Finally met someone new and BPD ex goes into recycle panic

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi there, I'd really love advice or to hear anyone's similar experiences...
I finally met someone post BPD r/s who I actually connect with! But here's the story prior, and I'm now feeling confused... .

After 4 years of knowing my BPD ex, some of that time spent with him, some of it without, with all the hard and hurrendous and beautiful moments you can all imagine, and after Many months apart... .he slowly started to resurface.

So fast forward, we had lunch, after the lunch, there was a little more communication. We had more chats about the past, talked about some of the meds he was trying etc. He tried to increase contact, I kept it at a pretty good level though... .I thought... and the few times I allowed myself to get my hopes up in my romantic imagination, he reminded me of his sudden push away skills. Eg- a normal message, followed by a mysterious trigger and then a bit of silent treatment, or, "you didn't ask me about (insert random important event here) which means I felt abandoned so I don't think we should talk anymore... "

(He really had been trying in his way to keep healthy happy open communication with me, and only mini raged a couple of times, but I never know what to trust with him anymore. One shut down and it reminds me of the bigger scale pain I'd been though).

It spurred me onto a dating app, and low and behold, I actually met someone good! But I wasn't instantly sure about the new guy, and my ex came to see me around the same time I'd just been on a first date. Anyway, I really thought my ex just wanted a chat and cup of tea, but then... .yes, I slept with him! I SO didn't plan that!  So after all those months, I crumbled! (I might add, I've never been more attracted to anyone as I am to my ex, so hey, these things happen... .I guess... ?) He was saying all the sweetest things and listening (and seducing!)
But after it, I thought, I'm not going to get too attached to what just happened. I asked him how he felt about it, he said he didn't really have answers for anything long term and was scared to hurt me again. But vaguely showed he wasn't cutting off yet. I said ok. But really had wanted something more to indicate he might be a bit more serious... and around that time he threw another classic push/pull moment at me...
I went on another 2 dates with the guy I'd met. Really started to like him. I went quieter on responding to ex. Tried to phase it out. Felt I'd given him the chance to speak up or let me move on. My ex comes back along and says, so what about that conversation we were having about me and you... ?
Suddenly kept saying constantly he wanted to come see me more (sleep with me... ), I said no, we haven't made any plan that's solid etc. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I felt meeting this new person was something I should stick with if we had a chance.
I told my ex I'd met someone. His messages got ugly for a while, understandably. He started texting me crazily when he thought I might be out on a date. He wanted to talk about it, said if I couldn't see him, could I PLEASE at least phone talk to him. And THEN, during these phone talks, my heart got torn again, from the loving things he was saying.

So weeks later I'm just sad and confused. I was just getting to a nice place with this new person, but my ex confessed he truly did want to try again. Said he wanted me to walk out on new guy, but also said he did understand I shouldn't risk all for him, as there are no guarantees. I hated even having such conversations behind new guys back. New guy is now calling me his girlfriend and things are just going down that road. I guess my ex was leaping out onto that road in high vis, saying all the 'right' things... .painful/alluring/ridiculous/heartfelt/loving/crazy/not crazy... .he's expressing all the commitment I wanted to hear for so long. It's hard to hear without my heart getting swept up. But new guy is into me, and I really like him. AND he's been with 2 borderlines! So he gets it. Sex is not as good,  but still pretty good, nothing can compare with my ex in that way, so,... ya know... .

Has anyone had any cross over stories like this? Or given up someone new for the ex and then regretted it? Or had BPD ex suddenly confess undying love cos you met someone new... ? Or does anyone want to tell me what an idiot I am for my weak ass non boundaries?  

[Zinnia21]

Hi there, I'd really love advice or to hear anyone's similar experiences...
I finally met someone post BPD r/s who I actually connect with! But here's the story prior, and I'm now feeling confused... .

After 4 years of knowing my BPD ex, some of that time spent with him, some of it without, with all the hard and hurrendous and beautiful moments you can all imagine, and after Many months apart... .he slowly started to resurface.

