Dealing with self harm

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I found in my experience that the more reactive I was to self harm after break up, the more "on the table" that behavior became as a way to get my attention.

So at the end of the day, if your x is anything like mine, you may be doing them more hard than good by re engaging on this basis.  If you want to re engage, wait for this to blow over and do it on your own terms, with set boundaries and an exit plan if things blow up.

can't reccomend it tho.  When my x did all the self harm stuff and I rushed back to "stop him" from escalating, while not offering to take him back, it just made it all worse. NC was broken, i kept offering assuring support (from afar, we are now 3 hours apart and I wont see him in person) and it would usually be reacted to with "this is your fault, its because of how you treated me (total bs, treated him like a prince), I hate you." Shortly followed up with "why cant you take me back" sort of material.  Very quick cycling push/pull.

Had about 3 bouts of this.  it only stopped when finally, after he perceived a compliment as an insult, and began cutting and sending me pictures... .i simply ignored his texts.  he threatened to cut and I said "i will not speak to you anymore tonight, that threat is not appropriate and manipulative.  he sent pics of it, said he was going to kill himself, jump in front of a subway, etc etc.  I kept ignoring and the texts dwindled, followed by an admission late in the night of "well that was stupid, I'm still sad and now I have cuts too."  go figure buddy!

since then I have decreased contact- till a couple weeks ago, after he had a long period of good behavior. agreed to a five minute phone call when he was having a good day.  said we cant talk anymore, dont text me- etc etc. said i wont block you but dont contact me.  and he hasnt. it feels nice.

[cbm419]

I found in my experience that the more reactive I was to self harm after break up, the more "on the table" that behavior became as a way to get my attention.

So at the end of the day, if your x is anything like mine, you may be doing them more hard than good by re engaging on this basis.  If you want to re engage, wait for this to blow over and do it on your own terms, with set boundaries and an exit plan if things blow up.

can't reccomend it tho.  When my x did all the self harm stuff and I rushed back to "stop him" from escalating, while not offering to take him back, it just made it all worse. NC was broken, i kept offering assuring support (from afar, we are now 3 hours apart and I wont see him in person) and it would usually be reacted to with "this is your fault, its because of how you treated me (total bs, treated him like a prince), I hate you." Shortly followed up with "why cant you take me back" sort of material.  Very quick cycling push/pull.

Had about 3 bouts of this.  it only stopped when finally, after he perceived a compliment as an insult, and began cutting and sending me pictures... .i simply ignored his texts.  he threatened to cut and I said "i will not speak to you anymore tonight, that threat is not appropriate and manipulative.  he sent pics of it, said he was going to kill himself, jump in front of a subway, etc etc.  I kept ignoring and the texts dwindled, followed by an admission late in the night of "well that was stupid, I'm still sad and now I have cuts too."  go figure buddy!

since then I have decreased contact- till a couple weeks ago, after he had a long period of good behavior. agreed to a five minute phone call when he was having a good day.  said we cant talk anymore, dont text me- etc etc. said i wont block you but dont contact me.  and he hasnt. it feels nice.

[lovenature]

The more attention you give to a PWBPD, positive or negative, the more it reinforces an attachment and soothes their fear of abandonment. If you want this to stop, and move toward a better way of life, going NC is the best for both of you.