Just got dumped... again

[Gayx]

Hi everyone im new to this forum but been in in a BPN relationship for four years.
We have broken up so many times i lost count. Usually i am the one who make it work again, calling her or txt her.
This time is different... .Been three weeks about since she broke up with me by email, i cut all contacts RIGHT away, didn't reply letters, blocked her and deleted her number in my phone, determined, but weak... .
As everyone said from nowhere (thus a shaky relationship) she sent an email and broke up.
She is "working " as a therapist (ironic huh) and i am the one who has been running all admin stuff.
In the letter she told me to step down from the company, she will handle it from that day ( she hardly can send email from her phone) .
She told me to never contact her again.
All this because i called 30 mins too late. Her car is broken and she had been using my car for 3 months, that particular day i had the car ( i had the car maybe 3 days i 3 month). I called her when my clients called off the appointment to see if it would be more convenient for her for me to take her to Her clients, unfortunately she was in a cab already and freaked out i called too late... Me my selfish ego, never apologize and understand her needs, was soo bad and sick i should really think about if she really mean anything to me the wY I treated her... . she have had many depressions lately and i am always there for her, taking her out make sure she is as happy as she can be, I don't even remember how many times i have reschedule my job to rush to her when she txt or call.
Anyway, she is not able to keep a job anymore. Too moody and feisty. She sleeps until noon, her son is glued to her (teenager) or she is glued to him.
I can see briefly the company is not doing well now... No updates no nothing, it will go down the drain soon...
I will not try to access websites etc without her permission.
Btw i went No Contact after the email, she is blocked and cant reach me. (Of course she can if she wants)
Every day i wake up now it feels a little better, i found a great "friend" who is supporting me to get out of this mess...
Everyone says she will be back... .Im ok with that if we go to psychology together i can do that for her, at least try to make daily life easier for her.
The thing is if nothing happens soon, company will shut down, years of work will be gone... .
should i care?
Should i stay strong and move on?
As much as i am terrified she is gonna come back i am terrified she is gone... .
And yes, we are in a gay relationship and noone knows we are a couple... .wearing engagements rings and spend time together so i think they kmow, even if she comes up with biggest lies...
Help
Another thing ... .She has sent me information that... hmm how to say... .if i got that information i would never share with anyone... .She has been in contact with important people ( very famous) through her "job" who disclosed company secrets private secrets that can cause a lots of damage and harm... .She has been telling several time, i kmow too much but at the same time she trust me with all this...
why did she do that, i mean if she was in the relationship without love and I am th provider, how come ahe put her in a very fragile position... .I mean even if u trust someone at the moment you never know when these things can turns against you or any other.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi GayX,

Welcome to the board  

What you describe sounds like the sort of cycle that many go through in BPD relationships.  The idealisation, devaluation and discard.  You're in the right place to talk about all of this as you'll find lots of people who can relate to this, myself included.  

should i care?
Should i stay strong and move on?
As much as i am terrified she is gonna come back i am terrified she is gone... .

If your aim is to detach, then one of the necessary things to do is to let go of any interest in her activity, which is a tough one and we all struggle with this.  Only you can decide in the end what you want to do, however I'd suggest that taking some time to reflect will only be a positive thing whilst you work through these feelings.  There is a good case for remaining NC, as long as you are in it for the right reasons.  As it stands, your ex was the one to call things off, so ask yourself, if she changed her mind, would you want to go back in for another round?  What would be different this time?  Be honest with yourself.  Your answers will help you to decide.  

A couple of articles I found really helpful in the early stages are these:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

There are many more great insights, lessons and tools on the site (check out the top of the board), when you are ready to learn more.  I found the more I increased my knowledge, the more I felt able to make decisions that were right for me.  You'll get great advice here from people who understand how you feel too, so keep posting.

Love and light x

[Gayx]

Thanks for kind words...
I am trying to keep up to NC, every time i miss her, i start to think of all those letters imwrote tomher during the relationship that I wanted to break up, but never sent... .I will never be good enough for her... .No matter how hard i try, she will never see it... No I don't want that evil person back, i want the sweet one back.  Just weeks before she broke up, she started to cook for us, amd also she took Me out for dinner, never happened before... it was like she leveled our relationship up... .I know she is very ill and i cant probably not help her...
when we met she was really beautiful, now she gain weight and she lost her mojo... .I tried to help her eat right amd also make sure she did some exercise... .She knows she is far feom as beautiful as she was... .Think thats also a trigger in her life, and yes... .my fault... .
I wanna get out of this nightmare or get 1 hr fully attention from her to agree she will go for treatment before we proceed forward... . 

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks for kind words...
I am trying to keep up to NC, every time i miss her, i start to think of all those letters imwrote tomher during the relationship that I wanted to break up, but never sent... .I will never be good enough for her... .No matter how hard i try, she will never see it... No I don't want that evil person back, i want the sweet one back.  Just weeks before she broke up, she started to cook for us, amd also she took Me out for dinner, never happened before... it was like she leveled our relationship up... .I know she is very ill and i cant probably not help her...
when we met she was really beautiful, now she gain weight and she lost her mojo... .I tried to help her eat right amd also make sure she did some exercise... .She knows she is far feom as beautiful as she was... .Think thats also a trigger in her life, and yes... .my fault... .
I wanna get out of this nightmare or get 1 hr fully attention from her to agree she will go for treatment before we proceed forward... . 

Are you undecided about whether to try again for that?  Maybe take a look at the conflicted board to see if anything there helps you?  Did the two of you ever talk about her pursuing treatment and is she aware that would be a condition from you?  I did discuss this and actually put together a list of 'non negotiables' in the end that I'd have to have evidence of before I'd ever consider going back.  I don't hold out hope they will be fulfilled.  He quickly moved onto another woman after we went NC.  I think it's easier for him to just start the process from scratch with someone else than actually commit to the work to help himself towards recovery.  Sad, as we'd made progress with his treatment then he backtracked.  I am moving on with my life.  Whatever you decide, this site will give you tons of information and support.

Love and light x

[Gayx]

I was trying to talk to her a few times, but it ended up was i askd for too much, we don't see love at same way, she was proud of being narcissistic, denied borderline. Called it maniac depression and whatever i said I triggered her. I should be thankful to be be with a total smart stunning package like her... Omg the more i write about it the more i can see how sick it is... .Why do i even care. Why do i even put 1 minute on her... .All i want is have the first person in all these persons back... .Back when she was beautiful healthy fun lovable... .As someone wrote, I should see it as a death, that person is dead... .
i am following all links and also doing a lot of research, when i habe bad days i read about it to convince me i am healthy great person that has been abused...
I was always so fascinated that ppl always told me how good i am how professional i am, everyone except her... .Now it make sense... .All she ever wanted me to feel was failure. She wanted me to wotk and help her to success and me fail...
Bitter or truth, time will heal, tell