Trying really hard - and struggling.

[Neoptera]

Hello all,

Three years into a high conflict relationship (two years married).
 
MY SO has not been disgnosed with BPD - but she is now in therapy and her therapist has concluded that her mother has the markers and they have been working through that (and I am really proud of her for doing so). After reading about BPD here and reading about peoples experiences, I can say without much doubt that my person is also struggling with this. It's uncanny. I feel relieved to have a framework to work within (and this is an incredible resource!) but I am struggling with the idea that I may never actually be able to connect with her in the way that I have always hoped for. She is in treatment now for depression - and that has really helped us a lot - but I am really scared about this whole thing, and how it will affect our future. I have grief.

A brief background:  
We date briefly, things escalate (and she really pushes to get married), I realize things are a little rocky but I figure those are just growing pains - she really is a wonderful person, and I figured we would be able to work through those rough patches as we learned more about each others needs and how to manage conflict. I propose and the perpetual disappointment in everything commences. We cannot celebrate holidays/events, successes, etc. Nothing is ever good enough. I am always at fault.

About a year and a half after we marry I realize we need help. We are both in grad school and both have a lot on our plates, and things were very tense, so I pushed to get us into couples therapy. It was hard, but I communicated that it was really important to me and that I thought we could really use the help. We went through two different counselors - one was walked out on and the other became the bad guy (a kook!). She didn't want to talk about her family, or her emotions, and was largely put off by the whole situation. It turned into a lot of different stories about me forcing her into it, me telling her she needed help, and me not doing the work (all which were untrue). I consistently said that I wanted to find a counselor she liked and that was suitable for both of us, but she refused to give any input or help with the process - only that it couldn't be a woman.

I started pursuing counseling on my own and have just about finished a year. Focusing on my triggers, conflict resolution, and working on getting myself to a good spot. I was really in a bad place after pretty consistent conflict in the house. I tried everything I could read about or practice. I thought non-violent communication was really a great strategy and that blew up in my face as I was "using it against her". I have been struggling with validation techniques and not succumbing to the cycle of conflict - but it is really hard with repeated verbal attacks and being told that I am doing and/or saying things that I am not doing and/or saying.

She started seeing her own therapist after telling me that she needed to "get into therapy so she could decide if she wanted to stay in this relationship" and that has been great for her (and us), but even though there has been a little relief, the potential for rage is still there. We went from 3 or 4 times a week blowouts to 3 or 4 times a month (which is a huge relief!) but I still find myself sitting through nonsensical tirades that tie together disparate themes and verbal attacks on the weekly. Really bad at least once a month (screaming, cursing, slamming doors, threats to end the marriage, etc.) over things like saying we shouldn't call the city about the neighbors broken down car, or suggesting that we could do something differently than the way she proposes, or even because she doesn't believe what I am saying or thinks I am being disingenuous. The greatest threat is sharing my feelings about something, that is a guaranteed trigger - even when I am crazy diligent about using language that stays away from "you" statements, completely own my feelings, set-up times to talk about them, and analyze whether or not it feels necessary to talk about. 

My big fears right now: She desperately wants to have kids. I have said that I needed us to get to a better place - and things have gotten better, but now I am coming to the realization that BPD is a thing, and am really worried that she doesn't get it. If we are going to work on this, I feel like we should be on the same page. From what I have read it seems like I should not bring it up - and I know if I did I would have to weather some significant storms (which I am getting better at).

So, besides radical acceptance (which is cool), how do I get past these verbal attacks? I feel so belittled just trying to accept the things she says to me as "a moment in time" that is going to pass and accepting that it is because she is suffering. Getting past them without reacting is one thing, but how do you let it go afterwards (for a week I have been hurt by her saying I was the reason all my past relationships failed).

How can I, OR can I, broach the subject of BPD? She is really pushing kids and I am 100% scared. She senses this, and is digging and creating conflict over it, but I cannot just come out and say that I am worried that she is borderline and I am scared that is something we are not talking about.

I am a combat veteran and I have post-traumatic stress - these events really induce a strong response physiological response. I have been working through my brain that this isn't necessarily dangerous (although sometimes I wonder - she does throw things occasionally). Any suggestions on how to handle the stress/anxiety?

I feel like my coping mechanisms are becoming a process of staying away from her and not talking about my feelings, which really hurts me. I desperately want to connect and discuss my feelings/process but it is so tenuous to do so that I have been more protective than I want to be. How do I stay open? Being courageous about the process has been my go-to but I am seriously getting worn down.

Any links that I should specifically focus on about validation techniques?

Thank you for all you do and for participating in this wonderful forum. I appreciate your time!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BeagleGirl]

First of all, kudos for the level of professional care you have been able to get for yourself and your wife.  It sounds to me like you are starting with a solid foundation of self awareness and self care tools.  You'll need them.   

It sounds like the discussion about whether or not to have kids is a pretty high priority right now.  I think you are wise to be cautious about bringing children into the relationship.  I personally don't think that letting your wife know that her BPD status is the root of your concern is a good approach.  At best it would spark a debate about whether she is BPD.  At worst it would attach a label to her that would make her feel like she is bad that could send her into a tailspin.

A different approach that you might try that would express your concerns without a label would be to address the behavior(s) that make you most concerned.  One you mentioned that might be a good starting point is her tendency to threaten to leave the marriage.  I think it's a very valid concern to be raised in regards to having children together. 

You could say something like "It's very important to me that we not bring children into a relationship that is unstable enough that one or both of us are expressing doubts about being able to provide an intact family for those children.  You have said that you don't know know if you want to be in this marriage.  Until we get to a point where I'm not hearing that doubt from you for {name a period of time} I am not willing to start trying to have children."  That would serve to set a boundary that is clear and can be defended - No threatening divorce. Consequence for threatening divorce=not being able to start planning to have children.

Also, be very careful to manage/monitor birth control.  The biological drive/desire to have children can lead women to do "stupid" and underhanded things.

Another area that you may want to address is the grief over the idea of not having the relationship you hoped for.  That grief is very real and something you will be bombarded with at times.  Acknowledging it and finding ways to deal with it is very important.  Another point of grief will be that you can't share that grief with your wife.  It can feel like you are handling it "alone" if you don't find a good support system (like this site and your therapist) to hear and help you through it.
               

BeagleGirl