She was the love of my life

[Helplessly]

This feels like the end of Dead Man Walking

I've learned too much too late. We were so in love in the beginning. We were both so insecure. We drove each other insane. BPD qualities?  I would say probably both of us. ALL of us. She was never unfaithful. Nor was I. We fought wars. I was hesitant in the beginning.  Nothing but guy friends. But she was honest about it. There may have been some hypocricy on her part with my friends. She was best friends with her ex fiancée. She never lied about it. I didn't have to stay

Her rages.  My rages. They were out of frustration. The breakups. We knew we were being unhealthy.  We kept trying to let go. But we loved each other.

She was cruel with her words yes. To the point where I should have remained gone. But that was her intention.  To make it easier.  It wasn't right.

i should have trusted her. Fully. I should have let her be. Yes she had problems. Depression and anxiety minimum. Many many issues with her family.

I'm not sure if the constant reefer was healthy. I picked up smoking cigarettes again because she smokes.

But I lost a tough independent beautiful loving woman.

I came to this site at Christmas in an effort to put round pegs into round holes. I suspect many have. And all I did was diagnose the relationship clinically. 

I saw her again yesterday.  She was gracious enough to visit me regarding a serious illness in my family. She's with someone new. A man who embraces her and her lifestyle.  He's won her over hard. 

My trepidation in the beginning was stupid. I should have scooped her up. She wanted to marry me.

I'm not sure it would have worked in the long run. Her intensity level was tough on my family.

But now with some meds she seems so damned normal.  This may be because of the change in the relationship dynamics.  I'll never know

I've been married. A couple long term relationships that ended mutually. But I've never known this kind of pain.

Anti depressants aren't helping. I lay in bed in anguish. The new guy is spending money on her. Taking care of her.

I can't worry about BPD anymore. For me it's prolonging the agony.

I love her so much. I'm not sure if I'll survive this.

[roberto516]

Helplessly this is normal. I have these feelings still. They come and go in waves. I have had the depression. Lost a lot of weight, stopped doing anything for myself or anything fun. I felt the same way that I couldn't survive this. And some days I still have the thought of "What's the point?" (Although I am a nihilist who fell in love so I'm always wondering "What's the point?"

I hate when people say this to me. But it's the only thing that can be done in this situation. It's now time to take care of yourself. I have and do drive myself crazy wondering what she's doing, who is she with, is she with someone knew? Oh god if she's with someone knew what are they doing right now? Enough to drive me crazier than I am. But it will pass.

A few times recently I have had brief periods of real happiness. Yours will come too. Just look at all the people on this forum who have made it out of this and who now look back and realize it was the best thing that could have happened for them.

And just to reiterate. This is the honeymoon phase. I'm sure my ex last boyfriend before me (the mutual coworker) when he found out we were dating probably had the same reservations. Probably thinking "Man they are going to be perfect for one another. She seems so happy. Man I really blew this one." And look what happened? I only made it about 16-17 months with her. My ex might have a chance if she stays single and works on herself. But your ex? Not that I wish her ill will, but if she jumped right into a new relationship her behaviors will continue.

It will only work in 1 of 2 ways. 1, he's filthy rich and can entertain her so that she feels the relationship is all about her. or 2. He is such a doormat that he doesn't stand up for himself and just says yes to everything that she ever wants to do. Those are the only 2 ways. And even then, it might not be enough. You've seen people post here about having successful businesses and getting involved with BPD trait individuals and what they do for their partner is never enough either.

Keep posting and sharing. You have friends here.

[vanx]

I wanted to say I feel for you. Much of what you have said I identify with strongly.

I want to validate everything you feel. The pain is very real. Let me also quickly speak to your sense of regret, of how you could have done things differently and kept her:

 "My trepidation in the beginning was stupid. I should have scooped her up. She wanted to marry me. "

I disagree. In fact, I suspect your trepidation was pretty rational. In any case, whatever you felt is valid and I think a partner who is good for you would understand. You've expressed other regrets. Okay sure, it is really good to assess your role and take the opportunity to learn more about yourself. Personally, one thing I've taken away from my experience is an understanding that love is not based on a series of right or wrong choices. Maybe you could have kept her a little longer, until you made another choice that felt right to you but got a negative reaction. Then we must ask ourselves what it is we're fighting for, and if it isn't the very thing that a person should never have to fight for.

Forgive me if I am giving too much advice here, but I empathize with you too much to hear you blame yourself for losing her. Let it educate you only in that you have more confidence in the validity of your own feelings.

I'm sorry you have to know she's with someone new. In short, that stinks. We have to hold both truths: I have no doubt you lost the lovely woman you described, but then it sounds like she is also a disordered person who was a source of a lot of pain. It's cool that meds seem to be helping her, but personally I think it takes much more than meds alone to change one's deep seated issues, and that type of work is typically achieved in solitude or with a therapist, not cured by a new relationship, and I mean for anyone--us nons too.

Just take good care of yourself. If you feel love for her, take that love and give it to yourself right now. You are worth it.