cPTSD retrigging me to try to save the relationship by work stress

[HopinAndPrayin]

So, fun times this week.  I turned a corner in the last few weeks and was finally able to get some closure for myself and perspective on how my STBXHwBPD ran out in February and started yet another smear campaign.  This past weekend, for the first time I was actually able to relax.  In past weeks I had tried to relax, but couldn't actually do it, I couldn't shut the stress and shock down.  This Saturday, I started working a new workbook (The Kind Self-Healing Book) and some of the exercises actually chilled me out by bringing me back to joyful and loving childhood memories.  I was feeling relaxed, enjoyed watching some escapism television, lit some candles, snuggled with the pups, didn't judge myself for not being out meeting with friends or striking up new friendships.  I was finally feeling deeply good.  Then Monday happened... .

One of the people in my current workgroup has BPD-type behaviors.  I'm getting gaslit and thrown under the bus.  There's dissociation (I think) where he literally can not hear what I am saying and he's argumentative.  It's fun times.  This has been going on since last August but is in an upswing recently with more project stress. 

Here's the messed up part.  Once I got stressed, I immediately started the panicked feeling of being endangered and plunged immediately into the unsafe feelings I had with my ex and the need to get a hold of him to figure out what happened ASAP.  It was like being thrown back in time and wasn't reality.

I was able to hold onto the moment and recognize the feelings and watch them pass.  It was helpful to not actually get locked into the emotions, but to recognize the body sensation and the compulsion to try to understand what damage had been done during the episode.

For a bit of backstory:
When he would dissociate and run out he would redirect his paycheck to a new bank account without warning (without any consideration of the mortgage or other bills I managed), sign a lease, and tell his whole family we had decided to divorce, then wouldn't show up at the airport to pick me up from my weekly business travel.  I would just be stuck at the airport and would only find out when I texted him that we were taxiing to the gate.  My response was always to try to get a hold of him, talk him down, find out exactly  what he had done because my job has some security constraints with it and his financial contracts could put my job in jeopardy.  The last 4 times this happened, I was able to get through to him and get him to undo the panicked actions (that always resulted from unmanaged stress - his dad, school especially, or work - unrelated to the relationship) within a day.  This last time, I gave up because it was the same week my beloved dog had passed and frankly, I was just depleted.

I'm over the relationship.  I don't wish him to return.  I don't find hope in him acknowledging he actually has a problem.  Residential care and anti-psychotics were recommended by his doctor but he still likes to tell everyone I'm crazy.  It was still so weird to feel the body shock, and that's literally the symptoms I was experiencing - shock.  I'm so grateful to be at a place where I'm watching the emotions pass, and taking deep breaths, am holding on to cold hard surfaces.  But man, what a jolt to the system.  I'm terribly grateful it happened while I was working from home.  And to have the perspective to watch the body reaction and know what it was and not take action on it.  It helped me understand how conditioned the response became living with the abuse, the chaos, the non-stop brainwashing, and yes, the shock.  My T believes I have cPTSD from the longterm exposure.  I think she's onto something.

Anyone else experienced this?  Either the compulsion to restore or the body shock / PTSD?  How do you deal with it?  And anyone fully recovered from it?  What helped?  What slowed progress in recovery? 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi HopinAnPrayin,

Sorry to hear you're still experiencing these physical responses.  How long has it been since you felt it the last time as a result of your relationship directly?  I'm interested because I saw a psychiatrist on Monday and described how I'm feeling in the aftermath of my relationship and she agreed I have some form of PTSD. 

Looking back I've had years and years of traumatic relationship experiences so I think this last one with my exBPDbf was a bit like the final straw for me.  I am extremely jumpy (someone walked past me unexpectedly today a little bit too close and I instantly jolted upright ready to flee), having panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks, I'm looking over my shoulder constantly, feeling anxious and as if I'm being watched/followed.  I check out of my windows so much now that the neighbours are going to think I'm a curtain twitcher!  She has arranged for me to do some trauma focussed CBT.  I'm looking forward to this as I really don't want this to go on long term.  It's been 4 months since I put this man out of my home and I have been NC for 3 months.  Have you spoken to your doctor about how you are feeling? 

