Cheating and bad memories

[J9997]

It's been 2 months since I broke up with my BPD partner, we've had no contact and it's quite unlikely she ever will

You can read my story to get a better understanding of my problems but Id just like to bring up a subject

About 4 months ago I was cheated on by her. She'd gone out partying and slept with the guy. Well apparently she didn't but hey who knows. The guy called me and said I've slept with your girlfriend mocking me about it. So I got paranoid and asked a lot of questions and this is when I apparently became controlling. It's not true but I became scared and upset by the traumatic events it's bad enough being cheated on but being called two days later by the guy mocking you is worse

I was wondering if anyone who experienced cheating with BPD partners if the got accused of controlling? My parents always say to me she needed an element of control really due to her crazy behaviour but I can't see me being that way.

Also do ex BPD partners more than likely try to come back to a relationship after they broke up or is it unlikely to ever hear from them again?

My first ever break up of any sort so yeah I'm a bit confused and in shock haha Hopefully hanging around this forum will help me heal.

Thank you everyone

[J9997]

Also I'm not sure how people handle break ups. I know she's going out clubbing and talking to guys. People tell me she's probably slept with a lot of guys since we split up but I doubt that. More in hope

I think with me my weakness is I make assumptions and think there's truth to them quite easily

[NotOverHer]

Hi J9997. I am new to this website (as of yesterday). My breakup is newer than yours. It's been exactly 3 weeks since her and I have had any form of communication. I will be very interested to hear from others as well. Does your uBPDex ever tries to contact you again after the break up? From what I've read, it's unlikely. I feel I was ":)iscarded", and that she has no remaining feelings of love for me. If I am right, chances are I will never hear from her again. But I haven't ruled out getting together with her to catch up, once I am completely over her. I know many folks would tell me now to, but to me, real closure and acceptance would mean being able to do that. And since I now know she suffers from uBPD, it would make it a lot easier to not get fooled again.

[J9997]

Hi,
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, I'm very new around here as well so I couldn't really give you an answer unfortunately. In my case no she hasn't even made one attempt of contact or anything. I feel like her love is just dead for me as well, if it ever existed. There is certainly no feeling there anymore.

I would like to know the answer as well. I know lots of people will be different. I've read about recycling when they get lonely etc.

Do more experienced members see lack of returning in BPD relationships quite soon or does it rarely happen?

[enlighten me]

There are a lot of factors that go into whether they will try and recycle/ contact you.

Firstly every person is an individual so behave differently.

It also depends how much you meant to them and provided for them (emotionally).

It depends if they have a new source or if they are alone.

It depends on how much guilt they have for their behaviour.

It depends on how you split up. If you went to town on them then they may not want to ever face you again.

Theres probably many more factors so as you can see its not a clear cut thing.

[J9997]

Thank you for your reply

Yeah I can understand that, we are all different even people with BPD are certainly not predictable at all.

In my case I know I meant a lot and I was the main channel of support for her but now she has friends which she has never had who have all joined together after her last spell in the psychiatric ward. So I got dumped and left her alone. She goes out partying a lot now as well

I do think she'll never come back for me because I did kind of go to town on her a little I guess. She called me controlling to all her friends, stressful, showed lack of support, evil etc. So I kind of let them know a few truths about her, more defending myself but yeah I still got called sick. So in my case extremely unlikely

[Herodias]

Yes, they say you are controlling if you are upset by cheating. No- you are completely allowed to expect your partner not to cheat. They only come back for a quickie and then off to the new person if they don't act "controlling" and give them all the positive attention they want. If you take them back, they will do it again and again. More and more in your face.

[J9997]

Yeah I've heard that about them which is really sad really. It's strange how cheating is considered normal and fine. She told me it was her disorder and she impulsed towards him. I was upset for ages till she eventually broke up with me. It was all my fault of course. She currently talking to all her exes as well which is either to make me jealous or she's making a point of getting her attention boost

[hopealways]

Yes, they say you are controlling if you are upset by cheating. No- you are completely allowed to expect your partner not to cheat. They only come back for a quickie and then off to the new person if they don't act "controlling" and give them all the positive attention they want. If you take them back, they will do it again and again. More and more in your face.

Yup.

[jambley]

I had proof of her cheating once, I found a bra hung on a car aerial at her ex bfs house. Yes, I know it sounds odd... .it was hers, her car was there.

The flirting was probably the most hurtful, she would tell me the gas man flirted with her or flirt inappropriately in my company with other men... .even on Valentine's Day once. I think that was another form of her emotional abuse and to make me insecure/feed her ego.

[Confused99]

Mine had a affair and looked me in face and swore to the heavens she wasn't.  After 4 months begged me to come back which in the state of mind I was in I accepted her back.   God what a mistake.   Not only was it even worse but my trust was gone.  It lasted a rocky 6 months.  I am now no contact for over 6 months.   She has gone through guy after guy over the past 2 years.  After each one I get some stupid text to engage me.   It's a hard process.  They seem to turn the cheating on us as if we caused it.   Run from it.  I wish I did

[J9997]

That's exactly how she's been after breaking up with me. Talking to all her exes and other guys to try and prove something. After she cheated she lied about everything, told me it never happened even though the guy called me and told me he did. Then the last two months the trust wasn't there and it became my fault. I controlled her, I treated her badly etc which I didn't but she knows deep down she's at fault but wants me to be the villain so she can play a sorry victim

[Confused99]

That's exactly how she's been after breaking up with me. Talking to all her exes and other guys to try and prove something. After she cheated she lied about everything, told me it never happened even though the guy called me and told me he did. Then the last two months the trust wasn't there and it became my fault. I controlled her, I treated her badly etc which I didn't but she knows deep down she's at fault but wants me to be the villain so she can play a sorry victim

Actually I don't think they do know that.  Mine thinks she is right.   Right to have a affair.  Right to treat me bad.  But like you I blamed myself.  She painted me black all over town.  I actually met the guy she had a affair with.  He told a different story and showed me how she contacted him saying she was divorced.  Then she discarded him same way.  And the next guy.  And the next guy.  That helped knowing it's definitely her.  But we can't worry about who's at fault.  The thing I keep telling myself is I deserve better.  Even if she's happy with the next guy (which won't happen) we aren't good together

[J9997]

I always keep questioning that in my head where I think "oh she's getting therapy now she'll be better off" or "she'll be happier in her next relationship than with me" Sometimes I think she will but deep down I know she's got no chance. Therapy or not she's just too extreme to understand her actions and how she walks all over people. She plays the victim so much and everyone she wants to leave gets pushed away and made out to be pure evil. I gave my all for her and after two months of being away from each other and no contact she doesn't even care if I'm okay or what I'm doing anymore. A clear sign of her being over me and happy with her new life