How can I finalize my divorce with a BPD husband?

[Mother of two]

Hi there,

I am seeking help and advice. I am in the process of a divorce that is getting more and more complicated. I suspect my current husband to have BPD, his behaviour shows all the symptoms and also looking back at the past 10 years we have been together (8 of which we were married for), I can finally see the patterns. His mood changes have become more and more extreme, they now even change from one to the other within hours. The divorce has been pending for 8 months, he comes up with all sorts of reasons for delaying it, threatens me with legal action, to take the kids away, blames me for everything that has happened, is happening and will happen etc etc. The emotional blackmailing is on-going, a bombardment of messages usually on a daily basis. My lawyer advised me to go ahead with the pleadings as it will most likely take another 14 months to finalize the divorce as my husband has contested it. The current visitation times for our two kids (5 and 3 years) are erratic and according to his liking, the kids have been suffering. He suffers from loneliness, is already taking sleeping tablets and tranquilizers and also consumes alcohol in excess regularly. He seems to use the kids as weapons but also to patch up his loneliness.
I tried mediation as he always blamed me for not going that route, but he stopped mediation. I have asked him for a conversation this week and he said that this week is not convenient but at the same time, he says that I am not making myself available and that he is not being heard. Meanwhile we have had tons of conversations and messages for the past 8 months. I need to make a decision now whether I go ahead with the lawyer's suggestion. I know that he will freak out again and will feel threatened if I go back to the lawyer route. My lawyer said that I have such an easy case as there is a ANC without accrual in place, it is all about regulating the visitation times and maintenance. I am worried about the kids and that he lets it out on them. I am scared of his reaction and I am scared that from now on, it will continue being more difficult to discuss things with him, especially re the kids. At the same time I am blaming myself that I have allowed things to get that far, that I do not stand up for the kids and myself.

I don't know how to continue with this divorce and which is best to do?

Thanks in advance for your feedback and input.

[kabubi]

Dear Mother of 2,

How are you?

I am also married to a potential BPD.

You have to make sure, before moving on, if you still love your husband and, in particular, assuming that he begins a treatment, will you give him another chance?

If that is the case, make that clear to your husband.  

Things may change dramatically, assuming there is love between the two of you.


Wish you the best.

[flourdust]

Hi, Mother of 2, and welcome!

I'm also in the midst of divorcing a spouse with BPD. It can be a long and contentious process, and sometimes there isn't anything you can do to speed up the resolution. I'm glad to hear you have an attorney.

There may be some short-term fixes for you. It sounds like you don't have a written, court-ordered parenting schedule. Talk to your attorney about filing a motion for a temporary parenting plan. You may be able to get a quick ruling ... .as in, within a month or two ... .that establishes a parenting schedule by order of the judge, even while the divorce slowly grinds forward.

[ForeverDad]

A truism here is that mediation early in the separation & divorce process has a poor track record.  Generally the pwBPD is just too entitled or controlling to agree to reasonable terms.  Rather, it is usually later in the court process, often just before a major hearing or trial, when the entitlement meets reality.

My general inclination is to recommend you proceed with the court side of the process.  You did try mediation but it was sabotaged.  That doesn't mean Halt nor Wait, it means go back to court to report mediation failed and proceed with the next steps in divorce court.  Court and lawyers really want settlements, that's what they expect but with BPD you almost always need some reality checks from the Real Authority, COURT.  Most here do manage to work out a settlement but usually only once the entitlement balloon deflates some and that takes time and progress ever onward in the case.  Waiting for them to come around to Reality is a waste of time and money.  Taking action, moving the case forward is the typical path to a better outcome.

Will he freak out?  Probably.  But won't he freak out no matter with you do if it isn't appeasing or inaction?  Knowing the volcano will blow anyway can let you ACCEPT that you can't find a long term way to avoid triggering him.  Many say pulling off the bad-aid slowly is worse than ripping it off.  The key here is to avoid needlessly triggering him or needlessly getting him to overreact the wrong way.  Ponder your strategies.  Find ways to reduce your risk (endangerment, sabotage, etc) while still reaching your goals.

Have you considered that one of the reasons he freaks out is that you don't have strong boundaries and he knows he can get you to retreat back into walking on eggshells when he freaks out?  After a few times seeing that you aren't tiptoeing around him anymore (search on extinction burst) he may come to accept those new limits on behavior.  He won't have really changed but over time he may fight less and less aggressively.

[ForeverDad]

I'd like to express a perspective on sharing, such as sharing information.  When you are in a relationship such as marriage, you share information.  It's a team effort to make a marriage work.  If you hold back then it can weaken the trust and positive vibes.