It's great to hear you were able to sit with the feelings and allow them to pass.  I practice mindfulness yet am struggling with some of these intense feelings because my process just goes out of my head through the level of fear.  I'm firmly fixed in the Threat emotional system right now so that fight or flight response just takes over.  It's irrational fear too.  It's not like my ex was an axe murderer, however he was violent towards the end and his rages alone always had me on edge.  Think my nerves have just had their fill for too long.   

Massive congratulations on the true relaxation.  It's a wonderful feeling to actually let go of everything and truly unwind.  I'm working on doing much more of those lovely self soothing activities that allow me to reach that place.  Here's to many more successful non judgemental chillout sessions!  The more we do that the more we shift ourselves out of that Threat zone.

Love and light x

[HopinAndPrayin]

How long has it been since you felt it the last time as a result of your relationship directly? 

The relationship ended late February, but if I think back, I was feeling these extreme threat symptoms bodily from about 2 weeks in and we were married for 5 years.  He was my high school sweetheart, which is how he slipped the red flag test I normally use to weed these guys out (and boy, like a beacon do I attract them... .it's the darn empathy that I still wouldn't give up for anything - it's like a siren call for NPD and BPD).  Once I got more feedback from our MC who focuses on PDs and his individual T and Dr. about his BPD being BPD + ASPD + NPD + PTSD and saw the lack of empathy and the way he was willing to do things (like shove me through the drywall during a panicked tear for the door) and not feel any remorse, that's when it legitimately went from fear to abject terror. 

When I looked back further into the memories, the way he would avoid responding to things, the acting nice for 4 hours before he asked for something from me... .the lack of connection, I could see how hollow he had been THE WHOLE TIME.  There is no reasoning with that.  There is no understanding of how it feels to prevent them from committing further damage.  For me, I stayed because my vows legitimately mean in sickness and in health and he hit the jackpot of being sick.  It is all likely from childhood sexual trauma, so being an empath was able to see past the defense mechanisms to the lost soul.  I just thought once he knew about it he would take steps to fix it, especially because he could see it was hurting me.  And I had plenty of safeguards.  But if someone is determined to sabotage themselves... .well, where there's a will, there's a way.  Still, staying meant subjecting myself to extreme emotional, financial, verbal, and physical abuse that my body and mind absorbed. 

I am extremely jumpy (someone walked past me unexpectedly today a little bit too close and I instantly jolted upright ready to flee), having panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks, I'm looking over my shoulder constantly, feeling anxious and as if I'm being watched/followed.  I check out of my windows so much now that the neighbours are going to think I'm a curtain twitcher! 

Yes.  Oh my goodness, Harley, you are not alone.  I feel so much for you right now.  We will get to a point where we feel safe again.

Shadows were terrifying again as though I was a little girl.  I was constantly jumpy.  We have neighborhood cats that have taken roost on our back patio and when they would walk by the window sills on the outside, they looked like black boots out of the corner of my eye.  It was terrifying, especially if the dogs would catch sight of the cat and start barking at the same time.  I've never felt so unsafe and helpless.  I'm still waking up with nightmares.  Not every night, like right after the break-up, but probably once every 3-4 weeks now.  I avoid reading anything about BPD or journaling about my ex right before bed now because it was causing the nightmares to intensify.

It's hard to tell when these things will pop up.  For example, I am having my eggs frozen since I'm now back out on the market at 38 without kids (best decision I could have made in that situation), and as I was explaining said situation to my fertility doctor and why I likely won't use the embryos we had frozen 2 years ago, he said - "someone needs to be aware because he's a danger to himself and others."  And I felt this rising nausea and this heaviness in my chest.  I just kept repeating, "There's nothing more I can do.  I've done everything.  I've called the mental health officer, I tried to let his family know.  I can't do anymore. There's nothing more I can do.  There's nothing more I can do."  It was as though I went into this painful and deadening trance.  Apparently that heaviness in the middle of my chest, not a panic attack that would have been over my heart, but dead center, is the vasovagal nerve.  My T says the way to get through the PTSD vasovagal response of that is to do deep breathing.  You can't intellectually argue with the body, you have to use the body to soothe itself.  She said to flood my mind with neutral information like what the seat feels like under my legs, the color of the lampshades in the room, the grain of the tile on the floor, and to hold ice and cold things to stay grounded... .DBT skills.  Funny, huh?

