After 3 years of NC and well being I suddenly want her back.

[lm911]

Hello there,
It has been 3 years since our no contact and I have being doing very well, having being thinking about her, going on with my life and suddenly my memories are back, I want some closure from her, my irrational thoughts are on again and I am on the urge to contact her even though I know that if I do it, I wll be in the FOG again.
I know I must be strong and this crisis will go away but I am scared that I may do a stupid thing and contact her.'
Do you have similar crisis and how long they last?

[itgetsbetter94]

Make a "for when I miss her" list and have it by your side when the crisis kicks. Write down all the reasons why you had to go NC and remind yourself when you feel the urge to contact her.
I think it's because of the holidays, we become sentimental and nostalgic.
Stay strong

[heartandwhole]

Hi lm911,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having irrational thoughts and feeling pulled to contact your ex. That can be frustrating to deal with.

I'm glad to hear that things have been going well for you. Has there been anything lately that might be causing stress, or feelings of loneliness, or anything like that? I ask, because in my experience, in times of "negative" feelings, we tend to look for comfort and security in familiar people and situations.

It's quite normal and if you allow yourself to feel the feelings without putting judgements on them, they will pass. What I mean is, really feel the sensations of the urge to reach out, without acting on it. If you let yourself feel, and give yourself time, the urge passes and you feel like yourself again. I also like to breathe deeply and do something physical at times like that.

Even if you do contact her, the world is not going to crash. I promise.    We'll help you get back on track.

heartandwhole

[gotbushels]

Hi lm911  

I want to join the others in supporting you through this time.  

From time to time I think it seems quite expected for the non to want to go back into the relationship.

Do you have similar crisis and how long they last?

I had the blessing of not many crises after the last breakup. Subsequently, I guess it was more a feeling of a want of a relationship with the non-pwBPD part of her. I think it lasts longer if you fight the feeling and let it nag you.

I strongly encourage you to do one of the suggestions from   heartandwhole and   itgetsbetter94.

It's quite normal and if you allow yourself to feel the feelings without putting judgements on them, they will pass. What I mean is, really feel the sensations of the urge to reach out, without acting on it. If you let yourself feel, and give yourself time, the urge passes and you feel like yourself again. I also like to breathe deeply and do something physical at times like that.

I think this works extremely well and I hope you'll try it.

Make a "for when I miss her" list and have it by your side when the crisis kicks. Write down all the reasons why you had to go NC and remind yourself when you feel the urge to contact her.

I had a list that was the stuff I really disliked about her. It didn't have to be BPD stuff - just stuff I greatly disliked. I'm sure if you had huge devaluations you can think of some. So I think this works too--but I didn't call it a pleasant name.  My list was quite long but all I found that I needed was 2 or 3 things I hugely disliked and it helped me mind come back to where I wanted it to be.

Good luck!  

[Lucky Jim]

What I mean is, really feel the sensations of the urge to reach out, without acting on it. If you let yourself feel, and give yourself time, the urge passes and you feel like yourself again. I also like to breathe deeply and do something physical at times like that.

Hey Im911, I agree w/H&W above: It's normal to miss your Ex from time to time, which you are right to acknowledge.  On the other hand, just because you have those feelings doesn't mean that you should act on them.  Instead, I suggest you sit with your feelings and just observe, without the need to do anything.  It's about what you can learn by leaning into your own feelings of loneliness, I suggest, rather than looking to your Ex to relieve those uncomfortable feelings.  Make sense?

LuckyJim

[girlexplorer]

Hi Gotbushels,
Great suggestion about the list. I have to remind myself of the reasons why I went no contact, when I start missing him, and sometimes it comes on suddenly, I take out my mind list and then I know that I did the right thing. There is sunshine out there!
Girlexplorer

[truthbeknown]

I have been three months out and i still have days where my mind goes back to the "good memories" and tries to bypass the reality.  One thing that does help me is to look at a meme that i have downloaded to my phone from Rhonda Freeman at NeuroInstincts website.  She focuses more on narcissistic disorder but since there is overlap between BPD and npd i think it still applies.  Here's what she says:

"your love cannot give them the ability to generate Oxytocin,   Simmer down an overactive reward system, heal a disordered amygdala, strengthen the frontal lobes, increase gray matter in the insula, or form neuroconnections between their prefrontal cortex and limbic reward system.   This is only a partial list of what is needed to change them!"

One of my friends who went through Narcissistic abuse has pointed me towards several resources including Sandra Browns work because they help the survivors focus on the anatomy of the brain and therefore helping to understand that it is a physical and chemical problem in the brain.  This type of resource is to aid in assisting us to depersoanlize the reasons why they changed their behavior, left us or slept with someone else. 

the way it has been helping me is that i no longer am trying to forget about the good times or feel tortured by the thought, "why doesn't she love me anymore" and i can focus on how difficult it is to be the caregiver of someone with a brain injury.  The type of brain injury throws us off because we see them doing normal activities in life and being with other partners (if we know about it) but I have been re-enforcing my conditioning that mental illness is mental illness and like Rhonda says, love can't change brain structures.

I have a slight advantage in my recovery in that my ex partner got off meds and then things went haywire.  However, I'll probably write a separate post about it but this month (a few days ago) was the one year anniversary and I took a day to myself and mourned the day she got off meds and basically my beloved started turning into someone else.   Try those resources and see if that helps?  But i totally feel your pain because i miss my sweet ex before she got off the meds.  Some days i also allow myself to enjoy the fantasy that the old beloved comes back but then i wake myself up from that dream and tell myself the fantasy is better then the new version of what she has become.

[lm911]

Thank you all for the replies  
I am not so sure it is all about genetics, it is about enviorment, as well. But we should not be focussed so much on them and why they are such creatures, but why we went into this, and why we still hope for a miracle or even want them... .

[truthbeknown]

after reading those resources and how the trauma of these relationships affects us in their professional opinion we focus way too much on what we did wrong and that is what keeps us stuck.  Sometimes we just run into people who have these types of brains and yes environment can shape that just as our response to leaving causes stress on our brains.  But the important take away for me is that they are different and understanding the physiology helps.  Last night my friend was watching a show on tv where the president started acting really aggressive and paranoid.  Eventually they were able to vote to force him to get medical care.  they found out he had a tumor in his brain that was causing his prefrontal cortex to shut down.  Borderlines and Narcissists typically have very low prefrontal cortex function. We just don't know it when we meet them.  So in summary i think knowing that their are physiological reasons why they reject us and can't bond helps us deal with the trauma.  It doesn't make it better or easier just helps our brains have a reason which helps our own healing.   At least it is helping for me and others who those doctors work with recover. 

[calledandchosen]

Hey all,

I too experience missing my ex after four years apart.

I think the reason I go back to these feelings for my ex is because it was true love.  Just because we can't be together doesn't mean I don't still carry feelings for him.  Grief is similar, in that we must learn to live with the feelings of grief. 

I think it's okay to check in with the person to see if he/she has changed, because you never know what kind of work God has been doing on their heart.  Keep praying for them.  Keep dating other people.  Remain true and honest with yourself, first and foremost.  The answer may not be simple, but neither is life.