So fast forward, we had lunch, after the lunch, there was a little more communication. We had more chats about the past, talked about some of the meds he was trying etc. He tried to increase contact, I kept it at a pretty good level though... .I thought... and the few times I allowed myself to get my hopes up in my romantic imagination, he reminded me of his sudden push away skills. Eg- a normal message, followed by a mysterious trigger and then a bit of silent treatment, or, "you didn't ask me about (insert random important event here) which means I felt abandoned so I don't think we should talk anymore... "

(He really had been trying in his way to keep healthy happy open communication with me, and only mini raged a couple of times, but I never know what to trust with him anymore. One shut down and it reminds me of the bigger scale pain I'd been though).

It spurred me onto a dating app, and low and behold, I actually met someone good! But I wasn't instantly sure about the new guy, and my ex came to see me around the same time I'd just been on a first date. Anyway, I really thought my ex just wanted a chat and cup of tea, but then... .yes, I slept with him! I SO didn't plan that!  So after all those months, I crumbled! (I might add, I've never been more attracted to anyone as I am to my ex, so hey, these things happen... .I guess... ?) He was saying all the sweetest things and listening (and seducing!)
But after it, I thought, I'm not going to get too attached to what just happened. I asked him how he felt about it, he said he didn't really have answers for anything long term and was scared to hurt me again. But vaguely showed he wasn't cutting off yet. I said ok. But really had wanted something more to indicate he might be a bit more serious... and around that time he threw another classic push/pull moment at me...
I went on another 2 dates with the guy I'd met. Really started to like him. I went quieter on responding to ex. Tried to phase it out. Felt I'd given him the chance to speak up or let me move on. My ex comes back along and says, so what about that conversation we were having about me and you... ?
Suddenly kept saying constantly he wanted to come see me more (sleep with me... ), I said no, we haven't made any plan that's solid etc. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I felt meeting this new person was something I should stick with if we had a chance.
I told my ex I'd met someone. His messages got ugly for a while, understandably. He started texting me crazily when he thought I might be out on a date. He wanted to talk about it, said if I couldn't see him, could I PLEASE at least phone talk to him. And THEN, during these phone talks, my heart got torn again, from the loving things he was saying.

So weeks later I'm just sad and confused. I was just getting to a nice place with this new person, but my ex confessed he truly did want to try again. Said he wanted me to walk out on new guy, but also said he did understand I shouldn't risk all for him, as there are no guarantees. I hated even having such conversations behind new guys back. New guy is now calling me his girlfriend and things are just going down that road. I guess my ex was leaping out onto that road in high vis, saying all the 'right' things... .painful/alluring/ridiculous/heartfelt/loving/crazy/not crazy... .he's expressing all the commitment I wanted to hear for so long. It's hard to hear without my heart getting swept up. But new guy is into me, and I really like him. AND he's been with 2 borderlines! So he gets it. Sex is not as good,  but still pretty good, nothing can compare with my ex in that way, so,... ya know... .

Has anyone had any cross over stories like this? Or given up someone new for the ex and then regretted it? Or had BPD ex suddenly confess undying love cos you met someone new... ? Or does anyone want to tell me what an idiot I am for my weak ass non boundaries?  

[hotncold]

Here is my thinking. Your BPDex still displays problematic behaviour which you clearly have a really hard time with. Yes he is in reaction to you being with someone new. His actions are therefore likely to change if you are no longer with someone new and go back to how he was before or worse. I have severed contact with my ex and am moving on. If he were to try something like your ex i would definitely not leave a healthy relationship for him. In fact the condition for my being in contact with my ex is that he get therapy and actually make serious steps to change his behaviour which is toxic and saps me of my life energy and my joy. You have to decide what your conditions are. Are the changes he is making superficial? Sex with a new partner i would say might not be great right away but likely will improve as you build trust in the relationship. Don't jump off a water tight boat for one that is full of holes just because your ex seems to be doing a bit of bailing. Just my 2 cents.