What I came to realize is the danger I internalized was from the danger I invited in to live under my roof - it was pure chaos with him here.  And because I was so busy having empathy for him, and I was just trying to survive, I missed what it was doing to me.  I was just trying to figure out what doctor or medication or legal hold was next to prevent the next nightmare from becoming real.  Never occurred to me to stop and have him leave.  He was my H.  My T talked about adrenal fatigue and I'm taking a supplement from Gaia called Adrenal Health (it sounds like I'm hawking these things, but truly, world of difference in terms of how I am feeling which is why I want to share so it may help others) that's supposed to restore balance.  I'm literally planning in times during my day, when I wake up, at lunch, after dinner, before bed, to intentionally take time to relax to get out of the PTSD and out of my adrenal system working overtime and I'm concentrating on getting enough restful and restorative sleep.

Have you spoken to your doctor about how you are feeling? 

T, yes.  Dr., I think I talked with her when I went and got a physical in April - found out I was vitamin D and vitamin B deficient as well as depressed / in shock - which leads to feeling exhausted and depleted, so I'm on supplements there and will be rechecked in about 6 more weeks to see where I am.  I had also wanted to make sure, given how little empathy or moral sense he had, that I wasn't slipped an STD during the one time we were physically intimate in the last 2 years.  Clean bill of health and less anxiety knowing rather than fearing.

It's great to hear you were able to sit with the feelings and allow them to pass.  I practice mindfulness yet am struggling with some of these intense feelings because my process just goes out of my head through the level of fear.  I'm firmly fixed in the Threat emotional system right now so that fight or flight response just takes over.  It's irrational fear too.  It's not like my ex was an axe murderer, however he was violent towards the end and his rages alone always had me on edge.  Think my nerves have just had their fill for too long.   

Big, big hugs.  If he was violent towards the end, it's not irrational fear.  Accepting that may help.  Accepting that I was actually in bodily, financial, and emotional danger the whole time made it possible to understand these memories are emotional echoes stirred up in the body.  It's also the interpretation of them that was sending me over the edge.  It clicked for me last week when I realized I was also seeing my tiny (3 lb) dog who had passed where she would normally be on the couch out of the corner of my eye, or sitting in her bed under her fleece blanket from missing her.  Those memories filled me with nostalgia and happiness as well as a little sadness and longing.  The emotional echoes of my ex allowed me to properly acknowledge the fear I felt all along but couldn't process.  My T says it totally makes sense that now that I've removed all his items from the home, have gotten the finances back in order... .basically, I have successfully outrun the bear (my ex)... .now my body is saying, ok, you're safe, now you can feel all these things that you couldn't process at the time because you had to outrun the bear.  Having context was such a gift because 5 years of pent up abuse coming out all at once through my body was not just overwhelming but crippling.  And it makes sense.  We had an active shooter on campus during grad school.  I was hunkered down in my car in the parking lot and then realized - eff this, I'm out and drove myself home.  It wasn't until I got home and was safe that I started trembling and crying.  Our bodies... .so smart and yet so complex.

I've only been able to acknowledge it and sit with the feelings the one time so far.  For the last 4 months, I was in it deep.  I think the only reason I was really able to see it this time was because I had just come off that really chill weekend and it was so obvious the trigger was this coworker, not my ex.  If I had been triggered by my ex, I think I would have flown right into it.  I also cut back to only one caffeinated beverage a day and have been hydrating non-stop.  That caffeine was priming me and I think I was really overdoing it with caffeine sub-consciously to keep myself primed in case the bear showed up again.

I'm working on doing much more of those lovely self soothing activities that allow me to reach that place. 

Yay!  Keep it up!  We will get there eventually.  We lived through hell and are battle-weary.  We deserve to feel safe and loved and at peace.  One day at a time, we will get there.  I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and sending warmth your way, Harley. 

Big, safe, well-lit and solid hug,
H&P

[Harley Quinn]

the way he was willing to do things (like shove me through the drywall during a panicked tear for the door) and not feel any remorse, that's when it legitimately went from fear to abject terror. 

Oh my goodness, H&P, that's understandable.  I can relate.  Think I've blocked lots of memories but they're creeping back.  Did this sort of thing happen often and did you ever have police involvement?  Don't respond if it brings up uncomfortable feelings.  I'd rather hear you're too busy chilling out to think about it 

Still, staying meant subjecting myself to extreme emotional, financial, verbal, and physical abuse that my body and mind absorbed.

