Not sure

[CV]

My wife and I split up. I have tried for several years to make her happy but can't seem to get there. After a year of marriage something changed according to her. She started to accuse me of not loving her and having an affair. Neither was true. We dredged along for several years but there was always something wrong. I didn't know about BPD and certainly would have started research a long time ago. At some point I had an old friend reach out to me (female) via text I avoided her advances in the beginning but slowly accepted them and it turned into an affair via text. We never met nor had sex.  My wife found these text and as you could imagine set her off to a level I've never seen before.  I tried to play the roll of big man and I didn't care.  But that was a bad move.   I never wanted to hurt her. She makes herself the victim in all situations or try's to make a situation about her when it has nothing to do with her.  My daughter was having a baby and my sisters were planning a baby shower which she was invited but as I understand it mothers or stepmothers don't throw these showers but she's was furious that she didn't have to opportunity to be involved so she didn't go.  I know I'm all over the place. I love my wife I want nothing more than to have her home. I tried backing off to the point I didn't see her for a month and that blew up in my face. She doesn't get along with 1/2 of her family and none of mine. She's isolated me and makes me feel guilty for wanting to do anything outside of our marriage. I've stopped playing volleyball and very limited to my golf because it takes time away from her.  Am I dealing with someone who has BPD? What do I do, how can I live like this if she were to come home?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other.

How long have you two been separated? What was the immediate cause of the separation?

I'm not a doctor, so I cannot say whether or not she has BPD. There is a link in the menu at the top of the page that may shed some light on the situation.

Educate yourself as best you can about BPD. The more you know, the easier any decision you make will be. I know your life is difficult now, but knowledge will help. Please read the articles and workshops - they will give you some good skills at communicating.

I look forward to reading more of your posts. Take care of yourself.

[CV]

We've been separated for close to 7 months. I was texting an old girlfriend confiding in her what I couldn't talk to my wife or family about because I didn't want my family thinking she was "crazy". She knew something was going on she's very intuitive. I didn't sleep with this other woman but that didn't matter.  Following the discovery of the text my wife found another text between my sister and I that wasn't flattering it was disrespectful but I was frustrated. Needless to say that has driven a huge wedge between my wife and my family. She had already isolated me I just didn't realize it.  All that being said she has decided to come home.  I hope with this new found knowledge I have I can better handle some of the irrational behaviors and defuse them before they escalate. Reading Stop Walking on Eggshells has been an eye opener. 

[Meili]

I too hope that the new found knowledge will help. We have a board here about improving your relationship. If you find yourself struggling, or just in need of support, it may help to post there.

Wishing you well,
Meili