[roberto516]

This happened twice. She left for 2 months, and was so distant the whole time I was begging. Well in a conversation where she told me to bring our dog over I told her I was going on a date. She immediately got angry at me. I called that date off. Then i went NC for 4 days and she tried to reach me. She unblocked me on facebook and saw photos of me with a dear female friend out at the bar. She went ballistic. Even telling me to message this person to make sure we weren't messing around. I did it for some reason. Then I allowed myself to be recycled by her.

And then from that recycle to a few weeks ago, I don't like to admit it, but I lied about going to hang out with someone I met. Her response through text was disturbing. It was "Well then we are back together. And I want all the money you saved in your IRA for me." I told her no. I'm not proud of that. It was my ego, and honestly, wanting to have her feel something.

Anyway, that was it. The two times I hinted I was trying to move on she got extremely jealous. Especially after the first time I said I was going out on a date. For two months I asked for another chance and she ignored me. THen she starts saying "But you said you wanted to try again. So you lied to me? You're so evil, mean, etc."

Since the discard two months ago I have gone out with a couple girls, rekindled an old relationship. Nothing physical at all. Just hanging out. But they don't compare. I'm perfectly okay now being alone. If that's forever well then it's forever. I know I won't trust again and it won't be fair to a nice person. I would only end up like her where I am using someone to fill a void inside of me at their expense. How can I feel so hurt by that being done to me and then end up doing it to other people?

[OptimusRhyme]

Has anyone had any cross over stories like this? Or given up someone new for the ex and then regretted it? Or had BPD ex suddenly confess undying love cos you met someone new... ? Or does anyone want to tell me what an idiot I am for my weak ass non boundaries?  

As skip says frequently, you probably won't find too many success stories on the detaching board... .But that said, and this is anecdotal, but in my experience and the experiences I've been told about (here and elsewhere) the success rate is literally zero (where success is defined as a healthy, functioning relationship). Everyone who has given up someone new for their BPD exes has regretted it.


You're certainly not an idiot for feeling conflicted, and the tone of your post and its title might indicate you are stronger and more aware/wise about this situation than you give yourself credit for. You have a lot of very founded and valid reservations about your ex's actions. What draws you to the hope and what ifs?  

[GuySmiley]

My ex was constantly doing the push/pull thing with me for years and continually recycling me whenever her latest bloke ditched her. I kept asking for us to start over and declaring myself to her, only for it to fall onto deaf ears.

Eventually I started dating someone else and immediately my ex is calling and texting and saying how much she loved me and wanted and misses me and we should be together forever etc. By that point I'd grown so tired and weary of her crazy and I actually did like this new girl - it wasn't as intense or crazy as my BPD but we worked well together. So in an attempt to get the message across to BPDx, the next time she phoned me I let my new girl answer it - BPD had her bluff called and when my new girl asked who was calling she panicked and blustered that her name was "Sharon" (it's not - I've never know a Sharon) she then hung up. Cue numerous texts overnight followed by another text the next day telling me "I thought you were a bigger man than someone who doesn't have the courage to answer his own phone. Guess I was wrong." That weekend I went and changed my phone number and almost 10 years NC started.

Was only when she managed to got back in touch (after stalking me online) almost 10 years later did I finally leave my girlfriend as the relationship had basically run its course. I didn't leave to get back with her, I left because the current relationship really was on its last legs and I was doing my damnedest to make it work but there was zero passion there and BPDx had been on my mind for about 1 or 2 years anyway. And when BPD turned up again, I knew thats what I want - maybe not the lying or the cheating, but the passion and the romance and the excitement.

I've now been single for 4 years, back to having the push/pull thing. I do regret leaving my other relationship, but I do also know it was a completely passionless relationship - we were more like best friends/housemates than lovers. I didn't leave her for my BPDx - but I did leave the weekend she got back in touch again - the two relationships were just poles apart. I regret leaving, because I lost a very solid albeit passionless future but more importantly I hurt my very best friend in the world.

