Battle for this week or the long term?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

There have been a number of emails going back and forth with uxBPD trying to solidify this week's time with D8. This next week is the week I requested, and D8's new sports commitment is the justification that a week becomes a weekend. I am extraordinarily glad she is doing sports. It'll be great for her.

I think if I throw a fit and show up at her house on Tuesday, she'd relent. D8 has already called, expressing not wanting to come. She does well and has a good time when she is here.

I am leaning toward letting this week just slide and going to court. We haven't been able to agree on the rest of the summer, and it's just sliding all over the place - where I get to accommodate (lose weekends) and such.

I have decent documentation of trying to work things out. Part of this is a shame on me for accommodating, however some of them would have been win/lose situations due to other family's fun activities being missed. I am scared that I will start believing time with Dad is not as important as whatever else pops up as the most important thing.

I did start the process of contacting an attorney to discuss.

 

[forestfortrees]

There have been a number of emails going back and forth with uxBPD trying to solidify this week's time with D8. This next week is the week I requested, and D8's new sports commitment is the justification that a week becomes a weekend. I am extraordinarily glad she is doing sports. It'll be great for her.

I think if I throw a fit and show up at her house on Tuesday, she'd relent. D8 has already called, expressing not wanting to come. She does well and has a good time when she is here.

I am leaning toward letting this week just slide and going to court. We haven't been able to agree on the rest of the summer, and it's just sliding all over the place - where I get to accommodate (lose weekends) and such.

I have decent documentation of trying to work things out. Part of this is a shame on me for accommodating, however some of them would have been win/lose situations due to other family's fun activities being missed. I am scared that I will start believing time with Dad is not as important as whatever else pops up as the most important thing.

I did start the process of contacting an attorney to discuss.

 

[takingandsending]

What is your current custody arrangement? Do you have a documented parent plan?

It is hard, once you have established precedent of accommodating requests to enforce boundaries, but do you thing your xw will stop asking? My xw is a master at presenting things as reasonable, but the reasons are based on her feelings, not on facts.

You stated that your D8 has called you and says she does not want to be with your during your scheduled custodial time? Did you agree to the activity that was scheduled with your xw? I would resist anything that allows your xw to schedule activities without your involvement. I am facing a similar scenario with swim lessons, but I weighed it out, spoke with my sons while they were with me to make certain they were the ones asking for the lessons, and then agreed because it was supportive of what they wanted. If you were completely out of the process, I would propose the following: D8 stays with me, I will get her to and from activity, and the find a way to do it.

[ForeverDad]

Summer has already started.  How soon will the court even have its first hearing?  a month from now?  longer?  I fear much of the summer will be past without an approach that ensure sooner resolution.

Oh, and courts aren't all that great on assigning make-up time.  They generally focus on a solution for the future and ignore the past once those specific issues have been dealt with in court.

If you show up Tuesday, is she likely to get triggered and overreact with calls to police or something like that?  (Mine would, so I had to be extremely careful not to expose myself to allegations I had misbehaved.)

Have you tried to turn this into a parenting time 'trade'?  A trade has to be well documented since a pwBPD will later ignore or deny it.  That's why when I was early in my separation/divorce I told myself not to agree to a trade if I wasn't to get my traded time first.  I got burned when she'd get my time she wanted and then ignore the time she owed me.

[forestfortrees]

Thanks for the replies, takingandsending, ForeverDad,

After back and forth, I tried to arrange for tomorrow and picked the morning. D went to practice tonight. She works, won't exchange and didn't offer an alternative. It will probably end up being only an extended weekend. We both live 1 hour from the exchange point.

Talked to an attorney, and he expressed the need for time too. Feel pretty powerless... .

 

[david]

Do you have a custody order for the summer ?

[HopefulDad]

Thanks for the replies, takingandsending, ForeverDad,

After back and forth, I tried to arrange for tomorrow and picked the morning. D went to practice tonight. She works, won't exchange and didn't offer an alternative. It will probably end up being only an extended weekend. We both live 1 hour from the exchange point.

