Why why why I love him so much ... things were so good and I'm so hurt

[CantLiveWOU1]

My SO is an attorney whom opened up to me that he was sexually abused as a child. I was so happy that he finally "trusted" me and only me with this secret but I've been doing research and I now realize this is a major thing that has caused so much dysfunction in his life. He is diagnosed BPD. And I'm far from perfect I am diagnosed BiPolar with I guess (I hate admitting this but I am working on it) some NPD traits that affect my personality. From what I know I seem to be in the reverse order, he is the male with BPD and I'm the female closer to resembling NPD, but I truly feel it is my way to avoid pain.

It kills me because I really let him in, trusted him, gave my all and he knows this so at any sign of trauma or stress he self sabotaged our relationship.

It's crazy and I've never been so hurt bc we've grown so close. I'm the first woman he ever lived with he will be 40 in July, and I just turned 30 in April. So I guess I need to talk to people and recognize triggers and situations to prepare myself for the upcoming torture that has lasted anywhere from 2 hours to 2 months (longest breakup was 8 weeks to the day and we've been together right at 3 years). I truthfully in my heart know he is my soulmate. Call me crazy I know it sounds nuts but yes I was talking with a clairvoyant actually 8, and 100% said he is my soulmate without going into much detail.

How we met was pure destiny and fate ... I was walking out of the courthouse and I asked where I could find a lawyer the judge said just sit on the bench they have pre-trial conferences coming up so you'll be swarmed with choices, I laughed and walked out this was 7 years ago and I wasn't even looking for anyone, I was still very in love with my first love whom we lived together 7 years. So he (my BPDbf/SO) sits right next to me and I ask "are you an attorney" he said "yes what's wrong?"... .and 3 years ago we kept running into each other we always had a mutual attraction but finally we were both single and I guess as they say the rest is history.

He has a very good heart but is extremely controlling... I assume my desire for "perfect love" common in NPD won't allow me to let go, and I don't want to let go. I will fight until the end.

It seems at any hint or hurt or stress he turns it on me. He literally evicted me from our condo! And then one week later acted like nothing happened. Do you know how humiliating it was? He knew I had nowhere to go and he did it out of spite. I know maybe I shouldn't, but I know I'm far from perfect myself so I've allowed him to turn this pain on me.

I am morbidly depressed and been housebound for 9 days now. It's so weird when I don't think about him or the relationship my email or text lights up. But I've been too obsessed and crying everyday. I just can't take it anymore. Any support or advice is welcomed, I've only known about his BPD for a year now.

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[smart_storm26]

Hello friend,

Welcome to the forums.

First of all how you two met was not purely destiny. People who have some psychological dysfunction often get attracted towards one another. Its like one deaf person in the crowd suddenly met another (just an example). However that does not mean that the relationship will flourish because those dysfunctional stuff remains in both of you and will rear its ugly head once the relationship has made progress.

Yes you are together. But you are not living a fulfilling relationship. I cannot call him BPD because you have not mentioned any typical behavior in this post that is unique to BPD. In the same way I cannot call you an NPD also just from reading your post. In fact from what you describe, he seems more NPD than BPD but then I can be wrong.

However I do have a suggestion for you.

In a relationship just like you fulfill the other person's needs, your needs should also be fulfilled. If it is not being fulfilled by the other person, you have every right to bring that up. One day meet him at some place quiet and tell him that you want to have a fulfilling relationship with him where both of your emotional needs will be met and both of you will work towards making the relationship special. Tell him that you are serious about the relationship with him and you cannot keep playing this push-pull game with him. You really wish it hadn't been like this. Tell him that and see how things go. Never be afraid to state what you want from a relationship.