[Zinnia21]

Thankyou everyone, I really appreciate your advice. Here are some good strong points I'm hearing... .

-BPD ex partners can get jealous/angry/loving/seducing if you meet someone new
-the stalking and 'ownership' from a distance also seems to go for years in many cases (hence nc)
-it's hard for us nons to settle into a 'normal' relationship after having a BPD one
-many of us are haunted by such a deep emotional/ sexual connection with BPD ex
-many of us leave the door ajar for them, because of this feeling
-being hit with hot and cold and recycles for a long period of time is disorienting, and confusing and affects our attempts at new relationships
-despite the attempts to convince undying love, their problematic behaviour is still obvious (it doesn't go away) (of course)
-which leads me to think it's a case of 'radically accepting' the behaviour/highs and lows/the whole package... .or really really move on!
-leaving a new thing to go back to BPD r/s rarely works long term... .

Here are my difficulties that I'm wrestling with though... .
Through a lot of talking, we did come to a lot of new understandings and he was very patient and caring during that process in a real way (not a fake charming way).
It's also hard because he didn't rush into another recycle as he didn't want to hurt me, or him again, and wanted to be more sure he could trust himself or be more well. I need to give him credit for that I guess. I think he was kind of taking his time in that process (with no set idea of outcome, as such things are fragile with BPD). I guess he didn't expect I'd suddenly meet someone. But you all know how it is right? I mean, when you're life has already been on hold for a few years, what solidity is there, after so many recycles and so much 'waiting' in between them.
It becomes a blur.
I feel confused, because in that blur (where everything is on the BPD timetable of ready/not ready), I met someone pretty special.
I wasn't expecting that. I'd tried dating during other breakups with my ex (breakups I thought were permanent   ) but nothing had worked, ever!

But my ex sounds the most well and coherent he has in a long while and seems to be talking from the heart. I kept saying, we can't talk like this anymore, and trying to set a boundary for my new r/s. but... .what are boundaries to a BPD... ?
Or to me these days... after having them busted down so many times. 

Neither of us have connected in a real way with anyone new during the separations. So he panicked to think it was finally maybe happening. As stalky as he can be   I still have compassion for that.

But I also have so much FOG for him too! And am too well adapted to HIS timetable. He had many months to come at me with 'commitment' talks. So it feels wrong that it's spurred on by me meeting someone and him panicking about abandonment. Maybe that's a good point to remember... .?

So confused... feelings for new guy are pretty real, and obviously if I'm taking it further with him, I'm now sitting on the fence and needing to fall properly in one direction!

Which is bloody hard when your 'love of your life' ex pops up and says, wait! Sorry I was so slow to get this speech together... .but here goes... .!

[Zinnia21]

I'm happy for as many stories or as much reflection or advice anyone wants to share here... .and am re reading the advice / stories given so far,,, thankyou!

[GuySmiley]

I think it's useful to sit your new guy down and explain the whole BPD thing and how it affects you (perhaps you have codependency issues, perhaps not - explain that). Tell him you want the new relationship to work but explain the BPD relationship in regards to the extreme highs/lows and how it wasn't a healthy relationship but was an extremely addictive relationship and that you're also working on yourself to build a healthy relationship with him but it's not going to happen overnight. Explain your ex will try and recycle and it will be tough for you because of the addiction and FOG so you need your new guy's support and understanding. This way, if your new guy wants this to work, he can support you as and when it's needed.

All this will be dependent on you being honest and not keeping any secrets about when your ex gets back in touch and tries a recycle. Be honest each time and tell your new guy about each attempt and approach it and find strength as a couple.

Hopefully you can become close enough to your new guy to eventually block and go completely NC with your ex. But always be honest with him regarding recycling attempts, be it 12 months or 12 years down the line.

[hotncold]

Wow guysmiley... .This is such an objective yet clear way to describe the situation and deal with it in a mature way. This is even helpful for me in placing my own BPDex stuff in context. It really is an addiction. Thanks.