  You're so very brave and strong to be at the point that you are now.  Some women don't ever stop absorbing that because they no longer have the energy or will left to get out.  I admire you for taking the steps you have.  I've had the honour of meeting other strong women in my abuse recovery programme and it's inspirational.  Having that supportive environment with others who can relate has certainly been a huge help to me.  Do you have any other support from a service at all?

I've never felt so unsafe and helpless.

  It is an awful way to feel, especially when we know in ourselves that the same things would not have bothered us beforehand.  How are you finding you deal with the cats and noise in general now?  How secure do you feel at home with regards to security measures etc?  My ex used to sometimes come over the (8ft) back wall and enter my yard when we were together if he forgot the key or I'd accidentally left mine in the lock.  Knowing he's able to can be disturbing, even though it's highly unlikely he would as he knows the police would be here in seconds.  I'm flagged on their system.  So the slightest sound out there does set me off but I've had the house fully security upgraded by the same service that provides my group programme and the guy is coming back to repair the light at the back.  It's important you have somewhere you can feel safe so that you can rest your mind and body.  It sounds like you've come on since that point but just wanted to check if this still affects you.

Thanks for sharing your night time strategy.  That's a good idea and one I need to implement myself so will give this a try.  I'm glad to hear that the nightmares are less frequent now.  That's a good sign indeed.  It will be nice to get to the end of the fears and concentrate on forging ahead with our new brighter futures!

I also appreciate your insight into the vasovagal response.  The DBT skills you mention sound a lot like things that I've learned on my mindfulness courses, but more directly aimed at changing a response and I'm definitely going to try these out.

What I came to realize is the danger I internalized was from the danger I invited in to live under my roof - it was pure chaos with him here.  And because I was so busy having empathy for him, and I was just trying to survive, I missed what it was doing to me.  I was just trying to figure out what doctor or medication or legal hold was next to prevent the next nightmare from becoming real.  Never occurred to me to stop and have him leave.

I can completely relate to what you say here.  I was the same.  Do you find if you look back that you've subjected yourself to other examples of giving too much to the point that it's not serving you in your life?  I know I tend to adopt a caregiver role and can end up feeling victimised and hurt by that.  I resented a previous ex for 'holding me back' because I was solely taking all the financial responsibility and doing all of the domestic tasks around working full time.  It took me far too long to realise I was holding myself back by being in the relationship.  Longer still to start to look at my role and why I tend to be the rescuer in my relationships. 

Your therapist sounds really good and a wonderful help.  I really like the bear analogy because it links directly into that inbuilt fight or flight response, doesn't it?  Very clever way to put it.  It's great that you have that support in place at a time like this.  And it certainly sounds like you've been through the mill, with the close encounter with a shooter in the past.  I can't imagine how that must have been for you and that experience must have fed into your anxiety with the physical risk you felt in the relationship.  I am so glad that you got out of both situations.  Thanks so much for the supplement recommendation.  I'll certainly take a look at it.  Anything that helps is well worth investigating.  Hope that you are resting peacefully tonight and are feeling at ease.

Thinking of you too and sending hugs in return  .  Stay strong and smile at yourself in the mirror in the morning.  You're doing great.

Love and light x 

[roberto516]

Anyone else experienced this?  Either the compulsion to restore or the body shock / PTSD?  How do you deal with it?  And anyone fully recovered from it?  What helped?  What slowed progress in recovery? 

I do experience this. I can't deny there was subtle emotional abuse from my ex, or else I wouldn't have the reactions that I do have (I think). However, this relationship brought out the worst in me and after the end of the relationship I became a verbal abuser of her with insults, slander, outright mean and nasty words that she didn't deserve to hear.

Anyway, a few times I have seen her picture (the most recent one maybe 2 weeks ago) that literally sent my body into a shock. It was 4 am and I had woken up the use the restroom. I spent the next 2 hours until I left for work outside chain smoking and shaking. That led me to break NC and really heap some verbal abuse on her. I wanted her to know that this is how I reacted to seeing her picture (probably the weakest, most embarrassing moment of my life).

