Triggered Around UstbxBPDw, How to Cope?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

My ustbxBPDw and I continue to stay in the marital home with our D15 after she decided she wanted out of our 17-year marriage. Divorce is slowly underway. I am now painted black bigly. I have made it through the initial shock and dismay of the ending of our marriage and have begun to see the silver lining of a life without the chaos her unhappiness, accusations and negativity brings. I have begun to remember and reawaken my "old" positive and enthusiastic self.

Problem is, right now I seems to be highly triggered by contact with her, and she with me. She is hermiting in the bedroom with the door closed when we are both at home, and often goes out late and/or overnights with friends to avoid me. She's actually doing a great job of NC, except she is extending that to LC with D15. She has abdicated most parental responsibilities to me, I do most of the childcare and driving of D15 to school and activities, and she has been advised not to assist paying any expenses (even though she has a fat inheritance she could draw from and is using for luxury purchases - but that's another story.

Our interactions are tense and rare. She does not talk to me, nor I to her. For the first time in a few weeks I had to reach out to her via text Wednesday when my car wouldn't start and D15 needed picking up, and she used the contact to be nasty at me. Since we don't talk negotiations are stalled and everything is going through lawyers.

Again, it is very hard for me to be around her. My heart races and I feel awkward, angry, and abused. The eggshells are abundant. These feelings take over my physicality and I'm sure it is apparent in my expression and demeanor. I try so hard to be chill and confident, but fight or flight adrenaline is racing through my bloodstream. It's very difficult to handle.

How do I deal with being triggered like this? I would like to practice "not making it worse" but I cannot calm my defensive stance. Has anyone experienced this? We're there any techniques you used to cope?

Thanks a ton,
RP

[RedPill]

Hi all,

My ustbxBPDw and I continue to stay in the marital home with our D15 after she decided she wanted out of our 17-year marriage. Divorce is slowly underway. I am now painted black bigly. I have made it through the initial shock and dismay of the ending of our marriage and have begun to see the silver lining of a life without the chaos her unhappiness, accusations and negativity brings. I have begun to remember and reawaken my "old" positive and enthusiastic self.

Problem is, right now I seems to be highly triggered by contact with her, and she with me. She is hermiting in the bedroom with the door closed when we are both at home, and often goes out late and/or overnights with friends to avoid me. She's actually doing a great job of NC, except she is extending that to LC with D15. She has abdicated most parental responsibilities to me, I do most of the childcare and driving of D15 to school and activities, and she has been advised not to assist paying any expenses (even though she has a fat inheritance she could draw from and is using for luxury purchases - but that's another story.

Our interactions are tense and rare. She does not talk to me, nor I to her. For the first time in a few weeks I had to reach out to her via text Wednesday when my car wouldn't start and D15 needed picking up, and she used the contact to be nasty at me. Since we don't talk negotiations are stalled and everything is going through lawyers.

Again, it is very hard for me to be around her. My heart races and I feel awkward, angry, and abused. The eggshells are abundant. These feelings take over my physicality and I'm sure it is apparent in my expression and demeanor. I try so hard to be chill and confident, but fight or flight adrenaline is racing through my bloodstream. It's very difficult to handle.

How do I deal with being triggered like this? I would like to practice "not making it worse" but I cannot calm my defensive stance. Has anyone experienced this? We're there any techniques you used to cope?

Thanks a ton,
RP

[RedPill]

Happy Father's Day! I spent the day with D15. We had a good time hanging out, shopping, eating, and hearing a band at the beach. It was nice to just escape and be with the kid. She got me socks and a mug.

Now we're back and ustbxBPDw is not home, and has not been home since yesterday evening. Regarding my above post, I'm both grateful that she's not here and trying not to think about where she may be. I really wish she would move out. It's tough on D15 to have to maneuver between the two parents. It's tough on my anxiety to interact with her. I keep glancing out to see if her car has pulled up. Feeling stuck and trying to be patient as the process unfolds.
-
RP

[Hopeful_Me]

Hi RedPill,


What makes it necessary for you to remain living in the same home?

If its for the kids, Id say its more caustic to their well being to live in the tension.

It sounds unbearable. Do you have a support network of friends who are compassionate and energizing? do you practice self care - health, exercise, etc? Socialize? I'd say those are applications you can try to deal with this nightmare.

I offer you a cyber hug 

[byfaith]

Hey Red,

I feel your pain. I understand with having to live in the same house. It sucks. I understand the financial aspect of it because I am having to do it also. Fortunately I have a room I can go into and shut the door.

I have had to create a pattern of living for myself that for the moment is a crappy situation but I am trying to look at it as I will come out on the other end a wiser person. I am at work right now so I have to check out.