Talked to an attorney, and he expressed the need for time too. Feel pretty powerless... .

You never answered the questions about you having a custody agreement.  Do you have one?  And whether you do or don't, why did you sign up D8 for sports without ensuring it either fits the custody agreement or at least your ex provided written confirmation she's on board?

This is Custody 101.  Sorry you're going through this, but look in the mirror and acknowledge you helped create this problem.

And FTR, I've made similar mistakes in the past so I'm not picking on you.  Just learn from it.

[forestfortrees]

Yes, there is a parenting plan / custody agreement. xw signed her up for sports and did not put me in the loop, just the opposite. Pretty much said that sports will trump my time with D.

I am very happy D is doing it though - sports will be great for her.

[HopefulDad]

Yes, there is a parenting plan / custody agreement. xw signed her up for sports and did not put me in the loop, just the opposite. Pretty much said that sports will trump my time with D.

I am very happy D is doing it though - sports will be great for her.

Sorry, I misunderstood.  Anyway, it seems like your daughter is content and since you want to do what's best for her first and foremost, I suggest focusing on the long term.

Although back to the custody agreement you say you have: You said you haven't been able to agree on the rest of the summer and things are sliding all over the place.  If you have a custody agreement in place, that wouldn't happen.  Can you elaborate?

[ForeverDad]

No, sports do NOT trump the parenting schedule unless it is specifically addressed in the custody agreement.  For example, does the agreement or order state that mother will take children to all their sports or other extracurricular activities?  If not, then you can still have the time and, being the cooperative and positive parent that you are, take them to their sports events and activities when on your time.

However, you do have an entitled mother who is declaring she will be in full control.  The boundary is the order, the schedule. 

For example, this is what would have happened (and did happen) in my early years:  I would have not agreed to my ex's prior claims to ignore parts of the schedule and order unilaterally.  I would have appeared at the exchange point.  After 30 minutes, my county's time window, I would have called the police to ask for an officer to come.  I always traveled with a copy of the order and schedule with me and would show it to the officer.  Of course they prefer to resolve the immediate incident so the officer would have tried calling my ex to convince her to bring the child to the exchange.  Failing that the officer would take a report that the exchange didn't happen, give me a reference number to get a copy later from the office and then say, "Fix this in court."  I never had an officer actually enforce the order, only try to pressure or persuade us to follow it.  Then if the order still wasn't followed it was up to the disadvantaged parent to return to court to resolve the dispute, generally with a Contempt of Court motion.

Have you tried to get makeup or traded time for the missed time?  I bet she'll claim you're thinking more of yourself than of your daughter, right?  Typical blaming using manipulative guilt.  Don't let that intimidate you since you know that you would support daughter's sports activities unless it impacted more important events.

[forestfortrees]

Thanks - I have yet to force anything via the police. Did have an emergency motion as the divorce was unfolding when she tried to hold up a vacation. The motion was given in my favor, but I lost out on the vacation w/ D when it came after I was 1 day into it. She lost and won at the same time.

Just had the phone call, with crying and other drama.

[ForeverDad]

I had that happen too.  It was temp order and it was clear on holidays but not vacations.  I gave her advance written notice.  Of course she said No.  (Hmm, it was a notice, not a request.)  Lawyer said go ahead.  Fortunately I had my vacation start on my weekend.  By the time Monday rolled around I was already 2 days into the vacation.  She called police, got them to go to my sibling's home, went to the local sheriff's office asking for an Amber Alert.  Yes, she did that!  I read the report, the deputy on duty wrote in a circumspect way, setting the focus on the rules, "it does not meet the criteria for an Amber Alert".  Still, she got the sheriff's investigator involved, my lawyer got called, his staff called me.  Solution was they told me to call her and hand phone to son.  I replied, nonsense, she has my cell number, let her call.  Anyway, every few days I made sure to make the call.