There are times when I hear about the new company she is working for (we are in the same field) and I will kinda tense up. If I hear her name I will tense. When a coworker wouldn't stop talking about moving to the town she lives in (and they are friends to boot) I literally had to leave my office because I felt myself losing my mind.

How do I cope? I don't . I try deep breathing which has helped sometimes. But I never experienced such a reaction to anything in my life before. It literally catches you off guard and you are frozen. As I stated before, I have linked up with an EMDR therapist. Next week we are meeting to start the initial basics of the therapy. I truly hope it helps. I can't spend the rest of my life hoping I never hear or see a picture from her again.

I have also heard that visualization helps. meaning you will shut your eyes and get very detailed about a possible situation you will encounter in the future. For example, if I ever see her picture again. And you are to imagine all of it. The location you're in, the sights, the sounds, the smells etc. Bring the scene to life. And then picture yourself doing something different when it occurs. Visualize yourself responding differently. Whatever that may be. The theory is that you give your brain an experience so that it can act differently if it has to when it initially goes into shock.

There's an interesting story to go with the visualization. There was an awful airplane crash in the 80's with two gigantic boeing 747's. One was taking off and the other was taxing on the runway. The one on the ground had it's whole roof torn off and 2 minutes later it blew up. Only 60 something people out of the 200 got off the plane. Even though everyone had a chance to do so. The survivors recalled seeing people frozen in their seats. What did all the survivors have in common when they were interviewed about the incident? At some point before the accident they had thought to themselves "There's the emergency exit if I need it." "If something goes wrong here this is how I will get off the plane."

So in a nutshell, visualizing a stressful situation and then going a step further to see yourself acting in a more appropriate way gives your brain a chance to react differently if it gets paralyzed. I haven't done it yet. To conjure up an image of her in my head deliberately is far too painful right now. It's funny. Someone I loved and wanted to spend my life with now cannot be thought of in my head for fear of the thoughts that come. Oh well. Hope some of this long novel helped you.

[HopinAndPrayin]

Did this sort of thing happen often and did you ever have police involvement? 

Yes and no on the often.  Absolutely yes with the police, although specifically the section that deals with emotionally disturbed individuals, called the Mental Health Officers.  This happened in February 2014 when he ran out the 3rd time, and again in May 2016, November 2016, and February 2017 for the final time.  I could tell he was getting sicker - losing more touch with reality, not using any skills, only able to put together short sentences.  It led to my going with him to his T and to his Psychiatrist to say - look, he's been in DBT Intensive Outpatient Programs (IOP) 4x since 2014, has been in individual therapy for a year.  We were told after 6 months we would start to see improvements and after 12 months some behavior shifts... .we are now 30 months in without any changes and in fact it is getting worse.  What's going on?  And our MC, T and his Psych said, look, there's likely childhood trauma and it's not just BPD, it's BPD + NPD + ASPD + PTSD.  It's preventing any of this from working and he isn't doing the work because of how avoidant he learned to become to survive it.  We had him doing diary cards and taking pictures of things he thought he was doing because his memory was so unreliable (or he was so severely dissociated) he thought he had done things he hadn't.

My ex's cycle was based on external stress (tests at school, company getting acquired, his abusive F coming to visit), not stress in our relationship, but as his stress level would go up, he would become argumentative, combative, and the further into the cycle he got, would become more violent with me because it's easier to have a safe target at home than to get angry at yourself, his professors, or his boss - especially because he got so much positive validation from school and work.  But once he started having any type of failure (poor grade on a test or paper or a write-up at work) the cycle would escalate quickly as he saw potential rejection on the horizon.  Typically it was shoving in response to believing I was blocking an exit to our home - even if I was no where near him or a doorway, but this last time, he tried to choke me.  All because I asked why he wasn't doing the daily diary cards he knew were part of the boundary of his doing work in therapy in order to stay in the home.  He raged "You're going to divorce me anyway!" and started shoving, eventually knocking me to the ground. 