Just hang onto this and build on it through this difficult time "I have begun to remember and reawaken my "old" positive and enthusiastic self."

I am trying to do the same thing... .hang in there. Glad you got to spend time with your daughter. I spent the day with my daughters also yesterday D24 and D28 had a great time went on a picnic up in the mountains.

I will try to share with you more of my living situation another time.

BF

[RedPill]

I'm staying in the house because I can't afford an independent living space, Hopeful. I'm already borrowing from my parents for lawyer fees and have some steep credit card debt. Good news is now that we're separating finances I am beginning to save some money despite paying the full mortgage, utilities, and bills alone. I'm just not paying for her expenditures. Funny how that happens.

It is also easier to protect and care for D15 from inside the home, although I agree the tension is negative. I'm not keen to leave D15 alone with her mother's dysfunctions more than I have to, although eventually that will happen. I'm maintaining and documenting my childcare/meals/transport responsibilities which put me at 70% over her 30% time, so that if she tries to get full custody I will have a record what I do. I don't think she can truly acknowledge how much I do and how little she does, or how often she abdicates taking care of D15 to me. I'm sure she feels like she is a super mom who does everything and I do nothing. But now I'm ___ing.

This is the power of the "F" in FOG.

I am extending my running training for a half-marathon later this year. I communicate with my parents but unfortunately not many friends in the area to confide in. I've been pretty well isolated over the years. I have a good T, though.

Thanks for the feedback & I'll keep on trucking.
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RP

[Lucky Jim]

This is the power of the "F" in FOG.

Hey RP, What is it that you fear?  I admire your courage.  Seems like you are holding up well under extremely stressful circumstances.

Training for a half marathon sounds like an excellent way to relieve stress.  I find doing something that requires my full concentration, such as playing a difficult piece on guitar, really helps me to relax.

When I was in your shoes, I found that disengagement worked best for me in terms of relieving the fight or flight response.

Hang in there,
LuckyJim

[RedPill]

Hey RP, What is it that you fear?  I admire your courage.  Seems like you are holding up well under extremely stressful circumstances.

Thanks LuckyJim, I'm keeping my head above water! Currently I fear the unknown of what the divorce proceedings will bring, how she may respond, what people will think about me (can't seem to get loose of this), and perhaps most poignantly I fear making mistakes. I tend to worry things to death and overthink making decisions. It's difficult to make confident choices when the repercussions appear so momentous. I also feel cowed by her bullheaded approach and that I'm always one step behind her or always reacting instead of being proactive. I am a good problem-solver but have a hard time getting out ahead of the problems. It's like she's the fox loose in the hen house while I'm still getting my ducks lined up (wrong fowl analogy, but whatever).

It's hard to be confident and secure when so many things feel out of control. You know?
-
RP

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RP, Well, it's normal to fear the unknown.  Yet don't rule out the possibility of greater happiness down the line.  In the meantime, suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer and try to put your energy where your power is, i.e., in yourself.  Perhaps you can work on learning to love and accept yourself, just as you are.  You're human, and so am I, and we all make mistakes -- that's OK.  Suggest you embrace your imperfections, including the possibility of making mistakes.  In lieu of reacting to her bullheadedness, try pausing and waiting before you respond.   Take a time out and tell her you'll get back to her.  I'm a problem solver, too, yet those w/BPD are so irrational that often they defy reasonable approaches.  Suggest you limit your efforts at "working w/her" to find solutions.  It's up to you to find the right path for you, my friend, which in my view is a good thing.

LuckyJim

[RedPill]

Thanks Lucky Jim, I needed that encouragement. My difficulty loving, trusting, and accepting myself for who I am is at the root of why the idealization of the early r/s sucked me in so strongly. This is an issue I'm working on with my T.

I am having difficulty abandoning the impulse to anticipate, look for evidence of, and clean up her messes. It is where I placed a lot of my value - my ability to save her again and again. Of course it was never enough. But old habits die hard. I have to re-tool those impulses to something that puts the focus on me instead of her.

I seem to know what the problems are intellectually. Now I need to start making changes.
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RP

[Sunfl0wer]

Real quick... .
Something that helped me talk to my ex when things were devolving: betablockers!

We had to do court and stressful lawyer meetings lots over his uBPDexw.  Asked my doc for something to help me not be anxious, I really didn't want anxiety meds, but the darn betablocker ended up saving me! (Normally I sweat so much in court/public speaking and fall apart in panic, stuttering/unintelligible sometimes. They are usually given for stage fright/performance anxiety)  Whenever a really stressful conversation was planned and I needed to not be in a state of internal panic and needed to remain focused, took this an hour beforehand, worked everytime!

Didn't use them for daily stuff tho, just like weekly or twice a week for a bit.