However... .if it is failing (or imploding as happens with many members here) then the perspective on sharing changes.  You have to navigate the difficult journey to post-marriage life.  That means you can't freely share everything anymore.  Why?  There is a real risk that some of your (previously confidential) talk may be used against you or give your spouse an opportunity to sabotage your plans.  This is especially valid when separating from or divorcing a person with BPD (pwBPD).  They are prove to overreact, over emotionalize and even actively sabotage you.  For that reason you need to keep some things confidential until it is appropriate to reveal them.  It might be your plans for the future, your separation strategies, your safe houses, etc.

The point is that you are not required to share literally everything nor submit to interrogations or guilting.  Not even "to be fair".  We Nice Guys and Nice Gals are often too inclined to be overly fair, overly nice, whatever, to our detriment.  Frankly, court will make sure our spouses won't be treated unfairly, so we don't have to worry for them or about them.  They're adults, they're expected to be able to stand on their own two feet.  Instead we need to give priority to ourselves and the minor children, if any.  The stbEx necessarily have to be further down on our priority list lest we nd up sabotaging ourselves.

It is the task of our (hopefully experienced) lawyers to not be emotionally torn (as we are) as to what to do or which strategies to use.  Listen to them.  If you don't agree or think they're being too harsh, ask for them to explain why.  Peer support too is invaluable.  We've been there, done that.  Take advantage of our collective wisdom, over the years we've come to recognize what strategies and approaches usually work and which ones usually don't work.  In addition, we're past the most intensive phases of our emotionally draining choices and decisions, we can post with objective perspectives.

[babyoctopus]

A truism here is that mediation early in the separation & divorce process has a poor track record.  Generally the pwBPD is just too entitled or controlling to agree to reasonable terms.  Rather, it is usually later in the court process, often just before a major hearing or trial, when the entitlement meets reality.

My general inclination is to recommend you proceed with the court side of the process.  You did try mediation but it was sabotaged.  That doesn't mean Halt nor Wait, it means go back to court to report mediation failed and proceed with the next steps in divorce court.  Court and lawyers really want settlements, that's what they expect but with BPD you almost always need some reality checks from the Real Authority, COURT.  Most here do manage to work out a settlement but usually only once the entitlement balloon deflates some and that takes time and progress ever onward in the case.  Waiting for them to come around to Reality is a waste of time and money.  Taking action, moving the case forward is the typical path to a better outcome.

Will he freak out?  Probably.  But won't he freak out no matter with you do if it isn't appeasing or inaction?  Knowing the volcano will blow anyway can let you ACCEPT that you can't find a long term way to avoid triggering him.  Many say pulling off the bad-aid slowly is worse than ripping it off.  The key here is to avoid needlessly triggering him or needlessly getting him to overreact the wrong way.  Ponder your strategies.  Find ways to reduce your risk (endangerment, sabotage, etc) while still reaching your goals.

Have you considered that one of the reasons he freaks out is that you don't have strong boundaries and he knows he can get you to retreat back into walking on eggshells when he freaks out?  After a few times seeing that you aren't tiptoeing around him anymore (search on extinction burst) he may come to accept those new limits on behavior.  He won't have really changed but over time he may fight less and less aggressively.

Thank you for this, had to quote to remember, save it.
I'm separated- not legally- but will be filing soon. He is already pushing boundaries and coming to my new place to "see the kids" (aka hang out and snoop in my house) even though I specifically said No. He's putting the kids (older, d20, d16, s14) in awkward position of asking him to wait outside when he comes to pick them up whist I am at work.

He's text bombing me and the kids at 5-6am, attempting to keep FOG in our lives.

He's creating reasons for contact every single day, multiple times a day.

When I don't react, he brings my s14 into it, threatening me that he "has anger and control issues" and "needs to talk to his therapist" (actually, s14 is the only kid not in the FOG totally and is able to tell him "No", which of course pwBPD translates as "anger/control issues"

Thanks for letting me post my situation.

Namaste.


Its exhausting already-I've only been gone a month- and I'm anticipating a battle royale in divorce court.

[Mother of two]

Thank you for this, had to quote to remember, save it.
I'm separated- not legally- but will be filing soon. He is already pushing boundaries and coming to my new place to "see the kids" (aka hang out and snoop in my house) even though I specifically said No. He's putting the kids (older, d20, d16, s14) in awkward position of asking him to wait outside when he comes to pick them up whist I am at work.

He's text bombing me and the kids at 5-6am, attempting to keep FOG in our lives.

He's creating reasons for contact every single day, multiple times a day.

When I don't react, he brings my s14 into it, threatening me that he "has anger and control issues" and "needs to talk to his therapist" (actually, s14 is the only kid not in the FOG totally and is able to tell him "No", which of course pwBPD translates as "anger/control issues"

Thanks for letting me post my situation.

Namaste.


Its exhausting already-I've only been gone a month- and I'm anticipating a battle royale in divorce court.