I called the Mental Health Officers (MHO) repeatedly over the course of our relationship when he would be shoving.  It was frustrating to make the decision.  If there was no physical injury from the shoving, it didn't qualify to the MHO.  Also, mental illness is not handled well in the court systems and what I wanted was for him to improve so we could get on with our lives, he could get better and experience some relief, and we could start a family.  But for the police to put him on a hold, he would have to be suicidal or homocidal.  There's this vast area in the middle where they are doing harm but won't necessarily kill someone.  In early February, we spoke with his Psychiatrist again who said - "These are psychotic episodes when you are fighting for 16 hours and not making sense.  They're on the severe end of the spectrum with frequency, duration, and how significant the break is.  The right intervention when this happens is to take a fast-acting anti-psychotic that I will prescribe you and to call the MHO and if the fast-acting anti-psychotic isn't strong enough, to go on a hold and be given stronger anti-psychotics."  After the session my ex said, "you've been telling me I was psychotic but I just thought you were saying it."  No, I was terrified because nothing you said made sense and you were in extreme self-sabotage mode and my life is tied to yours, so when you make these major financial commitments without the benefit of being in reality, I'm terrified.  (I'm lucky in that I happen to be in a place where I make enough money to pay all my bills without his support, but otherwise I would have been screwed.)  When you become two people with oppositional goals and are telling me you are working on the relationship while never telling me you are actually packing up your things and moving out when I travel during the week so I can never actually trust what you are saying or doing, I'm terrified.  When you get violent and can not hear what I am actually saying to you, but you won't stop fighting, and if I let you go on fighting eventually you will break something of mine or escalate to get me to engage with you, I'm terrified.

Also complicating the matter was his belief during these times that I had slapped him - he couldn't differentiate between the flooding he was feeling where his face turned red and got hot and interpreted it as a slap.  I never touched him.  But, if he reported this to the MHO, I could have been arrested.  It's really common when Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence is reported for both to be arrested.  I had to protect myself and my job and that meant under reporting his violence because he could not tell what reality was and truly believed I had struck him.  This last round in February 2017, after I asked the MHO to inspect the hole in the dry wall where he put me through to help get him put on the hold, he told the MHO that I had kneed him in the forehead.  Fortunately, I had all the paperwork documenting his diagnoses and multiple emails where he acknowledged lying and smearing me.  I had a video of him saying if the MHO asked him if he was suicidal he would lie.  It helped that last one was so absurd - what kind of Matrix-like fight were we having that I could get my knee to his forehead - that the Mental Health Officer called in the Mobile Crisis Outreach Team.  In all honesty, I don't think he knew how bad his dissociation and psychotic breaks had been.  So, I wouldn't characterize it as lying, but it was frought with peril for me.

Do you have any other support from a service at all?

I go to Al Anon semi-frequently and had talked with the Emergency Psychiatric Services in town.  Mostly it's my T.  The situation is so bizarre and so unusual even for BPD, it's tough to find support services that understand the complexity.  That's why I'm so grateful for this community. 

My ex used to sometimes come over the (8ft) back wall and enter my yard when we were together if he forgot the key or I'd accidentally left mine in the lock.  Knowing he's able to can be disturbing, even though it's highly unlikely he would as he knows the police would be here in seconds.  I'm flagged on their system.  So the slightest sound out there does set me off but I've had the house fully security upgraded by the same service that provides my group programme and the guy is coming back to repair the light at the back.  It's important you have somewhere you can feel safe so that you can rest your mind and body.  It sounds like you've come on since that point but just wanted to check if this still affects you.

Yike, Harley.  That is scary.  Documenting is so, so important.  I'm glad you have the police on your side.  We changed all the locks and already had glass breaks, security lights, and sensors on all doors and windows.  It was less the security system and more getting all of his things out of the house that made me feel safe.  That and blocking him on email, cell, FB, and LinkedIn.  I also blocked all of his family because they sometimes reach out when they can't get a hold of him. 

Thanks for sharing your night time strategy.  That's a good idea and one I need to implement myself so will give this a try.  I'm glad to hear that the nightmares are less frequent now.  That's a good sign indeed.  It will be nice to get to the end of the fears and concentrate on forging ahead with our new brighter futures!

Yes.  There is nothing worse than being exhausted and fearing going to sleep for what your mind and body will bring out to try to process. 

Do you find if you look back that you've subjected yourself to other examples of giving too much to the point that it's not serving you in your life?  I know I tend to adopt a caregiver role and can end up feeling victimised and hurt by that.  I resented a previous ex for 'holding me back' because I was solely taking all the financial responsibility and doing all of the domestic tasks around working full time.  It took me far too long to realise I was holding myself back by being in the relationship.  Longer still to start to look at my role and why I tend to be the rescuer in my relationships. 

