when a person knows that it's time to walk away from the relationship?

That is dependent on the individual and their circumstances. We each have our own level of tolerance, inner strength, and priorities. A relationship that works for one person does not necessarily work for another. No one can, nor should they, tell another when enough is enough in a relationship.

As for her not wanting to talk to you about things, it may be very hard for her to do. People who present BPD traits tend to have an intense shame response. There are communication strategies that can be helpful in getting others to be more open and communicative about what they are experiencing inside. Listening with empathy and not invalidating the other person can go a long way at making that happen.

You mentioned seeking outside help with the relationship. Did you ever work on communication skills in those sessions?

[Bigboypants]

cheers and i appreciate the response.

In regards to the internal switch that tells you i need to leave i mean that people from the outside including if i try and remove myself from the situation says i should leave... but i don't. i stay and persist. I live  with things like oh today was a better day... things might improve or i constantly shift my time frame.

We went to a number of relationship psych sessions. To me it seemed she knew to say all the right things in the sessions and then once we leave it seems to go back to the usual ways very quickly.

I guess 2 of the hardest things i find are people who cant say thank you and cant say sorry. Its so bizaare like they are always right no matter what. And even when they are wrong they will just argue until you are too be blamed.  I recognise the provocative behaviours now and act accordingly... .most of the time anyhow. Occasionally i tip and get annoyed back and say stuff!... .Its damn hard!

At times it just feels like we are flat mates sharing bed... .behind the scenes stuff of course. In the public we look like we are the best couple ever

aarrgghhhhh

[Karmajoy]

It's called splitting behavior. I have also had a roommate for a husband from the start. What are your boundaries? What do you get out of the relationship?

[Meili]

All of those things are easily relatable by many of the members here, Bigboypants. I experienced everything that you wrote... .everything... .

It was hard for me to understand until I started to learn more about BPD, then it all became eerily clear. But, the clarity eventually provided comfort as I learned more and understood how to better navigate the situation.

I think that what Karmajoy was getting at when asking about boundaries is that defining and maintaining them can go a long way in helping to keep you safe.