Hi,

Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds familiar in terms of patterns. I am 8 months into my divorce and up until recently nothing was moving yet it was ongoing war, bombardment of messages, controlling behaviour, threats, manipulation, passive-aggressive behaviour... .it was bad. Once I overcame all my fears and threatened him back with legal action (which used to be his way of threatening me), things started moving. However, my saving grace is that he met a new woman recently. Suddenly that pull has gone, every now and then he freaks out again but I am starting to be able to breathe. I am hoping that his new relationship will last, it hurts like hell but I know that it is my ticket to freedom. He suddenly has a reason to finalize the divorce and we are trying an amicable agreement again. It is not easy and ongoing discussions and controlling behaviour as well as sabotaging agreements is the norm but at least we are working towards the end (hopefully). It is still very challenging, he is calling me names in front of my kids (5 and 3 years old) and does not stop when I calmly tell him that this is not acceptable. His emotions are so intense that he changes his mind and behaviour various times within one evening and changes suggestions and arrangements he made himself within less than 12 hours - blaming me for all sorts of things and creating conflict.

I started reading 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'  as well as another book to help me set boundaries to start protecting myself. It is starting to work, I managed to distance myself from being hurt and I am becoming more objective about it.

I wish you that there will be a reason for him to let go of you. Start working on your protection layers, it was the first step for me to stop feeling the arrows he was shooting at me and it allowed me to think rationally again. Good luck and be strong. I know how it feels, you are not alone.

[takingandsending]

Hi Mother of two and baby octocpus.

I also recommend reading the book "Splitting" by Bill Eddy to put into context some of the BPD/NPD behaviors in a divorce and also to start finding strategies to get to the finish line. There are also excellent  communication tools and boundary tools on this site that you should check out - they are very helpful.

Mother of two,
It sounds like you are getting a little more breathing room. Have you given more thought to what flourdust stated: filing a temporary parent plan? Disputes and uncertainty in parent time can cause a lot of anxiety in young kids. The sooner you can establish a baseline parent plan, the easier it is on the children. If your xh won't commit to specific times, fails to show up at his agreed upon time, or demands access on your agreed upon times, document that and advise your lawyer that you wish to reduce his parent time on that basis. Honestly, if he is creating so much chaos and verbally abusing you in front of the kids, it is in the best interest of the children to limit his time in their lives. What are your thoughts?

Hang in there. If you keep putting your kids first, you will do the right things for their protection. Hard to step of the Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) that comes with BPD relationships.

[Mother of two]

Hi Mother of two and baby octocpus.

I also recommend reading the book "Splitting" by Bill Eddy to put into context some of the BPD/NPD behaviors in a divorce and also to start finding strategies to get to the finish line. There are also excellent  communication tools and boundary tools on this site that you should check out - they are very helpful.

Mother of two,
It sounds like you are getting a little more breathing room. Have you given more thought to what flourdust stated: filing a temporary parent plan? Disputes and uncertainty in parent time can cause a lot of anxiety in young kids. The sooner you can establish a baseline parent plan, the easier it is on the children. If your xh won't commit to specific times, fails to show up at his agreed upon time, or demands access on your agreed upon times, document that and advise your lawyer that you wish to reduce his parent time on that basis. Honestly, if he is creating so much chaos and verbally abusing you in front of the kids, it is in the best interest of the children to limit his time in their lives. What are your thoughts?

Hang in there. If you keep putting your kids first, you will do the right things for their protection. Hard to step of the Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) that comes with BPD relationships.

Hi Takingandsending,

Thanks so much for your input. I am based in South Africa, there is a different way to get an interim parenting plan in place which I was too scared to do in the past months as it would have upset my BP soon to be ex husband. I have come a long way in overcoming my fears of his emotional reactions and I would do it now but we are already past that stage.
You are absolutely right and we have contacted professionals to set up a parenting plan as I got him to agree that we have different opinions. He has been seeing the kids every 48 hours and I am battling to get a routine in - he keeps blaming me that I brought this situation all upon us (after he cheated on me, but even that he blames on me, obviously). He is blaming me now that I am taking away the kids from him and obviously refuses to pay, also blames me for parental alienation... .it is a hard fight to get a structure in to allow me and the kids a normal life. I hope that the professional opinion will help him to understand (I know this sounds naive but as I said, he has now an interest in getting divorced, so here is my chance).
I have been putting my kids first which led me to overcome my fears and I am doing the best I can to give them a structure and safety and security as well as emotional support and love. I am horrified that my daughter will also turn into a BP, she is starting to show some behaviours and I am hoping that she is merely copying her dad.
I have started to read splitting a couple of months ago and could not continue reading as it gave me panic and anxiety attacks about what all can happen when going to court. I feel stronger now and will definitely pick it up again. For now, the other literature helped me so far to understand and cope.

I find it empowering once I step out of FOG (which I manage more and more) to actual finally feel back in control again and I am starting to see right through the BP. It actually becomes funny listening to my BP when I hear about all the things he blames me for! I am still learning and need to improve my skills but it is a good start.
Thanks again for your comments and advice.