For me, in romantic relationships, no.  This was specifically tied to it being a marriage that I was trying to salvage.  When I was in other relationships and the person wouldn't reciprocate, I asked for what I needed and if they didn't attempt to accommodate, I left the relationship but I also wasn't really attached to them.  I do have a role at work that is very focused on mentoring others and developing their career skills, but I tend to have good boundaries about what is theirs vs. mine.  I think it might have come from Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue back 15 or so years ago... .never give more than you're willing to walk away from (lose).  What I will say is I actually have trouble receiving from others.  My independence scores are high (87%) and I tend to work to meet my own needs.  Grew up with NPD / BPD parents and didn't receive love as a child.  Now that I'm working on. 

I was reading the book Attached back in March about attachment styles.  They recommended taking stock of a relationship on a monthly basis and evaluating against your own needs, which you have to have identified first and then have to hold yourself to.  I'm no where near being ready to put myself back out there and date again, but I am going to spend some time writing up that list and potentially set a monthly calendar reminder for me to revisit it even if I'm not in a relationship.

So glad you were able to get perspective and reflect on your experience!  That's such a good place to be, although often so very uncomfortable.  Taking on all the finances, domestic chores, and relationship maintenance is exhausting.  Mine actually said to me in January of this year when I said, "hey look, I have needs too and I need you to give back" that he found the concept of giving back offensive.  It was very one-sided, but I thought if we got the anti-psychotics and anti-anxiety along with the mood stabilizers that he would be open to evaluating changing his interactions.  I was naive and optimistic. 

Saw your post about where you are in recovery.  Go get it, Harley!  You're doing so well and I have such tremendous admiration for your journey.

[HopinAndPrayin]

How do I cope? I don't . I try deep breathing which has helped sometimes. But I never experienced such a reaction to anything in my life before. It literally catches you off guard and you are frozen. As I stated before, I have linked up with an EMDR therapist. Next week we are meeting to start the initial basics of the therapy. I truly hope it helps. I can't spend the rest of my life hoping I never hear or see a picture from her again.

I hope the EMDR gives you some relief.  That body shock is jolting.  Would love to hear from you how it goes.

I have also heard that visualization helps. meaning you will shut your eyes and get very detailed about a possible situation you will encounter in the future. For example, if I ever see her picture again. And you are to imagine all of it. The location you're in, the sights, the sounds, the smells etc. Bring the scene to life. And then picture yourself doing something different when it occurs. Visualize yourself responding differently. Whatever that may be. The theory is that you give your brain an experience so that it can act differently if it has to when it initially goes into shock.

Oh! I've heard of this before.  I think the premise is that memory is maleable.  So when you activate the memory, your brain chemically processes it.  And if you can process and alter the memory, it starts to overwrite what was there and you can turn it into something more positive for yourself.  Tony Robbins talks about this in his 30 day program for memories that are triggering / toxic.  In that exercise, you bring up the traumatic memory, then replay it with zig zagging lines over it, turn the original images into cartoon drawings, then try neon colors.  You keep doing it with the memory until the chemical rewrite obliviates it.  I'm so glad you mentioned this.  I forgot about that.  It's a great exercise.

So in a nutshell, visualizing a stressful situation and then going a step further to see yourself acting in a more appropriate way gives your brain a chance to react differently if it gets paralyzed. I haven't done it yet. To conjure up an image of her in my head deliberately is far too painful right now. It's funny. Someone I loved and wanted to spend my life with now cannot be thought of in my head for fear of the thoughts that come. Oh well. Hope some of this long novel helped you.

I like that.  And that fits with everything around anxiety disorders too.  Practice what you need when you're not in the excited state so you will have access to it when you are.  Thanks for sharing, Roberto!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi H&P,

I'm just off to bed but wanted to send you a howdy before I go.  Thanks for your kind words of encouragement.  Seems like you too are doing well at looking at the relationship dynamics and moving forward with a clear head.  Going back to your original post, I must say that there have been moments for me, as with probably the majority of members on this board, that I've had a strong compulsion to reach out and look to restore some form of a relationship.  I commend you for working through that so effectively.  It has been a struggle at times for me, mostly through guilt about not remaining a 'supportive friend' at first when we went LC and then most recently when I received pretty epic life altering news and wanted in my heart to speak to him about it.  I think it's par for the course after being in such an intense relationship and it's how we manage it that counts.  Ultimately we all have to decide on the pros and cons of considering such options and come up with a truly balanced perspective.  Going with my gut feeling on Tuesday for example would have caused my own healing a huge backwards step and invited nothing but further anguish for both of us.  Recognising that is the important part in my case.  After every time I resist such a temptation I affirm my own self worth (something I'm working on slowly... .) and feel new strength to continue on my own path.  It can be scary, but the best goals in life should be a mixture of excitement and scaring your pants off!  

I meant to ask you if you are in any form of contact (forgive me if I missed that somewhere as I'm sleepy) with your husband and if your paths have reason to cross at all?  More than anything I'm wondering how you're doing and hoping your day has been anxiety free.

Love and light x

[HopinAndPrayin]

I meant to ask you if you are in any form of contact (forgive me if I missed that somewhere as I'm sleepy) with your husband and if your paths have reason to cross at all?

No contact and it's getting a lot better.  We coordinated on March 7th to sign updated Marital Settlement Agreement and in mid-May I asked him for the filing fees since he is the one wanting the divorce.  Other than that, no contact.  I fear sometimes because he moved two miles down the road and he's decided to take his truck to the same place I get my car serviced that I may run into him at some point.  Life may at some point surprise me.  For now, no reason and it seems like no desire.

Last week I told my sister I was about to make a meal we often made together and I couldn't remember how long it needed to bake and had this reflexive moment of - I should text him and ask.  It was surprising (not in a good way) and it raised the thought without my hand digging in my pocket for my phone.  I also managed last week to go pick up a rental car (same sister dropped me off) and I forgot my keys inside the house.  My first thought was to call him to see if he could drop the keys by.  Followed by, you changed the locks and he would not be an appropriate person to reach out to regardless.  I started to get a bit upset about it, that he keeps popping up in those moments in my mind at unpredictable times.  My sister gave me great context around it - it's an old pathway in my brain.  It will change over time and be replaced with something else or someone else.  For 5 years, he would have been the person I would have reached out to.  He's not anymore.  I think so much of my fear and PTSD stuff before were about the feelings I was having about the feelings... .the fear about the fear... .having neutral feedback on what it is and why it is has really been helping.

Keeping you in my thoughts!
H&P

[roberto516]

My sister gave me great context around it - it's an old pathway in my brain.  It will change over time and be replaced with something else or someone else.

Great insight from your sis! Picture it this way. If you do a behavior once it's like you are walking in the grass and the grass gets trampled down. It's not an easy path to follow if you go back but you might be able to see the path where you had walked before because of the grass being a little lower. You walk down that path 100 times and now it's just dirt, much easier to follow and even easier to walk on. You do that behavior 1000 times and now that dirt road is nice and paved. It's so easy to follow now because it really stands out from the grass around it. Do it 10,000 times and now you have a super highway with no other traffic that you can cruise down.

The brain is lazy, it likes a good shortcut. Do something enough and it doesn't want to stop and think "should we do this?" Nope, it will take the convenient highway thank you very much. "We've done this behavior in response to this feeling or situation 1 million times why stop and think about it!" Is what it might yell . So over time, as your sis correctly said, that super highway which you won't use anymore is going to crack, crumble, and slowly deteriorate. You are implementing new paths slowly but surely which will soon become their own super highways. It just takes time for all of us.

I like the analogy and I hope it helps you and anyone else who might read!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi H&P,

Wondering how you are doing?  My week has been challenging yet rewarding in it's own way.  I'm glad to hear you don't have contact or have to cross paths regularly.  The path crossing is proving a regular thing for me at the moment and it does sometimes cause me a great deal of anxiety.  However, I'm finding that as it happens more it is becoming a little easier too... .A bit like flooding for phobias I guess.  Either that or there go my emotions shutting down on me again!

I must say, I love what roberto has put above.  Hope it was helpful to you, too.  Also, I agree that your sister is obviously a great support to you and very wise in her reassurance.  Those habitual thoughts and reactions to situations can be a real stumbling block on this bumpy road, yet I look forward to seeing you on the super highway to fearlessness and a bright new future!

Love and light x